The What Ifs
by Stormydee
Summary: Catherine is feeling the strain of trying to trust a friend when many doubt. could that trust have put a target on her back. As a dear friend struggles Sara, Nick and Greg must close the Dr Jekyll case at all costs. What choices were made by the Dr? CVR
1. Chapter 1

**This is an alternative ending to the Doctor Jekyll case for all of those who thought it should have been Ray Langston and he should have been gone. It leads into another case and there is a lot of angst; major twist coming. **

**reviews are loved**

**disclaimer; I dont own anything and if i did ray langston would have died already.**

Catherine sighed as she walked into autopsy, her body ached and she was tired; even though she had slept through her alarm this morning. She felt as if she hadn't slept, her abdomen was incredibly sore to the point she barely wanted to move and now they had case to figure out. Joining Doc Robbins beside the table and the victim; she was fairly sure it was an OD.

Listening as Doc rolled through his findings she tried to focus, there had been so much rolling through her mind lately; especially with the Jekyll case. As a leader she knew she needed to support her team, trust them and let that rest until a hot lead came; not feelings and opinions. In that Catherine knew she had to lead the way, trusting Ray and taking cases until they had something to go off of. For a moment her vision blurred and she shook her head to try and get rid of it; that made it worse.

"Catherine are you alright?" She heard Doc Robbins calling her.

"Yea, I'm fine I just have a lot on my mind." Catherine assured him taking the report from her friend hoping to escape to her office.

Giving him a smile she headed towards the door when suddenly the world spun and she lost her balance. Grabbing onto a table but didn't get a good enough grip, her head hit the floor and she blacked out.

When she opened her eyes Doc was next to her, his hand was supporting her head; how he was still leaning on his cane surprised her. After a moment she tried to sit up, a hand against her shoulder stopped her. "Just stay still a moment Catherine. Don't get up to fast."

"I'm fine. I just haven't had a lot of sleep lately and there is a lot on my mind." She tried to sit up, suddenly hoping that Doc hadn't called anyone or that David hadn't walked in.

" No I don't think you are. Part of it is stress but Catherine you have been dealing with stress for years. C'mon sit up, use my arm." He gestured that she could use his arm; the one leaning on the cane.

Slowly she pulled herself up and allowed herself to be lead to a chair.

" I'm fine Doc. I will go to my office and sit." Catherine tried to coax him into letting her escape.

Doc Robbins however wasn't phased and she knew he knew her to well. Sitting on his desk he seemed to think for a minute. " I said I would bite with the stress being part of it but I also know you understand stress. Its hard to doubt one of your own and to know that your team doubts one of their colleagues. I don't think that would do that to you; that's not going to make you pass out Catherine, your tougher than that. There's nobody here who cant wait for me to hear you out."

" Doc, there are some things I just don't want to talk about; it only makes it hurt more. I don't have the time to break down or to be sick and it doesn't help that I don't even know what to think." She slumped to try and alleviate the pain in her stomach.

" Whats hurting and how long? How you are sitting tells a lot." Doc was watching her intently and she knew his eyes were assessing her.

" I don't know I've been hurting since I woke up and I just feel like I didn't sleep but I slept through my alarm." Catherine admitted, in a way it was good to let Doc in, he was separated from the lab in some ways but knew everything that went on.

" In your stomach? Anywhere specifically or just all through your abdomen?" Doc asked shifting closely, Catherine knew his mind was starting to piece through things.

" Yes but I just feel achy all over." She caught him glancing over towards his equipment; a little bit of fear settled in her.

" Would you let me take a look?" Doc stood, waiting for her to answer and it took her a moment to nod.

There was something chilling about following him over to one of the tables and slowly climbed onto the slab. Laying back she shifted so she was straight, chin up she stared up at the light above the table. Doc didn't put on a pair of gloves which in some way made her feel a little better as he untucked her blouse and pushed it up.

It felt a little better to be laying out flat, there was less pressure and that seemed to mean less pain. As Doc poked and prodded her he seemed to find all the places that hurt the most, the changing expression on his face though worried her. After a few minutes he turned away and began to dig for something.

When he touched her sides again she felt the cold of the rubber latex; he had donned the gloves. Catherine let out a breath and stayed still, Doc was focusing on her navel; with a magnifying glass. He was quiet and focused, for some strange reason she just wanted to go to sleep.

" Catherine, I don't know exactly what to say but the thing is I think you need to go to the hospital; but I also know you. You need to go to the hospital because I know if you were going to have endoscopic surgery i would have heard about it; but there would be a reason. Something is wrong and I cant say definitively what it is." Doc broke off, he didn't need to say it but she also knew he truly didn't know what to say.

"Just call Sara and tell her to come down here and that Greg needs to take over my case; send him the report so he doesn't need to come down here." Catherine sighed, her mind spinning with questions and the empty hours she had assumed she had been sleeping. Finally she began to feel vulnerable and started to sit up.

"I think it would be best if you stayed still, you've put enough strain on yourself as it is." Doc told her, but it hit her that he didn't touch her.

Closing her eyes she just waited for Sara, right now there was only one question in her mind and it was the coldest thought she could have to face. What was wrong with her and could a colleague have done it? She heard the door open and close then the quiet tones of Doc catching Sara up.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" Sara asked, Catherine noted that she had already put on a pair of gloves.

"I've had better days. I want you to take this case and keep it quiet. Consider me your evidence; just a rather big piece." She mumbled, trying to steel herself for what ever Sara decided.

"Not really. You think you would go to the hospital if we took you ?" Sara was watching her close, she knew her friend wanted to send her.

"No. If I'm part of the Jekyll case and I'm alive. I'm the only fresh evidence we have. If I pass out again you can send me until then process. I don't need to know what you're doing when Sara. I trust you." She told her, letting Sara know that it was more than because she was female that Catherine had asked for her.

" Fine. You know your a good candidate for super glue if you haven't showered. My guess is not." Sara told her.

" Your call." Catherine sighed, seeing her friend nod.

Sara nodded this time and began her work, she documented and processed as she stripped Catherine down. Catherine allowed it, knowing it was how she would handle the situation too; just checking to see where Doc was. Of course their friend was at his desk with his back to them. As Sara continued Catherine had to force herself more and more to remain calm. She hated that her friend was going to give her a physical exam but knew there wasn't a way around it and if there was anyone who would not let it effect their friendship it was Sara.

Once that was done Sara withdrew a vile of blood for testing and began setting up for super glue. It would be a first but it could prove effective or not. It made Catherine nervous. Sara built the tent around her, locking it at the end of the table and across the tops of her shoulders. Now they had to wait.

Sara found a chair and pulled it up beside the table, for a moment there was silence; neither knew what to say. For both major boundaries had been crossed, Catherine was afraid to say anything; she didn't know what to say to her old friend. She just stared at her, trying to read the brunette's face and figure out what brown eyes were trying not to say.

"Catherine, you know the guys are going to find out about this. You have to go to the hospital as soon as we are done and I'll stay with you until they put you under but do you want me to explain it or wait; I can list the evidence as Jane Doe." Sara asked, clearly unsure of how to deal with this.

Catherine felt a pang of sympathy, she had put Sara in a tight spot. "Try to keep it quiet as much as you can. Tell Ecklie I've taken a medical leave and that I'm having surgery. He can reach me on my cell later tonight if all goes well if not I'll call him or you explain it."

"Don't think that. You'll be fine. Can you walk me through your day yesterday?" Sara had shifted uncomfortably at her insinuation and moved into business mode.

" I got off work, stopped for some food, went home took a shower and went to bed. After that nothing until my alarm was going off ; I slept through it by almost an hour. I got dressed and came to work." Catherine rattled through it and paused. " Sara I was drugged before, I remember it and I don't. I remember waking up to the blank hours and the panic of knowing nothing. It wasn't like that this morning."

" You were groggy and still felt tired. The pain was duller, its gotten worse slowly through the day."Catherine nodded at Sara's description. "That would be the ketamine, its like waking up after surgery. Its not designed to make you forget, just to keep you out of it. But it does give me something else to look for. I need to find out if it was injected or ingested. Think about what you were wearing when you went to bed."

Catherine was quiet for a moment, she was thinking through her evening more with her work mind; something she hated to do to herself. It brought out the details she looked for in cases but ignored in her personal life, home and routines ; it made her feel as if her job was taking over her life. Now it had, and it needed to. " I was wearing a night shirt and undies. I was wearing underwear when I woke up. I assumed I had just kicked them off in my sleep and they were in the bed but I was late so I didn't look."

"You have trauma both anally and vaginally, at some point you were stripped down. I'll figure out the panties, think about leaving the house, anything out of place?" As Sara spoke Catherine could feel Sara's discomfort; she had to fight her own. This was a personal case, one her friend should be hands off on but she needed someone she trusted.

" My room, was normal, the front door was locked but I didn't check the back. The hall was the same; I didn't go into the kitchen. Sara, I was rushing, I didn't look and I make a point of ignoring certain things at home, to keep my sanity." Catherine sighed, feeling tears well up in her eyes; almost relieved to hear the beeper go off.

Sara cast a long look at her before standing and beginning to take down the tent. Murmuring that she was going to look for an injection mark Sara began at her neck. Catherine just focused on breathing, trying to ignore the feeling of exposure; she was thankful Sara had at least folded sheets to give her a little coverage. After a few moments Sara pushed her hip, gesturing she needed to roll; finally Sara marked the spot. " I generally sleep on my stomach."

"Are you okay, I'll do your back?" Sara asked, quietly trying to figure this out; she just nodded. She felt the brush begin at her shoulder, it felt funny but made her curious. This had never been done on a living person, it was generally considered pushing a line but it was her; she was a CSI so there was a different line. Slowly the powder was worked down and over her hips; she felt Sara pause. "Hey Cath, I need to lift it."

"It worked, you got a print?" She was mildly surprised that it worked, the scientist in her was happy; they finally had a print on this guy. In a lot of ways this could clear the air around the lab; or at least quiet the doubts of the teams.

"It looks good; I don't think it is a glove." She heard the curiosity in Sara's voice and felt the lift pressed against her hip.

The pull of the tape lift didn't bother, she had something to think about now. The problem with that print was going to be contact, it was under her clothes so it was pure luck it hadn't smudged. They needed something on bare skin, that couldn't be compromised by her daily motions; or the rubbing of clothes. She could tell Sara knew that too because she moved down to her ankles and lifted another set.

Catherine let Sara role her and watched the brunette pause before moving to her wrists.

Finally Sara was done and cleaned her up. She wanted Sara to drive her but Sara had none of it; she was transported by ambulance. True to her word Sara stayed with her through admittance and until a nurse came with something to knock her out. She stayed silent until she felt the medicine take effect.

"Can you explain it to Lindsay and stress that she needs to wait; and stay away from the house. My keys are in the front of my purse. Don't ..." She trailed off, unsure how to put it.

" We all have personal lives, and they should stay private; that's what we deal with everyday. Trust me Cath, I know you and I respect you." Sara gently squeezed her hand before leaving.


	2. Chapter 2

**Another chapter, written from Sara's point of view. I am not a doctor but I have done some research so in future chapters. If I'm wrong I'm sorry but this is fanfiction. **

**Reviews are loved. thank you to one tough cookie for reviewing it made me smile; and encouraged this chapter and the next. The double update is for you :)**

**Disclaimer: same as before**

Sara watched as her friend was wheeled away, it was nerve racking to see Catherine wheeled away unconscious. Her boss was one of the strongest women she had ever known, she had seen that all through the evening as she had fought for the evidence.

Once the doors shut she waited a few moments before heading back to the lab. Silently slipping through the lab she headed for Ecklie's office first. Slipping inside her boss looked up.

" Um, Catherine has to have surgery. She's going to be out for a while. It came up suddenly and may be tied to a case. She wants it kept quiet. If everything goes well she will call you tomorrow." She shifted uncomfortably; seeing Ecklie trying to absorb the information.

" You know more than you are saying?" He seemed to be confused but of course was not at a loss for words.

" Yes. I'm working the case. She is in surgery now, but this case is personal; she was a target." Sara tried not to fidget, she wanted to be working; doing something for Catherine.

" I guess I cant say to much about this. I will expect her call and to be briefed on the case when you have something." Ecklie muttered, going back to his paper work.

With a nod she continued down the hall to Catherine's office. Slowly opening the door she felt as if she was invading, Catherine's door was rarely locked but she rarely came in when her friend was not present. Reaching for the bottom drawer where she knew the purse would be, fishing for the keys she quickly stuffed them in her pocket and left; making sure the door was shut tightly.

The drive over was almost painful, but donning gloves before opening her friend's front door was harder; she checked her phone. One of the nurses had promised to text her once Catherine was out of surgery; there was nothing. There was no sign of Lindsay but she called out anyways, again nothing. Heading for the kitchen she tried to picture it the last time she had been in the house.

She smiled, knowing that Catherine liked order; as much as she liked to leave some things at work her personality translated. Wandering through she looked over the fridge, sticky notes decorated it; one more recent and a different colour. A note from Lindsay, she was at a friend's to study. Moving a few she found a list that had been buried by random notes; Lindsay's cell number was second. Slowly she opened her cell and dialled the number.

Hearing the young woman's voice question who it was she sighed.

" Hi Lindsay, its Sara Sidle. Something has happened to your mom. She is at the hospital, she doesn't want you to visit yet or come home; your house may be a scene. I'm there now, I'm going to process it and then I will be going to the hospital. Would you like me to pick you up?" Sara shifted her weight back and forth; slowly scanning the room.

" No it figures. Tell her to call me." Lindsay muttered and then hung up.

Slowly Sara closed her phone and put it away. Something was off and she couldn't quite place it. Carefully moving from the fridge towards the breakfast bar. She knew Catherine, Catherine wouldn't crowd items; she would arrange things. It was a habit that came with being a woman, something men didn't understand. Snapping a picture she began to clear the surface; almost afraid of what she would see. Opening her kit she selected the luminol, this room would be bright and good for operating, at least as good as any in the house. Misting the spray over the bar she just felt sad as it lit up, the whole thing had been bleached.

Hunting around she discovered that Catherine only had one unopened bottle of bleach in the laundry room. She made note to ask her about that before moving back to the kitchen and scouring the room for any missed trace. The hard part was going to be that she was going to be making anything she found mean anything. When Catherine lived here she would need to find a substantial amount of blood to prove anything other than a nosebleed or paper cut.

Continuing her search she moved through the house up to Catherine's room. She paused at the top of the stairs. She had been in the house on several occasions and knew which room the blonde slept in; the intruder wouldn't. At this point she had proof that he may not have been wearing gloves; she just didn't know for how long. Carefully she dusted each door knob and came up empty on all; more than likely the gloves had only come off for a moment or two. Entering the bedroom she tried to guess what first reaction would be.

If she had been the intruder her first action would have been to get Catherine sedated, a strong woman with a gun who had proven herself a fighter; control would have been top priority. That was assuming that Dr Jekyll knew her, and she would, for two reasons and one of them that out of respect for Catherine she would try to push to the back. She knew for lifting Catherine the gloves had been ditched and to her that made sense. Hands would be less likely to alert a semi conscious person, but cold gloves would be a different feel and might make her struggle or fight the sedative.

Either way that meant that for a few moments in time there was the chance of leaving fingerprints, where exactly she didn't know; but she wasn't going to miss them even if she had to print the whole room. The first possibility was the bed frame, which she coated carefully in dust and came up empty.

"Sara, are you here?" Hearing a voice calling from downstairs she had to place it quickly.

"Upstairs, treat it like a scene." She yelled back.

"Hi Sara, Lindsay called me. Uh she said something about Catherine being in surgery and you here. She's a little confused and so am I ." Lou Vartann greeted her from the door way.

"Lindsay called you?" Sara asked, a little mystified.

"Sara Catherine and I have been seeing each other; for awhile. I care a lot about her and Lindsay. Tell me what you are trying to figure out and if it is about Cath I can probably help." The detective mumbled the last few words, Sara smiled; his cheeks were turning red.

" I lifted prints from her body, they are clean; not gloves. My problem is the rest of the time he wore gloves but I cant think that anyone could take that much weight up without bracing themselves; not saying that Catherine is that heavy. I also don't know why she would allow that." Sara explained to him, gesturing with her print brush.

" Catherine usually sleeps sort of on her side. I know why she would have allowed that and felt comfortable with it; I dont know how someone else would know it though. Sometimes I come over and she has already gone to bed so I use her hips to pick her up and shake her a little bit; its kind of our thing. Catherine is also very docile when she is just waking up, at least if she is happy." Lou explained shifting uncomfortably.

Sara began to look around the room, to know something like that someone would need to be watching Lou and Catherine. Her eyes came to land on the laptop open on the desk. Moving over to it she turned it on and accessed the web cam logs; she couldn't take it in to Archie. That would bother Catherine, she was glad that she had picked up a few things from the spunky tech. Scrolling through she found two clear hacks that the computer had been remotely accessed; to bad that it was fairly easy to hack a web cam. There were probably dozens of sites someone could read through to learn how.

" This is how they knew what you did. Most likely she was in a settled sleep and she was given the drugs then rather than wait for them to take effect they used a motion she would be comfortable with. It would also explain the lack of gloves, that might register with her as abnormal. I'll check the wall for prints, I would assume he would have carried her over his shoulder. You didnt see her yesterday?" Sara began to smooth dust over the wall about shoulder height.

" Yes I did, I came over just for a little bit as she was going to bed but I didnt stay long. She needed the sleep, things at the lab have been stressing her out lately; trying to lead the team and figure out loyalties. We just talked. What is wrong with her Sara?" Lou moved farther into the room.

" I understand things at the lab, there have been a lot of suspicions flying around. I think, and Doc Robbins agrees with me that she was. That Doctor Jekyll, the serial case, that she was his victim. I have evidence that he possibly operated on her on the breakfast bar. Do you know if she cleaned her kitchen recently, or got cut? I only found a small amount of blood and the luminol reacts with the bleach as much as the blood; nothing to distinctly prove he was there." Sara watched reactions roll through the detective's face; it was clear that he cared a lot.

" She doesn't use bleach in her kitchen, she has a Lysol cleaner she buys for it; no bleach near food. She hasn't mentioned anything and there haven't been any cuts on her recently. Do you believe what people are saying about Ray? Do you think he could have done this? She is trying so hard to trust him." Lou sighed.

" I know Catherine and until there is evidence against him she wont hear anything of what people suspect. I don't know him well enough, and I definitely don't know if he is capable of doing something like this; but I think all people are. Was she dressed for bed when you saw her?" Sara tried to give a reasonable answer, turning back to the wall to hide her own feelings. She didn't know what to think but if Ray had done this to Catherine she could not go near him. She wanted evidence to give a clear lead soon; she felt much the same way as Catherine when it came to doubting a colleague.

" Sara was she wearing a ring?" Lou asked, there was something in his tone that worried her.

" No, there wasn't anything in her pockets either." She answered, sensing the urgency of the question.

" Is there anything by her nightstand?" He moved closer, stopping as if he hit a wall; clearly torn between his job and his feelings.

Carefully she looked through the nightstand, trying to ignore a few of the items she noticed; some of Catherine's life deserved to remain private. " There is no ring her Lou. She may have taken it off for work, it could be in her purse or her truck."

" He takes something from his victims, what if he took her ring. That's not fair, she was so happy. Catherine has been burned so many times, she wanted to see commitment. She didn't deserve this, she was afraid to tell me things because every man she trusted hurt her. I hurt her, now shes hurting and I can do anything." Lou turned angry, Sara knew he had sensed the answer before asking the question.

Knowing her friend she knew the ring would mean a lot. It was a unrequired show of commitment. He had chosen it and spoken it; she could only imagine how thrilled Catherine would have been.

" We will find out for sure and if he did take it then we will do our best to get it back. Tell me what she was wearing last night. Everything you saw on her body before you left; I have to locate all of it." Sara went back to dusting the wall, and suddenly froze.

Spreading more dust around her heart rose, they had a clean hand print. Someone had leaned against the wall. Trying to keep her reaction hidden she reached for a tape lift and waited for Lou to start talking; she didn't want him distracted. Once the print was lifted, sealed and tucked into her kit she turned to face him.

" Cath was wearing an oversized grey shirt, and blue underwear; no bra. I'm, um, sure of that. If her underwear aren't in the hamper they may be in the bedding; she gets them off sometimes in her sleep. She squirms." He looked at the floor.

Sara moved to the closet and opened the hamper. A grey shirt was on top, underneath were the clothes Sara had seen her friend in during last shift. Turning to the bed she through back the sheets; still nothing. She hunted around the bed a bit but still came up empty; there was a slight glimmer of hope.

" They aren't here and she was not wearing them today. I will check the trash around and get some cadets to look through the dumpsters near by. There is the possibility they may have been taken; it would be evidence that could close the case. I know its awkward but when was the last time you two had sex? She had bruising, it could have been from rough sex or from insertion of something." Sara shifted uncomfortably, these were her friends and she was invading.

" Not last night, actually not this week; I mean actual sex. There may have been some, uh touching but nothing that could possibly leave bruises and nothing down there; I think she took her shower after I left. I picked out her night clothes and put them out for her." Lou was clearly not comfortable with more details, for now she didn't need them.

" I'm done here. I am going to run this stuff to the lab then go to the hospital to wait for Catherine. Do you want to come with me? I can check her purse for the ring. I cant think there would be many other places she would keep it, she would want it near her." Sara closed her kit, ready to leave and go wait for Catherine.

"I would like that." Lou let her pass him and moved to follow her.

The drive to the lab was silent, Sara was trying to figure out how she felt about Catherine leaving out part of her evening; and keeping her out of something clearly so important. Still this was not how her friend should be celebrating her engagement, even if it was secret. She found herself wondering if things had been different if Catherine would have told her.

At the lab Lou shadowed her silently to Nick's office and then waited outside. Slowly she stepped into the office and shut the door, causing the Texan and acting supervisor to look up.

" What happened to Catherine?" The man cut to the chase.

" She is at Desert Palm. Catherine is a victim of the serial case and this needs to stay completely silent." Sara told him straight.

" Wait, Dr Jekyll? You have the case?" Nick was clearly stunned.

" Yes, and Nick I have the case for the obvious reasons. I processed her. I'm not giving you my photos and you wont ask for them out of respect for her. I am giving you the evidence I got from her house and her body. Walk it through the lab yourself and text me immediately with results. As soon as I know anything about Catherine I will call." Sara explained, trying to be gentle but also knowing Nick; a southern gentleman who wouldn't quite get it. Setting the evidence on his desk she waited.

" Fine. Sara what if we find evidence that... its his day off." Nick hesitated, knowing the gossip floating around the lab.

" I know. I've thought about it. We treat it the same as any other case. If you have to find him brief Brass and deal with it. Be very careful about force though if it comes to that. Call me though, please." Sara let her tone reveal her hope. She wanted to know but so would Lou and eventually Catherine.  
"Do you know what was done to her? Or when? I mean why Catherine?" He murmured.

" I dont but as soon as I do I will, and she okays it, I will tell you." Sara assured him, ignoring the last question.

Slipping out she left Nick to process it all, knowing the Texan would be closed lipped as anyone in the lab. She just hoped she could keep it from Hodges until she had time to cut him a new one and Catherine was on the road to recovery. Lou followed silently as they moved to Catherine's office. Retrieving the purse she opened the top drawers just to check; nothing.

Leaving the office she flipped the lock, Catherine's open door policy should only work if she was around. Lou looked at her hopefully. She shook her head but lifted the purse to show him they still had a chance. Heading back to the truck she let Lou drive.

Carefully opening the purse she felt bad snooping. First she checked each pocket before opening the main compartment. Pulling out the wallet she hunted through the rest of the contents; there was nothing. Opening the wallet she checked the little pockets, still nothing; but the photo stopped her. It was of Catherine, Lindsay and Lou. She caught Lou watching her.

" She wanted to tell you Sara. We talked about it a lot but, slowly we came to the decision it needed to stay out of the lab completely. I am sorry that I tried to keep you out when I arrived at the house. I know you probably talked to her about last night and she left it out I will guess. Its not you." Lou explained, his eyes focused straight ahead on the road.

" Its okay. Remember I kept my relationship out of the lab for two years; from everyone. Although I kept it from Catherine she managed to guess it; I wasn't so quick." She dismissed it, right now that wasn't something that needed to be hashed out. She knew Catherine would have had her reasons.


	3. Chapter 3

**The double. :) Again I am not a doctor so any medical stuff is just google research. if its wrong sorry but there probably will be more in chapters to come; I will keep it realistic but maybe not practised.**

**TWiST :) **

**Disclaimer: same as always, I own nothing**

**Reviews make my day and inspire more writing**

At the hospital they found a waiting room and Sara learned something else; Catherine had Lou as her next of kin. Meaning a nurse came out of surgery to brief him. Catherine had been in surgery for four hours and had crashed. It had been tight for a while but slowly their friend was being rearranged and put back together properly.

Hour after hour time ticked by. Lou took time to call Lindsay and reassure her to stay where she was. Sara agreed with his decision, the wait was painful. They sat for three hours before another nurse came out. The news though was more confusing.

"Catherine's odds are starting to look up; we are getting closer to the end. After recovery she shouldn't have to many further complications. Her organs are healthy and the trauma is while a concern she will recover and there should be few lasting consequences. I do need a decision in regards to the embryo. The implantation was recent, the fluid injected with it is still within her uterus. With her age and the body trauma there are many risks in keeping the pregnancy. The first being infection."

"Catherine is pregnant? Implanted, not natural?"Lou was stunned.

"Yes implanted, there is generally a fluid medium injected with the embryo; this is generally discharged or removed but monitored. It is very recent." The nurse repeated.

" What needs to be done ? Whats the risk to her life?" Sara heard the fear in his voice.

"Right now she is steady. We are still working on her and there is risk. She crashed on us early but that was due to drugs in her system, we have her balanced. The risk right now is minimal compared to what we have been doing. Further down the road there is greater risk, she will be recovering as the baby is developing." The nurse was now seeming a little apprehensive, understanding had donned; this had not been a choice.

" I have to let her make that decision. I know she is against abortion, this is her body; I cant make that call for her. There is time." Lou sighed.

The nurse nodded and left. Waiting began again. Sara shifted feeling her phone vibrate. It was Nick and the news made her cold. She couldn't bring herself to share the news on Catherine, only replying that they were still waiting.

Glancing over at Lou she saw he had his head in his hands. She felt bad, it had to be hard for him. Now she was going to drop more news on him. " The prints from the house and Catherine came back. It is Ray. Nick has a warrant in progress."

"He did this to her? All there is are those two prints, on all those cases. She is going to be crushed." He sighed.

"No there will be more there has to be. Her tox report. The equipment, possibly the panties. Definitely the embryo. I don't know how the guys are going to handle it; its going public now. Archie is already running finances. Its a good thing he is off today." Sara listed off all that they had.

" So her case will close this. He is lucky I'm not leaving here till I know she is alright." The detective's voice was a low growl.

Silence fell again. Sara was texting the lab and trying to sort out her feelings. Glancing up she noticed that Lou had began to pace. She knew the detective had worked with Ray Langston too, he had also probably heard a fair bit from Catherine. Sara wondered how he would process this, her mind was swimming. Yet she didn't know how to feel, she felt anger boiling up that she had not felt in a long time. Part of it was betrayal, she was beginning to dread telling Catherine.

Sara knew how hard Catherine had fought to believe in her team; she had forced them all to. Feeling the anger and betrayal on her own could not be near what Catherine was going to feel. She felt cruel for not being able to bring one bit of good news; her friend needed some kind of pick up. Glancing at Lou again she tried to read his thoughts, he had stopped and was burning holes into the floor with a glare.

"Penny for your thought?" She tried to lighten the mood.

" He took her ring. Even if we get it back she cant wear that; it will be a constant reminder. Not that a child wont be, and if she has to abort it then that could break her. I want to do right by her, her dream is fidelity, a good marriage; someone she can truly confide in and trust." He broke off and Sara sensed that she should stay quiet; he wasn't done. They both understood that they had to be sorted out before they went to try and help Catherine; she would need all their support.

" He sent all his others towards death, I just cant believe that he could know her and try to kill her. Ray seemed so normal, and she believed in him; she beat herself up to trust him. I cant tell her that he used some thing we did to keep her calm, even if it left prints to nail him. It was something she liked, I liked; its not right.

Cath is the strongest woman I ever met. When I started to get to know her, to try and get through her walls, I understood why I wasn't happy before. I don't know how people could try to just know her body. They have no idea what it did to her, it made her strong; but in a way it also broke her. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't see her break again; I wouldn't hurt her. The day I make that commitment a person she forced herself to trust puts her in the hospital; he could have hacked her web cam and listened to everything I said." Finally he sat down.

" How did you propose?" Sara asked, surprised that the steely detective was showing so much emotion.

That seemed to lighten his mood; he laughed a little.

"You should ask Cath that. I don't know if she would want it shared, even if this hadn't happened."

She raised her eye brow at him with a smirk, she could only imagine. Catherine had an edge and she might like some other things; he would know that.

" I will, count on that." She smiled, glancing up as a nurse passed by; not for them though. She noticed that Lou was fiddling with his phone.

" Right." He muttered, still on his phone. " Sara, there is a jewellery store just down the street. She should never have to wear that ring. I want to see if I can get a new one before she comes out. You text me if she comes out; or anything changes?" He posed both a question and a statement; it was a no brain answer.

" Of course." As Sara answered Lou was gone and she was again left to her thoughts.

It was only ten minutes after he left that a nurse came in; a part of her immediately worried. Lou had showed Id to get updates. She wasn't sure the nurse would give them to her.

" Sara right?" The woman asked, she nodded unsure of what was coming. "You don't know me, I'm Nancy. Catherine's sister. What the heck happened to her, and where is Lou? One of the nurses assisting said he was here."

Sara was more than a little surprised. She knew Catherine had a sister, didn't know how close they were. Apparently close enough to know Catherine's boyfriend. " We have been dealing with a twisted serial case at the lab; creep made Catherine his victim. We know who it is know, the others are working it. Lou stepped out for a moment, he'll be back."

"Right, a nurse should be out in a bit. She will tell you what was done and that they are closing her up. Don't tell her I was by, I snooped out my info from . We haven't been close in years but we are sisters; I know how to weasel gossip just as well as she does." The woman smiled and shifted her weight.

" I understand. Catherine wanted this quiet but it was sudden. I wont mention it. But I know when your faced with death it can make you look at a few things differently." Sara replied still a little taken aback but also relieved; she was on the outside of a lot of Catherine's life but some things she knew. In a way this was showing her the distance there was between her and Catherine as work friends but not more; made her wonder if it had always been that way and always would.

" I was the one who shut her out, she has tried a few times to get closer again but in some ways we are to alike. We both like to watch out for each other from the outside. I'm off shift so I am going to head; shouldn't be waiting to much longer." With that Nancy turned and slipped away; Sara saw another side of the family resemblance.

This time she was only left alone a moment, another nurse came in; it was the same one as last time. She was thankful that no questions were asked but she sent a message to Lou that a nurse was there before settling in to listen.

" We are just closing her up; it looks good. Temporary clamps are being put in so that until she wakes up if anything goes wrong we can get to work quick. The drugs in her system have posed complications throughout, mainly though it has been keeping her under and not having her crash. She did crash early on, it was tight but we all were a little surprised.

There was a CSI with her when she came in and what we retrieved will be passed on but none of this was natural. She has severe trauma from endoscopic equipment anally and vaginally. We went in orally and were in when she crashed; that is going to need time to heal. She will be able to talk but there was strain on her jaws and throat; it is unlikely she will be able to swallow for a few days.

The issue was that her organs were rearranged and her intestines shifted up and tied in knots. The re arrangement has proved the challenge but in her lungs there were two items that we caught at the last minute.

As well you are aware of the embryo, we were able to remove most of the fluid, she may need a type of massage to encourage her body to release the rest but to go in is to risky. All we want to do there is going to be make her body want to expel it.

She is going to have a long road to recovery but as long as she wakes up she should be okay. She will need to stay here for at least a few days, likely a week. But she cannot stay on her own when she goes home and her core movement will be extremely restricted, very little bending or twisting and absolutely no lifting. She cannot stress her organs. Do you have any questions?" The nurse finally finished, giving her a reassuring smile.

" How much longer will she be?" Sara asked, right now she didn't want to be the CSI she wanted to go be with her friend; yet she still owed it to Catherine.

"They are fixing the clamps in now. Another ten minutes or so and she will be out. We will not be putting her in the general post op, she will be moved to a private room for security reasons; request from a Conrad Ecklie. He said there would be a CSI to stay with her." The nurse explained.

"I'm the CSI. Catherine and I are close and I will be staying with her as will Lou Vartann. I also need anything you retrieved during surgery." Sara showed her Id.

" Okay, ah, I am going back to surgery I will bring the items for you." The nurse slipped away, clearly made a little uncomfortable.

As the nurse left Lou came in and Sara replayed the entire conversation. Now though nerves were beginning to set in; very soon they would be able to see Catherine. Sara felt afraid in some ways, she knew from her own life that some scars could be incredibly hard to overcome. This very well could bring out many of them quickly, Catherine would have to face them head on. A few minutes later a nurse came by and told them they could go see her; but she wouldn't be awake yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Another chapter Sara's point of view. one more then shifting back to Catherine. Again I an no doctor any medical reference is just research, may not be current or in context... this is fanfiction**

**thank you so much for the reviews... they made my day**

**disclaimer: as always i own nothing**

While it may have been the first time she had ever seen Catherine completely relaxed it was not a good feeling or scene. An oxygen tube was connected to her nose and her eyes were closed; she looked like she was sleeping. Nothing could have prepared her for seeing Catherine like that, nor for seeing how quickly Lou moved to her side.

Stepping into the room she shut the door. She watched the man sit on the edge of the bed, he ran his hand gently through her hair. She watched him repeating the motion until she realized that he was working the knots out. Sara moved closer, unsure what to do until Lou gestured that she sit on the other side.

" I cant believe Ray could do this to her. I want to kill him." The detective breathed, his hand pausing to cup Catherine's cheek. Sara was drawn closer, if only to try and see some part of the strong woman she knew; the vulnerable figure frightened her.

It was as she sat on the other side of the bed that she realized just how thin the blonde was. Both herself and Lou were sitting on either edge of the room and neither were crowding Catherine. There was something reassuring though, watching her chest rise and fall she could almost see her taking deeper breathes.

Slowly she watched as Catherine began to wake, eventually Catherine's face began to shift. Lou took her hand and began soothing her, trying to get her to open her eyes. Suddenly blue eyes flew open, there was a look of sheer terror on Catherine's face. Sara realized that part of what the nurse had been talking about was the challenge of keeping her under; she wondered how well that had worked. She was instantly glad for Lou's presence, Catherine was barely awake but had been terrified; he talked her down easily.

Letting her rest they sat beside her in silence, Sara eventually moved to the chair a nurse brought in when she came to check her vitals and talk to them a little more. Eventually the nurse came back again and told them it was time to wake her; Sara let Lou take the lead in that. He coaxed her awake, more than just opening her eyes this time. Whispering softly into her ear, Sara didn't hear what he was saying to her.

Slowly moving over to the bed Sara let Lou know she wanted to talk to Catherine. He sat back a little bit and Sara sat on the edge of the bed as she had before. " Hey how are you feeling? You need to be straight with me right now."

" Everything hurts a lot." Catherine answered softly.

" I'll bet. They are trying to hold off on giving you more meds; they have been having a hard time stabilizing your system. They want to let some of them work their way out. I've got a lot to tell you but I need you to be awake; you aren't right now." Sara felt her voice choke, there was not one thing that she had to tell Catherine that she wanted to; but secrecy would only hurt more.

"Why does it feel like my chest is splitting open if I try to breathe?" Catherine whispered.

" Because you have clamps in not stitches." A voice behind her made Sara jump, a nurse was standing there. " I'm going to put in the stitches right now. You are feeling some discomfort but the medication should be still keeping you numb. Can you two leave please?"

Sara started to stand, nodding slightly. Her arm being grabbed tightly stopped her; she looked back at Catherine. The look of sheer terror was there for a second, but then she saw anger mixed in. Though the words had a softness to them not normal for Catherine there was every bit of hate she knew the blonde was capable of demonstrating behind them. " I don't want you to touch me. I don't trust you. At all."

" Hun, your friends don't need to see this. If it hurts to much tell me and I can help you distracted." The nurse soothed, taking a few steps closer; the all heard a buzzing.

Sara glanced at Lou's phone and heard a low string of expletives. She looked back at Catherine and the fear was clear in her eyes. She watched how he looked at Catherine and knew immediately what had happened; he had a call out.

" Cat I have to go. I never called in for work and I caught a scene. Sara will stay with you and when I come back I wont leave again. I promise." The man dropped to kiss Catherine's forehead before slipping away. Sara noted immediately that he had said nothing to get the nurse any closer; the grip on her arm had tightened excessively.

"You aren't going to touch me." Catherine spoke clearly, her voice bitter; she had become alert very quickly.

"Catherine, you need to calm down. We can all hear the scratchiness in your voice; I know that means it is painful. I am going to pull my cart in. You need to remain calm; do not try and move." The nurse bypassed Catherine's protest this time, Sara watched every ounce of softness slip away; Catherine was gearing herself up for a fight.

It brought several immediate questions to her mind, it also told her just how much trust Catherine had in Lou. Her first was what did Catherine truly remember and then what had she heard; there were more but she wasn't going to get any of them answered very soon. Sitting back on the bed she took Catherine's free hand; the one that wasn't busy denying blood flow into her hand.

"Catherine you need to let the nurse put the stitches in; you want the meds to keep you numb." She tried to reassure the woman, and herself; seeing Catherine this broken down was becoming more and more frightening.

" Sara I mean what I said. She isn't going to touch me. No one I don't know and trust is touching me. Not until I have some answers; it took a doctor to do this to me in the first place." Catherine was angry and sounded on the verge of tears.

" Hey you need to calm down. I know who did this to you. We have an identity but not all the answers. I'm going to be right here the whole time, I don't care what she says. But you are going to lie still and cooperate." Sara gave the order calmly, almost feeling Catherine relax.

"Who?" Catherine's voice caught.

"Not right now and you are done talking." Sara silenced her, and when she tried to protest Sara stopped her with a swift nod.

Sara gently eased herself further into the bed, lifting Catherine's head and shoulders gently; letting the blonde's head rest in her lap. Catherine looked up at her nervously, Sara gently pushed her hair back and reached for her hands.

Glancing up at the nurse she gave the stunned woman a curt nod. She could tell the nurse was not pleased but she moved next to the bed and folded down the blanket before lifting the hospital gown. As the fabric came up Sara realized they had practically split her friend from just below her navel up as high as she could see. Realizing that Catherine was craning to look down she caught her jaw and forced it up. Shaking her head firmly, seeing Catherine's eyes water; knowing the blonde understood why she shouldn't look.

" The incision is clean but we need to make sure no infection gets in." The nurse explained, Sara watched the woman rub a dark liquid from just below Catherine's navel up to between her breasts; it spoke to just how much damage had been done. " I am going to remove a few clamps at a time and stitch up as I go. You will feel some pinching."

Sara focused on her friend's face as the clamp was cut, for each clamp removed three stitches were placed; and Catherine winced each time. Sara palmed her friends hands letting her know that she could inflict some pain to relieve her own. Catherine's grip tightened as the stitches moved up, Sara felt the woman begin to tense her spine; she tried to keep her from arching back. " That's going to make it worse."

" You are going to need to focus on keeping relaxed for the next few weeks. We were able to do some work without cutting but not very much. Most of your core muscles have been cut but to reposition your organs the sinew that holds them in place was cut. You are on complete bed rest for awhile. I am almost done, how are you holding up?" The nurse had removed the last clamp and was finishing the stitches.

" I've been better." Catherine whispered, Sara could see tears budding at the edge of blue eyes.

" I want to know what needs to be done for her. If she cant be up and moving around how do we keep her muscles strong and stretched?" Sara asked the nurse, needing to get all the information she could.

" There will be a therapist in to try and help keep her muscles from atrophying; she will do a series of stretches. Other things will also be done to help keep her body healthy." The nurse explained, repositioning the gown and blanket.

" Is there going to be anything I can do for myself?" Catherine muttered.

" I'm sorry but very little. Your body needs to focus on recovering. You still have full muscle control so you can help with the stretches. When we start you on a solid diet you will be able to feed yourself. I know you feel the pain in your jaw, if you try and swallow you are going to find that it is very hard; the doctor is going to come in and decide how to deal with that." The nurse told her gently.

" This is humiliating, anything else?" Tears leaked down Catherine's face, Sara felt bad for her friend.

" Hey. Lou and I are going to take care of you. You're going to be fine, we know you and you will get past this." Sara told her firmly, Catherine didn't need to be babied; she hated it.

The nurse left and Sara let Catherine have her bed back telling her to try and rest. For several hours she sat just watching Catherine. For a long time the blonde stared right back at her, then surveyed the room before finally closing her eyes; she had a feeling that Catherine was in to much pain to sleep. She watched the shallow rise and fall of her boss's chest, deep breaths hurt.

A knock at the door made her perk, a nurse gestured that she should come to the hall. "You asked to be notified if anyone tried to pick up the evidence removed from Ms Willows. A Conrad Ecklie just came to collect the evidence."

" Thank you. Can you stay here? If she wakes up tell her I will be back." Sara asked, the nurse nodded and Sara hurried down the hall towards the nurses station.

Conrad Ecklie was leaning against the nurses station, the man stood straight as Sara approached and for once no hate towards the man threatened to boil up. There had been a time when this man had been gunning to get her fired but she knew that he, like many, had a great deal of respect for the grave shift supervisor; even if there was a bit of a grudge along with it.

" How is she?" He asked as Sara stopped in front of him.

" Not that great, she had drugs in her system when she came in and they haven't worn out yet so they are avoiding giving her more. Have the guys got him?" She answered, watching the nurses move around the station.

" No. Cant locate him yet. He is not answering his cell." The man trailed off as an alarm went off and nurses that had been bustling around all began to move towards one room.

Sara turned and she realized that it was Catherine's room; the nurse she had left there was coming towards them. Sara felt fear, that did not look good. " What happened?"

" A volunteer came in. I know him, had a form from the doctor; she was to have a shot. I didn't even look at it; I'm not on her detail. I didn't realize she wasn't to have meds. He used to be a doctor, I knew he knew what he was doing. I didn't check her chart, or go in the room at all." The woman babbled, Sara could tell someone had clued her in; or chewed her out.

" Who? Who was it?" Sara cut her off.

" Ray, um Ray Langston. He has been a volunteer here for awhile." The nurse answered, stunned by the look of horror that must have crossed her face.

" Get on the phone right now. Security is not to let him leave the building." Ecklie cut in, ordering the woman in a cold voice Sara had heard a few times.

The nurse nodded and scrambled around the desk just as a nurse came rushing back towards Sara. " I will text you when we get him. Go to her." Ecklie told her and Sara moved to meet the nurse.

Pivoting on her heel the nurse fell into step with Sara and began to talk to her. " She was given adrenaline. She has enough other stuff in her that we aren't going to counter act it we are going to let it run its course and detox her completely. It will take most of the night and she will be in excruciating pain. We need to restrain her but she is fighting; you need to get her calmed down. The doctor also wants to insert a feeding tube just to get it done. In the next twenty four hours it is highly unlikely that she will be given anything in the way of medicine."

" So I need to get her calmed down. What is she doing?" Sara asked, her mind reeling.

" Fighting for all shes worth and it is not good for her." The nurse stated emphatically as they entered the room.

There was a cluster of scrubs and lab coats around the bed. Sara pushed her way through to see three nurses holding Catherine down. Doctors were working with a cart of some kind but she could have cared less; her focus had zeroed in.

" Catherine, listen Catherine you need to calm down." Sara took over holding one arm down and the nurse fastened a cloth restraint around the wrist. The blonde's body was still trembling and she was trying to fight. " Stay still. Catherine. Listen to my voice. You need to be still."

Sara tried with everything she was to keep her voice calm but it was breaking, she was afraid. It only took moments for Catherine to be fastened down but her body did not stop trembling.

She held the blonde's hand and fought not to be pushed back as doctors prepared to insert the tube. She winced as the woman choked and turned her head against it; she knew she was only hurting herself more.

As the tube was taped to the side of her mouth nurses began to filter out and Sara stared at them; not one seemed to be bothered by this. Catherine was trembling constantly and they just walked away.

" What is happening to her?"

" She is going to detox. Right now the chemicals in her system are all reacting, she is probably going to have no memory of this. Her body is on overload. Tonight will be the worst, once she makes it through that we can get her on a fixed regimen of medicine. We will test her blood regularly and when she comes up clean we will start. It is going to be a long night. I will be in through out, if you are staying I can come in later once everything settles down and answer any questions you have." The doctor explained, resting a soothing hand on Catherine's arm but also reaching out for Sara.

" Thank you." Sara answered.

The woman nodded and slipped away. Sara sat in the chair and looked at the floor. After a moment though she felt uncomfortable. Sara looked up and found blue eyes staring at her; she could tell the drugs were effecting Catherine and that she was terrified of it.

" Its okay. You're going to be okay. Tonight is going to be hard but I am going to be right here." She reached out and slowly stroked her hand. After a long time Catherine turned away, her body still trembling but she had settled a bit.

Finally Catherine seemed to have shut her eyes to rest, there was nothing peaceful about it. Sara finally ducked to check her phone, a sigh of relief rocked her body; Ray had been taken into custody. Now in a way she could relax, the person who had been out to hurt Catherine was in custody among people who loved and respected her. Standing up she stretched, her body was stiff. Deciding she needed to move she walked down to the gift shop and bought a pad of paper and pack of pens. Back upstairs she settled back in the chair and began to jot out some notes.

There were so many things she wanted to know, she would need to know. There were questions she needed to know about Catherine's care, what the steps would be and how she could help her friend. She also wanted to know what had been done to her. Eventually Catherine would ask and be well enough to want detailed answers, she needed to be able to give them; and explain to Lou.


	5. Chapter 5

**Starting to get interesting... Catherine waking up, last chap from Sara's POV for now. again I know very little medical stuff what is mediciny and doctory in here came from a google search and may be inaccurate but try and go with the plot and over look that stuff if it bothers you.**

**reviews are loved and this is long because of the awesome people who reviewed... thank you!**

**disclaimer; go back to chapter 1,2, 3, or 4 and if you havent got it by now im very sorry... i own nothing **

The night was long, Sara didn't sleep and neither did Catherine. As the hours wore on it became evident that the drugs were working their way out. She watched as her boss became weaker and pain clearer on her face. By morning tears were flowing slowly but freely down Catherine's face. She knew it was hard for her to just have to listen but Sara tried to keep up a steady stream of comforting words; wishing Lou would return but also dreading it.

The doctor had come, true to her word around one and simply sat down with Sara's list and wrote out the answers; a slight smirk had played at her lips. It was around that time that Sara also gave up on checking her phone, there was nothing comforting coming through; just neat and frustrating ends. It was just before six that the doctor came back with a brighter expression.

" Her blood work from four came back clean. I am starting her on a mild pain relief drip; we will gradually increase it until she is comfortable. The initial does may take up to a half hour to kick in but she will feel it when it does. Once it takes effect the restraints can be released." The doctor explained as she once again checked Catherine's vitals and recorded them on the chart before hooking up an IV and hanging the bag.

"How long will she need the feeding tube, it hasn't been used yet?" Sara asked, the medication would make Catherine feel bad and she knew that once the blonde was feeling better she would want to ask questions.

"It will be later this morning mainly because we cant afford a nurse to help her and she cannot do it on her own. We also weren't expecting her to calm down like this but we cant risk her getting upset again and flailing around, she has done far to much of it already." The woman seemed to pause, considering Catherine's attentive figure; the blonde was listening to every word.

"If you haven't gathered that someone will be here with her until she can leave than you have a problem. Show me what to do and I will take care of it, just take that thing out of her." Sara retorted tiredly.

"Well that makes the fight to get it in a useless battle, is that what you want?" The doctor looked at Catherine who nodded emphatically. "Fine, but you aren't talking today, your throat should be sore enough you don't want to; but I don't underestimate your will at all."

The doctor left the room again but returned quickly. Sara moved over to the bed and sat near Catherine, holding her hand. "I'm sorry for putting you through this as it wasn't necessary but at the time I had assumed it would be; you have very good friends. This is going to hurt."

As the tube was pulled out Catherine choked a bit as she clenched Sara's hand. She really didn't mind the loss of feeling in her hand as Catherine closed her eyes and tipped her head back. The doctor made her open her mouth and gestured that Sara move closer.

" You can see the tearing in her mouth? That goes all the way down her throat and is what will cause the pain in speaking but makes it very difficult for her to swallow. To insert the endoscope the muscles were relaxed and stretched, the first time it was use it was not inserted gently. When we went back in we had difficulties keeping her under which caused muscles that needed to stay relaxed to tense. This makes it harder for her to swallow but also painful. To encourage swallowing use two fingers and apply gentle pressure all the way down her throat. If she starts to choke just pull her further forward and don't panic, it will happen and the movement will cause the liquids to slide down easier. All she will have will be liquids nothing solid." The doctor demonstrated the movement on Catherine and then made Sara do it; Catherine swallowed involuntarally.

" Alright, I will let the nurses know to send in her breakfast. Catherine you shouldn't talk at all. I will come by this evening and check you over and we will discuss some things; if you're up to it. I will bring a note pad." The doctor told her before gesturing that Sara should follow her into the hall.

" I'll be right back." Sara promised, turning to follow the doctor.

" What does she know about what was done to her? Have you had a chance to read over the notes I left?" The doctor asked as soon as the door was shut.

" She doesn't know much. We haven't told her any thing really; just wasn't a chance. I have read some of them but I am trying to put it all to memory so I can take care of her. I know she hates it but I also know Lou is going to try and she is going to hate that more. Its going to be hard either way, Catherine is strong and independent. I will get through them before you come back and I'll talk to her about it a little bit, I think either Lou or I should tell her about the pregnancy." Sara told her, in truth she had glanced through all the notes but had been distracted by Catherine's pain; the last couple hours had been cruel.

" I understand. I wont be able to be back till probably after supper; I'm going off shift. There will be a type of physiotherapist in and from what the nurses have said she doesn't take to well to other people touching her. She will show you what to do so that as long as you are taking care of it as often as possible we wont worry about it too much. There will also be a nurse in who needs to do what is called a massage but it wont feel like a good one , to encourage the fluid to drain out. Personally just seeing the difference in her reaction between me and you touching her I strongly feel that you should do it. If you are comfortable I will leave a note for the nurse. It is important that we get the fluid drained otherwise there is a great risk of infection and she wont have a choice as to whether or not to keep the baby. Do you know why she is reacting so much to other people touching her? I don't get the sense from how you talk or her general appearance that she is a jumpy person." The doctor asked, she could see curiosity as well as concern in the hazel eyes.

" Any aspect of her care I will take on. I have all the time off I need and if my boss didn't like it I wouldn't care. I don't exactly need to work but the job needs me. My boss and I, the one above her, don't have a good history but he needs the hands so he will cope in hopes I will return when she does; if not before. Our team will either pick up the slack or pass it to days, we will be short now as is; but no one will blame us. One of our coworkers is responsible for this but I'm not sure if she knows that or not. Either way she is trying to protect herself. I have worked with her for ten years so she knows me. Part of it though is the understanding that whoever did this had a medical degree and well she knows I don't but she also knows I have values that I put above everything." Sara explained, trying to put words together to make it sound less awkward.

" Her, your coworker?" The woman sounded stunned.

" Yes. We don't have a reason or a confession yet but there is substantial evidence against him that there is very little doubt. It hurts a lot but I know it is going to hurt her more." Sara sighed, she had been trying not to think to much about Ray; partially because it made an anger boil inside her.

" I can understand that. Do you have a problem if I share that with the nurses on her rotation? It will make it a little easier for them to let you be their hands." The doctor asked hesitantly.

" I would ask that you use digression in doing so but I can understand that they want to know. Please just ask that they try and understand that she knows it was someone with a medical degree that did this and it scares her to be dependent on anyone. If you knew her this would make more sense." Sara tried to limit the information that would be given out, she could only imagine that the hospital would have a gossip group equal or more extensive than the lab.

" Of course. Thank you. I am truly sorry this happened to her." The doctor gave her a sad smile and turned to leave.

As she pushed the door open to go back to Catherine she whispered " So am I."

Even though the bed was laid flat Catherine had her head perked and watched her come back to the chair. Blue eyes were focused and not with the wildness of the meds or pain anymore. Just having rid of the feeding tube made her look better. The IV was minor and the oxygen tube small and removable; she looked like she was ready to start recovery. Pulling the notepad and her phone out of her seat she noticed a message. It was from Lou it said he was delayed on a hot case and wouldn't be there til noon but would have food and be able to stay for two days; he couldn't take full vacation but he had reduced his shifts. He would explain that to her, he also wanted to propose again. The message made Sara smile, it would be interesting to take care of Lou's girl; in a way it made her miss her own husband. But he was over teaching in Paris and would soon be coming back. That was a surprise for the lab and she would keep it that way; it would be good for Catherine that way.

She couldn't say though that she was happy it would be another month and a half before he arrived. She was though glad that he would be home to stay; he had a job secured for the fall term at ULV. It would be nice to live with him again, she had gotten used to it and then come back to get their grants sorted out and just got caught up in life; as had he.

A nurse bringing in a tray jerked her from her thoughts. The woman set the tray down and left. Sara stood and moved over to the bed, pulling the tray table in closer and cranking up the head of the bed. She couldn't say that Catherine's food looked good at all. Oatmeal of some sort, some kind of applesauce, maybe and water, and some orange juice that looked thickened. There was no cutlery but a syringe and it actually struck Sara, this wouldn't be like spoon feeding her but rather forcing food into her; even if she was willing.

The expression on Catherine's face though said she wasn't sold on the concept. A folded bib sat on the top corner of the tray and she smirked as she fastened it onto her friend; the glare she earned made her feel better. That was the Catherine she knew, she also knew Catherine was not pleased about having to be fed or not being able to talk.

Taking the syringe she stuck it in the cup of juice and pulled the plunger out to fill it. Catherine closed her eyes and opened her mouth, she instantly felt bad. " Its just for now."

Catherine nodded and Sara stroked down her throat to force her friend to swallow. Slowly she fed Catherine the meal, she managed to do it without spilling very much. Catherine only made a choking sound once and Sara helped her sit forward a little more and kept up the motion on her throat and all was fine. It did scare her a little. She was just folding the bib as the nurse returned.

" All finished?" The woman asked cheerily.

" She ate everything. Is she on a specific diet or just soft foods? Could we bring her some puddings or yogurt or something?" Sara asked, knowing from her own experience that hospital food was gross.

" Of course. No she is not on a specific diet, she just cant handle anything with any texture yet; it all has to be smooth. No rice or tapioca pudding and smooth yogurt is fine; same thing with soups. She cant have any drink though that isn't thickened other than water. Even so the water should really just be to wet her mouth. If she is thirsty we should get something thickened." The nurse explained.

" Alright."

" No problem. She should sit up for a little while to let her food digest but not to long. It is best for her to be lying flat or with the head only slightly raised. We need the sinew holding her organs to be able to recover and heal, the angle of having her sitting up will slow that process. Another nurse will be in in about an hour or so to do the first massage; or guide you through it." The woman corrected, glancing at Sara uncomfortably before letting her gaze linger on Catherine; she could see pity in the stare.

" Okay I will put her head down in a bit." Sara ended the conversation, hoping the nurse would leave; Catherine would not want to be pitied. Taking the hint the nurse took the tray and scampered off; closing the door behind her.

Once in private again Sara pulled the chair right up beside the bed and lowered the tray table to just above Catherine's lap. Setting the note pad and pen on the table she tucked the doctor's notes in her back pocket. It took Catherine a moment to get her hand up to the table but once she did she snagged the pen.

_' Hospital food is nasty. Please ask Lou to get me something good._

_What the heck happened to me? _

_I remember parts of so many different conversations._

_Tell me about the case. '_

Sara smiled as she read the writing, even messy Catherine's handwriting flowed in a way most would envy. Picking up her phone she shot a message off to Lou.

" Message is to Lou, I'm sure he will bring you good food, if not I will go find some when he comes. There has been a lot going on, I don't know what you remember so I'll go through everything. Basically you got here and they had trouble getting you to stay unconscious because of the drugs already in your system. They opened you up and found that knots had been tied in your intestines and used to sort of weave through your other organs displacing everything. From my point of view it looks like a show off 'see what I can do' because he did it all from the laproscopic incision inside your navel and endoscopes. You have tearing anally from that, the doctor explained about your throat. Inside your lungs were two items, a piece of a news paper clipping from when you were making your career and people talked about how you were turning you life around and a ring. I don't quite understand the symbolism. There's one other thing but we will talk about it before the nurse comes back but lets get through everything else first." Sara explained, watching as Catherine had already started writing again.

_' I understand. The symbolism is when I made my career change I began to try to trust people. Especially people I worked with, when I danced I never did. We broke a case because I took part in an experiment that proved guilt and made a man confess; a big part of that was trusting my colleagues not to let me fall and get hurt. The ring represents full circle I told Lou that , he helped me truly learn to trust men again. He made that connection because the circle is one thing and just keeps on going like life changes. I don't get why though and I know you know about Lou and I by now. I'm so sorry I never told you and that you found out through this. What do they have on the case?'  
_As Catherine finished Sara leaned the bed back down. "The case explains it and you are going to hate this. The prints we took from your body and your house agree, and his actions here earlier that caused them to put you into the hard detox prove that Ray is Dr Jekyll. I'm so sorry Catherine but the guys are searching his house now and he is in custody." Sara felt herself tear up as she said the words aloud. Watching Catherine's face crumble made it ten times worse. Slipping under the table she slid onto the bed next to Catherine and wrapped her in a hug. They sat like that for a long time, Catherine slowly regaining her composure.

_' Stay put human comfort is nice._

_There is no question that it is Ray?_

_I cant believe he played us like that, I always thought he was a gentle guy._

_They have him in custody?_

_I want to ask him why me some day._

_What was the last thing I needed to know?'_

Sara sighed sadly, Catherine was hurting but it hadn't really hit her yet; it would though. "Its Ray. There is so little chance of it not being. He is in custody and maybe someday when you are better you can talk to him. For now and the next little while you are going to have to focus on getting better; he made that even harder.

You know the nurse came and said you are going to have to have a type of massage? Well it is to remove the fluid from your uterus that was inserted with an embryo. You're pregnant Catherine and it is very dangerous because you are recovering and the fluid wasn't immediately drained. The nurses get now that you don't want them to touch you so they are going to teach me how to do it. You probably aren't going to be getting out of bed to much for the next nine months if you have the baby." Sara drifted off, a little surprised at Catherine's silence, there were not tears or tensing or even eyes closing; no reaction.

_'I'm pregnant?_

_I turn fifty in three months._

_It was implanted?'_

" Yes you are pregnant. Your age is part of the concern. They are willing to abort if that is what you want . It was implanted; he didn't rape you." Sara reassured him, still waiting for the calm to blow.

'_ In a way he did and for the damage he did no one could ever tell whether he really did or not. No one will ever be able to know what he thought when he looked at me or where he touched me. As long as it isn't his child I can live with it. I will not abort. I may believe in a woman's choice but for myself no abortion. Will they honestly keep me in bed for the next nine months?' _

" I understand what you mean. It is likely that they will and there will probably be things you will need help with for a long time. You cant do any bending, lifting or twisting. Your core needs to heal. I will help you stretch your muscles and with any care you need if you don't want Lou to do it." Sara assured her. For a moment the stillness continued and then tears flowed freely and Catherine leaned her head into Sara's shoulder. Sara tightened her arms around the woman again, being careful not to hold her to tightly. After awhile Catherine composed herself and wrote again.

_'Thank you. I will owe you so much for that but I do not want Lou to take care of me. I barely want him to have to see me like this. It means a lot and someday I will get you back. ' _

There was a long pause and Sara didn't know what to say.

_' I'm sorry for the spot I put you in and what you had to do to me. See of me. But thank you for staying. I just don't ...'_ the pen was still in her hand but Sara could see she didn't know what to put or how to put it.

" Don't. This is what friends are for. This is what friends do, with our job I've seen enough bodies that I block it out; I have the same parts. I am just glad that you are finally sort of okay. Catherine over the years you have been there for me in ways you don't even realize. You taught me a lot, especially about myself through our fights. That changed my life. This is changing yours only someone else forced it and made it public. I realized in the waiting room that you taught me so much but I only ever knew glimpses of the you that wasn't working; I just saw you as the professional. I don't know your past very much, I don't know how you deal with a teenager and a job. But I know I want to because in a way you have been a true friend since I came to Vegas and sometimes the only one who would just tell me what ever it was straight; I didn't always see that as being a friend. I have a lot of respect for you as a leader, as a CSI and as a woman and everything that goes along with that." Sara tried to explain, knowing that some of her words had ended up fitting together awkwardly; but it made the point she meant.

They sat in silence until the nurse came in, Sara felt Catherine's shoulders deflate; this was making everything real again. Sara moved off of the bed and leaned it the rest of the way down. Her mind caught up in the conversation, of sorts, from earlier. There was no way that either of them or anyone in the lab was not going to be effected by this; it would just be Lou and Catherine the most. She just wondered how much it would change things, for some reason it made her think about religion; something she had picked up fro Gil. Shaking her head she was again pulled from her thoughts by another nurse's voice. It always seemed to be a different nurse, she wasn't even sure she had seen the same one twice since Catherine had been moved into the room.

The nurse folded up Catherine's gown without a care in the world for modesty and Sara flinched and saw Catherine do the same; she was instantly glad that this woman wasn't going to touch her friend. She picked up the method for the massage quickly, it took her focus though not to press down and pull the skin down; she had to be careful not to stress the stitches. Catherine winced all the way through and her shoulders slumped as the nurse said it should be done hourly until a good amount of fluid had leaked out. With the help of the nurse Sara got the bed pad positioned under Catherine's hips so the bed wouldn't be soiled. That nurse had just left when another came in to teach them the exercises Catherine would need to do regularly; the two women just shared a look and went with it. In a way if felt good to be doing something other than sitting and waiting, to be learning a way to help; she had a feeling the stretches made Catherine feel better too.


	6. Chapter 6

**So here is another chapter, its cute. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, they make happy. sorry this took so long, it has been hard to figure out how to write it.**

**Disclaimer: I dont own anything**

**Reviews make me smile and if you give me ideas **

Silently Catherine opened her mouth for the last bite, the food was nasty; both taste and texture. Yet she was glad that it was over, Sara had said that Lou would be coming soon. She wanted to see him but didn't want him to have to see her like this; being fed let alone with a syringe. Also she knew he was bringing food for Sara, her friend had barely left her side and she was thankful for her but also worried of the toll it would take.

Sara seemed to understand though, it wasn't that she wanted to be dependent on someone but she wanted to trust the person she had to depend on. The news Sara had given her hurt, almost more than her body. Still it had hurt less coming from her friend than some cold doctor who was used to telling people how messed up their bodies were, or that they were pregnant, or that the pain would fade. Sara had given it straight and offered a hug, she had been there too; by another serial killer.

A part of her was still in denial, wanting to believe that this was all a bad dream that she would wake up and it would be morning. There would be a ring on her finger and Lou would be teasing her, holding her hips above the bed just enough to bug her. He would be just off shift and crazy for her attention. She could roll over and lay her head in the crook of his neck, listen to him tell her all about his day.

The pain in her body wouldn't be so intense, never would have; just that warm dull ache from being with him. Maybe in the fantasy world she would go for coffee with Sara and get to know the past workaholic brunette outside of work, now that she actually took time off. In her fantasy world this would never have happened.

To bad life wasn't a fantasy she thought as pain flickered through her body from the bed being lowered; she seemed to be able to feel every bit of movement in the bed. At least this pain was tolerable, last night had felt like death, or torture leading to it as her head had cleared from the drugs. She was happy the pain medication had kicked in quickly, she had felt no extra pain from the IV being inserted but the wonderful relief it had brought had been amazing. It just hadn't gripped her fully when the doctor decided that the tube could be removed, which she was also thankful for; now she just had to be able to talk.

" Catherine do you want me to do the massage now? Or wait for Lou to get here so he can learn; its going to have to be done until the doctor is satisfied that the fluid is gone." Sara asked her and she shook her head, she did not want Lou to have to see her get that massage, it made everything hurt more even though Sara was careful not to pull on her stitches.

As Sara folded up her gown she felt only a twinge of humiliation. Two days ago if she had even thought about Sara seeing her naked she would have been mortified, would have thought it would ruin their friendship. Yet when she was panicking the only person she could think of that she would trust not to be either offended or to interested was Sara. She knew the brunette would just view it as necessary and be willing to forget it had happened and more concerned about why it needed to be done. Just like now, her friend had listened to the doctors and learned what needed to be done, why and what were the risks.

The reason for this was the biggest thing she was trying to wrap her head around and the risk was infection. Her insides being messed up was one thing, it meant pain, downtime and forced dependence. The fact Ray had done it was painful in another way, and yet she remembered the nights she had spent talking to Lou and convincing herself she had to trust him and believe in his integrity; it hadn't been natural. Both those things hurt but would pass, the pregnancy; granted it would also pass but there would be a child. A child who would be born and would need love and care everyday for years to come; and someday an answer of some sort.

That was what scared her, more than recovering as the baby grew within her or delivery or even people's reactions. She knew those truly loyal to her would be beside her and those who weren't would shy away; she knew Sara would be there and desperately hoped Lou would be. She wondered if he knew yet, that would be an awkward conversation. But she was afraid, she couldn't imagine what she would feel when she held this child, or what it would be like if she couldn't.

Sara finished what she had been doing and straightened up; Catherine heard her back crack loudly. Reaching down she snagged the blankets and tried to fix the gown, she felt a pang of pressure through her body as her shoulder lifted but it was not horrible. She watches the brunette arching her back to try and make it crack again, she knows the stiffness is coming from the hours in that chair. After a moment Sara returned to the chair and Catherine watched her until her eyes became heavy and she drifted off to sleep. Both women were tired as the previous night had not been restful.

She felt a touch ghost her cheek, actually feeling comfortable she tried to twitch away from it. The touch came back and cupped her cheek, opening her eyes she met green ones; she smiled as she felt a sense of safety fall over her. He pushed her hair back from her cheek, she knew how he liked to touch her hair; she liked him to touch it.

" Hey babe, you had a rough night last night? Feeling better now?" He whispered and she nodded; she saw sadness flicker through his eyes. " I'm sorry Cath. I'm not going to leave you again."

She stared at him for a moment, there was a lump in her throat. His hands were gently holding hers and all she wanted was to be anywhere else. " Sweetie are you hurting?"

She heard the concern in his voice and shook her head; yet she knew he would give up. His hands slipped to her sides and gently caressed her; there was no pressure through his hands. " Can I see Cath?"

Shaking her head she reached for his hands. " Why not babe, I want to take care of you. I thought we were going to make the promise for better or for worse? In sickness and in health? Cath I don't care if this is first I meant every word I said Tuesday night. I hate that this happened after, that I wasn't there to protect you. But that doesn't change how I feel; how you make me feel."

Slowly a realization crept over her, she glanced down at her hand wondering had her vivid dream been a fantasy. Her mind couldn't be sure, she tried to focus on the details; to remember him slipping the ring onto her finger. He was silent and tears of frustration began to leak from her eyes; she felt the pads of his thumbs swipe them away.

His soft voice beckoned her into the scene, the dream; it hadn't been she realized. " You were getting ready for your shower, so beautiful standing with your back to the door. Cath, remember? You jumped a mile when I opened it. I gave you a hug and felt all of you against me, and you, you little minx knocked me off balance; but you didn't get turned fast enough. I just about crushed you, but having you so close felt so good.

I sat up but made you stay down, you looked so beautiful there. I loved the white sheets on your bed right then because your hair was everywhere; it looked so soft and red. Your eyes so bright; blue I could get lost in. I made you a promise that night that I had made to myself privately months ago. I'm going to be right by your side. Today and tomorrow and forever.

When you saw that ring I thought you were the most beautiful I have ever seen you. Cath, you looked so stunned, your eyes were so bright and I finally understood something that only made me love you more; respect you more and feel so lucky to have you. I see it everywhere when I think back, but I realized just how much you wanted to be loved, trust and be trusted; you teach everyone around you what it is to be tough and strong and loyal. Yet you barely expect anyone to give it back to you. I want to spend the rest of my life as your safe place; the one you can tell things to, cry to and know that I will never leave.

Baby when I put that ring on you I meant it and I am so sorry he twisted that but you never have to see that ring again. I meant everything I said that night and more; I still mean it right now. Catherine I want to marry you, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

Her breath caught and suddenly she couldn't control her feelings. Everything began to pour out in tears, anger, pain, confusion, joy and excitement, betrayal, love, fear; it was just overwhelming. Things she hadn't been able to feel as Sara had told her what had happened she began to feel but also release. It was horrible and wonderful, the hot tears streaming down her face brought her closer and closer to freedom and to reality. Focusing on his face only brought more tears, his eyes were bright and his smile warm, safe and loving. She felt him take her hand and the kiss he pressed into her palm; she hiccopped trying to stop her tears. But as he slid the ring onto her finger that became impossible; sobs racked her body.

"Catherine Willows I'm never leaving you. Ever." He whispered, closing his hand around hers and pressing his lips to her forehead. Catherine could not control the tears, and she choked for a moment, fighting for air and feeling the effect immediately in her weakened body. She had never felt so happy, so safe or so conflicted.


	7. Chapter 7

Catherine was resting comfortably, Lou was resting his hand against her shoulder and Sara was dozing in the chair. She had smiled a little as she watched Lou try to convince her to go home after eating; he had failed miserably. She had seen Sara visibly perk after the food, it had given her some fight back and secretly Catherine was glad that the brunette turned Lou back; it meant she didn't have to rely on him.

The doctor came in and explained that she wanted to check and see how her recovery was starting. Catherine shifted uncomfortably, she wanted Sara to stay because the brunette could retain all kinds of details and know them for later when she felt like piecing it together or was in trouble; but she still didn't want Lou to see what happened to her. She wasn't naive, she knew he had been told but there was a difference between knowing and seeing; she knew but hadn't seen her stitches yet.

Sara moved closer to the bed to listen and Lou took her hand, intending on staying. Closing her eyes she pulled her hand away, she knew she couldn't look at him; the hurt on his face would make her want to give in. Catherine felt his hand gently rub her neck, something she loved and guilt set in.

She felt Sara squeeze her shoulder and heard the brunette address her detective. " Lou she really doesn't know what is going on with her yet. There are some things that she doesn't want you to see and others that you will react to and it would be better if she already knew about them."

" I don't care what has been done. I'm not leaving her alone, not again and not with someone she doesn't know." He stated, but she felt his eyes on her; he was as torn as she was.

" Lou she loves you and you know her, she wants to look good for you; its hard to look good when you don't feel good. I know your intentions and I know she is happy that you voiced them; this is still a traumatic time. Wait outside and after we can run through what the doctor said and if she wants you to see she will let you." Sara informed him, her voice both gentle and firm; there was no question in what he was to do.

" You're staying?" Catherine heard a sullenness in Lou's voice that cut deep.

" Yes. I am." Sara told him, sitting back on the bed; Catherine inched her hand into the brunettes.

With a sigh he relented and stepped through the door, shutting it behind him. The doctor looked between both women before beginning the exam. Catherine allowed herself to be poked and prodded, dutifully squeezing Sara's hand if it hurt. Sara still didn't let her look down at the stitches but she had a sinking feeling where they ran; she could sort of feel them.

Eventually the doctor decided that the fluid was out of her uterus and that massage didn't have to happen again and the stretches could be spaced out more. She could also talk if she felt up to it but not very much, her vocal cords were still slightly inflamed but not damaged; she would still need help swallowing. It sounded like a good update but still felt depressing, she was not allowed to get out of bed yet, take a shower or go to the bathroom. She was still almost completely dependent.

" It has barely been a day since the surgery, Catherine; give your body time." Sara reassured her, she knew the brunette had seen the tears she had been fighting back. " I do think you should let Lou see. He loves you for more than your body. He loves you, who you are; not what you look like."

Again Catherine nodded, the doctor excused herself, promising to tell Lou to wait a moment. Slowly she reached for the gown, she needed to see; she didn't like the idea of a big scar on her body. Yet it was better to be alive and scared then dead and leaving her daughter all alone. For a moment her mind focused on Lindsay, her daughter should not see her like this.

Sara pulled the gown up for her and folded it above the last stitch, craning her neck up she looked at her skin. She let her head fall back down, the tears that had threatened to spill did. They had cut her open from her navel to between her breasts. The line was straight as an arrow, bright red and swollen with the black stitches cutting a harsh line up her. She may be able to stay in shape but her body wasn't ever going to be beautiful again; at least not for Lou.

" I don't want him to see." Catherine croaked out, feeling the tears burn her cheeks.

" He wont care Catherine. You want to trust him, he wants you to and he is trying really hard. He already said he will stay with you no matter what; just trust him. Give him a chance Cath. He loves you and he knew your body before this and it is going to be a while until you can even consider sex again so don't worry about that now; he will take care of you." Sara reached down and lifted her hand, holding it in front of her face; so she could see the ring.

With a sigh Catherine pulled her hands away, wiped her eyes and motioned for her to let him in; brushing away the hand that was going to put the gown down. He stepped into the room in front of Sara, she stared at him calmly as he took in her body. She held her gaze evenly, challenging him to come closer; her heart was almost waiting for him to walk away.

The door clicked shut and he came to the bed. Gently sitting by her hip he ran his fingers along the stitches ever so lightly and then pulled the gown down.

" This is all you get, leave now if you are going to." She whispered, wanting to know; she would rather the pain now later.

" Baby, I still think you are beautiful and I am not leaving. Now will you let me take care of you?" He put a hand on either side of her cheek.

" A little bit." She whispered, talking did hurt and right now she felt like crying again. He just smiled and then she felt his lips against hers; then just as quick up to her forehead.

" You tell me if I hurt you." He spoke into her cheek as his arms slid around her and gently he moved her into his arms; it was the first time her position had really been changed off her back. She let her head rest against his chest to listen to his heart and felt safe.

It had been a long time since she had truly felt safe, in the arms of a man she didn't suspect of using her or leaving. His heartbeat was loud and steady and reassuring; just like he was. Catherine drifted off into a true sleep for the first time since before the night he proposed; the first time.


	8. Chapter 8

**So I am sorry for the long break between updates but if this one doesnt make up for it I hope the next does; it was really hard to get it to feel right.**

**Thank you soo much for the reviews**

**disclaimer: see first chapter**

"Honestly Sara, why wont she let me take care of her? I understand some things are better to be shared with girls; its just easier. And not to make it awkward but its not as if I haven't seen her body, I love it and she knows that; I don't care about a stupid scar. The scar means she is alive, here with me. She used to like my touch and even now it seems like she still does; just not to help her." Lou asked the brunette as he glanced back at his girl who was finally resting; he had lay with her for awhile but eased her onto her back so as not to disturb her healing.

"You know Catherine and her past. Men have screwed her over time and time again, it is going to be hard for her to have to put full trust in you when she is vulnerable. Her body is sore, she cant take care of herself; she could be used very easily. She knows that, the first night she may not have for the drugs but she is aware and thinking for herself now; the drugs are just keeping her comfortable. Then there is her pride and her independence, I've known her ten years and sure we've fought but I know that she would be there for me no matter what; I will do the same to her." Sara stared at him, he knew she was being hurt by this too, Catherine clearly meant a lot to the brunette. He also knew about their fights, he hadn't quite realized how deep their loyalties ran or how long they had been running; he had to try and see this from a different point of view. Women weren't the same as men, Catherine was feeling things differently and he needed to get it enough to help her; it hurt to be pushed out and he wasn't going to stay out.

"I am not going to hurt her, I understand that I need to prove that to her but I need her to give me the chance. I don't know how to ask for that." He scrubbed his hand through his hair, this was bothering him so much; he wanted to hold her and protect her.

" Just be there. She is trying to but it isn't even ground. You want to help her and she wants your help but she wont be able to take it if you hurt her; she is guarded. You cant blame her. But she is trying, she let you see the stitches and for her that was hard. Catherine knows how to look good, she keeps herself looking good and to the world this doesn't change that; she will get past this and fight back to shape. No one will see the pain of this and she will be tough until it blows over and people begin to forget it happened. She cant do that for you, she wants to be with you but right now she doesn't know how to be able to want you to touch her body; she is bringing herself down. She is only trying to come to terms and keep herself safe. The only person Catherine has ever been able to rely on completely has been Catherine. Right now rather than push into caring for her let me worry about that you take her emotions and learn the painful past; stay where she wants you. Let her ask you to do more. I don't know what else to say." Sara sighed shaking her head and he nodded, glancing back at Catherine and realized she had shifted; Catherine squirmed when she was waking up.

Lou returned to her bedside, part of him was still screaming; he wanted to be let in. The other part just glad to see that Catherine had gotten several hours of sleep. The rest would help her heal, it would make her feel better; an added bonus was how cute she was sleeping.

Letting his weight rest back on the bed he watched her wake slowly, her face shifting until she began to blink. Groggy blue eyes brightened quickly upon seeing he was there. "Hey. Feeling okay?"

She nodded, smiling softly and he leaned in, gently kissing her forehead. After talking to Sara and seeing the pure trust in her face as she woke made him think; made him content to wait. He didn't understand women but if he couldn't take care of his woman he could at least try to understand her a bit more. But he did want privacy to try and learn from her the good and the bad.

Both looked over as Sara came into the room. He immediately noted that Sara had her phone in her hands; he felt a guilty hope settle over him. " I am going to go home for awhile and grab a shower as long as you are feeling good?"

"Get some rest. Thank you." Catherine told the brunette; he was instantly relieved. As Sara got ready to head out Lou celebrated silently;he knew the brunette was probably trying to help him out but really did need the time alone herself.

The brunette left and Lou smiled at Catherine before leaning down to press his lips gently to hers. He looked down and felt his heart swell, blue eyes were bright and happy. " Can I join you?"

She nodded and he helped her shift over and slid in beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He pulled her in against his body, it was good just to be near her and he couldn't stay close long enough. He ran his fingers through red hair as she leaned against his shoulder; he found himself thinking of what Sara had said.

When it came to Catherine he knew her, but only what she wanted him to know; he didn't push to know the hard memories because he hadn't thought it was his place. Now however it was, he needed to know everything about her, to understand what made her hurt, what made her tough he had to know the past that built her. Yet now was not the time he would have chosen to poke it out, he would have rather if none of this had happened.

Pulling the tray table around in front of them he ripped off the sheets from earlier conversations and scrawled his question onto a fresh sheet. By writing his question he knew it made it easier for Cath to write back; rather than try to talk. Even if she had been given the okay from the doctor the little bit he had heard told him that it was still hard for her.

Barely lifting her head from his shoulder she craned to read the words. _' What do you want me to tell Lindsay? She needs to know something soon. It hurts to be kept in the dark, especially when its your mom.' _

He saw no hesitation as she lifted the pen. _' She has to worry enough as it is, seeing me like this wont help. Let me get better and I'll talk to her. It will be easier if she waits.'_

_' No Cath it wont. She is driving herself crazy worrying already. Making her wait longer to know you're okay is not going to help.'_ He wrote below, a little concerned as to why she didn't want to just see her daughter.

_' You told her I'm alright?' _

" Cath, of course I did. I went by her friend's house to talk to her but that doesnt change anything. She wont truly believe that until she sees you. You're her mom. I know you have protected her from a lot and I know you want her to see you as strong but you've given her an image that only makes it harder to imagine you hurt. She wont see you as weak because of this, no one will." He burst out, unintentionally raising his voice.

_' She has seen me struggle to much already. I want to be better when I talk to her. Actually talk, let her see that I am okay. Right now my voice sounds like I am on my deathbed and my body looks the part. That is not going to reassure her that I am okay! Especially if I have to tell her I'm pregnant too.' _She wrote back quickly, he knew her voice really was bothering her because she didn't chew him a new one with her tongue.

" It's going to be a long recovery hon, how long do you think it is fair to make her wait? How long would you want to wait if it was her?" He asked, watching as she retreated into her mind; silence taking hold.

_'__ I wouldn't wait if it was her but you know that is different. She doesn't need to be strong for me again. She has already carried me through her father. For once she needs to be the one to lean. I am her mom, I love her and I know it will hurt her to make her wait. You have no idea how much I want to have her come here just to see her. But that's not fair. She doesn't need to be strong again, not when she almost lost her last parent; she already had to be tough through losing one. For so long we've only had each other.' _She wrote the words but he noted that her eyes were vacant; he realized she had retreated into pain filled memories.

This was the conversation they needed. This would show her that she no longer had only her child; she had him. Silently he thanked Sara for the heads up and the privacy as he entered the conversation that would knit them closer.


	9. Chapter 9

**So I think this was the hardest chapter yet to write. I know some people wanted a Ray pov or Ray/Lou confrontation but I couldnt quite feel I could do it justice; maybe in future. So I tried with this one, hope its liked and though the case is closing this is far from over.**

**Please review... especially on this one. **

**disclaimer: see first chapter**

**happy new year everyone**

As Sara settled into her truck she considered her options. She knew what she should do, go home and take a hot shower before falling into bed to be fresh to go back to the hospital later. Yet that was not what she wanted to do. Making a private deal she sent a quick text to Brass; the fatherly detective would make the decision for her.

From the hospital both home and the precinct were in the same direction and so she headed that way. It felt good to watch traffic and be aware of other drivers as a break from trying to gauge the pain her friend was in and the trauma both physical and mental that was only beginning its assault on her. She felt for Lou, the guy meant well but had a high mountain ahead of him; forging a relationship with a woman who had been burned by men repetitively. As well as win his way into family bonded by pain, the only reason she had given him the insight on how to do it was that she saw how much he cared; he was the one who was truly willing and ready for the long haul. She would be glad to see her friend trust again, to see her truly happy with someone and to see Lindsay finally have a father who loved and cared about her; not using her as a pawn to control her mother. She had forced herself past the pain of the relationship being kept from her.

She stopped at another red light and as if for once deciding to be cooperative her phone buzzed. The decision made she drove straight two blocks before hanging a right at a light and a left quickly after into the precinct parking lot. They were still trying to get something out of Ray; the man they had once called friend had not given an inch.

She navigated the halls easily, slipping into a part of herself that she had not known for years; the only part that she believed had actually come from her parents. Sara let the mask of Sidle fall into place as she pushed open the interrogation room door; she knew she could break this man. She knew how to make a person talk, she knew how to let the woman people knew slip away and the pain of the girl she had been come back to the front. The girl pegged a genius with a strong protective nature and a hatred of violence unless defensive of a loved one had been the diagnosis she had been given after her parents had left and the baby sister got in trouble for running away from her foster home and getting in a fight; the string of fights after had been in defence of 'siblings'.

It had been leaving the system and carving her own path in the world where she could defend people that had made her put down her fists and curb her tongue; it was being able to make a difference. She knew that the mask had only been that, a guard that told people she wanted a family and she would fight for it. When it was tucked away for a more 'adult' life it had stayed away and she had let the teen in herself all but die. Until today, when a threat had come back and there may have been all the evidence in the world but this was to personal; this was family against family. It hit to close to home, it had hit this spot before, it may have been several decades ago but this time it would be different. She would not have to watch in terror this time.

Brass turned to look at her and seemed to realize that she was business; this wasn't the slight slip that used to happen when a rough domestic case came about. This was her locked and loaded but ready to finish it with only her tongue; even the jerk who had not known her to slip seemed to understand today was different.

As her friend stepped by her she felt his hand gently touch her arm, a gentle encouragement that said nail him; even if he used to be our friend. Pulling out the chair she sat, placed her hand on the case file and pulled it to her and very calmly shut it; she wasn't going to nail him with evidence. He was going to confess to every single detail and she knew exactly how to make him do it.

Sara calmly searched guarded brown eyes, looking for the pin hole she needed; that was all it would take. " You know something very interesting? We have only two things in common and the one that means the most has defined us both."

" And what would those two things be?" He asked, she could tell by his tone he thought he was in control and that made her swell inside. He had absolutely no idea how easy this would be for her, her first step would be to air the emotion to make him secure; then she her pin would be in and he would spill.

" First we both knew and cared about Catherine, we knew her and in a way counted her friend; she believed in us and pushed us. We cared about her in two ways, we hated her and fought with her and those things have only slight play in all this but for the sake of not living up to my reputation and destroying it in the same move I will explain it.

At first we both felt we were in a type of competition with her, this lead to a almost hate and then we split. Your hate boiled into something that was so much more and lead you to this room while mine became something different and brought me here.

Your hate became your fantasy and eventually your game. It slowly lead you to experimenting in it to build your confidence and eventually masking your true feelings until you could act out your fantasy. To bad lies are so confusing." Sara glanced down, getting ready to let her emotion, forced though here it would be slide through. He opened his mouth to speak.

" Sara I..." He began and again inside she smiled, he had no idea what he was going against.

" Shut up. I damn well don't care. I don't care about anything you have to say because there is nothing you can say that will change anything and I am not finished yet.

My hate became something very different. It became respect and slowly friendship; it kept me by her side these past days which is something you are very lucky for. That is the first thing we share, the second is something much, much more personal and that is true hatred towards our father and not only him but the whole family we were given.

Don't bother telling me I don't know squat about your father because I don't have to; you told me all I needed to know. First I will tell you about mine.

Mine was the one who taught me about masks, he showed me this one and trust me I used it. I used it in ways that I know you are going to find out. But I have no shame in them. He taught me how to use my tongue, taught me in a way how to fight and beat me into being strongly over protective about those whom I call friend. Growing up I proved that time and time again. But then I said the exact thing you did and I moved past it. Into the person I am now, but I knew better than to truly let that mask die.

If I had today I would not be here and I might not be a CSI. That mask, the mask you are meeting is the part of him; that little bit I inherited. Only thing is I learned how to use it; to make it an asset.

My father made me good at my job, he made me a good friend and a good wife; he taught me who not to be. He made me passionate about the truth and what is right. He taught me how to sit in this room with a person I absolutely despise and not raise my hand." She paused and stared at him hard, she saw far more than a pin hole; she knew where she was going and subconsciously so did he. The silence that Ray Langston gave her told her that he was now afraid.

" The thing is I got past my father, I learned from him who not to be. I said 'who ever I become I know who I will not be. I will be nothing like my father.' The only difference between what you said and what I said is that you added something. You told me you would be the bigger man. Thing is today you proved you aren't and you also are.

You are just like your father, but you are the smaller man. You cannot account for your actions. You would not face a sleeping woman with out a drugs; you would not face any of your victims with out drugs. And truly you slipped so far into your fantasy each time that you don't even truly know what you did." She let a small smile play at her lips as she let the bait fall out; his eyes revealed that he had swallowed up that tidbit laced with poison.

" You are wrong!" He spat. Sara just leaned back, watched him lick his lips, tilted her head slightly and then stood and walked from the room. As the door slid shut the cannon went off, echoing against the sound proof walls of the room and clearly into the little tape recorder; all the details Sara Sidle could not bring herself to hear.

Her fist slammed into the wall and cold relief fell over her and the mask she had known gave way to true emotion; this is why she could not bring herself to use this tool. Her mask though finely tuned brought more pain than the good it gave. Yet today and for just this once it was truly worth it.

The confession she knew to flowing out would hold details that could not be contested. This guaranteed that Catherine would not be forced to face him. Instead her friend could recover and then bring herself the final closure she would need to move past it. This also gave another friend the closure he would need to check his own emotions when he faced a person he too had known as friend.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump, turning she realized it was Brass and suddenly she needed the comfort as she wrapped her arms around him. Sara just let herself cry, she hated that part of herself and yet it had proved its use and now it hurt. It burned to betray a person she had called friend, to provoke him in a way she knew would hurt, that would hurt her were the tables turned, but then it was the right thing to do and it was deserved; it was defence of a true friend.

" Sara we got him, cold. He screamed details at the wall after you left, everything I didn't want to know about the cases. It was good work, I have never seen you interrogate like that. Yet you don't seem okay now." Brass spoke into her shoulder.

"That is what I took away from my father. Its a mask that I've mostly grown out of but when I need it I know how to get it. It just hurts, but Catherine deserved it." She mumbled, now the true exhaustion began to set in; it had been days since she showered or slept.

"You read right into how to push him over the edge; it was good work. I here Catherine is doing okay, not up for visitors for awhile though. I know that you've wormed through that so take her my best. You going home for a bit?" Brass pulled away and looked at her.

"I will and yea I am. I know I can sleep now, its done. Catherine and Lou don't have to face him till they are ready and he is going to pay." Sara felt a true smile play at her lips; things were starting to look up.


	10. Chapter 10

**sorry it took so long, it was hard to figure out where to go, I set my self up for a drop and then got distracted. Anyway here it is, thank you to everyone who reviewed.**

**Reviews are so loved.**

**Disclaimer is in Chapter 1 **

A soft cough woke her, she hadn't realized she had fallen asleep again; every little thing made her feel tired now. But a moment later she realized why she had slept so well and what the noise had been about.

Her head was rested on Lou's shoulder and her man was still sleeping with his arms around her; and one hand in a, though comfortable, rather awkward position. Sara was settling into one of the chairs by her bed. As Catherine looked around she realized that the bed was still tipped up.

Suddenly she remembered why his hand was there and the whole conversation that had lead up to it. Her cheeks flushed and she pulled the covers up to help mask the clear show of affection.

" You know I don't care. How was your alone time?" Sara asked, a grin plastered on her face.

" I think it was good. We needed it. I think I fell asleep on him but I think he needed the sleep too. Whats in the bag? You didn't happen to bring him some food did you?" Catherine asked, eyeing the extra bag beside Sara's chair, there was the usual backpack and then an extra grocery bag. She knew Lou needed to eat, usually he ate like a race horse but in the past four days he had barely left her side since his last shift.

" Yes, among other things. Are you feeling sore? You look stiff." The brunette commented.

" Most likely she is, she hasn't had her oral pain medication in two days; only the drip." A nurse cut in holding out a med cup. " I'll let you take these and bring you some food shortly; we didn't want to wake either of you and your vitals were stable so we left you."

" I have some food for her, it is liquid." Sara told the nurse as she took the med cup and handed it to Catherine. With a nod the nurse was gone and Sara offered her a glass of juice that had thickener in it. Though she found the consistency disgusting it was thinner than what she had been getting and it tasted good. She downed the pills easily, she immediately noticed that she felt stronger; but there was an ache in her stomach.

" I take it you are feeling better? You hungry?" Sara asked, digging through the grocery bag for a moment.

Catherine nodded and she watched as Sara pulled out a pudding cup and a container wrapped in tinfoil.

" I actually cooked, just for you. You wanna feed yourself?" The brunette grinned, setting a spoon on the tray.

Again Catherine nodded, not completely sure that she could, but she would try. After only a few bites she began to struggle to swallow, it was as if her throat didn't want to cooperate; the gurgling cough in her throat got Sara's attention. She closed her eyes as she felt Sara's fingers at her throat and a second later the food was down. Her friend helped her finish the meal but she didn't feel as up beat as she had before; she was still completely dependent on someone else.

After a few minutes Sara toggled the bed control to lay her down, and then grabbed Lou's foot; making the detective jump. He groaned and sat up fast , jarring Catherine. She immediately felt pain flare through her body. A second later he had turned back, realizing what had happened; she almost laughed at how worried he was. She was glad that Lou cared but at the same time she wished he wouldn't look at her as a breakable doll. Once she convinced him she was fine he took off for the bathroom and Sara helped her do her stretches.

The exercises were helping to keep her legs and arms from cramping up and atrophying. Right now she knew there was nothing that could be done about her core; those muscles had been cut and were diminishing quickly. She wouldn't be able to work on them for a long time. As it was she had already been told that the soonest she could hope to leave the hospital was ten days after surgery and even then she would still have to be looked after.

" Are you comfortable Catherine?" Sara asked as she finished the routine.

" I'm pretty good, the pills are starting to kick in." She answered, trying to figure out what she was doing to make Sara worry.

" Then relax your back, you're all tensed up. You've been laying in the same position since you got out of surgery, is it bugging your back?"Catherine hadn't realized she had been trying to keep the pressure off of her back but in truth she may have been. She watched her friend fuss for a moment before her gown was pulled up and the covers down. Suddenly she wanted to touch the stitches, and find out exactly where they were ; she had yet to see more than a glimpse of them.

She let Sara poke at them a bit before her hand crept in closer; Sara immediately stopped her.

"I just want to know where they are and..." She trailed off, not sure how to word it.

With a sigh Sara guided her hand down to the first stitch and up to the last. The skin didn't feel tender anymore and she freed herself from Sara and poked her way back over them, finding the more sensitive spots ; she just started a third pass when Sara stopped her again.

" Catherine they are a lot better than they were, almost all of the swelling is gone and the redness is settling out. They still need a long time to heal, if you poke enough you will hurt your self. They aren't irritated at all so they cant be bugging you, I am thinking it might actually be your back; bedsores can form quickly and it has already been five days. I'm going to roll you and you need to tell me if it hurts." The brunette fixed the gown and Catherine nodded.

She felt her friend's hand under her and then she was rolled onto her side, Catherine felt Sara turn her shoulders and then her hips; she turned her head. She felt the pressure under her spine relax and then a little against her stitches. It didn't hurt but it wasn't the most comfortable either; it felt better than being on her back.

" Cath, I'll be right back. I'm going to find a nurse." Sara told her, something in her friend's voice made her nervous; she didn't want to deal with anything else right now.

A few seconds later she heard Sara explaining to the nurse that her back was red and felt the probing fingers. " I will go get the doctor." The nurse told them without saying anything as to what was going on.

Finally the doctor came in and again touched her back; this time the woman told her something. " Hi Catherine my name is Dena Craiggs I will be overseeing your care and eventually your out patient care. You have the beginning stages of pressure sores."

Catherine felt gentle fingers brush over her shoulders and then her but and finally her heels; it only served to remind her how exposed she was. " The sores come from lying in the same position for a long period of time. In your case the difficulty is we have nothing to compare your healing process to. This isn't a common occurrence. I'm going to get ultra sound equipment in here and we will see if we cant get you up into a wheel chair." The woman moved so that Catherine could see her face.

The doctor was young and pretty, she couldn't help but wonder how long the woman had been working. Yet she had a reassuring smile and Catherine felt safe. She heard a tray roll into the room and the nurse was dismissed; there was slight irritance in the doctor's voice. The tone became reassuring again as Catherine was told that she was going to be rolled and they were taking off the gown.

She lay still watching the screen as best she could as the doctor probed the wand over her stomach, as the wand moved lower Catherine found herself thinking of the baby growing inside of her; she was torn between logic and wishful thinking. " Can you see anything of the baby? Is it to early to tell if it is okay? If there is infection or harm because of this?"

" It is very early, the embryo is not barely a week old. I don't know that I will be able to see anything but I will check, if there is any infection we should be able to find that. The rest will have to be determined as the baby develops." The doctor told her moving the wand even lower, working it around a bit before speaking again. " It is to early to see anything much of the embryo, it will only be a few cells right now but there is no sign of infection. I need to check to see how your body is pulling back down there anyway so I will check for any visible problems but other than that we will have to wait."

Catherine nodded and when told allowed her knees to be lifted and let the doctor continue her exam.

She felt Sara hovering by her shoulder through out, knowing her friend was trying to be understanding and preserve any modesty she had left. The doctor then helped her into a fresh gown and lowered the bed rail.

" Like I said I don't have any study or common case to compare this to so I am going by what your body is telling me. It looks like everything is starting to heal so we are going to get you up into a wheel chair to sit for a bit. It will relieve the pressure on your back and it is another step closer to going home." The doctor told her.

" Can I try walking? Just a little bit?" She pushed, honestly unsure if her body would cooperate for that but she wanted to try.

" Okay how about we walk to the bathroom and back? Your friend and I will support you but if you feel any pain I need you to tell me." The doctor answered hesitantly.

Catherine nodded and Sara moved closer. The doctor showed Sara how to turn her legs and then together they turned her so that she was sitting on the edge of the bed, she felt the change in position. Catherine was glad that they let her sit a moment because she felt the twist in her body and it wasn't pleasant.

Both propped one of their shoulders under hers and pressed their hands onto each others backs; keeping the pressure off of her and making a cradle for her to lean on . Slowly she stood, immediately feeling the lack of use of her legs.

The walk was slow but sitting in the bathroom was rewarding; it felt like a step towards life. She watched as Dena brought the wheel chair to the doorway; they weren't going to let her walk back. It puzzled her that the doctor had stayed, she knew this was the job a nurse would do. She let them help her into the wheel chair and move her back to the bedside.

She watched as the doctor fussed with her charts and Sara made the bed; again she felt useless. When the woman put down the clip board and went for a drawer she began to pay more attention; the blonde had found a brush. She felt the woman move to stand behind her and slowly her hair was pulled back. Catherine knew how gross her hair had to be, it had been more than five days since she had showered, and it didn't seem to bother the doctor what so ever. She recognized the braid as it formed and then was tucked up at the base of her neck and somehow secured; it felt good to have it away from her face. Curiosity finally got the better of her.

" Why are you doing this?" Catherine asked, seeing Sara perk at the question; knowing her friend had probably been wondering the same thing.

" Its my job." Came a quick reply, the doctor immediately pulling away. Just as fast Catherine caught her wrist; feeling the slight pull in her shoulder and was instantly thankful that the woman didn't pull away but just stopped.

" Braiding my hair and helping me walk is not really your job. My sister is a nurse and my job has put me in enough hospitals to know that. Why did you stay after giving me the okay to get up?" Catherine asked again, trying to ignore the disappointment at a gesture so simple being felt right through her; it would have been a decision she'd have regretted if the doctor hadn't known how to react.

" Because four years ago you stayed with my sister and brought her back to me and my family; I will never forget it." Dena answered, a hint of something in her voice that Catherine couldn't place; just as she couldn't place the woman.

Sadly she looked at green eyes, apologizing for not being able to remember. She could not place the woman, there were so many victims and families and right now she just wasn't on the ball; her mind was only half focused on the world as her body was also demanding her attention. The woman just smiled.

" You don't remember and that's okay because it tells me something else; something good. It means you didn't give my sister special treatment, that is just how you handle victims and you cant know what that means to me." The woman paused and Catherine didn't know what to say; she was glad when the young doctor continued. " Three years ago you took a rape case from another CSI. It was active but just not being given any thought; you proved that when you closed that. But you did more than just take the file and close it. You came to my family's home and talked to Kayla, you cared and I don't know if you ever found out but she kept her rapist's child and is raising him and does not regret it. She says it is because someone showed her that every life has value; you showed her that and me that. You had to push to do it and it did hurt; it was hard to know that a friend had done such a thing. We never really saw you again after the trial; didn't get a chance to talk."

Catherine tried to open her mouth but her brain was in shock; she could not remember the case. She knew what to say and as a mother knew how useless the words were; that was why she had come up with her own speeches for victims and families. It wasn't that they were rehearsed, each was slightly tailored to the situation; but it wasn't going out of her way. That was doing her job.

" My sister was suicidal before you took the case, the CSI before didn't care, interviewed her at the hospital and never followed up. She felt used and useless; that no one cared. We knew it was coming and were sort of waiting until the evening you showed up; you came to the house four times and then helped her prepare for court, to hear the trial just outside the doors." Catherine realized that Dena had crouched and taken her hand.

" But that's my job." She finally found words and realized that her voice sounded just as shell shocked as she felt.

" Well it wasn't CSI Carlson's and it gave me back my sister so it meant something to me. I honestly didn't hear your name and ask for your surgery or your file but, well, it was a bit of a daunting one and I just agreed to assist until I got into the operating room and took a peek under the cover. Forgive me for the invasion of privacy but it is a personal policy to know who I am working on; even if it is just their face. It was a bit of a shock to realize who it was but after that when the head surgeon was asking to pass it off I jumped." Green eyes locked with Catherine's and both were silent for a moment.

" I am not technically a surgeon with the hospital, I just volunteer; I am actually part of a emergency response team that is on leave for the next year after two and half years in Iraq trying to help civilians. If you ever figure out who my family is you will understand a bit better. I left shortly after the trial."

The room was still dead silent.

" I also was curious if you don't have a OBGYN for your pregnancy I would continue to monitor it, my sister runs a practice that I can work from; medicine runs in my family. She did truly bounce back because you cared and I would like to prove that we care and we remember; there are probably a lot of people who remember you whom you just don't know about." The doctor squeezed her hand and stood, Catherine stared up at her; still at a loss for words. Her stomach was twisting, she wasn't sure what it was from, she felt guilt and honour and fear and confusion. " I will check in on you later. That's a promise."

Catherine nodded, staring after her silently, she just didn't know what to think. She wished she could remember the case. Sara's voice pulled her back from her thoughts. " I guess that proof of full circle. Our work does change lives, even when it feels like we destroy so many. You kept that family together. Want me to find that case?"


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks to TReid for reviewing. **

" Hey. You look good. Its good to see you out of bed." Lou announced as he came back into the room, she watched him offer Sara a cup of coffee before he leaned down and she felt his lips press against her cheek. When he pulled back she knew he sensed that her mind was somewhere else; she was glad when he didn't call her on it immediately. He had seemed to learn to let some things be, it was if something had finally taught him that she would do her best to tell him everything; she really would especially now that he had proved he could stand through it.

" It feels good to be sitting up." Catherine smiled at him.

" Good. Sara has some news for us. Sorry I took so long I had a message from Brass. They, more specifically Sara, got a confession from Ray. The evidence is still coming through." Lou sat on the bed, his focus now on Sara; she gave the brunette a glance.

" I dropped by after leaving here. This case will go to trial and that confession has the details to make it a slam dunk. I haven't heard all of it and I am not sure I want to. I don't know that you two do either; at least not yet." Sara told them, Catherine tried to fight the hurt that her friend had not told her the moment she walked in; but the pain in Sara's voice made it easier to let go.

" How did you get him to break? Jim was trying for days; ever since they brought him in." Lou asked, she heard the softness in his voice; she wondered what he was thinking.

" I knew what buttons to push. It needed to happen so it happened." Sara replied and she literally saw the walls go up in brown eyes.

" I'm glad you did. Can you please tell us when anything comes through though on the evidence. I cant change what Ray did but I want to know. Especially if I can learn anything about the embr., the baby." Catherine asked, dropping the subject; right now all three of them had different jokers that were close to the surface. Her joker was trust, it had already reared to both Lou and Sara and a part of her hated that.

" I will." Sara promised, meeting her eyes and she saw sincerity there; her friend had proved herself truly trustworthy through all of this.

She nodded with a soft smile, the room falling into a comfortable silence; it felt safe. Catherine watched Sara and Lou, both relaxing in chairs near her. She could tell that though Sara was playing with her phone, likely texting Nick or Greg; shift would be starting soon. Lou was watching her, or more correctly her stomach, she knew what he was thinking; she had been trying not to think about it. Yet she knew that conversation would have to happen soon. Still he was cute, she knew he didn't realize that she was watching him; he would also be a little upset if he knew what she had just thought.

The rest of the evening passed quietly, eventually the doctor came back and an awkward silence hit; she didn't know what to say to the woman. Still Dena seemed to understand and helped her to the bathroom and back to bed; this time with Lou holding under her other arm. The movement felt good but very quickly she began to feel it. It was progress though, each step meant she was closer to going home, going back to a normal life and to taking back her pride.

The thought of taking back her pride, her place made her smile a little bit; it stirred memories of a case a little more than a year ago. Someone had suggested she try undercover work, they could always use another tough woman; it was fitting. She was going to use this just like everything else to make her tougher. Only this would make her stronger in a different way, it already was; she was being bonded closer to Lou and Sara.

Looking up she jerked herself from her thoughts, Lou and the doctor were gone, Sara was still sitting by her bed. She already knew where Lou had gone, glancing out the door confirmed it; he was entitled to his questions and it was nice that he cared. A sudden beeping redirected her attention again.

She watched as Sara answered her phone, and listened to half the conversation; her confusion mounting when Sara offered the phone to her.

" Catherine Marie." Her mother's shill tone almost deafened her. A whole streak of curses ran though her head, if anyone could make this more complicated it was Lily Flynn; a part of the reason that she didn't want Lindsay here yet.

" Mother, where are you?" She demanded, already fairly confident of the location; she was going to chew who ever gave her this number a new one.

" At the lab. I haven't heard from you in a week, although that's not uncommon, but there was no answer at your house; not even Lindsay. You haven't picked up your cell either, and I know that is almost constantly on and attached to your hip. So I tried to call Lindsay and she told me something had happened at work, so I go to the lab and you aren't there working yourself to death and no one will tell me anything. Finally I convinced a fine young man to give me a number to contact someone who would be able to tell me something. What on earth did you do?" Her mother's tone rose a good two octaves forcing Catherine to pull the phone away from her ear so as not to add hearing loss to her list of injuries.

" Who did you harass into giving out Sara's number? And who have you been disturbing?" She countered.

" One of your CSI's, Greg Sanders, you know he is still quite interested in the history of Vegas? I have to send some things in for him one of these days. But that is besides the point, where are you? And where is that supposed boyfriend of yours? I went by the station to see if I could find him and your friend Jim told me he was on holidays. You need to choose your men better Catherine, or at teach them some standards; really he is away and you are unreachable." The rant picked up right where she had cut it off with just as much volume. She was instantly glad that Lou was still in the hall and angry at her mother's assumption.

" Lou is here with me, he took holidays so that he can take care of me. I am in the hospital and you need to go home and leave my coworkers alone. That includes Greg, no matter how interested he is in anything." Catherine snapped right back at the little phone, feeling herself tensing up.

" How long have you been in the hospital? Why doesn't Lindsay know what is going on? What happened ? Have you told your daughter anything? Why didn't you call me?" The questioning began and her shoulders slumped; this was why she hadn't notified her family.

" I've been in the hospital a week and you don't need to know which one or come visit. You can go home and go find something to do with your girls. Lindsay knows what happened and she is staying with a friend, I love my daughter and my supposed boyfriend was kind enough to go over and spell it out for her. She was probably trying to do me a favour by not telling you anything because you love to get right into the middle of things. This is something you need to stay out of." Catherine finished hard, knowing to Sara she probably sounded cruel, but still remembering just how good her mother was at getting in the middle of things and stressing everyone out. Most of the time the woman didn't really care what she was doing, except when she wanted to stay with her. That had been helpful for a while but hearing about her mother's glory days and how wrong her life was all the time was not. There was a good reason she had distanced herself from her mother, and her sister.

" Catherine, that is not right, or fair if you are hurting you need your family around you,and so does your child. It just isn't right, and I know you hate hospitals, you always have; tell me where you are and I will bring you home." The tone softened somewhat but she knew better; her mother was famous for that.

" You'll be here, like you were when Lindsay was born? Half drunk. Or when I had to stay in the hospital because I got bit; you scared Lindsay to death. Go home and make plans with your girls. I will call you when I can deal with the stress; right now I don't need you to create any more for me thanks. Bye Mother, and I mean it." She flipped the phone shut, taking deep breaths to calm her temper. Deep down she knew her mother tried hard and meant well; but at the same time she knew the agenda. In truth she had never been planned onto it; from the start she had been an accident. Actually more of a problem, proof of an affair with a combination of both parties tough stubborn attitudes; she had never really been able to see eye to eye with her mother. That had only gotten worse once she found out for sure that she was proof of her mother's infidelity.

" Are you okay?" She turned and realized Sara was watching her attempt to crush the cell phone in her fist.

" Yeah I'm okay. My mother just gets under my skin in a lot of ways. Sorry you had to hear that." She mumbled quietly, handing back the phone before she managed to do it too much damage.

" I think she means well. But she does stress you out, and has managed to stress most of the lab as well. Greg seems to be very good at handling all types of women, and ages too."Sara smirked, and Catherine found herself smiling a bit.

" Yes he does, I just wish he had found a different way to deal with her, one where I didn't have to deal with her. She will call you again, no doubt." Catherine sighed, knowing her mother could be incredibly persistent.

" I can handle that. You know she does make a good point though. I think the hospital does stress you out, you would rest better at home. Hopefully they will give you an idea of when you can go home soon." Sara encouraged her, she could see that the brunette was checking for messages that may have come during the call.

" Soon. But not that soon. The minimum you are going to be allowed to get away with is ten days. Which means five more days here, and that's only because you are lucky and your doctor is awesome. There is also a lot of conditions with it." Lou put in, coming back into the room and closing the door.

" What are the conditions?" She asked, a little bit excited; it seemed like all progress was starting at once.

" Sara and I both have to stay with you. Tomorrow you have to have some testing done, your blood work is showing something funny; but its not a big deal. They think your body is still a bit shocked from chemical overload. Sara or I have to learn some stuff about your bandages and things. You have to stay on bed rest at home until you get permission to start light exercise; which is classified as walking. Nothing remotely strenuous for a long time. Those are the main ones, there are a few others." He answered coming to sit on the bed, nudging her knees over; she was glad he wanted to be close to her.

" What is it with my blood work that is not a big deal?" She asked, knowing that if it was important he would have already told her; she wanted to know anyway.

" Your blood sugar isn't regulating as much as they would like it too but most likely it will pass. They think it is just thrown off by all the drugs being metabolized but not a whole lot of food. The minor concern though is that because of the pregnancy it may not regulate its self again for awhile. They will do some tests for it tomorrow. Its not a big deal, all they will do is start testing your sugar regularly. The tests tomorrow are sort of like a physical; just checking what is happening." He explained to them, she knew he was trying too keep worry out of his voice; his eyes always told more than his words.

" So just like diabetes, that happens sometimes during pregnancy anyway; its not uncommon and easy to treat. They will just put you on insulin, probably going into your thigh." Sara put in, of course knowing a bit about it; her friend was so much like Gil at times in knowing a little bit of everything.

" It could also be from the fact that I've been half living off of sugar. Pudding and hospital mush is probably not the most healthy stuff. At least they caught it fast." She closed the discussion, her health was talked about more than enough as it was.

" So the doctor will be in tomorrow?" Sara asked glancing at Lou; Catherine looked at both of them wondering where her friend was going with that. He nodded and Sara continued. " For now do you want me to pick up what ever we need to get for taking care of Cath?"

She appreciated that Sara had opened the question up to both of them. Although that also made it hard. Lou had made it very clear, very gently, that he wanted to take care of her; she knew he would want to do this. Still she would in some ways feel better in having Sara do it; but in others she would rather it was Lou. She was glad when he answered.

" I think it might be best if you learned, you probably understand some things better; you are also better at details than me. Eventually though I would like to help, if you are okay with that Cath?" He replied softly, his letting go made her feel better.

" I make no promises to be cooperative. Sara knows quite well from all our fights that I can fight dirty. And I do appreciate everything you guys are doing for me." She started to explain but was silenced by Lou's finger.

" We know Cath, you are tough and you look out for yourself; you don't do dependent well. I don't think either of us do either. We know that and trust me if you give me to much crap I will give it right back." Sara piped up with a grin on her face.

She found herself smiling as conversation died again with that, Sara excused herself to go to the lab and Lou shifted to wrap his arms around her. Catherine leaned her head on his chest and slipped into her thoughts; there was one conversation she wanted to have before Sara came back, she just had to figure out what to say.


	12. Chapter 12

**One conversation people have been waiting for :) more on it to come, as well as Catherine's POV. It just seems early, no baby bump yet.**

He still couldn't believe he had slept almost two days, that only proved how worried he had been earlier; his body had crashed upon holding her close. Yet now he was back in that bed, sitting in the same position with a gorgeous redhead curled up with him and possibly starting to do the same thing again. He understood though that for Catherine it was different, her body needed the rest. And he would never protest having her close, he liked it when she rested her head on his shoulder; it was one little sign that she trusted him.

It had been so good to come back and see her sitting up, he knew she took it as a step towards independence but for him it was a sign that he was going to really get her back. There had been a slight doubt, he wasn't proud of it but it had been there; he had feared that this would be too much. He saw it all the time, people never considered after the case; that those hurt don't always bounce back. Catherine was a fighter, strong, determined and independent; he found it beautiful. But what was more endearing was when she was vulnerable, she knew she was tough and she portrayed that part of herself so much he wondered if she sometimes forgot about how to be soft. It was when she needed him, when she first woke up and smiled while she stretched and those little things that made her light up that he didn't get to see often enough. He knew why she hid them though, they opened her up to be hurt.

He knew that on deep levels what Ray had done had hurt her but he could also see that she was really trying to open up to him. As much as he wanted to kick himself for not being able to stay that night he understood the urgency he had felt to see her before work that evening. He wished he had stayed, but then there were no guarantees that that would have made anything better; it would only eat him to think it. No what mattered now was moving on, helping her to adjust and move past; build their life together with a little one.

That was going to be interesting, he wanted to talk to her about it. He had asked the doctor but had been told from the medical point the only way to have anything to do with it now was to abort it and get all the answers; for now it was just the emotional and mental points that they could try to digest. He wanted to know what she thought about it, how to show her he would be there for her all the way. To prove that he knew her well enough to know what she wanted and that he would support it; even if she did surprise him.

Glancing down he found she was watching him, he smiled and slipped an arm around her; still watching carefully for pain. He regretted earlier when he had woken up and knocked her around, she was in enough pain to begin with; he wanted to hold her but hated to hurt her. There was a fine line, and she would undoubtedly try to play tough and not let it show if anything hurt. He squeezed her shoulder a little, telling her he liked her close; he loved that every now and then they could communicate without words.

" Hey." She mumbled, tilting her jaw up to rest so that she was meeting his eyes; he smiled a little.

" How do you feel?" Lou asked, bending to kiss her forehead, grinning inside when her eyes closed for a second; she wanted his touch.

" Good, it was wonderful to get out of this bed for a bit; I will be looking forward to going home." She smiled at that, he felt her hand creep onto his chest so it was resting above his heart.

" I have an idea for that. If you are okay with it. I would like to move in with you and Lindsay. I know Sara will be staying for a while but there would be room. Sara could take the guest room and if you aren't ready to share a bed again I can take the couch. I want us to live together; I don't want you to have to be alone through this." He explained, trying to be careful with each of his words; not wanting to overstep or make her feel forced.

" That would be nice, I like sharing a bed with you. It isn't too much trouble?" She sighed and he relaxed, one hard topic down; a couple more to go.

" No, it has been quietly on the market for awhile. I wanted to get a new house with you at some point so I had it appraised and put up quietly; I will just change that with the realtor and pack what is left up. You need to be at home though to recover." He explained quickly, seeing slight confusion in her eyes.

" That would be nice. I hope Sara will only need to stay a few days but you don't need to sleep on the couch; it should be released so sometime you should take some things over." She told him, he knew what she meant.

" I will talk to Sara and take a day to move my stuff before you get released; maybe tomorrow after the tests are done. It wont take long." He reassured her, there was no way on earth he was leaving her alone for that .

" Okay." She nodded, then her cheeks flushed a little. " Could you rub my back? Its not stiff but it feels.. I don't know anymore, everything feels weird."

" Of course." He was more than glad to touch her; he always had been. Rubbing his palm over her back he understood why she blushed, when he found the spot she breathed out and arched into his hand; it was rather low. Once she was satisfied he let his hand roam to rest on her hip, a little apprehensive knowing some of the details; she didn't seem to though.

For a moment they were silent, he had a feeling that there was one topic on both of their minds. When her hand came to rest on top of his he already knew it, he let his hand slide around until it came in contact with her stitches; he was happy that he didn't feel any reaction. He wasn't happy that she had to have them but they didn't not bother him in any sense other than just making him feel sorry; he knew they made her self conscious.

She pushed his hand a little farther and lower, of course she had already had a child and was a scientist; she would know where the bump would be. " Are you okay with this?"

Her voice was so soft he could barely hear it, but caught each word. " Can I paint the nursery soft tones of orange and blue whether it is a girl or a boy?"

Her eyes widened and he smiled. " I am dead serious about that, but if it will drive you nuts we can compromise." He reiterated before leaning in to nuzzle her cheek before kissing her carefully; this was important. " Catherine I know you well enough, at least I think I do to know you want to keep it." He barely got the word out before she nodded. " Thought so and in all seriousness I support that as long as it doesn't come to interfere with whether or not I get to keep you."

" But I'm old to be pregnant and I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to be saddled with a teenager when we are in our sixties." She interrupted before he silenced her with a finger to her lips.

" Listen to me. I want to be with you no matter what. I know I don't know everything you have had to deal with, and I know there are going to be somethings I cant understand; but I at least want to try. I love you and who am I to complain if I get so lucky as to take care of you pregnant and raise a child with you. If the kid is a brat teenager and I'm in my sixties I had still better be able to put him or her in their place; and if I cant I have seen how you can make those boys jump.

I want you, I think you are beautiful and there is nothing that will ever change that. Trust me this week has been enough to prove that I want to get enough of you while I can because I cant stand to lose you; especially not with out proving how important you are. I knew I loved you that night but I had never thought about how much I would miss you if I couldn't have you near me." He whispered, seeing tears well up in her eyes; still he felt her hand clench a little bit over their barely existent baby.

" Catherine, listen close. As far as I am concerned this, this child is ours; I don't even know that they ever really need to know that they aren't. If they do they don't need to know how they came to be ours unless you want to tell them and you know he or she will understand. But that is for you, and you only to decide." He finished and gently wiped away her tears, crystal blue eyes were locked on his; he knew if he told her she looked beautiful it would not make her happy but he was free to think it.

" That means a lot Lou. It really does and I know you mean it. I just, right now I don't know what to say. I didn't know if, because we hadn't talked about it." She fumbled and he smiled before silencing her with his lips. He didn't blame her for any doubts she had, it wasn't like men had been lining up to show her what love was or what marriage could be; what theirs was going to be.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks for the reviews, they keep me going... please keep them coming.**

**The little catches will explain themselves; this one has been running through my head for a long time. Project sunflower is from season 6 episode 6( Catherine gets in a fight again)**

Catherine found herself grinning like a fool as she drifted to sleep. Lou had crawled out of her bed, helping her to lay on her side with a pillow behind her back. He was still right beside her and his words flitted through her mind. She knew his promises were real, he meant everything he said and the adorable thing was he would do anything he needed to prove it to her; already was.

He was sitting in the hospital chair, and seemed to plan to be there all night. She yawned and closed her eyes, feeling his hand flutter over her forehead; brushing back the unruly bangs that had to hang their way. This was almost as good as if he could snuggle in behind her, at home he would be her support at night. The idea of having him close when she was hurting was becoming reassuring rather than frightening.

Later she woke when she heard voices out side her room, realizing it was Lou talking to someone; not a nurse. Listening carefully she realized it was Greg, her spiky haired colleague. She was relieved to see that the door was shut, that meant he may not have seen her; right now she was all covered anyway. She couldn't quite get what the topic of their conversation was.

Slowly she tried to turn, but the sudden burn made her whimper; twisting her torso hurt like crazy. Sadly she settled in to wait for Lou to come back, she hoped he would tell her everything. It seemed like a very long time before he slipped back into the room.

"Hey, I didn't wake you up did I?" Lou asked, moving around the bed and helping her to lay on her back.

"I don't know. What did Greg want?" Catherine cut to the chase, she was curious; she knew that was also why Greg came by. It was strange to only see Sara for so long; usually the longest she went with out seeing them was a weekend at most.

" They have all the evidence processed and its closed. There was evidence enough without the testimony. Greg has some results from the house and everything; they found documents encrypted on his computer." Lou held her hands, she knew he needed to say something; but he didn't want to.

" They found out how he got the embryo. Its another connection to a old case you worked. Project Sunflower, he said Nick told him that you were, um..." He paused again and she understood it.

" I don't see eye to eye with the director. I guess I have a difference of opinion. Basically fertility clinics freeze to many embryos and Sunflower places them in available wombs to be born and then adopted. I don't agree with the leftover thing, they could be used for stem cell research. I met with Dr Ryan, the woman who runs the Vegas chapter years ago. Sara worked with me on that case, I do remember that one." Catherine sighed.

" Yea, well he fabricated your application through getting personal information from running your prints; when he was still learning to use the equipment. He planned a long time. And the Project has changed hands, somebody new runs it now; Dr Callan. " Lou explained softly.

" Nice, so I guess this defeats my pro choice opinion. I thought there had to be a intake interview and some kind of screening? The Dr I spoke to explained it to me before I ticked her off; almost got a complaint for that one. Can I see the application? What he put down? Who the baby's parents are?" She asked, trying to sort out a feeling that tingled through her; she wasn't sure on that.

" Tomorrow. A representative is going to come out and settle this, hopefully it wont be your friend. They will give us all the answers, Greg made sure to tell them we need all the paperwork that would have been given to Ray when he applied for you. He applied using his degree as your doctor. They will have more details." He sighed, and she could see that he was tired. The clock told her that Greg had come at the beginning of shift but it was still late; Lou needed rest.

" Okay. We can sort it out in the morning. Tomorrow will be busy." She reassured him.

" I know. You have your tests first thing and then the Sunflower person is coming after lunch. I will stay with you and move a different day; we need to close up everything with the..." He continued and she smiled before cutting him off.

" No Lou. You go and move after the doctor is finished. I want to straighten this out myself. We need the closure but I have to know if I can do this. Sunflower gets unused embryos, some because they are extra but others because couples cant conceive. If we have a embryo from a couple who tried to have a baby and couldn't then I don't know. I know I don't agree with them but. Really I just don't know; I want some of my own answers." She trailed off, she really didn't know. Catherine had been blessed with Lindsay, she knew that; she was thankful for that. For so long she had worked hard to take care of her baby, it was wonderful and so worth it. It was a gift that was hard at times but amazing and an honour. She was truly thankful, she couldn't imagine wanting a child and not being able to. If that was the case, this baby came from a couple that just couldn't; this wouldn't be fair.

" Cath, don't shut me out. You aren't going to have to do it alone this time. I don't want you to be on your own. If the paper work is all in order, you will still have the right to have and raise the baby; that's the motto. You would just have to agree and actually sign the papers. Its identity fraud." She smiled, it was a good thing they both knew the law; kept things interesting.

"I know I wont be alone but I need to know who the baby will be. This is something I need to deal with. I don't want you or Sara there. I want you to move so that when I go home I will have you right there." She smiled, squeezing his hands.

" Fine. I will move in. I am staying till the doctor is done though." He relented, gently kissing her forehead; she loved that feeling.

" You said they got all the evidence processed. What all did they have?" Catherine reached for his neck, his smile told her she was going to get her way. He lifted her body over before sinking down beside her, she slid her hands down his back to pull him close; she missed him falling asleep on her.

" No Cat, I'm to heavy. I don't know, it is all science stuff." He replied, as she let him slide under the blankets; then pulling him close again.

" Science stuff is sort of what the lab is for; I'll get Sara to explain it to me." Catherine pulled on his hips, trying to get the feeling of him she missed; it was a reminder of home and normal times.

" Good idea. That is still no. I cant baby, I never even mean to when we do it at home; if I lay on you I could mess something up. I need you to get better." She stared hard into green eyes, letting her hand roam and trying to explain what she wanted without words; men were incredibly dense at times. Her hand crept close to a particular part of his anatomy and her name came out in a rather strangled tone.

" I don't want that Lou, I miss it though; I need you close." She told him firmly and he finally gave in. She felt his hips against her side and some of his weight on her side; she snuggled her face into the crook of his neck. It felt so good to be in his arms in the truest sense, his hands were not idle either; making her feel good again too. He stroked up and down her sides lightly and she shivered; they settled on her hips.

As his breathing evened she lay awake, this felt right. It wasn't like being cradled like a doll or hugged when he was afraid of breaking her. No, it was him holding her the way she had coaxed him to confess was his favourite. She felt his lips on her neck for a moment, his face was buried in the far side of her neck and her hair. His body half way over her and his hips pressed against her right one; his hands settling just a little lower than she would let him if she didn't really miss his touch.

For a long time Catherine lay awake, feeling his heart beating against her and his breath warm on her neck. This was different, before he never worried of hurting her, they teased each other in the privacy of their rooms, he would wrestle with her, love her in the truest way and fall asleep holding her; their bodies lined up. She hoped as she healed he would do that again, that once they were home he would hold her every night.

She couldn't help but think of the ring on her finger, she knew he would follow through; it would not be a chapel after he got her hammered. It would be planned, she wanted it before she got big with the baby but then she didn't want a lot of people there either. She wanted to be able to love him after too, and to really celebrate it; to dress up for him. She wanted her new beginning, the beginning of a life with a man who would treasure her and be faithful, to be special. To be perfect.


	14. Chapter 14

**Still coming, one more chapter in the hospital then home and we will see where it is going. This one is for all those who wanted Catherine to let Lou in. Established adult and intimate relationship ( seeing as they are engaged) implied.**

She woke trying to shake the feeling from her neck, it took her a moment to realize what it was. Turning her head she leaned into his, she made it hard for him to nibble on the spot that tickled her. A moment later she regretted that as he simply started to suck on it.

" Hey." She smiled at him, waiting to see his face.

" Hey, you taste good; its truly you and none of that crap you put on to smell better." He lifted his face and smacked his shoulder.

" Not funny. I haven't showered in forever; that's gross." She groaned, trying not to roll her eyes, he would bring that up.

"No, I would argue that. I prefer this." He grinned at her, she saw the twinkle in his eyes that meant trouble; before he ducked his head back to her neck.

" No, stop . Lou don't start something you cant finish." She grinned as he sighed, she had pulled the joker; they both knew where kisses usually led. She wanted that, he was the one man she knew would be gentle with her, but she didn't trust her body. They had to wait, she wouldn't have a problem with that, he on the other hand would.

" Not fair woman. Who said I can only enjoy your body when I'm going to make love to you? That is going to have to change because I want to have you all the time; and not always every part of you. But the doctor will be here soon so I wont embarrass you; I'll have you later." He whispered, his lips right next to her ear; she knew he was playing now too. Before he pulled away he nipped the spot just behind her ear; she shivered involuntarily.

" You're sure on that?" She stirred the pot just a little more.

" Oh I'm very sure, but I better get up." His hand slid up her body to cup her;making her gasp. Then he pushed off the bed, and sat up. " That was for last night."

Catherine smiled, admitting both defeat and her addiction to his touch. There was joy swelling inside her, the way he touched her reassured her that he still wanted her and thought her beautiful; it was good to see how his eyes had darkened with lust. There was no faking that look, but the fact she was getting it not having boundaries pushed was incredible.

"You've been deprived for a while haven't you?" She grinned at him.

" Yes I have. But for everyday I have to wait I am going to collect once your better." He promised and she saw his eyes darken a little more, her gaze dropped just to check; the way he was standing would hid anything.

" I will look forward to that. Can you help me to the bathroom?" She gave up, this was good but she wanted to move; preferably with his help and not some one she didn't know.

" Let me ask the nurse." He told her slipping away quickly, being the good boy; exactly what she had hoped to avoid. Seconds later though he was back. " I can help you to the bathroom and into your chair as long as I can carry you if needed."

She rolled her eyes when he winked; they both knew that he was fully capable of carrying her. " I don't have to wait in the bed for the exam?"

"No, she said I could get you into the wheel chair."He told her, closing the door before coming to help her sit up.

Catherine nodded before letting him help her sit on the edge of the bed; she still felt the twist to sit a lot; it was not a pleasant thing. He was gentle though, his hands on her shoulders he helped her to stand. Once on her feet she let out a deep breath before starting the slow process of getting to the bathroom; leaning heavily on Lou.

She was thankful that he was strong, his hands on her back promised her she wouldn't fall; she had no fear of that. It was also sweet that he was holding her gown shut at the back; even though the door was closed. They got to the bathroom and he heated a cloth for her face.

" Can you untie the gown?" She asked, trying to take deep breaths.

" Cath, do you think you should wait for the doctor?" He hesitated.

" No you go ahead, I will go do my round and come back. It would be good for her to be washed; it will make her feel better." A voice on the other side of the door made them both jump; they had missed the door opening and closing; as she left though Catherine heard the soft click.

"Please Lou, you might like me sweaty but I feel gross. I have to meet this woman from Sunflower in the hospital, in an ugly gown; I will at least be clean." She tried to coax him, feeling his hesitation.

" I know. Are you going to let me do this for you at home?" He asked, still hesitant but working slowly on the knot.

" If I have to have the help." She sighed softly, she didn't want to; she didn't want to have anyone help her shower.

" No shutting me down and you have to tell me if something hurts okay?" He pulled the gown off her and crouched in front of her; she nodded looking into his eyes. " Okay Cath, I know you don't want the help and I am going to suck but please give me a chance."

" I will." She whispered, she could feel her eyes watering; she was sitting on the pot like a naked fool and he wasn't worried that this was to needy. No he was worried about hurting her, as humiliating as this was he was being sweet.

She did give him credit, he was gentle and careful, he seemed to get the concept of actually washing with both soap and water. And she did feel much better to be clean, he gave her stitches a wide berth but it was okay. Helping her stand holding onto the rail on the wall he dried off her back and kissed the back of her neck. She liked standing holding the wall but it took more effort. Once he got her into a gown she was ready to get to the chair.

He helped her out of the bathroom and closed that door; making her stand just holding his arm; every little bit of independence felt good. But rather than moving back to stand in front of her he slipped behind her and scooped her up. Catherine groaned at him, but also knew that she might not have been able to walk to the chair; he just smiled and kissed her cheek.

Once she had been deposited in the chair she caught his face and kissed him on the lips; he was making her love him more every minute.

"Does that mean you are going to be good? Not give the doctor any trouble?" He asked pulling away and this time she did roll her eyes.

Catherine wasn't planning on giving the doctor trouble; she was though going to try and find out more about the woman. She knew Sara would find that case for her, if anyone could it would be the ex-workaholic brunette; but she wanted to remember it on her own.

When he started untwisting her braid she smiled; most of her curls had slipped loose but the fact he thought to take some time with it was sweet. It felt good to have her hair brushed out, he brushed it down around her face before pulling it back and up into a surprisingly good pony tail; all her hair was back and up even if he did tie it very tight. She heard him fumbling with something behind her and then he carefully caught her bangs and twisted them back and pinned them; only stabbing her with the bobby pin once.

He stepped around in front of her and she started to open her mouth when he took both her hands and studied her a moment. Confused she waited. " I know you can put yourself together better but its a decent job and I think you look beautiful."

" Thank you. I do love you Lou; I'm sorry we have to deal with this." She whispered, this was the exact opposite of the man she knew from work; sweet and caring rather than the rough and tough detective she liked to tease. It was a good side too see, outside the bedroom and without sex.

" I love you too, and I'm sorry this happened but I'm not sorry to be here for you; I kind of like dressing you up. But for your own sanity I don't think I should try your makeup at any point." He gently brushed a hand against her cheek, his words making her laugh.

" I agree but I feel good." She told him, still grinning.

" Good." He mumbled, bringing the chair from the bedside over to sit it as close to her as possible.

The doctor returned a few minutes later and Lou held her hand while everything was poked, he helped her stand to let the doctor finish and then settled her right back down. That was all routine, it had happened several times already. Once the doctor drew blood she fished a little box from her pocket.

"Alright Catherine so I know you know a little bit about diabetes and blood sugar but I have to explain everything anyway; so bear with me." Dena explained, Lou moving to sit on the bed so the doctor could have his chair; Catherine could tell he was still listening closely though.

" So sometimes the body cant produce enough insulin to maintain a constant blood sugar and this can be dangerous. Some people are born with it and some people develop it; your record show there is history of adult onset in your mothers family. The trauma your body sustained coupled with pregnancy, which has been known to cause diabetes as the fetus grows, has thrown your blood sugars out. We noticed it the first night after your surgery but that is common; it has been persisting. Right now we just want to monitor the fluctuation to see if your body is getting back on track and how long it might need."

" So this is just a temporary thing?" Catherine asked, a little worried; she knew diabetes wasn't a big deal but she didn't like the idea of having to deal with insulin.

" We cant say. It could be your body is just so stressed and trying to recover that your blood sugar isn't stabilizing, it is early for it to be the pregnancy but that could prolong it. Or it could be that there was to much trauma to the pancreas and it cant keep up. Right now we just want to monitor it so we know. There is nothing definitive. For two weeks we will track your blood sugars and then review them with you and make a decision. It could be nothing." The doctor told her, she knew the woman was trying to be kind but it hurt; nothing was right with her.

"Catherine, you can use this kit, test your sugar three times daily and take the kit home; make sure you record them. If it is lower than four star it and eat something." The doctor told them as her pager went off; glancing at it she set the kit down and slipped away.

As the door closed she glanced at Lou and then at the kit in her lap, she knew how it worked but really didn't want to use it. Slowly he moved towards her, taking back his chair and slowly opening the kit. He set it up and opened the date pad; writing down the date and time. The little machine beeped, showing a flashing blood drop; she offered him her hand.

Catherine felt the prick and Lou took the drop; the machine beeped again. He wrote it down and she watched him set the kit aside. "I'm going to go move my stuff and talk to the realtor. I will come back before supper at the latest; promise."


	15. Chapter 15

**So Lou's POV, it doesnt seem like it fits but trust me... it will.**

**As for when will it all set in for Catherine just wait. There will be a trigger and it is coming. She will start thinking about it soon but before I hear that is not enough you will have a taste next chapter but once she is home ( thinking the one after) you'll get it.**

**Reviews are loved... they make me want to write more ( special thanks to jstapny... you drive me crazy... but it makes me want to write more to make it fit)Thanks to everyone who reviewed**

He slipped into his apartment building, and headed for the superintendent's office; the man also owned the building. Lou was glad when the man told him this would be considered notice; he needed to be out by the end of the month. Taking the stairs up he began to think about packing, he had offered his furniture to the man for a thousand dollars; it was a deal but made life simpler.

Starting from the back he worked his way through the house packing up everything, discovering some boxes that had never been unpacked when he came back to Vegas a decade ago. He separated out things that could be sent to Good Will or chucked. Catherine's house was fully furnished so there were some things he didn't need.

It took him most of the morning and a trip out to get more boxes before he was done. Only two trips with the truck to get everything over to Catherine's. Stacking all the boxes along the one wall he considered being done and going back to Catherine, sadly though that wasn't what she wanted; he had to respect that. She was finally opening up and letting him in, although he knew that may have happened partially because Sara had gone awol; the crime lab could barely keep up as was, it would be a zoo with out two CSIs. That and Brass texted him that Sara's leave hadn't been approved, his had as PD was not as tight; it would be good training for the rookies.

Dragging his boxes for the bedroom and bathroom upstairs, the interesting part was going to be putting stuff away. Setting stuff on the floor he realized someone had been through to clean; Sara had dusted the wall and the bed but all the powder was gone. Opening the closet he made room for his things and then moved on to the dresser.

Opening the top drawer he had to suck in a breath, he had seen most of those things. Lou was no stranger to her clothes, he had taken plenty off of her and she had teased him with even more; he always enjoyed her shows.

Moving on to look through the next drawers he considered whether or not to get her some clothes; in four days she could come home. She would need to be comfortable, plus there was still laundry from before when she, before it had happened. Things he needed to do to take care of his wife, to be; he had to remember the things women appreciated.

It had been a long time and even then his ex wife, well she hadn't wanted a husband, or for that matter a child; just arm candy. He wanted it to be different this time, this time he knew he was in love and he wanted it to be a relationship; that took work and effort. He had to consider her needs, no, he wanted to.

Cautiously he took a overnight bag off the shelf in the closet and picked out a couple outfits. Setting it by the bedroom door he began to reorder the closet and dresser to fit his clothes too. It was nice but strange to try and think of this as their room; not Cat's.

Moving through the house he put his things away, mixing his belongings with hers and teaching himself to think of this place as home. The things that didn't have a place he put in the basement; they could go through them together and decide what to keep.

As he went back up the stairs he found himself pausing to look at the photos. They were of Catherine and Lindsay, all through the years. Some of Catherine when she was young, one of her highschool graduation and college. Catherine's physical beauty shone in those photos, she still had it today; but that spark wasn't captured. There wasn't the twinkle there as there was when she was captured with Lindsay, or the experience in her eyes. No he was glad he knew Catherine now.

The men then had been no different than he would have been, immature and greedy; not understanding who the woman they played with would and could become. Now he could understand that, support her and encourage her to go even farther; be her partner and her lover. Fifteen years ago he wasn't sure he would have got it, not if she looked like that and not even if she looked like she did today. Catherine's beauty had matured and become even more prominent; that was her self confidence.

Finding his way back to the bed he sat down to think. So much had happened, so much was going to happen still. The worst of it had happened right here, in this very room.


	16. Chapter 16

**Sorry for the long time between updates I got distracted. Anyway this is the last one in the hospital next chap will be at home and Lindsay will make an apperance.**

So much had happened, it was only starting to sink in. Everything was going to be different. Now there was a baby to plan for, a whole mess with the case that though closed was far from over and somewhere in the middle of it she had to recover physically as well as figure out how to cope.

Really she wanted to curl into a ball and hide from the world, and her mind; but sadly that would hurt too much in way to many ways. Now that she was alone she could think, it was all still slightly surreal. As she sat in the room it began to really sink in, her hand crept down to her belly. Through the gown she could feel the stitches; deeper in her body there was a child growing. This baby was going to change her life; it was going to make all of this final.

Catherine was thankful that there was proof the embryo was implanted inside of her but that didn't change the cold feeling of violation. Someone, a colleague hadn't just played around with her insides and cause her pain. But they had also made a huge decision in her life and in the life of this child. She was pregnant and this baby was going to be born; both their bodies were going to have fight to do it.

Slowly she let her fingers trail up the incision, it didn't feel right; it was too new and she just hadn't excepted it yet. She worked hard for her body, she knew how to look good, how to make her body work and how to push herself. This was not a part of that, it changed things. So many things had changed and it all stemmed from this. If there wasn't someone coming to see her, or the chance of a nurse walking in she would slip her hand under the gown to touch it.

There would be time for that, hopefully at home; in three days. She was happy that the day she was at home was getting closer. Yes there were some things that she was afraid of facing, like explaining it and seeing people. But she couldn't wait to see Lindsay and hug her baby, then spend some time alone with Lou; truly alone.

A knock at the door brought her back from her thoughts; alone time was over. Catherine glanced at the door, her heart dropped; the one person she did not want to see again.

"Ms Willows." The woman addressed her curtly.

"Dr Ryan, I heard you had moved on. You are handling this?" She tried to keep the discomfort out of her voice.

"Yes I have your situation and the paperwork. I am no longer the director but I still work with them and support the cause. I remember your visit." The woman invited herself to sit on the bed.

" I would like the paperwork. I am going to keep the baby and I will make it legal and contact someone else from the organization to figure this out." She spat, something inside of her rearing up as she felt pain boil inside of her. The smile on the woman's face said she was enjoying this.

"Fine it is all here you can fill out the proper paperwork but we must conduct a intake interview; the original oversight was a bad misjudgement. I intend to conduct it today." Dr Ryan laid out calmly.

" Look this isn't my choice. Have you thought about the fact you are meeting me in a hospital room, I'm in a gown. I cant deal with this now, I don't want to fight with anyone, I don't want to be criticized for this. I want to figure it out." She barked out, feeling tears roll down her cheeks; there was no stopping now.

" You can think what ever the hell you want of me but this is not me. I don't care if this is some damn miracle to you; my womb became available for your cause. It is not me. Not what I wanted and not what I planned. Or the fact that my co worker did this. I already raised the family I had, I may have found a man I want to be with and now this. Now there is a child I need to do right by inside of me. The man I love is trying to deal and do everything for me but it isn't fair; it isn't us. Now we are both going to be parents and I don't know if he will stay; I know he will try.

Then if we can get through it we have a baby to raise. To remind us everyday exactly what happened. Why we had a child when I am to damn old, why I now have a cut all the way up my body. So you want to tell me my morals are wrong? Or I'm selfish? I font even care. I want to figure out my life." Catherine sighed out wishing that the woman would just leave, every thing hurt now; the hazy ache of disbelief was breaking down.

"I'm sorry. Look sit up, take deep breaths; you need to calm down. Catherine, I don't know what has happened but I can imagine your pain. Deep breathes, lets talk." The doctor gently took her hand.

Catherine winced trying to get herself under control, leaning forward was not something her body wanted or liked; her chest ached.

"I need a nurse." The next few minutes were blurred, a nurse came in and gave her pain medicine before lifting the gown; she had managed to strain the stitches. And of all people Dr Ryan had witnessed it.

Two nurses helped her back into bed and helped her settle down. Catherine felt depressed, she couldn't handle anything any more, there was no way she was going to handle a baby and a new relationship. The medicine had made her woozy for a bit and as she turned her head she found Dr Ryan sitting there; Catherine sighed.

"Your still here." She mumbled.

"Hi. I am, I have no idea what you are dealing with; I'll make this quick. Here are the papers, I've seen enough to understand you don't need this. You have already raised a child and have a stable income. We will call this the interview and I will meet you closer to the time of delivery and just after then we will be done. You wont need to see or hear from me again." Dr Ryan told her softly, Catherine could hear something in her voice. Silently she filled out the papers and signed her name at the bottom of the packet and stacked the forms to the side.

"I will leave these for when the you feel up to it. The originals are with the crime lab but we were cleared to give you a photocopy. I call you in a few months." The woman stood and collected her papers before leaving.

She glanced at the paperwork and leaned her head back, right now she didn't feel like it; first glance told her that it was Ray's handwriting on the pages. Catherine drew in a deep breath and felt the stretching in her chest, a reminder that her body was only beginning to heal; suddenly she wanted Lou beside her badly.


	17. Chapter 17

Staring out the window Catherine sighed and tried to take another deep breath. She had not imagined coming home to be this hard, it was supposed to be the easy part; it wasn't. This was her safe place , she had raised her daughter here and taught herself how to stand tall here; this was her home ever since Eddie had left.

As the truck rolled into the drive way she pushed the air out and sucked in another breath; this one was shaky. The engine died and she reached for Lou's hands, her eyes were focused on her house, her lifeline was not there; her hand locked around the door handle.

Suddenly it was ripped away, she gasped and tried to get it back but found a soft hand. Her eyes finally tore away from the door. Warm eyes were studying her, they were safe and he was safe; Lou was safe and he was going to protect her. His hands gently slid up her arms, guiding her out of the truck and into the safety of his embrace.

" You can do this Cath, it is safe here. This is our home." Lou rubbed his hands over her back gently, the warmth came through her thin tank; Lou had brought it to the hospital for her.

She stood, trying to focus her gaze on him as he got her bag out of the back but found her gaze keep trailing back to the house. It had never seemed intimidating before.

A gentle hand in the small of her back startled her. " C'mon hun. Lets get you in bed."

With that he was guiding her up the walk, opening the front door and leading her into the house. She took a shaky breath as she looked around the entry way as he entered the security code. Catherine was surprised that nothing looked touched, it was all the way she usually had it; Sara must have cleaned up.

Slowly she wandered through the entry way and the living room, into the kitchen; it drew her somehow. Her hands came to rest on the breakfast bar, she could tell things had been moved; they were close to how she kept them but not how she kept them. Glancing around she could see how the room was right. The windows would have let in light or refracted it to keep the room bright, the island had enough space on and around it.

"He did it right here. Didn't he?" She asked quietly.

"Yea he did, Catherine its okay. I'm gonna have it replaced, we will make new memories here. Good ones." Lou's voice was soft and reassuring, she knew he was right.

Suddenly she turned, he knew about Lindsay; the fridge. Orange, that had been the most recent colour they had been using. She scanned the fridge for a sticky note she hadn't seen before; she was right. Upper right corner there was an orange one she didn't remember seeing before. Lindsay had left a not saying she was spending the night with a friend after dance. She gulped, he had known he wouldn't be interrupted; he could have taken his time with her.

Glancing up the cupboard door caught her attention but she couldn't place it; the hours spent here were a hole that left a very real scar. Yet she knew it was probably better like that she couldn't help thinking that this wasn't the first; it had just added another. She just had to keep facing it, move forward into the good; she didn't have to do this alone.

Stepping back she felt the solid safety of Lou, his arms wrapped around her and she let herself relax. This was home, their home; it was safe now. It was going to be a home for their family, a child was going to grow up here; again. Lindsay had grown up here, this home had been safe for her, once she had moved Eddie out; it would be safe again. For her, Lou and the child she was going to bring into this world.

" Can you help me take a shower? I want to have a real one." Catherine asked, smiling as Lou let his hands wander lower.

" Sure, then you should lay down. Its been a long day." He whispered into her neck, his breath on her shoulder was warm and safe; it was a memory. He did it when they were together, in bed , when he was ready; she loved it.

" You will stay with me?"

" Wouldn't be anywhere else." He told her and she smiled when he kissed her cheek; it felt good that he was still trying to want her. In a way she believed it but in another she doubted; men didn't want women who were scarred physically and mentally.

She held his hands and let herself be led back to the entry way and towards the stairs. She took the first step and reached quickly for the railing, the second she began to feel a pull in the bottom stitches. Catherine really didn't want to have to ask Lou to help her.

" Woman, I love you but you are to damn stubborn." Lou growled at her and scooped her into his arms; making her gasp both from surprise and a pinch.

" I don't bend like this right now." She whispered, feeling lower; being home wasn't going to give her anymore independence.

" Its okay, I've got you." His voice softened as he let her legs down a bit; straightening out her torso. With only a few more strides they were up the stairs and She was lowered back to her feet; and spun around.

" Cath I love you. I admire your independence and it is incredibly hot. But baby more than that I love you. I'm going to be here every step of the way until you are better and we have this child but even after that; for as many years as we are given. Don't hurt yourself trying not to let me help you, especially when it is something as good as having you in my arms. And I know that bugs you so try and think of it this way. You are strong enough but our baby isn't, and on that one you have to do most of the work so let me help a bit. Okay?" He held her arms firmly, waiting for her to nod; she couldn't bring herself to move. Slowly she crept closer to his chest, he was steady and gently wrapped her in his arms; she loved the feeling. " Lets get you in that shower."

She nodded but didn't move, he chuckled before scooping her up and carrying her into the bedroom and through to the en suite. He helped her, gently and patiently; once she was clean a towel was wrapped around her. She let him help her into the bed and felt him press up behind her; she felt safe and drifted of into sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

He waited until her breathing settled before slipping carefully out of the bed; pausing in the doorway to make sure she hadn't noticed. When Catherine didn't moved Lou high tailed it down the stairs and into the kitchen; he had seen her expression when she had come in here.

This was another step, he knew it had to be hard for her but he wanted her to open up. Lou wanted them to raise their child here, build their family and life together in this house. It had to be theirs, he was going to take care of it; this room had a memory that he wanted to bury.

Lou had lived enough years as a bachelor he was excited to have a home to work on; he had a nice nest egg to do it with too. He knew better than to try and take it on himself, it wasn't that he wouldn't be able to do it but if he did it Catherine would get stressed and he might be distracted when she needed him; good thing he knew a couple general contractor.

Standing in the open room he tried to imagine what Catherine would like in here. He liked the layout of the room, it was open and airy. It just needed to be freshened up, enough of a change that she wouldn't think of what had happened when she walked into the room. A darker wood and a lighter paint would make the room pop; dark counters too. He knew Catherine liked contrast, it would fit with her style and the rest of the house; he would have to look at colours to get it exact but that gave him enough to get in touch with an old friend.

It would take some time, he would need to wait for when Catherine would be upstairs or out to do it; a surprise would do her good. Deciding he would have to work with Lindsay on when to do it he dialled the number. The conversation was short but to the point, Dan had never been one for talking that much and for that reason they had gotten on well since before college.

They had had their ups and downs but all through the academy Dan had been there for him, through the brief marriage and all his bounces; he never talked a lot but listened to everything. There were some friends he knew he could trust, knew he could let into the home he was going to keep safe. Dan would work hard, do a good job and ask minimal questions; probably knowing by now that eventually Lou would lay it all out.

He turned when he heard the door click, he almost missed it. In the hall he was surprised to see Lindsay, Catherine had not wanted her daughter to see her in the hospital but he knew she had missed the girl. He had only seen her a handful of times, he had missed the girl more than he realized and he guessed she felt the same as her arms snaked around him.

" I'm glad you stayed with her, Mom tries to be tough to much." He heard, slightly muffled by his shirt; both of these women had spent to much time being tough. Lindsay was the spitting image of her mother, plus and inch in height, he wished he had met these two years earlier.

" Its okay, your Mom is upstairs if you want to see her. She may not be decent though, I uh, left her in bed after a shower; thought she would be more comfortable. I can go." He started, unsure of what Lindsay and her mother were comfortable with; he knew what he and Catherine had.

" Its okay, I have the same parts and trust me every now and then we've seen more than we need to; its weird that you see her more than if I happen to. That's only cuz you would actually look and like it." Lindsay replied, rolling her eyes and pulling away and heading for the stairs.

" I do, I most definitely do." He muttered to himself, turning back to the kitchen; Don would come and see what would be best and then if he could get everything cleared and stashed it could be done quite quickly one day. He did want it to be a surprise.


	19. Chapter 19

**This could have been one chapter but I wanted to switch prospectives. **

Lindsay snickered, Lou probably thought he had been quiet enough that she wouldn't hear his last words. She was well aware of what her mom and Lou liked to do, she was just glad he saw more than that; most of the guys her mom saw didn't.

After her dad had died she had been mad at her mom, but her mom had always been there, been strong and gave as much time as she could; she just hadn't been able to see it until a year or so ago. She had been safe, had what she needed and most of what she wanted because of her mom; that was something her dad wouldn't have worried about.

Two years ago she had started asking around about her father, what she heard hadn't surprised her; it taught her why her mom had left him. Showed her why her mom was as tough as she was, it had made her wonder why they hadn't gone back to mom's maiden name; but eventually decided that was just something mom hadn't wanted to do to her little girl.

Slipping into the room she settled herself cautiously onto the bed behind her mom. Lou had been right, the blanket had slid down a ways; she felt physically sick. It wasn't seeing her mom, it was seeing what had happened to her; the stitches. Carefully she peeled back the blanket, studying her mom's face; she was still out. Dropping it just above her hips she looked at the whole scar, from top to bottom; they had cut her in half. Swallowing hard she lifted the blanket up and fixing it under her arm.

Life was not fair, this shouldn't have happened to her mom, Lindsay rubbed her eyes quickly; she wasn't going to let herself cry. It was scary to see her mom sleeping, she always woke when someone came into her room. It was strange to know her mom was relying on someone when she had always stood strong on her own. She wanted her mom to wake up, to tell her it would be okay.

She had known as soon as Sara told her that her mom didn't want her to go to the hospital that something was really wrong. When Lou had came to talk to her her heart had sunk but seeing it was harder. It was time for her to be strong for her mom; mom had been strong for her through much bigger things.

Lindsay saw her face starting to shift; she wasn't comfortable. It was the first time in awhile she had really got to look at her mom. She remembered the last time, it had been the first night after dad died. That night she had heard mom crying and curled onto her bed, she had cried herself to sleep and Lindsay had watched her for a long time feeling confused before drifting to sleep herself. Her mom hadn't seemed old that night, just tired and sad; her mom had been beautiful. As much as she was told not to follow her mom's path from the start her mom had lived it and been brave; there had been a day when men drooled over the woman she had driven crazy. Now her mom looked different, more tired and older.

Gently brushing some red hair back in a way she remembered her mom doing to her she whispered to her; she was slowly waking. " Hey mom."

" Lindsay?" Her mom's voice was raspy and she slowly opened her eyes; they weren't the vibrant blue they usually were.

" Yea, I'm here. Are you okay? Do you need help to roll?" She could see her pain in her mom's eyes.

" Please, just pull my hip." She heard her mom's voice crack, the strong redhead rarely asked for help. Not that Lindsay cared, carefully she slid one hand under her mom and pulled her onto her back; she heard her inhale sharply.

When her face softened Lindsay relaxed, her mom was tough but she felt pain too; she just hid it better than most. She still managed to worry about her life, no matter what was going on in her own; her job had just made that difficult. " Did your week go okay?"

" Yea, it was fine. I stayed with friends, they got it as much as they could. I attended all my classes to. Are you going to be okay?" She was not about to tell her mom that she had worried all week, really her friends had been there for her more than she had ever thought they would.

" I'll be fine. There are a couple things you need to know. Lou and I are going to get married and you are going to have a little brother or sister. Right now I don't want to talk about it but someday we will." Lindsay stared at her, the seriousness in her mom's eyes made her nod; seeing tears well up there after made her fidget. " C'mere Linds."

Feeling herself start to cry she flopped down beside her mom and wrapped her arms around her until she heard a soft squeak. "Sorry"

" Its okay sweetie, I love you; I want you to know that no matter what." Strong arms came slowly around her and Lindsay came to rest with her head on her mom's chest; hearing her heart beating strong and loud was reassuring.

After awhile she realized her mom had fallen back to sleep, slowly she shifted to lay beside her and eased some space between them. One of her hands drifted down to her mom's stomach, even through the sheets she could feel the stitches; something told her that it wasn't right. The pregnancy at least, mom was to old and it had been nineteen years since she had a baby; getting married to Lou though that might be right. He at least seemed to care and he was stable, strong and dependable; he and her mom were both strong headed and stubborn. They would take care of each other, although it seemed to have happened fairly quickly; and they had kept her out.

" Lindsay, come out here, Cath needs more sleep now. She will probably wake up more in a couple hours when her pain meds wear off. Can you come help me with something?" Lou showed up in the door way, calling her softly. Slipping off the bed she followed him downstairs; she had known he was up to something as soon as she walked in and he was in the kitchen rather than with mom.


	20. Chapter 20

Catherine groaned and tried to stretch, it was good to be in her own bed; even if her body didn't fully appreciate it. Being at home a week had pulled her farther than all the time in the hospital. Lindsay and Lou were both patient with her and having them with her was encouraging; especially Lindsay. She had never seen her daughter so tough, the girl had even tried to test her blood sugar out of curiosity; it had been amusing.

" Hey baby." She grinned as the words rumbled against her neck as Lou pressed himself against her back.

"Morning." Catherine whispered back, turning her head to get a warm kiss. It was hard to be close to him, feel him and but know that because of her they couldn't enjoy each other in the way they usually woke up to do.

" You feel good gorgeous. Ready to get up?" Sometimes it made her feel like she was teasing him and yet he never complained; she knew he was becoming tenser.

"Mhm, I have the doctor today. I'm going to go with Sara so you can have some down time." If he had told her once he had told her a thousand times he was afraid to hurt her, but that in its self hurt in a way she couldn't describe; she didn't like being fragile.

" Okay. You have some testing right?" He asked, she felt his hands wandering and smiled inwardly; letting his hands roam was the only way she could really pleasure him physically right now. They were both sexual beings, they connected on more levels but still it was a very simple thing they had enjoyed from early in their relationship.

" Yes, its going to be a long day. But then I don't have to go back for three weeks; then I can have most of the stitches out. They want to leave some of the lower ones in, I think its going to be kind of touchy once I start showing." Catherine arched into his hand, extending her last word with a slight moan; her body was betraying her and melting into his hands.

" Better safe than sorry. It will be good though to get some more answers." She could feel him responding too, his lips rested on her neck.

" Yea, please don't stop." She whispered, knowing that in reality they needed to; someday though they wouldn't.

" I wish, babe lets not go there; I miss you." Catherine almost cried, his words were muffled by her skin but the soft words made her feel loved.

" Someday." She made a mental note to ask the doctor, the woman was going to check everywhere anyways so she may as well get some good info out of it. " We really should get up."

" I know, I just don't want to move. You want a shower?" Catherine grinned and hit him, sometimes he was just such a tough guy.

" I think I can take care of one myself, I really just need to rinse. What are you doing today?" She pulled herself up to sit, it was a feat she could now accomplish without pain; a step she was pleased with. Standing up she moved to the closet and found some clothes for the day before heading to the bathroom.

She grinned as Lou mumbled under his breath, it was good to be able to lock him out of the bathroom and take care of herself. There were lots of simple things she could do herself now, but others she wished she could; this was teaching her to take it day by day.

An hour later they were both downstairs, she stood at the counter testing her sugar again; maybe today they would let her stop that. Lou was making them breakfast, and Lindsay had just slipped out, she had an early class today.

Sara showed up not long after and they headed for the doctor's office where Sara left her; promising to come once she was done. Sitting in the office she tried not to worry about what the doctor might say. Eventually a nurse lead her back to the exam room and gave her a pain pill; inside she shrunk.

" Morning Catherine." Dena came in, file in one hand and a gown in the other.

" Morning." She replied, sounding nowhere near as bouncy as her doctor.

" If I can have your blood test book and get you to put this on I will try to make this as quick and painless as possible. Plus I may have some good news." Dena Craiggs told her, opening her file and looking over the note book Catherine handed her.

Stripping down Catherine slipped into the hospital gown, a garment she did not miss, and laid back on the table. The blonde doctor came over to the table and gently worked her over; this barely bothered her now. Tests passed and more equipment was run over her body, there were very few words spoken until the doctor finally seemed to have a verdict.

" It looks like you are healing well. The incision has closed solidly. I am going to remove your stitches and replace some of them. What I am hoping to do is leave most of the ones I replace in until we can see how your body is going to develop. My main concern is that the stretching as the baby develops is the incision opening up." The doctor gestured to a number of stitches that Catherine assumed the ones she was going to replace; she waited quietly.

" The ultrasound shows that everything is settling, your body is bouncing back and I know you can feel it; there is still more it needs to do. There is now almost no risk that anything will shift. I am going to guide you through a series of stretches, I want to know what hurts and what you feel."

Catherine let her body be twisted and pulled, trusting silently that the doctor did in fact know what she was looking for. She was also pleasantly surprised that her range of movement had improved, at least for one repetition. It was when she needed to repeat the motion she remembered that her core muscles had been cut.

" Alright, I am going to get the stitches out and replace them, take some blood for testing and after that we are going to do a little bit of physical therapy. I just want to find out where to start, it is going to take time and get slowed up by the baby." Dena told her, rummaging in one of the drawers.

" Can you see how, is it doing okay?" Catherine asked hesitantly, she knew it was early; but it helped to hear anything.

"Its only three weeks along. What I can see looks okay, we can find out more from blood work right now. I want you to relax, this is just a number." The doctor returned to her side, setting a tray on the table by her hip and injected a general aesthetic to keep her sort of comfortable through the procedure.

Taking a deep breath Catherine let it out slowly, bringing in another and repeating it each time she could; finally it was over. Running her fingers over the tender incision she felt better, they were still tight over her lower abdomen but they spaced out more and more as they went higher; these stopped in the spot where her rib cage came together a little below her breasts.

Once the whole area was disinfected yet again Catherine got dressed and sat through blood work before going down to physio and finally into Sara's waiting car. It had been an exhausting day and she was ready to go to bed, hopefully with Lou.

When they pulled up to the house she thanked Sara and escaped quickly into the house. Opening the front door she wandered into the living room looking for Lou. Usually he would be sprawled out watching TV by now. Suddenly something in the kitchen caught her eye.

As she walked into her kitchen she felt her jaw drop, everything was exactly as she left it but the counters and cabinets and walls had been completely changed. It was new and fresh, the contrasting colours made the room bright and airy.

Her fingers trailed over the new counter as she wandered to the breakfast bar. Now it was different but in the past week she had stood here a thousand times to think, dropping onto a stool she let herself drift again. Somewhere in her brain something clicked, there was something she could remember but couldn't quite bring to the surface; in truth she wasn't sure she wanted to.

It was in her brain and she wanted to know but then she knew the cases she worked; if the she was suppressing the memory there was a reason. Maybe it was just the part of her that wanted to know, the answers; eventually she was going to get her hands on that case file.

Hands closing on her hips made her shiver. " Do you like it?"

" I do. I don't even know what to say. How did you do it?" Catherine smiled, his arms slid around her and pulled her up slowly.

" Had some help, we need to make this ours and I don't want bad memories here. How was the doctor?" Lou asked, she found herself pressed up against him; it felt good.

" I got rid of some stitches early, and the doctor thinks my body is bouncing back. She is way to bouncy sometimes, it was a long day." She sighed into his chest, letting herself relax.

" You want to go to bed? How bout if I get something to eat and join you? Pizza." His hands were pulling her hair back and she just leaned against him.

" Sounds perfect. I'll help." Catherine tipped her head up to steal a kiss before pulling away from him and heading for the freezer.

Lou snagged it from her hands and popped it in the oven. " I meant for you to strip down and wait on the bed."

" I will in a bit." She brushed him off, it was how Lou was.

" Right, sit down then." He growled, she rolled her eyes at him; she leaned against the counter.

" Let me be, please I want to look at my new kitchen and I would really like it if my boyfriend would let me be." Catherine draped her hands over his shoulders as he invaded her space; she knew what he wanted.

" You are trouble woman and for some reason I love it. You better get it through your head that I'm not your boy friend anymore." He growled at her, his hands slipping down to hold her tightly.

" Sorry my fiancee." She smiled at him, twisting her face away from his kiss.

" Soon to be husband." He caught her jaw with one hand, his eyes were molten.

" Not till you put that ring on my finger and get the papers; I am changing my name by the way." She taunted him, trying to hold her head back; knowing he was still playing.

" Keep pushing and I will drag you out to one of the drive through chapels tonight, marry you and be back before the pizza is done." She gasped as he grinned.

" Don't you dare." She snarled, trying to pull herself free.

" You deserve much more than this and I will do you right." Her stomach fluttered as his mouth pressed hard against hers. She loved this.


	21. Chapter 21

" So when are you going to do right by me?" Catherine teased him with his favourite line, he used it whenever he referred to marrying her; it was cute.

" When do you want to go and where? This is Vegas." His hand was in her hair again, she loved the time they spent together; just laying in bed.

" Lets have a court ceremony. I need to get the paperwork to change my name. Do we need vows?" She let him slip closer, their skin pressing together; he was warm.

" I don't, I know what I want to say to you. I don't need to say it in front of some one who is just going to stamp and sign a piece of paper. If you want them I will say them, if you don't I will just spend the rest of my life proving that I love you." The seriousness in his eyes reassured her; neither of them were traditional.

" Lets just do it, say I do and sign the papers and come home. Maybe if this was different we would do it differently but right now I just want to be your wife. I love you and I trust you; you have already proved that to me over and over." She smiled as he rolled them, his knee slid between her legs; it felt good.

" I am more than okay with that. Someday we will go on a honeymoon too and we will enjoy every part of each other." Lou sighed, his lips finding her neck.

" Let me feel your weight, I miss it; I miss you." Catherine groaned as he lowered a little more of his weight; there were a few times when she had felt it all.

" You want to go today?" He asked, raising his head; she pushed hers back to meet his eyes.

" Its today already? I need sleep." She groaned, they had been planning to go to bed; somehow they had ended up talking all evening.

" I'm taking that as a yes." Lou kissed her again and rolled them, sliding into his place behind her; his hand trailing the incision. She knew he didn't intend to do it but earlier he had expressed how glad he was some of her stitches had come out; she knew as a guy he was more reserved. But she was coming to consider her body shared, it was his too and his was hers if he needed her.

Catherine drifted to sleep in his arms, her heart thudding at his answer; a part of her was hoping he had been waiting to talk about getting married. She wanted it badly, she wanted to be his and to be married; to take his name. This wasn't something she was sure of, it fought everything she had built for herself but Lou was that part of her that had been missing. He drew it out of her and reassured her, she wanted to be his and hand him that power, she had given that power before and it had been abused; this time she knew it wouldn't be.

A soft touch was running up and down her side, it was gentle and warm; Lou was awake. " How long have you been up?"

" Awhile. How are you feeling today?" He asked, pulling her onto her back; his eyes were bright. She smiled as he brushed a fly away curl from her face, he could be so soft.

" Good. Are we seriously going to get married today?" Their pillow talk from last night had been fun.

" I took your moan thing as yes. We can get the paperwork from the court house this afternoon and go to one of chapels, or just do it there. Do you mind if I ask why you don't like the chapels?" His hands drifting down her arm making little patterns.

" I married Eddie in a drive through chapel, I was drunk, high and just off a shift; I didn't really want to be there but I didn't want a fight. It was a mistake, I think Lindsay was conceived that night and its not that I don't love Lindsay but there is so much history and pain in that decision and that night." She whispered, hoping he wouldn't push.

" He hit you for getting pregnant. Sweetie, don't be afraid lets go to a nice chapel that is out of the way and special for us. Don't worry Catherine." His voice was so soft, she knew he cared, that he meant what he said and that he would be a good father. Yet a nagging part of her wanted to run, she didn't want to tie him down to hard.

She sighed, he made it so easy to love him and to feel safe, she knew she could build a life with him and trust him. It was just hard when she couldn't be that for him, she needed him and she knew it could or would change but it would take time. It was hard to believe their passion could work, believe she could really be happy and safe; not to have to fight for herself and her child. She did love him, and it scared her; it scared her to be with a man who wasn't going to abuse her heart. " I love you, I trust you, I just am not used to opening up; I'm not used to the settled safe life. Be patient with me, I will be a good wife, and your lover again someday."

She grinned, he didn't reassure her; it wasn't what she wanted. Catherine knew he was tough and it was part of why they worked; he wanted her to need him but he got that she could be tough too. " I know, goes both ways. I don't want to move."

It was just the fighter in her, the part that didn't want to be hurt again; that was all. She was about to suggest they just lay in bed for awhile when the door flew open.

" Hey mom, did you see the kitchen? How did your tests go?" Lindsay flew through the door way and came to stand at the foot of the bed, wide awake and unconcerned that her entrance had made Lou scramble; personally she didn't care.

" Lindsay, have you ever heard of knocking? What if we weren't decent?" Lou growled at her daughter, she glanced off and smiled; his face was turning red and he had dragged the sheet up to his chest.

" Did you miss the fact my mother was a stripper and a good one at that, I had that explained to me at five or that I am almost twenty? Honestly, I've heard it anyways, you aren't exactly quiet. Did you see the kitchen?" Lindsay rolled her eyes at him and his expression made her laugh; neither of them were done.

" Its not just your mother in here. I really wouldn't want you to walk in on anything that would make it uncomfortable or.." Lou spoke slowly which only got him cut off.

" Please, you think I haven't seen a guy naked, I have gone to college parties and anyway I thought you had a son." Lindsay, dismissed him and came to sit on the bed by her hip, she was trying really hard not to laugh any more; but the look on Lou's face was making it hard.

" Wait, you mean..." He stuttered, she almost felt sorry for him, he and Jake weren't that close so he could only guess what his son had done.

" Lindsay has done the same thing we have. She told me after her first time and anyways you see everything in college. We try to talk about it and I don't get involved as longs as she is cautious and safe; anything unplanned ever happens I will be there for her." She put him out of his misery before turning to her daughter; who looked very smug at Lou's confusion and discomfort. " I saw the kitchen, it looks amazing; it is a good change. How did you guys do it in a day?"

" It was fun, we had almost everything cleared out before hand; we just kept you out of stuff. One of Lou's friends came with all the stuff and they worked at that while I did the painting. They both made fun of me all day, so don't pity him for being uncomfortable. Then when they actually started putting stuff back together I followed along and put things away and cleaned; Sara came to help for a bit I think she had a video camera. It was fun, it was better that you didn't even know it was happening though. Did the doctor think you are doing okay?" Lindsay bubbled over and taunted before becoming more serious; stretching herself out on the edge of the bed beside her; her daughter's comfort was something she was glad of. Yet Lou was slunk down under the blankets and fidgeting.

" Yes, it is going well, after the next appointment I will start light physio therapy. What are you doing today?" She tried to move the conversation along to get Lindsay out and let Lou relax.

" Since I'm not invited to your wedding I will probably be at Kayla's we are going to work on a research paper for school." Catherine raised her eyebrows, she had not wanted Lindsay to over hear something like that; she didn't want her daughter to feel pushed out. " Don't give me that look. I was outside the door for a few minutes, texting Kayla to try and figure out when we could do this stupid paper and I over heard. Although I don't like the double standard but I blame him."

" Why am I always the bad guy?" Lou grumbled.

" You're the only guy in the house. But I find it slightly unfair that you go to the hospital, I'm not allowed to visit. Your boyfriend is now your fiance and I am somehow not told; not that I really dislike him I just find him rather pointless at times. You tell me your pregnant and I'm supposed to be okay with that. Get home and your boyfriend is now your fiance and living with us. I find out you two are going to get married by eavesdropping. Do you see the double standard? If it was me you would be at the hospital, you would be reaming me out if I moved my boyfriend in or went to him before you and I know there would be some sort of lecture if I ended up pregnant; not that I think you wouldn't be there for me. I don't want to think what would happen if I just announced I was getting married. Before him this didn't happen, he is to blame. Yet I am strangely okay with it, but at some point we are going to talk when he is far away." Lindsay calmly delivered her lecture and Catherine found herself grimacing internally; she hadn't meant to push her daughter out.

" What is your problem with me? I thought we were getting along decently." Lou stated indigently making both of them turn to him.

" Linds, I get that you're irritated with me and we will talk, tonight if you want. We are going to get married today but there are no invitations. I didn't mean to shut you out I've just been stressed and am tired of making you be more mature than you should have to be. Can you please go to Kayla's and let Lou relax?" She tried to smooth things over, knowing they would need to be addressed but Lindsay was right; it was a girls discussion and if they carried on down the path it would accidentally happen with a guy present.

" Fine, kick him out tonight and we can get chinese." Lindsay dropped a kiss on her cheek before standing and moving to the end of the bed; Catherine watched hoping she would make good on her word. " Lou its not so much that I don't like you its that you are suddenly very present and very permanent; plus how often can I make fun of a cop with out consequences." Lindsay thew him an evil smirk and walked out; leaving the door wide open.

Catherine managed to hold in her laughter until she heard the front door smack shut; Lindsay never managed to shut it gently but did usually avoid slamming it.

" There just might be consequences. I didn't realize what a piece of work she was." Lou grumbled, she knew he was more upset with Lindsay walking in on him only covered in a blanket more than anything else.

" You just have to get that we have always had a open relationship where we have had to rely on each other. Honestly you have no idea how scary it is to feel safe relying on someone other than myself. It is just another step in life,but it is new for both of us; Linds really isn't used to having a man around the house. Its not that she doesn't like you she is just reacting by testing you." Catherine tried to explain, reaching for his hand; if that had bothered him she would have to warn her daughter off because she knew Lindsay could hit far more precisely than she had been.

" It takes time I know, really we should get up; I still don't want to move." Lou groaned rolling towards the edge of the bed.

" That makes you, my mind has been running crazy all morning trying to convince and unconvince myself that this is right. I know it is I have just been lying still thinking about it. I'm getting up." She told him firmly, at least that way he would know she was sure but fighting herself, as she slid out of the bed.

" I think that's normal, I've been having some of the same thoughts; maybe its because we have both already had a bad marriage and are afraid of a repeat. Fear always seems to come up over the personal things; it would be so much easier if it would just hit at work." He shook his head, still not climbing out of the bed.

" No that would be normal, and neither of us are; at all. But that is what will make it work. That and the fact we can respect each other and then die wanting each other. Its been a while since I've been out of bed before you." She grinned cheekily, rounding the bed to beat him to the bathroom.

" Right, would you mind closing the door seeing as your daughter apparently has no problem with seeing you naked; I don't trust that the brat couldn't still be lurking somewhere to make fun of me."Lou's last words didn't register as she started laughing, but closed the door for him.

" She was just trying to get under your skin. Let me have my own shower." Catherine warned him before shutting him out of the bathroom; she was feeling good and wanted to get ready for him on her own. Knowing that if he didn't have a warning not to join her he would send himself an invitation. She heard him grumbling as he made his way down to the hall bathroom.

She was pleased that she managed to get herself ready for him, she had felt some of it but it was good to be able to do little things for herself again; she noticed them more. Wrapped in a towel she slipped back into the bed room and to the closet, it was shared now and her stuff was on the left; she was still getting used to it.

" You should wear your purple dress." Catherine heard Lou say as he entered and crossed into the bathroom; she didn't need to ask why as she had been told several times.

Yet she wasn't sure she wanted to, he liked it and they had some good memories with it; a couple that had sent it to the dry cleaners after. But it had a slanted neck line, which when she had bought it had been a selling point for her; she had always loved the one shoulder shirts and dresses but now the scar was awful high.

Pulling the dress from the back of the closet she held it up. The deep purple was knee length and pulled in from the waistline up to under the bust with neat little tucks that lengthened and smoothed her torso, the fabric pulled across from both sides and up through the middle of the dress to come together on the right side. Carefully woven the thick flat strap curved over her shoulder and plunged down her back; brought together by the crossing swaths of fabric that created the effect on the front and left a neat design of skin showing.

She liked the dress and was well aware of why Lou liked the dress but her insecurities were flaring. Glancing over she saw Lou was done in the bathroom and mostly dressed, dress pants a white shirt made him look fantastic. Dropping the towel she slipped into her underwear and stared at the dress she had thrown on the bed.

Taking a deep breath she pulled down the zipper and slipped it over her head, the fitting dress slid over her and came to rest like a glove waiting to be pulled up under her arm. Another deep breath and she reached for the zipper, still not allowing herself to look down, trying to tell herself that from her angle she would see right down the dress and all of the scar; if she waited for the mirror maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Zipper up she slipped back to the bathroom, fixed her hair and avoided looking down; finally done she stopped.

Staring at the sink she gathered herself and looked up, staring straight at her reflection. Her heart sunk, the cut of the dress caused the scar to show; had the slant been a little more severe it might have hidden the ugly mark. All Catherine could do was stare at it, she had no way to hide it, it was too warm for a jacket and the mark to new to cover with make up; she wanted to change.

Hands closing around her hips made her jump slightly; Lou appeared in the mirror with her. " You look gorgeous, don't worry about it. It is a good reminder for me not to jump you and end up doing something I will regret."

She just nodded, trying not to let herself cry, she did not want to go out in public like this; he continued. " I love you, I am sorry that you have been hurt so much by other men but it makes me want to protect you and prove to you that love and marriage can be wonderful. Catherine you make me want to be a better man, you make me jealous as hell and prouder than I have ever been when I see you working or doing anything.

When you say you want to take my name I hear trust and you don't know what that means to me. I see you with your daughter, with victims and you are soft and comforting; it makes me sure of how beautiful you are and why I respect you. Then when someone needs to hear it I know how strong you are and why you make me light on fire.

I'm with you and I am sure of our passion; there is no doubt that our bodies work. It is wonderful enough that I would be willing to wait years to be with you again if it meant we would both enjoy it; I would be okay with it as long as I could still hold you and know it was for a reason. But we work on another level too. I don't understand it and it scares me, as much as it scares you; you make me let my walls down. You bring out the me I forgot existed; you take away the jade years of our work has piled on.

You are becoming my world faster than I even know but I love it. I love you and I am ready to learn how to be your husband. To make you feel like the beautiful, strong and tough woman you are, to be behind you so you aren't alone to be beside you when you need a friend and in front of you when you deserve to be protected.

I want to love you, I want to call you Mrs Vartann and I want to raise the child growing inside of you. I want to be there for your daughter too, once she is ready to accept me. I am not saying my vows in front of someone who doesn't know us, care about you or understand the past that has built us." Lou spoke, his tone flitting between the soft tones she heard when they lay in bed and the brash, rough tone she heard at work; the ones she had learned were protective.

A tear leaked from her eye and his thumb came up to brush it away, instinctively she reached up and took his hand; pulling it away and letting the tear track down her face. She was happy, safe and sure, very softly she whispered words for his ears alone. " I love you, I don't know what else to say; I cant even think. But I know we are right, I can feel that."

" You can say you are ready to say I do and let me torment everyone by calling you Catherine Vartann." She squeezed his hand.

" Catherine Marie Vartann. That sounds more right than it ever has. I am ready to be your wife." She turned herself in his arms and locked her own arms around him; her face buried in her husbands chest. Catherine didn't need at court to tell her he was her husband because she knew he was more than that now, she just couldn't find the words to explain it; the fact he just held her tight explained it. "I'm ready."


	22. Chapter 22

Catherine stood at the window, it had been just over four months since it had happened; she didn't know how to refer to it. She hadn't been back to the lab and other than Sara she hadn't seen anyone from the lab; they didn't know what to say to her. Lou had been back to work, seen everyone and assured them she was doing okay but the shock was still fresh.

It hurt the most when Sara had to call to back out of a evening for a double shift, she had been a part of that; her team was doing that. But she was at home, the doctor had advised she not go back to work until after her maternity leave and Lou had gone over her head, and the lab to enforce it; which she was okay with. He was looking out for her and when she got tired just doing things to keep up with the house she knew he was right.

They had only been married three months but she trusted him to make decisions for her, he cared about her independence and her safety; she liked it. Thankfully he was not on the long case and would be home soon, she missed him; she missed people. It was hard to be in the house all day everyday but going out also intimidated her; it was hard to pretend nothing was wrong. Beginning to show only made it worse, Lou was the only one who knew the truth and made her feel comfortable with it; Sara and Lindsay tried but ended up making her feel dirty.

The bump in her stomach was a constant reminder, the fact it was growing made it harder to deal with than the scar that was beginning to fade. It was hard to face it but also the fact that her age was posing more risk to the baby; she didn't want to hurt it. She still wasn't sure how she would raise the child, something was still not right.

She heard the door click and the lock turn; Lou was home for the evening. Still Catherine didn't move away from the window, she knew it made him happy to see her in the kitchen; he was proud of the renovation he had done. She did like it but it was cute how proud he and Lindsay were of it; there was still something about it that she couldn't place.

" Hey Cat." She heard him call her softly as his warm body pressed up behind her, one of his hands rested on her his while the other slipped around to his favourite spot. " How's the little one today?"

" We are both good. How was your day?" She asked, letting her hand come to rest over his; there was a very real bump there.

" Long, it was Vegas case; stripper murder. Easy close though." He replied, she felt some of his weight settle against her back; his chin resting on her shoulder.

"The manager do it when she drew the line at stripping?" She relaxed, they could not enjoy sex together but they knew what it was like and had found their compromise. Still she knew they were both looking forward to when they could have sex again; it might teach him not to handle her like she would break. He would remember how they used to be.

" Good guess." He answered, she knew his attention had drifted; his hand was rubbing over her stomach.

" I've been there, I drew that line too but my manager wasn't the one pushing." She sighed, it had always been the whodunit factor that attracted her to her new job years ago; and pressure all around her.

" I know. Doc Robbins had to come out because the assistants had a messy pick up out in Henderson. Wondered if you are going to come back to the lab? They miss you." She sensed the undercurrent in his question, it was something they hadn't talked about it.

"No." She replied firmly, there was something about going back that frightened her. " I don't know how to face them, or to just visit. I know I should, I should go see Doc, he is the one who even caught on to anything.

I think part of it is I know what they are going to say, I'm on leave and I cant do anything. I don't know what they will think, I went from being there every day to hiding at home for the past four months. But I don't know what to say about him, I spent months trying to quiet the rumours in the lab and now I'm living proof." She trailed off, she did want to see the guys, especially Doc; she needed to thank him.

" He is not there any more Catherine. Sara and the guys have erased all signs Ray Langston ever worked there or even existed; don't associate it with him. Going back to the lab doesn't mean facing him." Lou told her softly.

" I know. I don't know if I can though, I cant help but think of him when I think about going back there. I think about how I used to work with him, I tried to trust him; I tried to make him comfortable. It doesn't want to separate, even though he was only there a year; it should be easy it just isn't." She sighed, there was a bigger question nagging at her, she couldn't avoid it forever; someday she needed to face it and get her own closure.

" You will, when your ready. They have all known you long before this, they will understand that it is hard and be ready when you come. In this I think everybody needs to find their own closure, you do and I do but so do the guys; they have worked with you for years. It hurt almost everyone at the lab, and you would be surprised the number of cops too; you have your own way of touching peoples lives and you hit hard." He was talking but slowly leading her back into the kitchen, he pushed her down onto one of the stools by the breakfast bar.

" Have you found yours?" She asked softly, her eyes following his movements as he cleared the island; she had a feeling he wanted to do something. He came back to stand in front of her, she tried to make him give her an answer but he was intent on something else; she could see it in his eyes.

" Hon. I don't want to upset you but I've been thinking about it for awhile. Can you really move on and go back to work when you cant move on in your own house? I want to know everything you remember, everything you feel; I don't want you to be afraid. You are hanging tough to hide it but I know its there. I see it in your eyes, in how you move and how you wont look up when you are in here. I want you to trust me." His hands were resting on her hips, waiting for her.

" I trust you." Catherine whispered, her heart was starting to pound; there were lots of things he didn't know. She had hoped that when he hadn't asked he had been letting her work it out, trusting her to work it out; she knew it had been holding her down. His eyes told her that was hurting him as much as her, he was done watching.

" Good." His hands scooped her up by her hips, she grabbed his arms when all of her weight came onto his hands for the second before she was back on hard counter. Slowly he turned her, she was sitting with her knees bent up on the counter; he moved over through into the front room and shut the curtain.

Catherine forced herself to sit still and wait for him to come back, she felt his hands on her shoulders; pulling her back.

Catherine let her head fall to rest on the stone, she was staring straight up at him; his hands reached down and pushed her knees to lay out. " This is the same way he laid you out. I know you're scared but remember this is your house."

She nodded and slowly looked away from his face, her eyes started to travel the room; suddenly the window caught her. Her breathing hitched, she couldn't look away; there was just something there. It hit her memory, it was blank but bright. " I've found my closure in hearing his confession and taking care of you. Sara drew out a confession that is very clear, I think in defending you was a way to get her own closure. You were laying here at this time when he did that to you. You remember the window."

" I do, but it is just blank. I accepted that once and it just hurts to do it again; that hole gives false hope. You heard his confession?" She asked softly, suddenly aware of his hands; they were by her sides.

" I did, I hate him for it but that was what I needed. What do you need?" His hands slid up her arms, finally she tore her eyes away from the window; there was pain in his eyes.

" I need to move past it. I don't know how, I just want to stand up for myself; I want to be me again. I feel like he took that away. He took it away at home, at work and with us. He changed us, changed where we were going and I hate that. I hate that I don't know where to go; even where to start it." She felt her tears start to come, she didn't know where from; it was just confusion.


	23. Chapter 23

As she started to cry Lou felt his heart drop, he knew she needed to get past this. But he knew Catherine had always had to be her own motivator, drill sergeant and strength. To him it was the first time he could help her on a level that wasn't crisis or recovery; it was building. To encourage her, support her and hold her; to let her know he was permanent.

In no way would he change how they had reacted or how they had brought it all out for each other; it wasn't just being there for her. Lou knew Catherine to be a strong woman, it took something for her to let him help and even try to support him while she fought with her own body. They hadn't really had day to day life yet and that was what he wanted.

He knew he had been pushing her, making her lay out where he had played with her body as if he had a right; he didn't know if there was something coming through. It hurt him physically to watch her, he had not said a word after asking what she needed. Tears had came and flowed, he froze, there was no way to comfort her.

Touch her hair, hold her hand and try to soothe her; it did nothing. Yet he didn't dare move her, physically she was alright but right now he could tell she was sinking into her own fight; he wanted to pull her out. To take a hold of her and make her realize she wasn't alone.

The woman shuddering in front of him was finding her freedom, in the way she always had; alone. Catherine was locked in her world, fighting because it was what she had learned to do. He just stared at her, he couldn't break through; he couldn't even reach out to her eyes. Yet he did not want to stop her, she needed this; he needed her.

Slowly his eyes were drawn down her body, he had focused on her face as her body became more and more of a distraction every day he couldn't have her; he didn't want her to know. For a moment his gaze lingered and the guilt hit, they slid to far before coming to rest; it was theirs inside of her.

He moved from beside of her head to her side, he was afraid and it hurt to realize it; he was afraid of upsetting her. And yet he had asked her to trust him, he needed to trust her; to want his help. Pushing himself up he took his weight through his shoulders and toes; lifting himself above her. As soon as he felt her under him, still shuddering with tears he hated himself; he wanted to press his hips down against her. It felt like touch was the only way he could reach her, it felt like sex was what he found himself thinking about when he was near her; it wasn't fair when she was so much more. Yet she responded and that bothered him.

They stayed like that a long time, he wanted her to talk; to do something other than hold onto him. She needed to get it out, finally she did reach for him. " Whats wrong?"

" Not here." He whispered, if she could get over this here he didn't need to start something else. " Lets get upstairs."

Sliding down he lifted her down with him and pulled her to his body. Heading for the stairs he decided to clean up later. Lou lay her out in the bed and sunk down beside her; he felt drained. She rolled to face him and he saw it took her some effort.

" Talk to me." Her voice was soft, she was composed again when only a few moments ago she had been so broken; pulling it together herself was still her defence. Still maybe he helped her get there; he didn't want to build a stupid worry.

" Cath I want, I don't know. I don't want to do this to us. I want to help you but I feel shut out. I cant get my head on straight." He sighed, this was right so it needed to happen; if they talked they would make it.

" I know, I knew it; your eyes tell everything. I'm sorry but I panicked, I just rolled into myself; I always have. Lou it really means a lot to me that you pushed me and noticed." Her hand came to rest on his hip; she was trying to reach out.

" Its going to take time for us to get it." He mumbled, feeling himself check out and tiredness from the shift he had pulled setting in.

" I'm sorry." He heard her whisper, closing his eyes he tried to close off; he felt her as soon as she cuddled up to him. His body reacted immediately as her face burrowed into his neck, her close felt good but it brought up that feeling; it did not feel like respect.

Slowly he woke, he always woke before her, part of it was work tired him out and he slept deep but not long; but he also knew that she usually lay awake and fell asleep later then slept a little later. She was beautiful, but he needed to sit back from that; he started to slide the bang that always flipped out back.

" You were tired, you slept; now talk." He almost jumped when blue eyes flashed open, she was awake but had been laying perfectly still.

" Cath, how are you so still?" Surprised and happy; that was his Catherine. She would pull something like that, only the lack of smile told him she was serious.

" Practise, will you please talk to me? I'm sorry I didn't but we cant let this build." She had pulled herself back a little bit and he understood; they were both trying.

" I feel guilty, Catherine you are beautiful and I do love and respect you but I see you, hold you; all I think about is sex." He admitted, and watched her face shift; he was well aware of her feeling on this.

" I know. I don't mean to tease. I just..."

" You aren't teasing, its not you. I want you to know that, I just would like it if I could hold you and not think of anything. Just hold you, talk to you when I want you." She wasn't going to blame herself for his problem, she wasn't teasing, it was his body and not even his mind.

" Maybe I feel the same way, I don't want to be told what I can and cannot do with my body. I've talked to my doctor about it and what I feel. I want you. I want to be with you and I don't want you to worry about me; you know I will tell you if it hurts me. I want you trust me." She was speaking to him gently, trying to assure him; he knew it.

Yet, she was trying to overlook one thing. Crawling down the bed he threw the covers off of her, bent her knees and let his weight rest on them. " First off hon your pregnant, four months along and showing; whether you want to admit it or not. I love the baby bump and I don't have a problem with it at all; if it was safe."

His hands rubbed gently over it, the baby bump had only made her more sexy, he had first noticed it at three months and it was growing fast. " Your doctors worry continually about how you're going to make it to nine months, if your body can stand this. They cut through your core Catherine. You cant even do a sit up on your own, I'm supposed to think that we should just have sex?

That it'll be okay because we want it, because you're just pregnant? Hon there is nothing simple about this, nothing that cant have consequences that you have to live with. I cant do that to you. I can be there for you and I will be but I wont make it harder for you.

I want us on much more than a physical level and I wish I wasn't thinking so much about it." He pulled away when she reached out, they both knew his weakness and she was reaching for him; he was angry and she was almost naked.

Suddenly he felt as if he'd been slapped; she just rolled away. He sat her feet still almost under him and she was just staring at the other wall, her jaw clenched and he watched as her hand slid down to her stomach. He realized she was feeling alone again, he had made her feel that; she hadn't even fought it.

" Cath." He reached out only to be shot down by an ice blue stare and his hand just dropped; falling in a very inappropriate place. Her eyes followed it, and she just looked at it silently.

"You know most men have the problem is that their wife wont put out. Two minutes ago you were holding my knees telling me you wanted me. I was relaxed, you could have just let your weight rest on me and I would have been open to you. I wanted you to trust me, know me; its not just you." Her tone was hard, the one he had heard at work.

**Next chapter is borderline M, consider this warning it is staying T but skim if you dont like it. **


	24. Chapter 24

She stayed still, his hand resting on her hip; waiting for her words to sink in. Catherine had gotten a cautious go ahead from the doctor at her last appointment; two weeks ago. She hadn't told him because she wanted him to realize it, to make up his own mind that it was safe. She knew it had been weighing on his mind and effecting him; she had felt that in how he touched her.

When he could realize she was healthy again, that four months had passed since she was dependent. Now she was pregnant but sex was safe with her pregnancy, at least until her body really started to stretch. She was a sexual being and had been deprived and would be again; she wanted use the window she had. But more than that she knew they were slipping, walls were coming up as they tried to conform to each other. She wanted that smashed down and when their bodies joined neither could sleep after, in most cases; they could cuddle and talk. Being with him in a way she hadn't been with another man in over a year was something Ray couldn't touch; couldn't hurt or change.

Sex was theirs, it always would be. Letting her eyes meet his she felt her anger melt away; she wanted that man. She wanted her husband, he was the only man she was ever going to be with again; he was the one who did understand her. His eyes told her how hard he was trying and that made her want him more, want the hours after when their scent filled the room and they would talk. He had to get it, she felt herself starting to tear up; it wasn't the same if she just told him.

She had zeroed in on his eyes and then lost herself in her thoughts; his hand rubbing gentle circles on her hip brought her back. Catherine stared at him as he leaned down, one hand taking some of his weight on the bed and the other pressing on her hip; his lips sought hers. Her body sung in anticipation as his kiss became possessive.

" You actually got the doctor to say yes?" His voice was hot, and low so close to her ear it was almost distorted. When he lifted his head away she nodded, biting her lip; she wanted to be taken. " Cath I want you to say it, I want to hear it."

His tone soaked her, she could tell he was nervous but the edge was so small compared to the excitement; it was reflected in his eyes. She stared into the smouldering blue and raised her arms, locking them around his neck. " I want my husband to make love to me. I want you hard and deep Lou."

He stared for a long time, they were close, he was draped over her. Finally he moved back and Catherine shifted in the bed to lay on her back; her body was ready. She felt her heart lift as he wrapped around her and took her; making her feel sexy and loved. Lou was breathing hard as they rolled to face each other his face coming to rest in the crook of her neck; she tangled her hands in his hair.

As her own heart pounded Catherine slipped her hand down to join his; this was what it was meant to be. Her heart was content and her body on fire with love for him, their earlier tension had slipped away; this was right.

" We needed that, I missed you so much." Catherine felt his words as much as heard them, his breath on her skin and free hand stroking her hair; this was how their relationship had begun.

" You know, this is the first time since we've been married." She told him softly, he lifted his head so they were sharing a pillow lying nose to nose.

" I know. I promise we will have a honeymoon some day and make up for our lack now." He grinned, a devilish twinkle in his eye.

" Good." She sighed. this felt so good, it had been talking after sex that had drawn them together when their need was just a warm body and the days horrors eased. In a way she knew, and knew he knew that missing this was what caused their stress.

This was the time when they were both physically and emotionally sated that they could say anything, feel anything and just be open; for now they were still one in a way. It was how they worked, their weird thing that made their awkward relationship perfect; for them.

" You look better, your eyes are alive again. I missed that, when they are bright I know you are okay." He told her, tilting his head slightly and leaning in for a kiss. Slowly their arms slid around each other and pulled their bodies tightly together; at least as best as they could.

Lou looked down and chuckled, his hand stroking down her hip. Her body was still highly sensitive to his touch. He caressed over the bulge in her stomach lovingly and she smiled, this time being pregnant was kind of fun; she liked watching his face. " Little rascal is already worming in between us, bet this one isn't going to get put down to much."

She smiled at his tone, she heard love in his voice; it sounded like a kind of desire. Suddenly he looked up and she saw his eyes flicker. " Honest Cath, as far as I'm concerned this baby is you and me; it doesn't matter who made it. You are giving it life and I love you, we are going to raise it and spoil it; I know its hard. Its harder for you than me, but I'm glad this little rascal makes me smile already, gave me the chance to see you pregnant and raise a family with you; it doesn't matter where it came from."

" I know, I just didn't expect to be able to feel for it, at first it didn't feel like ours. I don't know pregnancy isn't all men think it is; hormones are cruel." Catherine couldn't bring herself to give the real reason, but she didn't need to; for her this marriage and pregnancy were safe. That wasn't something she could bring herself to say to him, it wasn't something she wanted to say. She was trying hard not to let herself dwell on the past.

" I didn't either, but accepting it as ours helped and hearing the things Langston said helped to in a strange way. Someday I think you need to hear that tape Catherine, he made decisions based on desire he couldn't control but he only looked skin deep. In a strange way I know some of the guys, myself included almost feel we should have seen it; seen who he was if not seen it coming. I hate that feeling and I wish I had been more alert but the squad room has always been rather interesting." His half smirk made her smile, she was fully aware of some of the conversations that went on when all the cops were on break; especially when the room was left to the men.

" No one saw it coming, I was still trying to crush the rumours in the lab the night I passed out; right after he did it. People just speculated because of how deep in the case he had gotten, but we had seen him do it before; I honestly thought he was a decent guy. You couldn't have seen it or changed it." She reassured him, knowing this was probably a big part of what he had been hearing around work.

"Maybe not, but hearing the things he said and the things other cops have said make me wonder if he even had a soul. Made me wonder a bit about Sara too, at least until Brass told me she walked out of the room; she knew right where to hit." Lou told her, his hand pushing her onto her back and settling her against him again; he was still propped up on his side.

" There is a side of Sara that only comes out when she is passionate about something. She has a past that most don't come out of but she came out of it strong; I think that haunts her in a way. Sad thing is I've worked with her ten years almost and we never got close; I only know scraps. She was the one who didn't shy away or let me push her away; the guys I've worked with longer have hid as much as I have. Other than Doc Robbins, I've had a couple emails from him but Doc has his own way and sometimes it is best. It hurts in a way but in another I know I am as responsible as they are." She watched as his fingers carefully followed the incision down her body.

" No but you don't know the people who care, or the people who were hurt; it went far beyond the lab and even Pd. Most of it will be waiting in your office, you know it hit the news; supervisor any shift in the crime lab being attacked by someone would. The fact it was someone working for you only made it more. But the people who crawled out of cracks and the officers everyone thought just rude; I wish you had heard the building the day it hit the news. You touch people Cath, in a way not many can. You take the steps others are afraid to, I know it hurts when they wont take them for you; but in a way they are lost." He told her, her voice died, Sara had said something similar; his finger came to her lips.

" I really wish I could just tell you to take early retirement and stay here but I know you wouldn't be happy; more than that the lab would take a blow bigger than when Grissom left. The bosses don't want to admit it but do see that the lab needs you and they are well aware of the chance you will take retirement and pension. They need you.

Life was tough for you in a way that hurt you as much as it made you strong; it still hurts you. Most people don't have the strength to face what you have but then they would never have dredged up history to make peace; I talked to your mother a while ago. I want you to stop fighting on your own, I know you are trying and I know it is hard to break practised instinct ; but I want to be a part of your fight. Having some one to depend on and confide in is new for me too, I wouldn't ask if I didn't intend to follow through." He had an intensity in his face that she recognized, his finger had slipped from her lips as he locked into their dance of trust. It was hard for both of them but it was also one of the strongest points of their relationship that had grown since the accident; it had come with a price though. There was another question behind his words and it ghosted to her softly, it was two parted and it only needed to be aired.

You know all the past then?" Catherine asked softly.

"Yes, your mother and sister told me everything; just as you've heard everything. We needed that to move forward, I know why you avoid talking about it and its the same reason I do. We need that clean slate so we don't dwell on the past yours or mine." He answered straight.

" So when it rears up there's no surprises and when we need to cope its nothing new."She gave him a quick kiss as she saw the words register in his eyes; he had sayings even if he didn't like to admit them. " What do you think of when you touch the scar?"

" A lot of things. That I hate what he did to you, that your body is amazing. I think about my first day in Vegas and how I was warned about you, about the gossip I used to hear in the locker room; about the things I have heard since. How proud I am to be your husband and excited I am that we have a baby of our own on the way. That some day we are both going to be able to look back at this and not feel pain or anger." His voice was soft and warm, the palm on her chest was warm and the pressure safe.

" I still hate it, I hate that its permanent and I hate that I considered him my friend. I hate that he made me afraid of a place that was mine before it was his. I hate that I want to hate and blame him so I can hide and run from my fears rather than face them. I like feeling safe enough to hide." Catherine heard the words spilling out of her mouth and couldn't make them stop; but once they were out she felt better.

It was a free feeling, history that had built up was out, it was open and he was still there; Lou didn't run from the truth. He was her safe place, she needed to stay open to be his; she didn't want this to happen again. " You should get ready for work. I'm going to come for a while, I may just see Doc and Sara then hide in my office; you still have the extra key?"

"Yea." His tone made her glance over, there was a grin on his face as she was wrapped in his arms and squished; when she squeaked he let up a little bit.

o0o

I see the hits on this story, I would love to see the reviews :) thanks to TReid and since88, I appreciate the encouragement.


	25. Chapter 25

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, feedback is always encouraging.**

He was holding her hand and she could feel him tensing up slightly as they rolled through the parking garage; she felt oddly calm. The building looked the same, but as soon as they parked it felt different; it had been a long time since she came here.

" You want me to go up with you?" Lou asked, normally he would head into the precinct through the back to get to the locker room while she would go around the building to the front for the elevator.

" No, I'm going to go up to the lab and see what has happened to my office then head to the morgue. You actually have to work." She reassured him, and snagged her purse before getting out of the car and heading for her usual entrance.

Immediately she noticed eyes following her as she headed for the elevator, pressing the down button it beeped; the thing was still at the top floor. For a moment she considered taking the stairs rather than waiting so that people could scrutinize her. She recognized some of the faces, no one she worked closely with but a few that she knew, but no one gave any indication of recognizing her; they just tried to be discrete about staring. Let them stare, Catherine decided, she stood and waited for the elevator with her head held high.

It was a little early for her team to be in but Judy, the receptionist was in the middle of her shift and did a double take before stuttering out her greeting. " Catherine, its been a long time; good to see you are doing okay."

" Hi Judy. How has it been around here?" She had never been close with the gossip circle in the lab, she knew all the gossip but preferred to share it or keep it with in her team; maybe it was because they were the ones who understood.

" Different, everyone missed you, and was confused by what happened; I mean with Ray. We all were sorry to see you hurt, and especially by a friend. I think everyone heard the details, I am surprised you kept the baby what with the risk to your own health." Finally, it came out bluntly, glancing down the hall she caught sight of herself in the reflective glass; she looked very pregnant.

" Its not the baby's fault and anyway my recovery is progressing well. Has anything changed since I was away?" Catherine asked, suddenly not in the mood to chat, the thought of hiding for a little while in her office was very appealing.

" Not much, there haven't been many high profile cases, but there is plenty of mail waiting for you." Judy told her and then held up a hand, a call had come through; waving good bye she escaped down the hall.

She felt the eyes on her as she made her way down the hall, Catherine tried not to let it hurt. This wasn't the lobby where people sort of knew her , this was the floor she had worked on for over a decade; these were the lab techs she knew. At least none of the people she really counted as friend had watched her walk by yet.

Testing the door to her office she was half surprised to find it locked and fished for her key for the first time in a very long time; she had tried hard to have and keep an open door policy. Opening the door the piles of stuff every where stopped her, she had assumed that being on medical leave Nick would have taken care of the paper work ; apparently not. With a sigh she stepped into the office and let the door fall shut, this needed to be sorted through and for some reason it felt good to face it.

The pile though was daunting, but as she started to sort she pulled out cards and files and the mess felt better. One pile was separated to go home and be dealt with, while the other needed to be signed off and submitted. Flipping through she found the spots where her signature was required and checked the work where her CSI's were concerned.

A knock on the door made her look up and bright brown eyes and a grin greeted her; Wendy stepped in. She watched as the brunette pushed the door shut and flipped the lock. " You are back, and you are mine. You haven't been there in forever."

Catherine smiled, at least someone was still the same. " I'm only visiting, how have things been?"

She saw Wendy freeze for a moment, that told her things had been hard for the lab and she remembered a run in Wendy had with Ray. It had been in a case originally liked to the serial but eventually proved separate.

"Its getting better, starting to feel normal; I heard a rumour that they are bringing Sara back full time and getting another experienced CSI part time to help out. Damn Catherine I missed you, can I have a hug?" Wendy broke, and Catherine smiled, standing up to round the desk; she saw Wendy's eyes widen.

It didn't stop the brunette from hugging her but the arms wrapped around her tight and then slipped down to her stomach; she almost laughed. " You are so pregnant, it looks good on you."

" Thanks, I needed you." She wrapped her arms tightly around the woman, Wendy didn't care about any of it; again something ticked in her stomach. The same thought had come when Sara had stood by her, these were the people she only sort of knew that really cared; that was something she wanted to change.

Wendy stayed and visited a bit but her pager cut them off and she watched the bubbly brunette head back to her lab. Catherine turned back to her work, if the guys weren't going to be back in a while she would just go see Doc Robbins and then take a cab home. She didn't want to wait around for the whole shift as much as she wanted to see them; she was starting to feel a bit self conscious.

Reading the reports and checking the paperwork gave her a look into what the guys had been dealing with in the past months. The last file she closed was dated two days after she went to the hospital; she smiled. The guys had done what they always did, only problem was she hadn't been available to take care of it.

Taking the files with her she dropped them off in Ecklie's office, apparently he was out and hadn't heard of a chance to irritate her, then headed for the elevator; it was past time for a thank you to someone. Catherine rode the elevator to the bottom floor alone, it gave her time to think; she wasn't sure how Doc Robbins would react.

The doors dinged and opened slowly, she felt her heart rate jump again; her hand touched her belly for a moment. Slipping out of the elevator just before the doors closed again she headed down the hall towards the morgue. The hall seemed longer than usual.

Pushing open the door she scanned the room for her ghoulish friend, none of his visitors were out and he wasn't by the tables. Stepping farther into the room she looked at the far wall where his desk was tucked out of the way. The man was hunched over the metal table pouring over paperwork similar to what haunted her.

" Hey Doc." She called softly, her voice suddenly not cooperating.

She was still by the last table when he turned, his face was clear surprise; it only intensified as he looked down her body. " Catherine."

He started to reach for his cane as she closed the distance coming to stop by the desk, pulling the other chair around. She watched his lips move silently for a few times, taking her own deep breath she tried to keep it straight. " Doc, I have you to thank for the fact I'm alive right now. I am thankful that you pushed me, I don't think I would be alive right now if you hadn't. I would have brushed it off as stress until it was too late. I've heard how lucky I am to be alive more times than I really like to think about but I am more lucky to have good friends."

Catherine worked hard to control the lump that rose in her throat; she meant that. Her doctor said a few more hours and there would have been many more serious consequences, she was lucky only to have had minor ones but also to have had someone who was willing to push; emerge doctors might have missed it. She understood though, Doc was used to combing for the unusual detail that a rushed doctor would over look.

"I'm just sorry it happened, I, I almost didn't. But then when Sara told me her suspect and when I saw the evidence; it was a lot to face. We've worked together a long time and you have gotten yourself hurt to many times. I should have seen that his feelings towards you were not respect." His eyes had focused on the swell in her stomach, Catherine felt the cold sweep through her again.

" No one could have seen it or changed it. It happened and it is done; he wont hurt anyone again." She tried to reassure him, to many people seemed to think they had seen it; maybe that was why it had taken so much effort to push back the rumour months ago.

" No, I saw it a long time ago; I thought it was just because he didn't know you well. It was a year ago, the case with that revenge on a tattoo artist; the rabies. When we realized what it was I realized that you go bitten; it was hard because it had been a favour. His first reaction wasn't right, but he covered it up quickly and I just dismissed it." The man said sadly.

" Don't go there, Lou has tried repetitively and Sara tries to hide it; its done. He will be tried soon and then its over." Her fingers travelled to her lie but for some reason she felt no regret; it was becoming more of a truth. The baby no longer seemed like so much of a continuation of the pain; slowly she was becoming excited to see Lou be a father and raise a baby again.

" When are you due?" Doc nodded to her stomach, she wondered if her knew about that; Sara was good at being cagey about things.

" July about the sixteenth. I don't want to think how big I will be then." At four months she was already looking pregnant and with five more months to go she was almost dreading the last month. With Lindsay she hadn't gotten all that big, she had been able to hide it until almost six months; then she hadn't exactly been loving her pregnancy either.

She watched Doc do the math in his head, the question formed on his face. " When did you, did you conceive?"

" No, it was a sick joke but as far as Lou and I are concerned this is our child. We don't plan to fully explain the circumstances to the child unless absolutely necessary. Lou is really looking forward to being a dad; I'm starting to get excited about it." She told him firmly, watching him take it in.

" Are you going to Ray's trial?" His voice was soft.

" Yes. I am going to testify but Sara has the lead and there is the confession." She had made that decision after talking to Lou; this was not going to haunt her. Catherine settled back into her chair, at least there was someone in the lab she felt she knew well; realizing how little she knew two of the people who had not looked any different at her hurt. Doc though was more of an open book, she knew him well and could feel the conversation shifting towards work; it was nice.

" You will be at what, seven months? It will make for a long day or two. All the cases are tied, I am testifying too; I think. It is going to be a heavily attended trial, both by law enforcement and press. I think it is partially respect that there hasn't been more press; the mayor managed a publication ban for the first few days." Doc relaxed into the regular conversation around the case; the same as any other.

She relaxed in the chair by his desk talking about many cases that had come up in the past couple months, they chatted for almost two hours. Part way through he got up and brought out one of his visitors out to work on but she just swivelled the chair around. It was nice.


	26. Chapter 26

Time flew by, Catherine found that life was just slipping by. Her due date was getting closer and her body was getting ready; as was her husband. Last weekend Sara had told her she was going to France for a week, and promised that this weekend they would go for coffee. Lou had decided that meant he should book off for the Saturday she was going to be out of the house and paint the nursery he had been dreaming of.

At the last doctor's appointment she had let him come and practically had to smother him to keep him from pestering the doctor into telling them the gender; she wanted the surprise. And then the look on his face when the heart beat filled the room had made her fall in love with him all over again; and taught her not to hold his hand when he got excited.

Yet he had come home with the paint Tuesday morning and spent a good part of the morning cleaning and prepping the spare room. She had tried to help several times but been told to rest or scram, it was his project and was supposed to be a surprise. She liked that, although she had peeked after he left for work.

Then there had been the meetings with the DA as the trial was in a week and half, getting her testimony ready and realizing how awesome Sara was; her friend had made it so her testimony was optional. Both with how the evidence had been handled and the confession; even though Ray was expected to plead some how impaired. They had a solid case and everyone was preparing, the mayor and all of the bosses were expected to be there; Ecklie had even offered to be a character witness for her. Still yesterday's prep session had tired her out, it was depressing to go back to those memories, and the lack of them.

Still this morning she had woke up with energy, and by the time Lou got home already had taken a hot shower that had apparently agitated their already fussy child; her comfort had inspired it to try to kick its way out of her body. Which had excited Lou who had rushed through his shower and dragged her back to bed, his fascination with the baby's movements amazed her; his revelation though made her heart drop.

" Jaime didn't like it when I was interested in her pregnancy; it was a accident. I was excited but she felt trapped. She wasn't ready to be tied down or pregnant; Jake was a honeymoon baby. I wasn't allowed to go to the appointments or feel him kick." Lou told her softly, his hand splayed over her stomach as the baby kicked. His words made the discomfort worth it, he was enthralled by it and watching him made her smile.

He drifted to sleep holding her and for awhile she just stayed with him; it was only when he slept that all the tension slipped from his face. After a while she slipped out of the bed again and got dressed. She was going to meet with Sara, who apparently had a surprise for her; she wasn't sure how many she could take. Or was going to get, Lou looked incredibly comfortable and she had no intention of setting the alarm for him; meaning he may sleep all day and then have to squirm all night.

Downstairs she snagged the keys to the car, it was more comfortable to drive than the truck, there was no step up and the seat allowed her to reach without squishing herself. She hoped the baby was about done with the growing, the doctor was estimating it to weigh ten pounds; she was not looking forward to that. Besides the point her skin was only going to stretch so much more before the incision started to rip, she had long since stopped trying to feel sexy; instead she had settled into feeling treasured. Lou was good at making her feel that way, if sometimes a little over protective; she was dreading when he got his way.

The doctor had allowed her freedom as long as she continued with her blood testing and did not exert herself physically. The woman had been hesitant about the trial but understood it was something she needed to do. Lou had helpfully put out that she could go on bed rest before and after; the doctor had partially agreed. She had to spend the last month and a half of her pregnancy on bed rest; she was not looking forward to it.

It was fifteen minutes later that she pulled in to a little coffee shop, inside Sara was waiting for her; she looked happier. Thankfully Sara had taken the booth side of the table and left her the chair, tight places were no longer her friend. The waitress came and both ordered drinks, Sara got a coffee and gave her a smirk while she ordered a tea; coffee was on her long list of not allowed.

" How was France?" She turned her attention to Sara.

" It was really good, I brought a surprise back with me but he escaped to the body farm. Gil is coming back to the lab, he was supposed to start last month but he got held up. I am supposed to ask if you and Lou want to have dinner sometime this week?" Sara grinned and rolled her eyes, Catherine felt her jaw drop.

" Are you serious? Grissom came back to Vegas?" She leaned back a little as their drinks came but her attention didn't drift.

"Yes I brought him back, and he escaped to his old play place as soon as we got back; I'm not sure he ever really grew up." Sara took a sip of her coffee and grinned.

" If I wasn't dealing with my own husband being juvenile about whether or not I am up and around the house or if I see the nursery or not I would laugh. Lou is just as bad but I am pretty sure he thinks the same thing about me when I worry about the scar or what ever." She rolled her eyes as Sara laughed.

" That is true. How is Lou doing with the nursery?" The brunette moved on.

" I'm not supposed to know but he has got it all cleaned and taped up; I am not sure of his design though. If he gets up today he plans to paint it." She mumbled as Sara burst out laughing.

" Catherine is a bad wife, not listening to her husband." The younger woman taunted.

" I owned the house first, even if it is in both our names now. Anyways I've got enough surprises and stress to deal with; Lou doesn't even know anyways." Catherine took a sip of her tea, and gave Sara's coffee a long look; even Lou found it fun to tease her about it.

"When do you go on bed rest?" Sara wrapped her hand around the mug and Catherine tore her eyes away.

" After the trial. Lou and the doctor are tag teaming me. But my big tough husband who wants to keep me in bed for a month and half wants me to have the baby at home. I don't know if he won that one with the Dana or not; they are both stubborn." She sipped the tea, wishing it had a kick to it, the whole place smelled like coffee.

" And so are you. Is your doctor actually considering it? With everything that has happened I would think she would want you in a hospital. I'm surprised Lou doesn't." Sara's eyebrows raised.

"You didn't hear his first bright idea. I should have a water birth, I vetoed that one. If I have to push this kid out of me I am not going to mess around in a bath tub. But honestly I don't really want to go back to the hospital; I'm just going to let them duke it out." Catherine rolled her eyes as Sara laughed.

"What if you need pain medication, or the scar rips open? It would be safer if you were at the hospital." The brunette asked, she heard the concern in her friend's voice.

" I know but I want to do it without medications. I have enough memories missing because of drugs. I barely remember Lindsay they gave me so much medication; mostly just to shut me up. Ed didn't bother to show. I want to remember it. Anyway if the scar rips open then it will get stitched and dealt with; I still have a pain prescription that is valid. We'll have to wait and see if Lou can even swing it." She looked down into her tea, she didn't want to tell Sara she was just as afraid of going to the hospital as she was of having the baby without painkillers.

" What about a compromise? There are birthing centres around, your doctor just has to submit your paper work. Might be safer, there would be other midwifes available to assist the doctor if anything went wrong." The younger woman suggested.

" I don't know, I would rather be at home; I don't want to be somewhere unfamiliar. I want to be home as much as Lou does." She admitted, slightly embarrassed; logic told her the fear was unbased.

" Its hard, what ever happens Lou will be there for you. We all will and it will be okay. Are you worried about the trial?" She could tell Sara was testing the waters.


	27. Chapter 27

Was she nervous about the trial? Very nervous and every day it mounted; the day had been long coming. Catherine was nervous, she wasn't sure if she was more nervous to face Ray and his lawyer or the court room of people she knew. Yet the morning had arrived.

She knew the lab and department had been a dead zone the night before, Lou had been off like the others so he could attend with her today. She had been up early, there was no way she could sleep. Catherine had slipped from the bed early to get ready for the day, her testimony was first up but she planned to sit in after; she wanted to hear all of it.

Pulling out the outfit she had got for court she considered it. It was maternity sized, that was all she could fit into but it did nothing to minimize her pregnant curves. Slipping into the slacks she felt the baby shifting, not kicking but just moving; not comfortable. She hoped the little one would settle through the day, she didn't want to deal with it on the stand.

Downstairs she tried to get down a piece of toast but ended up just nibbling it until Lou came down. Blue grey eyes read her easily, and next thing she knew his arms were wrapped around her. Catherine leaned back into his chest and enjoyed the safety.

" Ready for today?" Lou whispered softly, his voice tickling the side of her neck.

" Yes. He needs to know that I am not afraid of him. He is not going to change my life or make me afraid. I am going to watch him go to jail for life." She lifted her chin.

" Cath, he may not be in jail that long; the DA is pushing for the death penalty. You know that." His voice was firmer.

" I know, but I don't want to hope that someone is going to be put to death; no matter what he did. I don't want myself to think about that. If it happens then good, justice will be served for the real victims; jail is enough for me." She tilted her chin to look at him; he was smiling at her.

" One more reason that I love you. How is the baby today?" His hand splayed over her stomach a moment; the baby chose that moment to be still.

" Restless but not really kicking. I hope it stays settled during the trial." Her hand covered his.

"Baby starts kicking during your testimony. No one can say anything."He kissed her cheek and then tickled her tummy. " Baby you wont move around when we want you to but you are already causing trouble."

She smiled as her husband talked to her stomach and then stood up and kissed her again. "We better get going."

Catherine sat silently the entire ride to the court house and only gave the necessary greetings once there; it all was starting to press in around her. Yet when she was summoned into the court room she walked in with her head held high. It was not until she took her seat on the stand that she looked over at him.

Her stomach jumped, and the baby took it upon its self to kick in protest. He looked no different than the last time she had seen him at work; she didn't know what she had expected to change. She listened to the court proceedings, the background on who she was and what had happened; feeling thankful that Sara warned her that the DA was giving the evidence a face.

As the DA began the questions she composed herself, and answered calmly; she knew how to handle the stand. It didn't feel right to explain to everyone what had been done to; to tell people that the doctors had split her in two. Especially not when Dana sat right in the front row, she knew the woman had done her best as had the team that worked on her. But it was necessary and the DA hit her marks and then moved on; once she finished the hard part came.

The lawyer Langston had found was middle aged and scrawny; probably thought if he did well he could make a name for himself. Why people wanted to make their name defending criminals, especially ones with no chance of innocence, she did not know. Still she recognized the barbs in his eyes, its what she had always defied in defence attorneys because she could hide behind the lab; science could be saucy.

Sure enough she felt it in the first question. " Ms Willows, you recently changed your name to Mrs Vartann. Can I ask you if this was inspired by the incident my client is accused of?"

" It was not inspired by Ray. I married the man I had been dating six months ago." She answered calmly.

" But you have done that before. Gotten married, and divorced. May I ask, did your fist husband support you? Is he here?" She saw their DA smile as many people recognized the man's blunder; he only had his information from Ray who apparently hadn't known her all that well.

" No my first husband is not here, he is in Desert Haven Cemetery and has been for eight years." Catherine answered calmly, he was going to try to disprove her character; Ray was pleading not guilty by provocation and genetic dysfunction. There was no one on the jury who was going to believe that, especially not once the character witnesses were done; there was a variety lined up.

" When you married him what was your profession?" The confusion appeared on his face as he scrambled to his next point.

" I was an exotic dancer." Catherine answered, her chin level.

" That was a good living, was that your career when your daughter was born?" He sunk down, again she relaxed; his barbs weren't accurate.

" It was a good career, it put me through school for my current job and supported my husband; I was in school when I was pregnant with my daughter. Attending LVC for a bachelor of science."

" You weren't dancing?" He fumbled again.

" Objection. Your Honour where is this going? It is not current history and has no relation to this case or the client. He has only been in Vegas five years, her daughter is seventeen and she has been working for the lab for the past sixteen in two compactions; lab tech and investigator." Their district attorney called out to the judge.

" Explain counsel, do not torture a witness and victim with memories that are irreverent; even is she is proficient on the stand." Judge Williams had got the case, it had been passed through to almost all the Vegas judges before he had taken it; she had testified in all of their court rooms at least once.

" It goes to character. Your Honour, in the past patterns are found." The man bumbled.

" In lay mans terms he has no idea what to do with a victim that isn't going to break down under his questioning and give him something to play off of. This is his only living victim, she has come to terms with it; motion to continue to his actions." The DA pushed the judge.

" Agreed. Mrs Vartann you may step down; thank you. Counsel consider your words carefully; you have made no point towards your clients innocence or addled mind." The judge warned the man again as Catherine stepped off the stand and moved down into the gallery; taking a seat next to Lou.

Doc Robbins was the next witness on the stand, followed by Dana and another doctor who had been involved; she felt the eyes of the journey on her when the origins of her pregnancy were revealed. Still as the pictures of other victims and how their bodies were mutilated the jury's face revealed their feelings clearly.

She tried to remain distant from it, holding Lou's hand she listened to testimony after testimony as the proceedings moved on; they did not break until noon and only for half an hour. She could tell the judge wanted it done today, the general sense in the court room was the decision was only life in prison or the death penalty; the judge seemed to feel similar. Ray had proved his sanity with his confession and his own testimony, there was almost no chance of him ending up in a psych facility; he wanted it blamed on his DNA.

Once they were back it was expert witnesses for most of the afternoon; at three the jury was sent into deliberations. It was hard to wait, the judge was giving them two hours tonight and then if they weren't ready the decision would be given in the morning. It had been a long day but the law enforcement had taken so much space that media was limited, although she wondered if that hadn't been Lou and Jim's doing.

Still as soon as they walked out of the court house when it was ruled the decision would be given in the morning the media attacked. Lou, Sara and Brass calmly walked her through it, putting themselves around her so that she didn't get jostled by swarm. When they finally got to the vehicles Jim disappeared quickly while Sara made rushed plans for her and Gil to meet them for supper the next night. They had barely seen Gil since he had come back to Vegas; he was working at the lab and on some kind of experiment out at the body farm. She knew Sara joked about it but also understood it; no one expected anything different from him.

As soon as she got her seat belt on the baby started fussing, the little thing had been pretty good through out the day. It had shifted regularly but mostly been quiet; now it was operating in full protest. She rubbed her hand over it as Lou grinned, she had a feeling they were going to get home quite quickly.

Once they were in the house and she had dropped her purse his arms came around her again; she leaned back hoping to feel safe. Instantly that was turned on her, an unhappy squeak escaped her as he scooped her up. "Lou put me down."

"In a minute." He replied making his way across into the living room and settled on the couch; kicking his feet up before laying her down with him.

"I am way to heavy for you to carry." She scolded him as she lay her head down on the arm; he had pulled her back against him. "We don't even fit here any more."

He lifted his head to peak and chuckled before kissing her cheek; she felt his nose in her hair a moment later. He nuzzled his face into the side of her neck as his hands found where the baby was practising kick boxing inside of her. "We're fine. This little monster wants to see the world and know if mommy is okay; daddy wants to know too. You okay with learning how little Ray knew?"

"Yes, it is reassuring in a way, I hadn't heard of his lawyer before though; that guy was more embarrassed than me. Its not the first time my past has come up in court, almost all the judges have heard it and over time they have learned my past doesn't define me; I am professional. It was hard to hear it and keep it from getting personal; hearing all the details I mean." She sighed, relaxing to talk; they were home and it was almost over.

" I saw that, you have your tells. But I don't think they really needed you sitting up there for it; its not like you can remember it." Lou replied, his voice muffled; she felt it on tickle the back of her neck; one of his hands came up to tangle in her hair; the other still trapped under her and tracking the baby's movements.

" It gave the jury a face and let them see that I was real; Sara gave me the heads up. And I do not have tells." Catherine elbowed him.

" They just wanted to make a point and because you have been around court before and are supervisor at the lab they took more liberty than they should have; your position doesn't mean you have to be tough. You do so have tells, your hand on you belly and roving eye contact; you were trying to to look away and block it out. I don't think anyone else would have noticed." He nipped her neck, making her squirm. " Like that Cath?"

" Not funny you deserved the elbow." She defended as he did it again; she tried to stay still.

" I disagree and so does mini monster." He laughed as the baby began to kick hard again; both his hands migrated down to follow it.

" Not nice Lou, and don't call the baby a monster." Catherine scolded hi.

" Fine but I don't know whether it is a girl or boy; would rug rat be better. Wanna play a game you little rug rat?" He cooed and suddenly she got a poke in the stomach where the baby just kicked; a retaliation of frenzied kicking was returned.

" Lou don't. It kicks enough without encouragement." She groaned as he continued to torment the baby.

Finally he stopped, his hands slipping down to her hips and she found herself being rolled over again.

Blue grey eyes were full of mischief as he kissed her; she turned her face away. " Not a chance."

" C'mon Catherine have a sense of humour, the kid is going to be a soccer player. I just want to play." His voice was soft and teasing, he leaned in again to kiss her; she was not done with him.

" Then you teach it to kick you in the stomach." She continued to evade his kiss; his eyes were lighting up with the game.

" I will. Once you let it out. Now I am going to kiss my wife." One of his hands slid low and made her jump as his other closed around her jaw; holding her still. His lips crashed into hers and she smiled her body responding as did the baby.

" You feel it?" She asked, their bodies were pressed together and the baby was kicking.

" I do but I can see how it would get uncomfortable. I cant wait until we can hold it." He murmured against her lip; his eyes were alive as they cuddled.

" Only six weeks." She lifted her face and curled into his shoulder.

" I know, trust me I know Cath." He whispered, she felt his arms lock around her tighter, she felt safe and warm; her body immediately decided it was time to feel the consequences of her restlessness the night before.


	28. Chapter 28

He groaned as he felt an elbow get pushed into his stomach; slowly he opened his eyes. It was morning, he had spent the night on the couch, some how curled up with his wife. The light streaming through the window hurt his eyes, he blinked hard before burying his face back in Catherine's neck. He was surprised that she had managed to sleep comfortably.

Looking down he found that her leg had wormed between his,angling her hips into his and her arms were locked around his back. He hadn't realized his arms were still around her, his muscles had locked. He looked down her body, she was pressed into him as much as she could; her belly was almost comical. Lou had long since learned not to say as much as he wanted about how her body had changed; he liked it. The circumstances of her getting pregnant were not something he loved but he did love what it had done to them; it had bound them together.

He had enjoyed watching her body change, and seeing her come to except it; he was excited to raise a child with her. He was excited to help her through the delivery and as crazy as it sounded he looked forward to when his leave started so he could spend the long nights with her. He wanted to watch her with a baby, hold her as she fed the little one; feed it himself.

Since the nursery was done he had felt it coming, she looked ready and after today she was going on bed rest. He knew that was going to drive her crazy but he hoped that if he kept her on it the doctor might be a bit more lenient about making Cath go back to the hospital; he knew it made her nervous. She didn't like to admit when she was afraid, she tried to let go of being tough. He knew it came from being trapped before and getting burned badly; she had to many tough times. He wanted this pregnancy , this delivery to be as good for her as possible; he wasn't exactly sure how pushing a baby out could be. But if keeping her out of the hospital would make it better he would do that, he really didn't want to go back to the hospital either; he had spent to much time there wondering if he had lost her.

No, he wanted her to feel safe and he had worked hard to make her feel safe here at home; with him. He was well aware of the risks but he also had enough friends over in EMS that he could arrange for one of the guys to come hang around and get Jim to let him take the torus home. The doctor knew her stuff, it would be fine and Cath was strong. In a way he had to remind himself it was okay.

The beautiful strawberry blonde curled into him and the child she was nurturing inside of her were his world. It was only this woman who had the power to reduce him to a fumbling romantic and make him air his feelings just after driving him mad wanting her. She was sexy to him no matter what, fiery and tough to the world but a soft, warm woman underneath. Only few were allowed to understand that and he counted himself lucky to have been allowed to see her soul.

Lou nuzzled down and lifted her face as she squirmed, she must have slept well for him to have woke up first. She had been getting less and less sleep as the baby grew, it made her restless. Carefully he nuzzled her hair clear and then nipped her gently. It was a way to wake her, she liked it even if she whined at him ; she would be more upset if she squirmed her way out of her nest.

" Cath, its time to wake up." He was thanked with a groan and her burrowing into him more. " Babe, now. We gotta go back to court."

" I'm awake. I'm just not moving yet." Came a reply, muffled by his shoulder.

" I mean now. Don't whine." She wasn't going to move unless she had to, but they did need to get going. Carefully he got his arms under her, and his knees through so he could sit up; she let out a trade mark squeak. Gently he lifted her into his arms and pushed himself up to stand, his back protested but the hours at the gym paid off. Letting her legs down he kissed her forehead as she pushed her face into his chest grumbling; she was cute. He knew better than to say that though. " You want a shower before we go hear the verdict?"

" Yes." The response was partially growled, she so hated waking up; but it was so fun to do it to her. " Don't you dare help me. Use Lindsay's bathroom."

He grinned and waited until she pulled away and got her balance to give her ass a little smack, he always liked doing it and it usually got him a growl; then headed for the stairs. She trailed after him, mumbling something he guessed was hatred of early mornings.

Taking a quick shower he beat her back to the bed room and got dressed before going downstairs; he had seen how little she ate yesterday. He knew her nerves were probably ten times his and he knew he didn't fully understand why; he couldn't. But he also couldn't let her skip eating, it wasn't good for her or the baby; plus when her stomach was empty he was pretty sure the little monster threw fits.

Making two cups of tea he put down some toast and started eggs, he knew she would probably just pick at it but it gave him a place to start. Plus he hoped the fact that he had given up his coffee would get him some points; she was really missing her caffeine kick.

He had just put out the plates when she came down, her face worried him; it wasn't just nerves but pain too. She came to her seat and took it gingerly, maybe the night on the couch had been a bad thing. He watched her carefully as he ate, something was up; she cleaned her plate without protesting.

" Ready to go?" She asked after tucking her plate in the dish washer.

" Just a minute." He replied to her back, she headed for her coat as he quickly cleaned up the kitchen. Grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair he caught up to her at the door. Taking her shoulders he pulled her back gently. " Whats up?"

" I'm just stiff, hopefully today will be short." She leaned her head back, her eyes betrayed her lie; but he let it slip. She didn't lie to him with out reason, more than anything it probably meant she wasn't sure herself and didn't want him hovering; she also wanted to go today.

In the car he caught her rubbing her back and side, it wasn't the side she had slept on either. He let it rest until they got to the court house, when she went to get out of the car she got half way up, winced and sat back down; she got it on her second try.

Trying to make it smooth he wrapped an arm around her, so his hand rested over the place she had been rubbing; he didn't feel the baby moving. As the court proceedings started he scanned the room for Dana, she wouldn't want her doctor involved but it the woman was here it wouldn't hurt. He spotted her on the far side, if she stayed till the end he would catch her on the way out.

Catherine fidgeted through the entire closing of the trial, he didn't even see a reaction when the judge announced the sentence; he was facing death. He had expected something even though they both knew how that sentence worked; she was preoccupied and he wasn't even sure she heard it.

Although Ray turned around to find her eyes she seemed to miss it; he glared back. He would make a point of going to see the bastard at least once before he was put down; even though he knew he likely had years to do it. That wasn't something Catherine would normally miss, she liked to fight in her own way. Glaring him down would have been something she would have done calmly and the fretted about later.

As soon as it wrapped up he began to make his way through the sea of people to get across to the doctor; if this was nothing Cath would have his head. If it wasn't though she would forgive him when she felt better. Dana saw him immediately and wrestled her own way through to meet him.

" Is Catherine okay?" The first words out of the young doctor's mouth reassured him, she had known there was some risk to letting Catherine stress herself.

" She is not herself, she is in some sort of pain but I cant feel the baby moving all that much. She wont want to be checked out here." He turned and began to clear a path back to her, mostly it was people he worked with now and they moved for him.

When he got back Sara had knelt beside her and was rubbing her back, the brunette's shoulders were bare; her jacket was around Cath. She is cramping badly and the baby just started moving a lot."

" Lets get her outside, the house is on the way to the hospital. If I cant figure it out by the time we get that far then she is going to have to go back to the hospital. Can we get her outside with out everyone seeing her like this?"

" You can take her out the back, through my chambers. I can ask several of the bailiffs to escort you so that you are not bothered but there shouldn't be many people back there anyways." Lou looked up to see Judge Amy Williams had closed off their little circle blocking Catherine from any curious eyes.

The older woman was known for being stern but very fair, even with the job she had done for years the woman was known to still care; she kept track of the people who testified repetitively in her court.

" Sara, can you take my keys. We parked around front." Lou asked, wrapping his arms around Catherine he pulled her up, his wife would be mortified that this happened in court but the fewer people that saw the better. The judge stepped around to the other side, her loose black robe and sheer height helped to hide Catherine between them.

Sara disappeared and they lead made their way through the chambers around to the back exit. The car was waiting and Sara jumped out, the doctor slid into the back seat first and they guided Catherine in with her.

He made to round the car when Sara caught his arm. " Are you okay to drive?"

" Yes, hopefully we only have to go to the house; that's not to far." There was no way he could just sit and watch to see if the doctor was figuring out what was wrong; he needed to do something.

She seemed to get it because she backed off and stood clear as he navigated out to the street, a glance over his shoulder told him Dana was not happy; her voice confirmed it. " Do you know if her first daughter was early?"

" Yes, three weeks, but she was healthy; the doctors thought they may have estimated wrong." He was glad he had spent some time bugging her about her first pregnancy.

" Doesn't mean they were right, some women just are early. Still eight weeks is way too much. I want her to go to the hospital, at least for an ultra sound."

He felt his heart race as he drove, he wished he could just hold her hand, Catherine was never this quiet. The edge in Dana's voice scared him like nothing else, there were a whole host of problems that could pop up just from her age, not to mention the surgery; the baby coming premature was just to much.

**I will not be posting another till I get some serious reviews... i appreciate everyone who does but i also see all the hits and would love more opinions- good or bad.**


	29. Chapter 29

He paced nervously in the waiting room, Catherine had gone in half an hour ago; Dana had rushed her through. He had spent far to much time in these rooms, if he spent much longer he was pretty sure the hole would be through the floor.

" Lou stop." Her voice made him jump a mile, he turned towards it; his wife was standing calmly in the door way with her doctor at her shoulder. " I'm fine my body was just playing a mean trick. I cant get stressed out and you have to take me home because I have to spend the next eight weeks in bed."

He stared at her, she looked fine and relaxed, she was even wearing her clothes from court again. Cautiously he closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her, it was good to feel that she was real.

" She has pain medication if the cramps come again. Everything looks fine, the baby's heart beat is strong and physically she seems fine; sometimes women just get false labour pains. Stress and exertion have been known to cause it. She just needs to take it easy and stay calm; to keep both of you calm we are going to try to deliver this baby at home. I thought she was going to pass out on me when she realized she was at the hospital again. I will come by the house next Thursday for a check up; I am going to watch her more closely. " Dana told him calmly, unphased by the fact Catherine was trying to crush his ribs as much as she was trying not to crush hers; the doctor calmly turned and walked away.

Bending his head down he kissed the top of her head. " Ready to head home?"

" Yes." The way she sighed the word told him she was done for the day. She had pushed herself to hard today and he hadn't fully realized it.

His mind was quickly doing the math of how much time he had for the parental leave he had been approved of and how many weeks vacation he still had on the books; thank goodness he had spent years a bachelor with no interest in days off.

He got her home as quickly as he could and made no protest when she dragged him into bed with her; he was more than happy to hold her in his arms for a while. When she fell asleep he shifted, pulling the arm out from under her and using it to prop himself up; leaving one draped around her; his hand over the baby.

Her face had relaxed in sleep, she looked comfortable and content; his stress eased away. Cautiously bringing a hand up to her cheek he began to straighten the fly away wisps that wanted to creep over her face. Seeing her in pain had hurt him almost physically, he regretted pushing it aside for the trial; regretted letting her try to tough it out again. But slowly the realization that when it came time for her delivery there would be little he could do other than watch her suffer; he wasn't sure he could do it.

Suddenly the telltale ding of the door bell dragged him from the bed and sent him fumbling for his clothes. Who ever had decided to come calling now that she was settled comfortably was not going to be received happily. Yet as the bell made the long first ding he scrambled down the stairs, they were determined to wake her up; he was going to need to change that bell before he smashed it. Breathlessly dragging open the door he found a rather surprising sight.

Holding the door open he just stared, Jim patted his shoulder and walked past him into the house clearly looking for Catherine while the second visitor hovered waiting for an invitation. With a gesture he invited the Judge in, still a little surprised to see them together. Jim usually avoided the judges unless necessary, he also had a rather rude nickname for them when they didn't cooperate; apparently this was worth a truce.

" Where's Catherine? You wouldn't be here if she wasn't pups." Jim Brass called out, the surly looking homicide detective had made a sweep of the downstairs as if at work or home then decided to taunt him with the latest nick name he had earned.

" She is upstairs sleeping, let her be she has a hard time finding a comfortable position as it is." He moved to block the stairs, even if his boss wanted to go up to see her he was not going to allow it; she was not decent.

" What happened today, and how did I not find out about it? I really don't appreciate not hearing from you or Sara or someone; I found up something might have been up from the media. I've known her for almost nearly twenty years." Brass, in typical form got angry, and loud.

" Look I'm sorry, I was trying to get her out of the court house without having it splashed on the front page. She is upstairs sleeping, she needs the rest but she is also supposed to stay on bed rest until the baby comes. Do you know how impossible that will be?" He tried to get the man to quiet down.

" Not going to happen, specially since you are wrapped around her little finger; Lindsay would have more luck enforcing that." His boss chuckled and he tried not to take it personally but Brass was right; Lindsay had a strong dose of Catherine's fire in her.

" Anyway, right now she is resting willingly and happily; I would like to keep it that way. I'm sorry you had to hear that she was hurt from the media but I wasn't thinking who needed to be told. She is fine now but the pregnancy is taking its toll. The doctor said she was having fake contractions; but they are just treating them as cramps. She has medication she wont want to take for if they come back, but she cant get stressed any more or tire herself out." He finally stepped away from the stairs, neither of them were all that intent on disturbing Cath. They moved into the living room and Jim flopped himself out on the couch completely at home while the Judge sat gingerly on the edge of the chair; he still didn't know why she had come.

" The media doesn't have anything substantial and they are still to hyped about the whole case with where Ray got himself; it should take them at least a couple days to come snooping after Catherine. The sentence really got them going." Brass commented, his eyes roaming the room; Lou noticed they came to rest on their wedding photo. He knew that before all of this Jim and Cath had been butting heads and with what happened never really had the chance to make amends; he wondered what the detective was thinking.

" When is Catherine due?" The judge finally put in, Lou barely knew her; but Catherine held her in high regards as far as judges went.

"Eight weeks, they think about the sixteenth but it might be early; she was early with Lindsay." Lou fidgeted, she didn't know if the woman was a mother or not.

" Does she have any family, other family, she can talk to ?" The judge asked, her voice soft.

"Her mother and sister but there is some tension there. I think she is handling it okay, we've talked about some things." He shifted, unsure of where exactly this was going.

" Lou Vartann, can I see her? When she wakes up. With everything that has happened, she needs someone to talk to; someone she doesn't have to see everyday. I don't know if I'm the person she will talk to but there will be someone; I know over the years I have appreciated her." Amy Williams shifted to the edge of her seat.

" I, uh don't know. I know she wont talk much to the lady from Sunflower, the organization that..."

"I presided over the case, I know and that isn't surprising; I wouldn't either. Her doctor is just a young little thing and her family is distant, she works so many hours in a job that haunts her; and her husband is in the same line of work. I've been there." The older woman cut him off, calmly injecting in her own experience.

" It might be a good thing for her. I know I don't get some of it." Lou felt deflated, this was confusing.

" Can I go talk to her? You need to talk too, maybe your friend?" The woman stood calmly looking at him, he knew without a doubt she was a judge; her expectation of respect was clear.

" She um, isn't decent; I can get clothes for her." He stuttered, she through him; he got a sense she was another person he didn't really know who Catherine had touched.

" Sit down, she has the same parts. Catherine can take care of herself; no matter what you do to her. She loves having her pup trailing her but she needs space too." Brass cut in as he started to stand, nodding he dropped back to the chair and let the woman pass him for the stairs.

" Don't worry, if she is sleeping I'll let her be. But we rang the bell twice, I'll bet she heard it." She had paused on the first step.


	30. Chapter 30

She had heard the door bell and Lou race off, cursing under his breath; the voices had been muffled. Catherine had only recognized his voice but there were two others. Part of her was curios but another part told her to stay put, Lou would tell her later; she would only stress him out. The last thing she needed was to stress him out more, he had a bad enough scare today; she hadn't intended it but her ego overruled her judgement.

Her eyes came to focus on the far wall, there was a picture from their wedding there, Lou was grinning from ear to ear; his fingers clasped in a silent message around her belly. She knew he made her happy, and she felt safe to be pregnant, to be alone in this room and to face life because of him. He was her other half and this baby would complete them; if they could get it into this world in a safe and timely fashion.

" Are you awake?" A soft voice surprised her, looking over her shoulder she realized that the Judge was standing in the doorway to her bedroom; she was naked covered only by the sheet.

" Just a minute, I will get dressed." She fumbled, dragging the sheets up to cover her better.

" Don't bother, I have the same parts. If it wont bother you too much just pull the covers up." Amy Williams made her way into the room to sit on the far side of the bed.

Catherine carefully made sure she was properly covered and then rolled herself over, though it took some effort. The stern woman sitting on her bed had a softness now that she was away from the bench; her eyes were not as harsh. She still felt a little uncomfortable, she had been in her court room many times to testify and watch as cases were brought to a finish. If she worked the case she always attended the trial, no matter whether she was testifying or not; it was a personal protocol. Judge Amy Williams often handled the cases she worked and was known to be fair in signing off warrants; even reaching out to trust the CSI's working the case even though it was the cops offering the paper. Why the woman was in her bedroom she couldn't figure out.

" No one deserves what you have gone through, but then no one else would be able to handle it and stand up to face the world again; let alone the man who did it. Don't say it was your job preparing you, and don't say it was for your own closure; trials don't do that. Verdicts bring closure, only the words, seeing the perpetrators again only brings up pain.

There are things that you face when you sit in the court room and hear them talk about you as the victim that you cant explain; family doesn't get it. It isn't closure you feel, its hate and the desire not to feel it. It is the fear you aren't strong enough and the anger at yourself for not bouncing back; we don't feel the same as most victims.

We see in day in and day out, we deal with death and people who do atrocious things. That doesn't make us immune when it is our own bodies violated but it does make us react differently; especially if there are hormones pumping. What you did today, and yesterday is proof that you can not only survive but you still touch lives.

Catherine when you walked into that court house yesterday with your head held high and you testified when they were throwing barbs you weren't doing your job. You weren't being tough and you weren't coping. You were standing up for every victim that has not been able to have their voice heard, not had the courage to attend the supposed justice that brings them closure, or to even speak. Your job didn't prepare you for that, and neither did the DA.

You faced down not only a coworker or a serial killer but a stereotype; you have faced it down in how you lived your life. I've been on the bench twenty one years and I have never seen it, this afternoon I received a phone call from a group that had gotten together to watch the proceedings; you testified in each of their court rooms at one time or another. Unanimously they said they have never met a person like you or even heard of one, it is one case we are happy will be in the media for a long time to come.

CSI's are human as we all are, they are as uncomfortable with death and dying as we all are. They do not know how to deal with the families, the ones left behind or even the one who are permanently harmed. That has always come up in every investigation, it is the silent closure rarely given because no one knows how. Court does not give closure, but a case never solved can be closed for the family even if by law it never is; I never believed it until I saw it.

It was a case years ago, the girl was gone and everyone knew she was dead but there was no way to find her. A brave young CSI understood that, understood even with a confession the case would be shaky at best; with a good lawyer shot. She didn't focus on the perpetrator she went to the victim's family and closed it backwards. Then used her street smarts to close it, used the things she learned guiding the family through the grief to make the man reveal things he never intended; things that wouldn't have come up if someone had made him blow up. She navigated through his head in a way that many never would have. He was never pinned for murder, only for kidnapping and crossing state lines; the victim's family saw him led away in cuffs.

Over the years there have been other cases, other techniques and tricks but a few things have always stayed, even when there have been no answers. She may not have closed all her cases but in a way she gave each family, each victim a voice and a reason to rest; whether that was peace of mind or soul. The thing is, she never did it thinking anyone noticed or cared; she kept up a tough front when confronted.

She also never gave up, whether it was the rapist that was never put away or the Jane Doe never given the dignity of being valued. In the lab no one saw it, in autopsy only one did and in the court room it was always on display for all to see; but few noticed. Until suddenly she was the victim and people poured out of the cracks, people touched by the tough CSI they really didn't know. Some were surprised to learn of her past, some were surprised to learn that it was her coworker who did it; but they all wanted to talk to her one more time.

No one felt you would be up to the masses, that's why the media ban was lifted for the trial and case pushed through so quickly. Not one but hundreds went to see the mayor, the lab director, the council man and even some senators; they decided to answer with respect her privacy. To them that meant leave her alone.

But then you spoke up and that changed everything, it is going to change things to come as well. Yet in all of this it is still as you always made it; about others. Its not really about you, its still about all of them; you are still the last one you consider. It doesn't occur to them that you are in nearing the end of your seventh month of pregnancy, that you have physical and psychological issues to face. That's because you let them see you as a human who cared, cared about them; you showed them how tough you were in reaching beyond the norm.

Now it comes back as that is all they see, they see themselves standing beside the strong person who helped them through the hardest times in their lives; see themselves standing up for justice. They don't see a woman who needs to come to terms with things in her own life. Or a pregnant newly wed who is facing a family all over again.

It is though something you needed to know, it may have caused some embarrassment through out law enforcement and the lab but it is bringing about a change. It is also being kept out of your face because of the sheer masses." The woman paused for a long moment and Catherine shifted, she had no idea what to say; she hadn't really notice what the woman was describing.

When the woman reached across and laid a hand on her stomach Catherine looked into her eyes; there was something intensely awkward about it. " You are going to bring this child into the world and then people will see, you are something more than the CSI. They will again see the side of you that cares for other but also realize that their hero is just like them. Maybe, just maybe it will inspire a few more people to live life to the edge and forget the norm."

" I never intended any of that." She replied softly, there were tears in Amy's eyes; some how this was personal for her.

" That is what made it happen though. Your character testimony, no matter how many times I hear it or hear defence attorneys try to shred it, inspires me. Not because someone pointed out to me what you do but how you give it; there is no shame in your past because it built you. Now it is what is pushing you to survive. I admire that."

" You're wrong, my past. It doesn't push me to survive, it has made me strong enough to know I have to survive but it doesn't push me to do that. My husband pushes me to survive, my daughter pushes me to survive; and a few good friends stand with them." Catherine found her voice at that.

" I'd believe it, I may have fudged the truth with your husband earlier. Not a lot but just enough to shake him." The judge admitted, Catherine could see her composure coming back; she didn't want to push it away again but she was curios.

" He'll survive. Can I ask what makes this personal? You came for a reason other than as a spokes person." She asked quietly, unsure what she was going to hear.

" I came because years and years ago you went down to the storage lockers and picked up a Jane Doe cold case; attempted murder and rape. You were young and new so when I was notified that it had been made active again I didn't think anything of it; it was a old old case and no seasoned investigator had solved it. It was one of, I later learned, many you picked up over the years; not the first or the last. The fact you took the time to go down and choose a random case to work first put you on my radar. The fact you kept it open and plugged away at it whenever you had time made me think.

But after a year of it being open, every now and then I would hear from Jim Brass that you had made a small step or looked into something, you found the man who did it and closed my case. Yet I didn't even see all that you did, it was a older judge, one who knew you thought she hated you who realized what you did. When I went to her to seek comfort she pointed out what you do and told me to listen and watch; from that day until this one I have." The woman's voice faded as her mind went back to a painful time; Catherine's thoughts were scrambled.

" I've only ever done my job, the way I think it should be done. I am glad though that you got closure; cold cases have always bothered me." She replied softly, slowly the woman's words were starting to sink in and she felt her cheeks flush.

" It means something to a lot of people." The woman's hand slid up her arm, Catherine knew the woman was reaching for human contact but she was hyper aware of her state of undress and the professional relationship between them.

She stuttered a moment trying to find words, wishing this would fade away; especially now that the baby was starting to kick. A part of her wanted the child out now, early or not; it would be one more step towards normal.

" You hoping for a boy or girl?" The judge asked softly, her hand moving back to her lap as her eyes tracked Catherine's hand.

Suddenly realizing where her hand had gone she smiled, Lou was right; she did have tells. " Personally a girl, I know how to deal with them and I've already got one almost grown. But Lou is hoping for a boy, not that he says that, its just in the little things; he is looking forward to chasing a rascal around. We didn't want to know the gender."

" Its nice to have a surprise, though it may make it hard to get clothes ahead of time." The woman smiled softly, and Catherine relaxed; this was comfortable conversation.

" No, Lou has decided we like orange, I think he has a slight preference. But the nursery is done, its blue and orange; it looks good. Although I don't know when the baby will start sleeping in there; I'd like to have it in here with us for the first little while." She gestured to the spot on her side of the bed, it was open enough for a little crib; or play pen.

" That might be nice, especially if you have the baby here at home. You will need some after care and the baby can stay right there near you. I hope there will be no complications." Amy settled back, no longer sitting on the edge of the bed but more comfortably; like she had been there before.

" I do too. I think it is going to come early though, I can feel it. I really hope it is a healthy weight. There is so many things that could go wrong that I wonder if it was even a good idea to keep it. I don't know what it will do if the baby has a disability or something that was impacted or caused because I'm to old to have any business having a baby." She sighed, the worries she was afraid to share with Lou, he worried over her health and the consequences from the surgery but not what her age and her body could do to the child.

" You are following your heart and the baby will be just fine. Trust that. If anything is wrong you will handle it the same as you have everything that has come at you." Amy's voice was reassuring.

" I don't want to have to handle things any more. I don't want to stand against everything. I want to raise a healthy, happy confident child with my husband. I want to get old in the arms of the man who hasn't given up on me. I want to feel safe." Suddenly it bubbled up, she did not like it when things hit to close to her heart.

" I know. Everyone deserves that. I am glad you, of all people has found that and I truly do hope it all works out." Amy answered quietly.

Their conversation moved through topics quickly, Catherine tried not to find it strange that someone she barely knew that morning had reached out and touched her so deeply. Later she was still laying in bed, facing Lou who had relaxed in sleep; she did feel safe.

It was late, or early depending on how the time was considered but for now she couldn't sleep. Her mind was working over time. By the time this child was born, and old enough to stay with someone else for a long period of time she would have been away from the lab for almost two years. She would be out of touch with her team, the work and her resiliency. She wondered if she should go back.

Eventually she would get tired of being at home, even with a adventurous toddler, Lou would be working and Lindsay would be in her final year of college. She would need to do something with her time but she wasn't sure the lab was the right place to go.

Not that she really wanted a career change, she just didn't know that she wanted to be that tough any more; she didn't want to make it not get to her. She didn't want to work the scene of a child and feel that ball of worry in the her stomach turn over as her own children flew to mind; even if Lindsay was grown. Maybe what people were telling her was what she should confront, it was not new to her; she remembered when she had first started at the lab.

The end of the last year they had to go to the other side of the school and watch med students on their way to becoming doctors preform dissections. That had been hard but after she had talked to many of the students, and over the years the cases she worked in the hospitals the realization had hit her slowly. There was not one profession in the world that was able to comfort the people who lost ones they cared about, not one that accepted life was finite; it would all end one day. To accept that was to bridge the barrier between the dying and the grieving; to offer true comfort before it is to late or over. Maybe somewhere there was where she was meant to be, she had been put at death's door and she was accepting that; she could use it to move forward.


	31. Chapter 31

**So I found a mistake in my research and when I looked into it found one of my sources to be wrong so there is slight back pedalling in this chapter and the one to come. Sorry about that. **

She could feel his hands on her belly, she was bored to death and he was fast asleep. Lou had reduced his hours to part time but he was still away a lot and she was confined to bed. Her body was now agreeing with the doctor and her husband as any movement tired her out and some even sent pangs of pain through her. Her core muscles had never had enough time to strengthen.

It had been almost five weeks that she was confined to bed, people had been in and out; mainly Wendy and Sara. Gil had come with her a couple times but he hadn't seemed to know what to say and his silence had hurt more than if he had looked at her like a specimen. She had a feeling it was partially blame, at least from what Sara had said; he had been the one to first bring Ray in to the lab. She wished people would move over that, she had accepted it and was sick of hearing about it. Everyone had regrets, but until the day she collapsed in autopsy no one had any proof and so they had done the right thing and tried to accept him.

Catherine sighed, she needed to wake Lou for work soon and then get her lap top and do something for the day; she had been quietly researching something that had been nagging at her mind. She hadn't really talked about it with Lou yet, partially because he hadn't asked but mostly because his focus was where it should be; on the arrival of their child. She didn't want to put one more thing on his mind when she wasn't even sure herself.

Finally she felt the baby giving its early morning kicks, it was up for the day. She felt as if she knew the child well, it had developed habits and patterns in its movements. She wanted to meet the little one soon.

Taking the hand that rested on her stomach she lifted it and kissed his palm; they each had a way to wake the other up. She always knew where his hands would be and that he liked it so that had become hers; he preferred to try and annoy her by nipping. She had no real intention of admitting she liked it but she did in a way, mostly because it was him. This morning he didn't want to wake up, she kissed his palm again; this time she got him. She heard a deep groan before his hand slipped hers and her face was pressed back to the pillow; she smiled.

" No, you need to get up. C'mon Lou." She pushed on his shoulder to get him moving. As he rolled out of bed she got herself up slowly.

She let him help her down the stairs, that had not been a thing that agreed with her body. She made them breakfast as he meandered around the house, then after they ate he took her back upstairs and instructed her to stay in bed; as he did every day. Then he left, Catherine just curled around her computer, waiting for the day to pass and the baby to tell her to go to sleep.

The phone rang and she glanced to the bedside table, for once it wasn't there; it was across the room. Slowly she made it over to the table by the door way, who ever was on the phone was either persistent or knew she was the one chasing the phone. She heard the machine click on and realized it was Wendy, the lab tech was there all the time; she wanted to come over.

Interrupting the machine she caught the end of the call. " Yes, please. I think Lou left the back door open; if not call again but you will have to wait awhile."

" Okay, no problem." Came the peppy reply, she knew the brunette tech was likely only a couple hours off of work; she appreciated the attention.

Putting the phone down she felt a pang through her back, standing straight she realized she had felt it before but it had been muffled; she wasn't sure if it was the baby or not. It didn't feel right but it didn't come again.

Just as slowly as before she got back to the bed, closing her laptop she hid the site she had up; it was about end of life care. Slowly she was getting somewhere, in every meaning of the word. Still it was progress and she had found that there was very little about it and on it.

" Hey Catherine, Lou did leave the door unlocked. You upstairs?" Wendy's voice reverberated through the house.

" Yea, come up." She called back, feeling another pang; it wasn't right. It wasn't like the cramps from before, it felt like a contraction. Still she reached for the bottle of pills for when the cramps came and downed one; she did not want a fake alarm.

" So, how have you been?" Wendy came into the room and wrapped her arms around her for a quick moment, Catherine hugged her back and then smiled as the brunette flopped out onto the bed beside her.

"I've been okay, I'm ready to have this baby though. How was work?" She shifted to lay on her side, accidentally ending up pushing Wendy over; she was relieved when the girl just laughed.

"How close are you?" Wendy put a hand on her stomach and pushed her back gently, she just smiled ; relaxing that her friend wasn't bothered by it.

"Soon, three weeks left if I am that unlucky. Although everyone else hopes I'll go to term, I just don't feel it." She sighed, and suddenly felt a harder pang, she saw Wendy had felt it too.

" I don't think that was the baby kicking." The brunette raised her eye brows.

" Its not, I think its the cramps again, they have been coming on and off since the day at court. I took the pill so it should stop." she gestured to the pill bottle, Wendy reached across her to grab it; the girl knew medications.

She watched the girl analyze it, and felt something in her sink. "Catherine, I don't think taking this is the best idea; even if your doctor says to. If you go into labour its going to speed it along but keep you numb; its not really a good idea to have any kind of muscle relaxer this close."

" Maybe at the time it was the best plan, Dana probably just forgot about it; I just assumed she meant take them up until delivery." She replied, Wendy gave her a sceptical glance before checking the scrip.

" Eight weeks, this many pills on an as needed basis? Catherine think about it, you were intended to take them up to delivery. The muscle relaxers take away your warning time. Even if there are the concerns with your health it should be an epidural to relax you, once you are in labour." The brunette set the pills back and Catherine tried not to feel a little hurt, she knew Dana was trying hard but in truth the doctor wasn't in her element; she may have made a mistake. Part of the reason she had stuck with her doctor was fear of someone new, then there was the older connection; in a way she wished Wendy had missed that detail.

" I want to deliver my baby med free if I can help it; no matter my health. I am fine." Her body instantly protested that lie with a stronger pang; Wendy was right the pill had not been a good idea.

Still she wasn't about to let the medication make her worry to much, right now it was on her mind; she just wouldn't take any more. It would wear off soon, it was not meant to last long; she knew that much.

" Okay. Anyway, shift was slow at the end, for me. Hodges was about ready to die, and your husband might be the one to kill him. Nick needed help on a scene so he took Hodges into the field with him; to Lou's scene. It was entertaining and I only got to hear about it. I really don't get the sense Lou liked the cat either." The girl grinned, and Catherine knew she was going to have to wait to get full details, but if it had upset Lou she would hear; in detail and at length.

" You pulled a double and now your here? What was the case?" That at least would give her a heads up on his mood, he had probably just got there; she had never under stood why they staggered lab and PD shifts.

" Yea, but I had the weekend off before and all I did was sleep. Biker found dead in his apartment after several weeks. Not nice. Lots of trace, not so much DNA. Greg had a case with DNA though, he is still chasing strippers all across town; and none of them want to be found. Bachelor party went wrong, everyone was teasing him that he got it." Wendy grinned, as her hand came back to Catherine's stomach; she knew what the brunette was trying to monitor.

" He would, so Lou is not only going to be in a foul mood but he is also going to stink; great. He is so showering in Lindsay's bathroom." She rolled her eyes but was serious, the smell of decomp would undoubtedly make her nauseous.

" He wouldn't have been working near the body though." Wendy tried to reassure her but this time it didn't work; Wendy had not spent enough time around decomposing bodies.

" He wouldn't have to, as long as he was in the apartment he is going to wreak. I'm assuming its a nasty part of town? He wouldn't have left a CSI alone there, especially not with a tech who doesn't really have much field experience and the name David Hodges." She stated, feeling a stronger pang run through her.

" He really isn't that bad, he means to be a nice guy; he just has an ego." The tech started to defend and then just trailed off, everyone knew that she was seeing him; even if some had heard three months late via the grape vine. " Catherine I just felt you clench up again, if you only took one of those pills it will be starting to wear off. Are you sure you aren't in labour?"

" I don't know." She knew her voice was weak, that one had hurt fifty times more than the others; Wendy was right. " I was stupid to take the pill this close..."

" No you were doing what you thought was right, now c'mon get on your back so that you can relax. I'm going to call Lou and your doctor; do not have that thing until someone who knows what they are doing gets here." Wendy crawled frantically off the bed and jumped for the phone; flipping through the sticky notes on the table beside it.


	32. Chapter 32

She heard the rushed message to Lou, and then the finagling with the secretary at the doctors office; it did not sound hopeful. After a moment Wendy gave up and came back to her, her stomach was doing summer-salts; at least it was early on. Suddenly that thought slipped away from her; her water had broke.

" Ah, no. Um Catherine?" Came a strangled response from Wendy.

" I don't know if I can promise not to have this baby soon. That was my water." She tried to take a deep breath and quell the panic jumping.

"Its okay, its okay. Um, kay. Lets get you of the bed and I'll change it and get you fresh clothes then we can get you comfortable. I hope they get here fast." Wendy mumbled, Catherine let the girl help her off the bed and watched her strip it quickly; even though the tech was panicky she was efficient.

"What did Lou say?" She felt another contraction rip through her, they were regular and close now; she had a bad feeling she had been in labour since this morning.

" He is at a scene, he is going to pass it off and come as soon as the new detective arrives but its the newbie on day shift so he can't just leave. Don't worry he will get here, I'm not so sure about your doctor but its all going to be fine." Wendy had got the mess balled onto the floor and new sheets on the bed, Catherine watched her dash into the bathroom and reappear with a whole stack of towels.

"Can you get one of Lou's t shirts?" Catherine asked quietly, her clothes felt wet and sticky, she wanted out of them; and something that smelled like her husband sounded comforting.

"Okay, uh you need to strip." Wendy stated, standing in front of her holding a big LVPD t shirt.

"I know. I'm sorry, I never..."

"Don't be, I'm just glad you weren't here alone. Plus if no one gets here I'm going to be the one to deliver your baby and I can torment everyone at the lab while you hide out with it and your husband." Wendy cut her off and leaned in for a hug, Catherine hugged her back tightly.

"Right, just promise me you won't send me to the hospital; if I need to go let Lou make that call." She let Wendy help her to the middle of the bed and lifted her hips so the girl could place a pad of folded towels underneath.

"I wont promise but I will try. I know you don't want to go to the hospital. You rest few minutes, I'm going to look up some stuff on delivery so we can figure out how long you'll be and whats happening." Wendy told her, Catherine watched as she opened the laptop and got online; flipping to a search page without glancing at the page previously opened.

"Lindsay was four hours from the first time I felt a contraction. She came early too." Catherine gritted her teeth against another contraction, it was strong enough to force her breath out.

" Okay, uh, I have no idea how to check how dilated you are, uh I will try and call the doctor again." Wendy fumbled, nerves clear in her voice as she went back for the phone.

Catherine tuned out the phone conversation as soon as she knew it was going no where and tried to remember what she had read and what Lindsay had been like. She had been alone at the hospital that time, it hadn't taken long before she had felt the need to push down and after that it had been quick; she remembered having something for the pain though. She remembered cursing Eddie's existence and then holding Lindsay; some poor nurse had lent her hand for crushing.

"Catherine I gotta look, I don't think that doctor is coming any time soon but I am going to make a couple guesses. First you are always early, second the meds hid your warning time and sped it a long; third I'm going to end up delivering this little thing and I have no clue what to do." Wendy crawled across the bed and knelt between her knees, if she wasn't fighting both panic and a contraction she might have been embarrassed.

"Its okay, just we gotta watch that it keeps moving along and the scar doesn't split. Lou will get here and Dana will too. Ah, I feel like I should push down, can you see the head or anything?" Catherine groaned as her body clenched down.

" Yea, kind of, I guess this is what they referred to as active labour; after it is delivery. Lou had so better get here. Can you keep your knees up? It looks like that lets the baby slide a little; or it just opens you up." Wendy lifted her knees as the slumped, the contraction had passed.

" That feels better anyways." She panted, she would believe it was active labour; it hurt. Having her knees up relaxed a little bit of the tension she felt.

Suddenly they both heard a door slam and then the stairs being taken at a rapid pace. Wendy smiled. "Lou is here Catherine."

"I know." She let her head fall back against the pillow as she heard him enter the room; it was going to be alright.

"Ugh, Catherine was right you do stink." Wendy wrinkled her nose as Lou made his way across the room.

" You would know, Hodges had to freak the damn cat out and scare it into running through the scene; anyone else would have just taken a deep breath outside. How long has she been in labour? Where's the doctor?" Lou rolled his eyes ditching his jacked and coming to the bed just as Catherine wretched.

" She wants to stay here, I have no clue where the doctor is or what she is doing but I don't care and I think Catherine may have been in labour all morning. With everything that has happened her pain tolerance is high, her stench tolerance, not so much; I don't think she can stand the smell of you." Wendy pushed herself up her hands resting on Catherine's knees.

" I'll go take a quick shower but I don't want to miss it." She saw him freeze, between turning to the bathroom and crawling on the bed.

"Go, if you hear me cursing your needed. There is lemon stuff under the sink." Catherine heaved, her body tightening again; just having Lou in the house helped.

He was gone quickly and returned not five minutes later, snagging the phone on his way past. He tried the office but got sent straight to voice mail it was lunch time, she had guessed that. The cell number came up empty too and had Lou swearing; she had resolved herself to the fact they weren't getting through.

" Hey, hon how can I help you?" Lou's hand slid into hers, she smiled as she felt his attention focus onto her.

" When she pushes she sits up, you wanna get behind her; then she can talk to you too." Wendy told him as Catherine gritted down again.

She felt him lift her shoulders and slide underneath her so her head rested in his lap, she sighed as his fingers began to play in her hair. He pulled back the sweaty strands and gently untangled it, she looked into his eyes; he was excited.

" I think that the head is coming down. Push hard." Wendy's hands were on her knees as the girl tried to figure out what was happening from what she had read. "It's coming, it right here."

"I can feel it. I know its there." She groaned, her hands clenching Lou's legs on either side of her. As the next contraction arrived she pushed again, gasping as a burning sensation ripped through her; Lou was stretching up behind her.

"Cath, the head is out, you're almost there baby; we have a baby." His smile was bright and for a moment she returned it. " Breathe out honey, its going to come again, it should be easier now."

She nodded and pushed down hard again but as soon as it rolled through her body slumped, and it came again; over and over again. Lou had shifted so he could see and her head had come to rest by his right him; her husband was like a boy watching his child come into the world.

" It should be here in the next push Catherine; its almost free." Came a strangled gasp from Wendy, she sighed, one more was not really what she wanted to hear. Still as a contraction rolled through her she pushed hard; this time she felt it.

" Its out, is it okay?" She wanted to hear the little one cry or something; she had felt it slip free of her body.

"Yes, just a minute. I gotta do something about the cord, are you going to cut it Lou?" Wendy asked, looking up nervously.

" I, yes, I can't reach; put it on Cath." He squeezed her arm.

" Okay, here; they were all I could find in the bathroom." Wendy lifted the baby onto Catherine's stomach; her eyes locked on the little bundle wrapped in a towel.

Lou reached over her to take the scissors and find the tie around the cord; she watched as he cut the baby's last connection to her body. Carefully she pushed the edges of the towel back, wanting to see the little face. Her arm came around the child so it didn't slip down; the towel was absorbing the fluid on the baby. Carefully she wiped the baby's eyes and mouth; little hands squirming free of the towel. Lou offered her a dry towel and she gently shifted the tiny bundle into the fresh towel.

"Lou its a girl, she's a beautiful little girl." She whispered, her husband's hand covering hers.

"I know, Stephanie Kay is perfect." Lou replied, kissing her cheek; she turned and gave her husband a quick kiss.

"Uh guys, you think you can move off the bed? Its kind of a mess and so is Catherine." Wendy asked softly, her voice revealing she didn't know what to do.

" No, there will be more mess once the placenta comes and I need to check Catherine over too. I'm sorry; I was in surgery." Dana's voice came from the doorway.

"The placenta is here, but you are more than welcome to take over." Wendy crawled off the bed and let the doctor take her spot.

Catherine looked the lab tech up and down, the girl was covered in blood and mucus; she was instantly embarrassed. "You can take a shower, grab some clothes from the dresser; there are normal clothes in the bottom drawers. I'm sorry."

" Don't be but I am going to take you up on the offer." Wendy smiled before grabbing a towel to clean her hands a bit and then going to the dresser and heading off down the hall.

Catherine let her attention go back onto the baby as the doctor examined her; a part of her just wanted to fall asleep. She was in Lou's arms, the baby was finally in hers and life was going to become normal soon. Eventually the doctor instructed Lou to take her to the bathroom while she examined the baby.

Her husband carried her into the bathroom and gently washed her before wrapping her in a big towel; she gave him a questioning glance.

"I'm going to hold you while you feed little Stephanie." He smiled and scooped her up again, she got deposited gently on the floor while Lou changed the bed and then settled smack in the middle of it.

When the doctor finally handed her Stephanie she took the child and cradled her close. "She is seven pounds six ounces, she seems to be healthy and I've got her all set you will want to make an appointment with a pediatrician before she is two weeks. Catherine seems okay, there will be the general post pregnancy symptoms as your body gets back to normal but you should be fine; I'll stay for awhile just to..."

" I think everyone will be okay if you just go on, I'm sure you have a busy day and they've made it through the hardest part; Lou can keep an eye on Catherine." Wendy spoke from the door way, Lou's jaw moved silently but she put a hand on his leg and nodded. He had missed the early mix up and it wasn't that she didn't have faith in Dana but she would much rather be with friends; and this part she had done before.

" Okay, please let me know that you have found a doctor and pediatrician; I'll leave the paperwork here. You will need to sign it, fill out her name and submit it to the court for her birth record." Dana left as quickly as she came, Wendy came calmly into the room.

" You don't like her?" Lou asked, still clueless to why the lab tech had the edge in her voice.

" I don't dislike her but she is a surgeon not an OBGYN and she made a mistake that could have been very problematic. Anyways her pager was on her bag going off like crazy in the hall; she has an appendix to remove at Desert Palms." Wendy shrugged coming to sit on the edge of the bed.

" Thank you for staying with me Wendy, and for coming; I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't." Catherine took her friend's hand.

" I'm glad I did, but I do need to get home and get some sleep; I want to see this little one before I go though." She smiled and Catherine carefully offered up her daughter, still wrapped in a towel but now with a hat too.

" She is gorgeous, beautiful little thing, I wonder what colour her hair will be? I think she wants her mommy." Wendy cooed as the baby started to fuss; finally a sob cut through the room.

" I guess she does have a set of lungs; maybe she feels its time for her first meal." Lou chuckled, his face alive with excitement.

" Maybe, I'm going to go but at some point I will be back. I'll also keep my mouth shut around the lab, although it may have spread because Lou left." Wendy stood and started to leave, Catherine settling Stephanie back in beside her.

" I'm just going to walk her out Cath, I'll be right back." Lou whispered and kissed her cheek before getting up and taking a few steps to catch up to Wendy.

She heard them talking as they made their way down the stairs, she sighed heavily; it was over. Her baby was here now and the last mark of what Ray had done was finally closed to heal. Catherine leaned down and kissed her daughter, this little miracle had no connection to what had happened; she was just to precious.

" Hey Stephanie, its Mommy. I love you so much." She cooed softly at the baby, her heart jumped as little eyes came to focus on her; little hands reached up and patted her chest. " Does someone know my voice already? You've been listening to it for awhile. I think you want to eat but you just need to wait a minute. Daddy wants to see his little girl eat her first meal; he has been waiting to meet you. Can you wait for him"

She felt tears in her eyes as the little baby squirmed, the little thing was trying to get closer to her. Gently Catherine brought an arm around her and pulled her snug against her chest earning a tug on a lock of hair that had been over her shoulder. " You are going to be trouble aren't you? Here let mommy fix the pillows so we can sit up and be ready for daddy."


	33. Chapter 33

Getting one of the pillows positioned behind her she pulled herself up to sit with her back against the head board. As soon as there was space between them Stephanie started to fuss. Quickly Catherine pulled the other pillow into her lap and carefully lifted the little girl onto it; settling her close to her breast.

Opening the towel she revealed one to the baby; not offering it yet. She cooed gently at the little girl, really wanting Lou to come back to see; he had said he wanted to multiple times. " Daddy will come soon, you need to be nice to him; he likes to talk to you. He has been calling you naughty names since you started kicking me, I hope you aren't going to be a little trouble maker like he thinks."

" Oh yes she is, I'm going to be chasing her all over in a few years. Is some one thinking mommy should dish up?" Lou came back into the room swinging the door shut and joining her on the bed; his hands angled her so her back was resting against him.

"Don't refer to it like that." She rolled her eyes at him before pulling their daughter in and teasing the nipple into her mouth. Using her hand to hold her breast in a position where Stephanie could just rest with it in her reach until she figured out what to do with it.

"Let me, you just rest." His hand came around her back and took the place of hers, she let her head fall back against his shoulder. Finally she felt the little girl start to suckle, as the child got a taste she quickly became greedy. Eventually Lou shifted her to the other side and then she was finished, he left for a moment and when he came back Catherine saw he had a diaper and sleeper from the nursery. Gently they dressed their child and tucked her into the little crib by their bed. " Its time for you to sleep Catherine; I'll take care of all of everything else. If she fusses I have no doubt that you will hear her."

She watched him check Stephanie one last time before picking up the bundle of laundry and heading for the stairs; she burrowed under the blankets.

She woke later to a combination of feeling someone's eyes on her and her stomach growling; looking up she found Lou perched on the edge of the bed, Stephanie was in his arms playing with the edge of her blanket. Seeing she was awake he offered over their daughter and then climbed over her to lay down on her other side; Stephanie in between them.

" Hey pretty girl." Catherine called her daughter softly, elated to see the little girl turn her head to look at her. " What are you thinking? Do you need to be changed pretty soon?"

" We've already taken care of that, earlier she was thinking she should eat again. Someone was waiting for mommy to wake up, I don't think I've gained the points yet; she wasn't even fussing." Lou reached across and looped his hand over her hip, talking to the baby as he pulled her closer.

" How long did I sleep?" She looked over her shoulder and slumped; Stephanie was undoubtedly hungry again. Pushing the blankets down off of her Catherine sat up and snagged her pillow, setting it on her lap she took Stephanie from Lou; she knew what to do.

" Someone was definitely interested in eating, must be good stuff. Once she's done I've got some stuff made for you." Lou rolled off the bed and went into the bathroom, returning with her robe in hand; she hadn't worn that in months. " I also called around and found us a pediatrician, Dr Esther Clark, Ecklie recommended her awhile ago; he has been very nice to me. Seems to know I actually have some swing with you, wish the guys would get that."

" They just don't get how much I love my pup." She teased him, fully aware of how the guys hassled anyone who worried about their wife; didn't help that they all knew her.

" Right, well I was busy, and do not call me pup; bad enough I have to hear it at work. Oh and as for work no one knows little Missy is here yet but I am on leave and Wendy is going to keep her mouth shut. I think you should go into work on the eighteenth or so with her and see what people do." Lou teased, enjoying the idea of playing a trick on their co workers.

" Maybe, or we should wait a little longer and just have everyone out here. I don't suppose you made an appointment with my doctor?" She asked softly, referring to her family doctor from long before all of this, even though she hadn't been there since her annual at the first of the year.

" Yes I did; first of next week at ten, I guess next time we should let her know when your pregnant; that was not a good surprise." Lou grimaced and she had no doubt that Kelly had given him an earful, the girls would have put him though just to hear the lecture he would get; that doctor had been working on her since before Lindsay.

" I doubt it, and there is not going to be a next one. I'm to damn old. She wont hate you forever, she hated Eddie from the time she first met him when I went in for my exam to get the job at the lab." She switched Stephanie to the other side and the little girl set in again.

" I know but you looked good pregnant and I wouldn't mind trying to do it for awhile." He teased, a guilty look in his eyes; she knew where his mind was.

" You have to wait awhile but then we can try as long as you want but its not going to happen." She tilted her head to kiss him, her poor husband was feeling neglected.

" I know, you need time to heal and this little one needs to spend some more time in the world. She seems kind of quiet though." Lou's finger gently touched her little cheek, slipping a finger into a tiny fist; he was so sweet with her.

" Enjoy it, I don't think it ever lasts. She is a good little baby, she eats well; no fussing." Catherine lifted her away as she finished, cradling her against her shoulder to burp her.

" Its time for you to eat." Lou held out his hands and she handed him their child, she slipped into the robe and tied it loosely. " You carry Stephanie and I'll carry you."

" I can walk, I think." She defended herself, her body ached but she wanted to be independent. Sliding to the edge of the bed she stood and tried to lead the way to the stairs. It hurt but she was going to do it; Lou pressed against her back.

" You have to make things difficult don't you." Lou whispered, his arm came around her and lifted her against her his hip; he was right.

" Fine." She sighed when he put her down before the stairs, she cuddled Stephanie into her arms as he scooped her up.

" Sweetie you just had a baby, you're holding her. She isn't even a day old and you want to be up and around. Its just not humanly possible; let me take care of my girls." He deposited her onto the couch and went into the kitchen.

" Daddy thinks he's a tough guy but you are going to have to learn to walk at some point to; he thinks I've forgotten how. He is silly but we love him don't we?" She cooed at the little girl who was staring up at her, the baby seemed content to be in her arms.

" Here is mommy's food. I'll take her." Lou settled down against the end of the couch and handed her a plate pulling her and the baby against his side.

He had made one of her favourites, a stir fry of veggies and chicken over pasta; she hadn't realized just how hungry she was. She had just taken a bite when Stephanie screamed, the little girl fussed loudly until she spoke. " What's wrong baby? Is mommy allowed to eat?"

" I think that would be a no. Stephanie, mommy fed you already; its her turn to eat. You were okay with me holding you before; whats wrong now." Catherine slipped in another bite as Stephanie cried again.

" You better be nice to your daddy little girl, he likes to hold you too. Mommy's not going anywhere." She soothed, hoping the little girl would calm down but this time it did nothing; she was in full fuss mode. " Want me to take her?"

" No, let me see if she will settle if I rock her a bit." She sat up as he stood, she watched him bounce and coo at the baby as she tried to eat; Stephanie just screamed more.

" Here let me see her." Catherine set her empty plate on the coffee table and reached for the crying baby; the sound of her child crying chilled her. Lou handed the baby over looking a little dejected. " What are you doing pretty girl? Daddy was playing with you, there is no reason to cry."

Lou came over and sat back on the end, reaching for her hips. " Up, c'mere I'll just hold both my girls."

She smiled and shifted into his lap, feeling his chin rest on her shoulder. Stephanie looked up at them and little hands reached for her. " What is baby doing, does she want to play?"

" I think she is going to be mommy's little girl." Lou teased as the little fist closed around a lock of Catherine's hair.

" She'll be daddy's too, just give her time. She needs to be nice to me after she kicked so hard for the past couple months. Don't you?" She leaned her head closer and the other fist found a lock of hair to grab, Stephanie made a contented gurgle.

" You've got your mommy good don't you?" Lou laughed, she smiled and lifted Stephanie towards her shoulder, releasing the tension on her hair as the baby settled against her shoulder; inches from Lou's face. A thought struck her suddenly.

"Did you call Lindsay?" Catherine felt guilty for forgetting her first child until now.

" Yes I did, but I told her you needed some time so she will be by after her work week is done. I think the camp has been good for her. She likes working with kids, its going to be good for her to get an idea of what it is like to do it everyday." Lou reassured her, his voice soft; he had developed an interesting relationship with her daughter.

" I know, I just miss having her here; she has gotten so busy. I don't want her to feel left out." Catherine sighed, relieved that Lou had been busy while she slept.

" She is growing up Catherine, she doesn't feel left out but she is plotting her own course. She knows you love her; she loves you a lot." Lou squeezed her side gently, she smiled. " I think someone is falling asleep."

Sure enough when Catherine looked down Stephanie's eyes were drifting closed and the little fists that had been gripping her hair were relaxed. Quickly shifting the girl to the cradle of her arm she snuggled the blanket it closer.

" Should we put the baby in bed and head that way ourselves? I'm sure we are going to be up a couple times before morning." Lou asked, his arms slipping around her in anticipation of her response. She just nodded and he lifted her up, his arms strong and safe, she let her head rest against him.

He carried both of them up the stairs and into the bed room, they settled Stephanie into her cradle and then she stripped off the robe and crawled in bed beside him; pressing her back to his chest. It felt nice, his arms closed around her. Her heart skipped a beat when he whispered . " Wake me if I don't hear her fuss." She smiled, she wasn't going to have to do the late night feeds by herself.

o0o

If you want chapters to keep coming up, I need to hear from you :) reviews make my day and it has been a long one.


	34. Chapter 34

She rolled over, her body felt better now; she had lost almost eighteen pounds since Stephanie was born three weeks ago. Her doctor said that was normal, she should expect it to go down but still fluctuate; still she had gained almost forty five pounds with the pregnancy. She was elated to have some of it off.

Stephanie's sob split the quiet in the room and she stretched, her baby probably wanted to eat again. All in all Stephanie was a good baby, she only cried if she wanted something, or if Lou was holding her and Catherine was available; she was doing better about that though. Catherine liked watching Lou care for her, his big hands were so gentle and cautious, every time he looked at the child there was pure adoration in his eyes.

Picking her up she opened her blouse and offered up the requested meal. Holding the girl steady she moved back to the bed and manoeuvred along on her stomach back to where her lap top was open. Laying Stephanie down she rested one hand under the girl's head to give her the angle to feed and went back to reading her article.

She had yet to broach the subject to Lou but had a feeling he would support her. Her research, though little, had proven that there was a great need for the understanding and acceptance of death. Even in palliative care centres nurses and doctors seemed to learn by experience, grief counselling seemed to brush over the topic and hospitals it seemed skewed. She knew that her research only provided an over view, she knew one woman could only do so much; but could start something. In a way she felt it was meant to be her.

Time and fire had proven to her she could handle it. Her research proved that the few who did venture beyond the unseen barrier left their marks in the lives of people; but their hands reached not far beyond those in their direct path. From what she knew she had felt herself and from what she had read a big part of it was the mindset.

It was about remembering people as individuals, not patients, cases or diagnosis's. But by name, by personality and by their family; the ones who carried on the memories and were touched by the life lived. It was a change in how society thought, how people lived as if life was infinite and choices could be bad but had little consequence. It was about accepting death and valuing new life, it was how her baby got the name Stephanie and maybe her first real lesson in mortality.

There were some events in her life that she would never forget, some were happy and some sad; some were personal but others shared. A part of her had began to sort and compartmentalize them a long time ago; the good ones had become the fuel that kept her going. The painful ones the reason she did not give up.

Stephanie fussed, Catherine switched her to the other side, adjusting her blouse accordingly. A moment later she felt Lou, his hands were on her hips as he slid up her body; she felt his weight pressing down. " I have Stephanie."

" I know, she's eating again isn't she. I just wanted to feel my wife under me again and damn its good." She heard the teasing in his voice, privately she agreed; he felt good. She squirmed as he played with her hair and nibbled her neck; this was the flirtation they had always had in bed.

Stephanie made a face as Catherine accidentally shifted the nipple away from the nursing baby. " I think some one could get bossy one day."

"Mhm, like her mommy can be?" Lou asked sweetly, she turned to give him a look but found his mouth on hers instantly.

"Real funny, I'm going to tell her to blame her daddy for that." She mumbled against his lips before clamping hers closed. "Uh I need you to get off I can't lay like this anymore; I think she is pretty much done anyways.

Lou rolled off her and she sat up pulling herself back off Stephanie who immediately reached up for her. Lou reached over to entertain Stephanie as she buttoned her shirt. "Somebody needs to be burped and then we can go play."

"Do you want to take her to the park? Its nice and warm out and you haven't been out of the house except for doctor's appointments. It would be a nice walk there and back." Lou asked sitting up beside her and snagging her laptop.

"Okay but she needs a jacket and hat. She is still pretty susceptible to any germs or the cold." Catherine stood, and brought Stephanie to her chest, heading to the nursery.

She did like the way Lou had decorated the nursery but Stephanie had barely spent any time in here; she felt a little bad. At least the decorating would last, as long as Stephanie was a little tom girl, if she was like Lindsay they would be repainting it some vibrant pink or purple in a couple years.

Laying the little girl on the change table she hunted for a sleeper she had got Sara to get for her without telling Lou; it was perfect. Changing her and settling her into the fuzzy jacket and matching hat she slipped the baby bouncer onto her shoulders and tightened the strap around her stomach so it was in the 'cuddle me position' then lifted Stephanie in and tightened it around her. She turned to find Lou watching from the door way, he was smiling.

" You two ready?" He offered her his hand and lead the way down the stairs to the front door, grabbing the diaper bag on the way.

It was a beautiful day out, but late enough in the afternoon that most people weren't off work yet and kids were in side or at their baby sitters still; they only passed two people the whole walk there. She smiled as she caught her husband, still holding her hand, watching their daughter's big green eyes take in everything.

Lou dropped the diaper bag by the edge of the sand pit and pulled her in to the swings, she looked around to see that the only kids seemed to be at the other end on the climbers. He dropped down onto one and pulled her in, once she was close enough she felt his free hand grab her hip. "C'mon Catherine, lets see if Stephanie likes the swing. She'll be safe between us."

Grinning like an idiot she found herself straddling Lou, his hands bringing her hips as close to his as possible before his arms locked around the chains on the swing and clasped behind her back. Stephanie was snuggled between them gurgling, she had a feeling it was that her daddy was suddenly blocking her narrow view of this big new world. Lou kicked off and they swung slowly back and forth, Stephanie gurgled some more and Catherine nuzzled her face down to her daughter's cheek, allowing the girl to get little fistfuls of hair. Pulling her hair seemed to be one of the child's favourite games. She was so precious, and funny by times.

" I think she is starting to fall asleep again." Catherine whispered at the little fists released her hair and tiny eyes began to drift closed; the rocking of the swing was probably responsible.

" She is going to have to learn to sleep more than three hours each nap if she is going to see much of the world. Should we head back?" Lou asked, when she nodded he used a firm grip on her hips to lift both of them up and off the swing; she was careful to get her feet under her immediately so she didn't need to lean into him for balance.

He immediately reached for her hand and she let herself get caught up in the moment of walking down the street with her husband; it made her feel like a teenager again. She walked with him for a while until they stopped at a corner and a police car drove by; the deputy waved at Lou. She wondered if he noticed the baby strapped to her chest, or if word had spread. " Lou, when are we going to take her to the lab?"

" I was actually wondering about whether we should or not. PD and the lab are both places I don't really want her to see right away. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to have a barbeque and have everybody to the house, we could work it so that Lindsay could be there too. Honestly I think word has gotten around that you've had her; I had to tell Ecklie when he called last week." His expression said that was the reason she hadn't heard about his call; her boss probably wanted to confirm her medical leave had ended and her maternity leave started.

"Lindsay was planning to be home Saturday, what if we had it that evening, if we made it earlier people could come whether they had to work or not." She put in, Lindsay had called yesterday and spent some time cooing at Stephanie over the phone; the baby hadn't known what to do about the weird voice.

"That sounds good, you want to tell Sara to pass it around and I'll get Brass to tell some people from PD?" He suggested as he unlocked the front door while she took the last few steps; her body was still out of shape.

"Sure, Sara is going to lecture me, I'm pretty sure the only reason I've been left alone so long is that she knows I was due and doesn't want to intrude."Catherine grinned, heading for the stairs to settle Stephanie in to sleep a bit longer before she woke wanting to be changed and maybe eat again.

Once Stephanie was settled she snagged the monitor and headed back down the hall to the office Lou had made out of the indoor balcony above the living room; across from Lindsay's old room. He had made his way up there, he was still working, in their own ways they both were, she still hadn't told him that her mind was almost made up.

Leaning down on his shoulders she read the title of the page, it was personal evaluations he had to do. He held up the phone and she nodded, leaving him to his work she called Sara to arrange for Saturday and get her ear blown off for not letting her know Stephanie had arrived.

She had chatted with her colleague for almost and hour Thursday, getting in trouble for not calling the day after her baby was born and hearing the latest news on cases; then getting the girl to invite everyone from the lab. Although Lou had put in to forget about Hodges, apparently not trusting the strange lab tech around his daughter; there had been a little bit of sincerity in his voice when he stole the phone.

Yet Friday had flown by as she tried to get the house cleaned up a bit, they had been leaving baby things everywhere as they tried to keep their daughter content. Lou had been out cleaning the grill earlier today while she sat with Lindsay and Stephanie watching the sisters get to know each other, a part of her wished Lindsay could be home more although she knew that would just make life crazier.

Still as everyone arrive she found her eyes following Lindsay as she goofed around with Greg and Stephanie who was passed from person to person.

Wendy sidled up to her with a grin, she was the only person who Stephanie hadn't fussed at when she got passed. " How are you doing?"

" Good, a lot better since you last saw me." She teased, that was very true.

" You look good and that little one is beautiful; she looks much better now that she has had a bath." Wendy joked.

" Yes, please tell me you just threw those clothes out? Lou just chucked the bedding and stuff. I'm so sorry you got covered in that. Uhg." She shivered, if it wasn't Wendy and she wasn't laughing she would have been embarrassed.

" Yes, I did. But if I ever decide I'm having a baby at home and you aren't my boss, heck even if you are; you get to be there." Wendy grinned, and squeezed her shoulder.

" Fair enough. Did anyone figure it out?" Catherine eased her way to the stairs and sat, Wendy taking the other side; every other seat seemed to be covered.

"I don't think so, there were lots of rumours but the lab has been fifty times worse for that since Ray was arrested." Wendy shrugged as Detective O'Riley came over and offered her Stephanie who was fussing unhappily.

The big man handed her the tiny baby and retreated back to a group of guys. Pulling Stephanie into her she cooed softly until the baby settled to watch her quietly. "Good. Lou said he had to tell Ecklie, I'm glad he didn't decide to come."

"Doubt Sara extended an invitation." Wendy smiled guiltily, the tech didn't want him here either.

"Oh well, I think there are more people here than Stephanie can handle anyways." She glanced down at the baby pushing at her breast, the little one just wanted attention; it was to soon for her to be hungry again.

o0o

in coming chapters there may be some scenes that some may not like, nothing overly graphic or that I think needs to be moved up to M but consider this warning.

p.s. sorry i didn't update yesterday but wor got out of hand and i didn't get home when i expected. you get a extra tonight.


	35. Chapter 35

Time had flown by, he loved being on leave and staying home with Stephanie and Catherine. His wife got hotter by the day as she was determined to loose the weight she gained during the pregnancy, not that he hadn't thought she looked good pregnant. Their little girl grew too, he sometimes wondered how Catherine even had any weight left with the amount the little girl fed; she still preferred feeding from her mommy to anything else they had tried.

He stood in the doorway watching as his wife teased Stephanie; Catherine's voice was full of love. " Does baby want to eat?"

"Nonoonono." Came Stephanie's eager reply, as the breast was bared. The favourite word she learned was 'no' but once she got it they heard it; over and over. Whenever they asked her a question the little girl went off first in a string of 'no's and then a lecture in baby speak, mostly just to hear herself talk. She had picked up a few other words but they only really heard them as teases.

" Well then, I can just put this away and you can eat some more peas. What do you think of that?" Catherine made a stern face at the little one who was reaching for the exposed breast she knew to contain something yummy. With a final chuckle Catherine lifted the little girl enough to get a hold of her prize.

He watched a moment, as Catherine's face shifted, the little rascal was getting teeth and had no problem using them on her mommy; he had yet to feel them. He tried not to be a little jealous as he watched little hands kneed the breast as Stephanie fed. He had to admit Catherine with big breasts was a turn on, the fact she really only wanted Stephanie to touch them a little bit of a let down. Yet even after almost seven months of watching he still go a little shock of excitement when ever they were in a private place and she bared herself.

He justified the thought with the fact he was a guy who hadn't slept with his wife in a year. But with Stephanie they had been so busy that when they fell into bed they were both gone and before that there had been Catherine's health to worry about. Now though the thought haunted him every once in awhile, but not like it had before; now there was a clean cut reason. He knew though that Catherine was just as sexual a being as he was and she too would eventually feel the need; that would be a wonderful night. For now though he contented himself with touching her and savouring the little surprised noises she made when his weight pressed into her or his hand wandered somewhere only he was allowed.

He had over the months of first worrying for her health and then celebrating their daughter come to think of her body very much as theirs, just as he hoped she felt about his. He loved having the privilege of undressing her and knowing that sometimes she dressed just for him; almost as much as when she let his hands wander. Lou was sure he knew her body best of all, he doubted that Eddie had taken the time to find the places she liked, or that any of her boyfriends before him had spent the time mapping the noises she made when his touches were innocent; he had a feeling some of them never even learned how much Catherine did like to be touched.

A soft scolding brought his mind out of his fantasies of his wife; apparently someone had bit down a little to hard. " That is not a nice thing to do you little rascal, mommy doesn't like to be bit. You are going to be weaned before you get to many more teeth because if not you are going to make me very sore."

" C'mon Cath, its one little tooth. Let the child learn." He teased, stepping into the room and moving to where she was sitting cross legged of the floor.

"Let her learn on you, if she nips you a couple times you'll change your tune; that little tooth is meant for business." She whined, making a face at the baby who was happily sucking back on the other side.

" I don't have anything that tastes good. That's your speciality." He told her sweetly, knowing she was going to glare at him.

" Hm, can you take her for awhile? I seriously need a shower." His wife looked up at him sweetly, he gulped; he would much rather join her.

" Sure, I'll read her a story and get her down for a nap. Then lets have some time?" He hoped she would agree, she was working on something but hadn't told him what it was; he trusted she would in time.

"Definitely, in bed?" She asked with a grin, she stood and he took Stephanie who was looking rather curiously at her mother who was making a beeline for the bathroom.

" Its you and me now trouble and one of us needs a nap." He told her in a mock serious voice, her hands went to her head and the little bit of dark hair she had there.

"Nono." Came a serious reply, he laughed; she was to cute.

"Yes yes. If you are good we will read the squirrel book and I'll make the voices mommy makes." He told her, scooping her up and heading downstairs to the corner of the couch they had been trying to teach her to sit in when they read.

He plopped her down and she blew him a wet raspberry while he hunted up the book. Blowing on her stomach until she started squirming and giggling he settled down beside her. " Excuse me Missy."

Showing her the book earned him another wet raspberry and some claps, slowly he flipped through the book pointing to the animals and repeating their names in silly voices as she grabbed for the pages and pulled on his arm. Once the book was done and back on the coffee table for bed time he scooped her up.

"Time for Stephanie, that'd be you." He blew on her stomach and then settled her on his hip. "To take her nap so Daddy, that'd be me." He tweaked her nose, she was watching for what he would do next. " Can spend some time with mommy." He took the stairs quickly and walked down the hall 'air planing' her to her crib and settling her on her back; she promptly rolled over. He rubbed her back for a few moments and then headed towards his bedroom.

Carefully shutting the door he turned up the baby monitor on the dresser so Stephanie's baby chatter filtered into the room and moved towards the bed; with a Catherine sized lump in the middle. Climbing carefully on he lifted himself over until he guessed he had himself lined up above her; slowly he let his weight down to rest. He moaned, he was lined up perfectly and the thin comforter did not make him wonder about the amount of clothing she was wearing; there was very little if any.

" You feel so good." He chuckled at her voice and pinned the comforter above her head as she tried to throw it down.

" You aren't going anywhere." Keeping one arm holding her hands and the comforter he reached down and began to pull it up from the bottom. Revealing silky legs he brought the comforter up to her waist and eagerly shed his jeans and boxers; sliding his knees under her hips. He felt her arms starting to tremble, he ducked under the comforter and slide up her body; throwing the top half down.

There was a hunger in her eyes he hadn't seen in a long time, deliberately and slowly he went for his favourite spot, watching her eyes darken in anticipation. He nibbled her neck, she arched beneath him, he was home the scent of his wife and her warm body reacting to him.

Slowly he made love to her, taking the time touch and kiss her as they both found release; as she came down he rolled them. Keeping his hips pressed firmly into hers so as not to loose the splintering connection. He felt her arms come around his neck as her head came to rest in the crook of his shoulder; her words tickled his skin. " I missed that."

" I did too. I love you." One hand slid from her hip up to the small of her back. She felt so good pressed against him.

" I think Stephanie is asleep, I hope she will sleep awhile and wake up for supper; she can stay up a little longer after. I want to stay here." She was craning her neck back and there was a smile curling at her lips; he leaned in and kissed her softly.

" Mhm, agreed. I can't believe I have to go back to work next month. Being home has flown by with you and Steff." He sighed, he did not want to think about that, but it would get her onto the topic of work and his curiosity was getting the best of him; knowing right now she would tell all.

" Are you really going to call her Steff now? Let her figure out what her name is before you shorten it. Don't think about work right now." She mumbled, their lips still semi locked.

"I like Steff, its cute. I will try but once she knows her name I'm shortening it; I know what it means." He turned his face from her, nuzzling her neck.

" It means life, innocent and new; it means hope." He heard a slight desperation in her voice, the first had struck home.

" It is also a memory, Catherine it is hope for your best friend; that someone will remember her. Someone will learn who she was, not of what she did. You can tell our little girl how brave she was, how she was strong and determined. How she defined you and made you who you are; made you a woman who could reach out." He pulled a string he knew others had been pulling since this started; it was in between the words she said when she told him if it was a girl her name had to be Stephanie.

" You aren't going to start on that too are you? I don't want to hear it any more, I'm thinking about it and some of it I see and some I don't. All I have ever done is my job and now I don't know how to do that. Lou it doesn't feel right now, it feels like there's something more." Suddenly her tone took something more, he had found the spot.

"I'm not going to start, Catherine I want you to follow your dreams. If you think there is something more then go for it. I want you to be happy, just talk to me." He asked, slowly pulling himself away, she let out a soft whimper as their connection slipped away; he felt the same. Carefully he rolled her and pulled her back, she snuggled into him pulling the pillow under her head.

" I never thought about any of it, I just did what I wish someone had done for me. I figured if for a few people I could be strong maybe there would be a reason for the pain I dealt with. But it became deeper than that.

When I saw a case I saw a family, people who were lost and who needed someone. The words we offer meant nothing to them, we don't even really care; we are desensitized. Its not just us either, every single profession that deals with death does it. No one gets real closure, no one knows what it is any more. People come to it on their own if they ever do. No one does anything about it. We just quick step around it and get past that part to get on with what we can do. They really don't need the person caught as much as they need someone to care about their loved one, to listen and sympathize and feel. They don't need a grief consular or victims services to tell them its all going to be okay, that its normal or any other bull, they need something more; I don't know.

I just know there is more,I've felt it when I lost Stephanie and Holly and Warrick. I talked to the grief counsellor and it did nothing, tried to talk at work to people I could see struggling and you know what I don't think I really realized it until now, but we cant deal with our own grief. We teach ourselves it is wrong, our job tells us we shouldn't or something; we push it back until it haunts us into retirement." The edge in her voice made his arms tighten around her; she had hit a nail on the head. He felt it too, he saw it in the department in a way; not clearly. But he could think back to times when they had lost officers and how everyone handled it. There were more fights, no one talked, the joking camaraderie they usually had went into non existence; the department was his little family. It would be the same in the lab, the same in any other work place at least to a degree; and much worse in a family.

He lay quietly thinking about it, she had said it very clearly and he knew where she was coming from. He also had a feeling what she expected him to tell her, even if she was trying to hide it; she expected to hear what she always did. No, just stick with what you're doing and leave that alone. But that wasn't what he wanted to say, he wanted to say he would support her and be there no matter what. He just didn't see exactly where she wanted to go, he had a feeling she didn't really know yet either. It was just how to tell her to go for it when he didn't know exactly what she was going for.

They lay together quietly for a long time, he kept her close, trying to silently tell her he just didn't know what to say but it was not no. He had no problem with her having dreams or plotting a new course, in a way he was glad it didn't sound as if she wanted to go back to the lab. He liked the freer Catherine that had emerged, it was a side he hadn't known when he first began to see her; then at that time he hadn't known much other than she was a warm body. He wanted her to dream and he was proud that she dreamed for others.

Stephanie's piercing cry told them that their baby was up. Catherine groaned, shifting in closer to him; she was comfortable. Lifting his head he glanced at the clock, it was definitely time to get up. Gently he kissed her cheek, trying to be slow about a process she wouldn't like.

"We gotta get up Cath, but later I want to hear more. I'm so proud of you." He reassured her gently, wishing he had the words to encourage her. He saw a smile break across her face as she slipped towards the other edge of the bed, heading to the dresser.


	36. Chapter 36

Catherine flipped through the pages of a photo album, it was photos from lab functions over the years. Stephanie sat in her lap, looking curiously at the pictures; the little girl seemed to like pictures of people. Suddenly she turned to a photo of her and Lou and Stephanie reached out for it, letting out a steam of baby chatter.

" Is that mommy and daddy?" Catherine asked her daughter, smiling as the little girl pawed the photo and looked up at her, it was so nice that Stephanie recognized the photo of them.

"Nonono." Stephanie replied happily, she laughed, Stephanie still could not say 'yesyes'.

Stephanie's fingers stopped over her face, Catherine slowly reached down and took the baby's hand away, gently she played with the delicate hand in her own. The photo was almost five years old, she had barely knew Lou then, at least compared to now. He had been one of many detectives she worked with, all she had known was he was brash and good looking; he seemed put together. That thought made her smile, not three years later they had slept together when both needed someone to hold.

That day she remembered clearly, the night not so clearly. They had caught a rough case, she had been stuck working it solo when Grissom dragged Nick off with him to a remote scene, sent Greg and Riley out to a messy double hommicide in the desert and left her to handle the murder of a child in Vegas. Lou had been the detective on the scene and the faces of the unis had warned her, he was in a foul mood and the scene was rough. Walking in it had grabbed her heart, she hadn't learned why it had been so hard on him until much later; the victim looked like his own son at the age of twelve. They had worked a double to prove the father had done it and finally got a confession but it had taken its toll.

Later that night she had found him in a bar, she had been hoping to drink away the day too. Slowly the alcohol had impaired her judgement and she had ended up going back to his, to spend the day up until she needed to go home to get ready for work. Yet it had somehow happened again. She remembered waking up each time with an arm clamped tightly around her body and his face buried in her neck. A few times he was still pressed inside her, laying on top of her; she had always felt safe in his arms.

It had only seemed to happen when he showed up, at first it was finding him lurking near her car at the end of shift and eventually he would turn up in the door way of her office or the break room. Until one day she needed it, she had just come off a case with Brass on a dead stripper. That case had hit a nerve and she had felt the pressure of her old friend not to get involved but she couldn't; if her career path hadn't been changed it could have been her.

Before she had left the French Palace she had been there long enough to get to know everyone's patterns and where the pressure came from. It was not from the manager but the bar tender and he had a nasty temper if he heard no to many times. She had never had the intention of opening up to anyone and neither had that girl; it had got her killed. The thought had made her physically sick and incredibly lonely, it had been her turn to reach out.

Somehow it had been her lucky weekend, both her and Lou had had the weekend off. She had expected it to be the night but he had stayed, he had listened and spent the next night; just holding her. When she had woken up the next morning something had been very wrong, at least in a sense; she was no longer in her room. He was no longer beside her and the way she was sprawled there would have been no space; she was on the couch in her living room.

She remembered hearing Lindsay laughing in the kitchen, something inside her had clicked and she felt dirty. She had been sleeping with a man just to have a someone make her feel beautiful, to enjoy her body and hold her; a warm body with her. She wasn't pursuing a relationship, she wasn't learning to love him; just using him. He was in her kitchen and making her daughter laugh, he had brought her downstairs so she wouldn't wake up alone and assume he left; he was a nice guy with a rough and tough mask.

He didn't leave, he gave her a plate when she came to the kitchen and sat across from her teasing her daughter until Lindsay's ride to dance showed up. Then he had taken her back to bed and made it impossible for her to walk straight for a week; but that warm ache reminded her of that night. How he had taken her, held her and pinned her on her back whispering 'talk Catherine'.

Somehow she had found herself spilling her guts to that man, telling him of her fears and her pain, the regrets and loneliness. There underneath him something had been born and slowly it had grown and over the course of time twisted into something she could not imagine living without. It had been hard by times and they had fought but even at their breaking points there was something simple and primal that joined them.

He had confronted her demons and made a safe haven for her, the sweet gentleman that had faced his own share of challenges that built the mask the department knew to be him. He had his own hurtful past but it had built him in the same way hers had built her and when put to the test they could stand the storm; together.

They had and as strange as it was she had found her peace with the storm; her baby had truly given that to her. The little child intended to add insult to injury was the peace she needed. She was a survivor, her husband was a survivor and so was their child; there was a reason somewhere out in the universe that it had happened to her. Someone else could have become another body or a traumatized victim who would never live out their life; but it had been her and because of that it had been ended.

The tiny hand in hers was a new beginning for them all, it had showed her and Lou different and long dead sides of each other; the parent in them. she had taken them both out of the world of death and gave them a chance to watch and help new life blossom. Yet that world, death, was where they both belonged and she knew that now; only now they had a balance.

Stephanie was a light in a dark world, a world she wished her little baby wouldn't have to know. Still everyday little hands discovered new things and looked up at her with bright excited green eyes; showing off her new prize. For now her baby was safe and innocent, there was time before she had to grow up to understand the pain and darkness lurking beyond the love of her family and friend who would do anything to protect her. There was time for the world to change, even if reality said it wouldn't; she would fight to be a part of it so her daughter would not have to know some of the things she did.

She was on a new path in life and she knew her husband was too. The album in her lap, the one her child pawed so happily represented the part of her past that taught her what strength was. The name of her child represented the past that taught her what it was to be tough and the childhood she would give this little girl, the one she had never really had, was where she learned street smarts and respect. The safety she felt in her heart and the pure love in the arms of Lou Vartann gave her the courage. It was time for her to use the lessons life had taught her and stand to the wind to see what she could do; time to step out of society's box.


	37. Chapter 37

**I'm not totally sold on the play of this chapter but it does contribute to the plot in future but I am well aware it is pushing some boundries. Go with it and dream this one was requested by a special friend. This one's for you Ang, wish you could read the end but I love you and you aren't in pain anymore RIP. **

She was washing the dishes and Lou was helping her dry them; between trips to Stephanie's high chair. He was determined to get her to call him Dada, so far he was failing miserably; Stephanie was choice with her words. She had a feeling that baby knew a lot more than she would say to them; she would tease them whenever she could. Glancing back she found Lou offering the little girl a cookie, trying to get her to ask for it saying 'tata'.

She watched until he finally gave in and handed her the cookie and the baby happily took it, then offered it back sweetly saying 'tata mabbba'. She laughed as he rolled his eyes. "I think that was closer to mama."

"She just wont do it when we ask, she'd rather just chatter." He grumbled coming back to the sink and helping with dishes.

"Oh she gets it. She just likes it when you talk to her and knows how to make it happen." She smiled at him and turned back to the sink.

"Still, mommy shouldn't laugh." She jumped as the tea towel caught her behind; he scolded her.

"Sorry, mommy will try not to laugh. But honestly she just thinks your playing with her. She will talk when she is ready." Catherine assured him setting the last dish in the drainer and drying her hands before picking up Stephanie.

"Uhuh. Are you going to feed her?" Lou asked finishing the dishes.

"Yea, then I'll put her to bed. I'll be up when you get home." She had got Stephanie scaled back to feeding only a couple of times a day; usually in the morning and before bed; some times when she was really fussy too.

"Fine. I'm going to head out." She paused to kiss him, Stephanie predictably grabbing her hair when her attention slipped away from her.

Taking her daughter upstairs, changed, bathed and fed her before tucking her into bed before going to her own desk. If she stayed up late and got up early, got Stephanie up and fed or a nap earlier and she could lay down with husband and talk a little bit. This way she also had the time to work, she wanted to tell Lou of her decision. It was just hard and she still didn't feel the security she wanted.

Yet when she sat down to work her mind came alive and her notes more entwined, she was narrowing it down to her place; it was just taking time. But she knew before she made a final decision she had to discuss all of it with Lou. She was going to go back to the lab, but not as the supervisor of grave shift, she wanted to look into a position that was only in the discussion stages of fiction.

It was a liaison between the department, the lab and the coroners office towards families. Vegas was the perfect place to experiment. The best crime lab in the country, a established criminologist who understands what is going on behind the scenes; it was the set up for influence. In a way she felt as if she was writing her own job description and she was preparing to sell it. It was something they should buy and it would keep her in the lab, in a way which meant close at hand to help Nick or whoever became supervisor; and maybe even work a case if necessary. It was a compromise she liked, there would be time around the lab and time away, she would be making a difference and would have the freedom to really reach out to people.

Over time it could broaden but right now the plan was a way to stay near the people she cared about and do what she wanted. It also gave her time to figure out where she was going and more regulated hours. Plus she had been with the lab long enough and now had the life experience under her belt to say without a doubt people needed someone; they had seen that she knew how to do that.

Opening the book she had been working through she began to skim. This one was a surgeons reflections on mortality, it was interesting but dry by times. She wanted to read through it though because this man had confronted the stereotypes within his own career and had spurred a trial phase of training with a test group of medical students willing to try the new curriculum. In a sense she was going to be test dummy and whether it flew or failed she had to take it.

Yet the details of a dissection were no mystery or horror to her, it was routine in a sense; though there was a strange twist of emotion in the words. His descriptions gave her an eerie feeling, as if he wrote almost too much into the acceptance of death; then he was writing to a very specific audience that she wasn't quite a part of. She found herself drifting off slightly as he rambled on about the dissection of the arm, rather boring in her opinion.

Suddenly the phone cut through the silence, it would without a doubt wake Stephanie; it was already ten thirty. Everyone knew that the baby was sleeping and she would shred the person who called so late; Stephanie would take forever to settle. Tripping over herself to get the phone she grumbled under her breath, she was not prepared for the panicked voice on the other end.

" Catherine? It's Sara. I have a favour to ask. You're still feeding Stephanie right?" Her friend asked.

" Yes, why?" That was a random question but something in Sara's voice told her she should be worried.

" If I pick you up could I take you to the lab, I think child services will beat me there. There is an infant, he is just a little guy and he won't last long without nourishment but he can't seem to take a bottle and his veins are collapsed and tight they cant get an easy IV in. We had Emily, Doc's wife on scene as the child services worker and if you test clean she thinks it would be easier than the hospital trying to get..." Sara drifted off, Catherine realized she was driving, somewhere just off the strip; down at the end by the chapel with the stupid horn. It was maybe ten minutes from the house and twenty from the lab; Sara was counting on her to agree.

" I guess, I will have to bring Stephanie though. I'll get her up and her car seat." She mumbled, Sara was on her way and that meant it was bad; her friend wouldn't ask if it wasn't an emergency.

" Thanks, you hear Lou caught the bus accident. Every hospital in town is going to be backed up. I'll tell you on the way." A beep and the dull tone of the phone signalled the call had been ended.

Glancing around the room and then down at her sweats, she didn't have time to change. Sara was less than ten minutes away, if she was going the speed limit which was unlikely and she needed to have Stephanie and a car seat ready to go.

Grabbing a sweater she went to the nursery, using the night lights shadowed glow to fumble for a warmer outfit to put over Stephanie's sleeper she was relieved when the little girl let out a squeal and stream of chatter; at least she wasn't upset about being up. Baby dressed and her jacket on she went downstairs, grabbed her purse and set the alarm on the house before slipping into the garage. Wrestling Stephanie into the clunky car seat she unfastened it and dragged the contraption out of her car and through the side door off the garage the around to the front of the house; Sara was just climbing out of the Tahoe.

" Your fast. I didn't wake you up did I?" Sara asked apologetically, opening the back door to let her get the baby seat in and fastened. As soon as her door closed Sara was backing up.

" No I was still up, she got woken but she didn't seem to mind and I didn't have to wake her to come. What happened and what is Lou working?" She fastened her own seat belt and glanced back to check Stephanie.

"Mother jacked up on heroin, we think the kid may be addicted too and went into a rage; attacked her boyfriend who pushed her and they both went out a forth story window. Earlier this evening two fully loaded buses crashed head on, turned into a six vehicle wreck with a transport, two pickups and a little smart car; want to guess where the fatalities were? Anyway I haven't heard whether it was an accident or what yet but it was a lot of people, far as I heard almost all were sent to hospital. The baby would wait forever." Sara rambled off, pulling through to hang a right into the lab parking lot ; she had just done a ten minute drive in under five with traffic; granted her lights helped.

"Okay, will Emily be inside?" Sara had parked and she slipped out and unfastened the car seat from the base.

"I think so but once you clear the drug test she needs to keep moving; another newer rep will get sent out most likely." The brunette replied as they both headed to the elevator. Stephanie was looking around curiously; she was not sure how the little one would get back to sleep.

"Great, I'll settle her in my old office; can't believe they've left it empty this long." She set the car seat in the dark office and left the door open just a crack; she didn't like the idea of leaving her but the baby needed some sleep.

Catherine slipped back down the hall, assuming they would have holed up in the break room. She didn't even make it through the door before Sara offered her a cup, rolling her eyes she headed for the washroom. Once she came back again Sara let her into the room and left.

She knew Emily Robbins, Doc's wife from functions and a few run ins but not well; the woman looked much like a female version of Doc. There was a sweetness about her but a tough edge, she was cradling a little bundle in her arms gently rocking back and forth; the child was fussing weakly.

" Catherine, thank you for coming. I know this is strange to ask but we called for an eta on getting him into treatment at the hospital and medic's looked at his veins; it would be a fight. We've tried formula but he wont take it, we don't know what his mother did with him but it might work." Emily explained, offering her the child. " I trust you Catherine, its going to come back clean; you have your own baby."

" It will but I have been weaning her off a bit; I don't know how much there is for him." Hesitantly she took the baby and sat back on the couch, laying the child gently across her lap. Glancing at Emily she lifted her shirt, it revealed her stomach and the scar but her t shirt was not exactly cooperative when it came to feeding.

Scooping him up she tempted him with nipple, he felt so light in her arms. " How old is he?"

" About two months." Emily replied softly. He was too light for that age, she wouldn't even put him at ten pounds; Stephanie had been growing like a weed and eating a lot. The little baby in her arms didn't even react when the meal was offered; he just kept making soft mewling noises.

"Tiny little guy. Does he have a drug addiction?" Lifting his head more she tried to work the tip into his mouth, using her fingers to work a little down so he could get a taste.

"I think so, he was almost definitely getting it through his mother's milk. Is he starting to eat?" Emily moved closer, Catherine saw her eyes drop; the scar spanned the stretch between her sweats and her bunched up shirt.

" Not really, he liked the taste he got, how long since he ate?" She was massaging the milk out little by little into his mouth but he had only taken a few little gulps. He seemed to want it but not have the energy to latch on.

" We don't exactly know, Sara had been at the scene an hour by the time he was found; paramedic's treated him until I arrived. Their assessment and eagerness to move on lead Sara to think of you and I agreed. It is at the very least two hours but easily could be more; he was tucked in for the night, sort of." Emily Robbins shifted, clearly realizing she had been caught looking and relaxed back into work; it wasn't a new reaction.

" Little guy doesn't know what he wants. He is getting a little but its slow." Catherine sighed, if he would take a bottle it would be easier just to pump it.

" Hey, here's your paperwork, test was clean." Sara entered the room, offering Emily a file. " I know you gotta go but I need to go back to the scene, the unis are going to whine as it is; at least it is pretty clean cut. Anyway you're good here aren't you Catherine?"

" I'll be fine. I will try and get this little one to eat a meal but I'm not sure how agreeable he is going to be; he'd rather have me do all the work." She was still trying to get the little one to suck.

" Okay, I should be back before the end of shift, if you need to leave early..."

" I can take my husband's car just pull the base out of your Tahoe. I will stay here until someone comes to get him. I might move to my office though, just to keep an eye on Stephanie." She cut Sara off, if she needed to take Stephanie home then Lou would understand and get a ride home with a friend.

"Alright then, oh warning; Ecklie knows you're in the building." Sara tossed over her shoulder.

"If I'm not back in half an hour expect someone else, I generally am able to take the infants but its a busy night. I will try to take him, and get some more info on him too." Emily closed the file and tucked it in her bag, she had a feeling the woman was taking a shortcut based on her relationship with the social worker's husband.

"Alright but I'm moving to my office. He hasn't settled in yet anyway." She stood and fixed her shirt, grabbing her jacket she headed for the office, Emily followed her part way to figure out where it was.

Stepping into the office she checked Stephanie carefully; her daughter was out like a light. Dropping into her office chair she lifted her shirt again and settled the baby back in a position to eat; if he didn't start to feed soon she was going to be worried. It would also be a problem that she had been left alone. Neither Stephanie or Lindsay had been shy about eating, they had got it on their first tries; she wasn't completely sure what to do to help encourage him. Little kid was probably in shock too, he was in a stranger's arms and over tired.

Pushing her nipple into his mouth she held him tight to it for a moment, she knew it wasn't the brightest plan but he wasn't interested in anything else and she had been trying for plenty long enough. She knew it didn't help as he just started making the little mewling noises again, she rocked him gently to settle him and then tried again. Time slipped by and soon she realized it was early morning, the little boy was still just laying in her arms and fussing when she tried to force him to eat.

When her door opened the light bothered her but a moment later she thought of how exposed she was. " Just relax Catherine. Sara told me, figured I'd be upset she dragged you out of bed."

" I hadn't made it that far when she called, there isn't anybody from child services wandering around out there?" A part of her was relived that Lou was here, another was regretting volunteering try this; she had a feeling they had forgotten her.

" No, I didn't see anybody but I just got back. He isn't eating?" Lou flipped the lock on the door and came around her desk. He crouched behind her chair, his breath tickled her neck. " Can I see if I can convince him? Man to man."

" You try that." She smiled, his voice was barely a whisper, he pulled her up and she let herself be led to the couch. Stephanie's carrier was lifted carefully off and moved safely to the far end.

"C'mon, sit on my lap" His voice still soft but his hands were aggressive; her t shirt came over her head.

" Lou, we are in the lab, not at the house; anyone could walk in." She hissed, he of course would not be to concerned about that.

"Relax, I locked it. Now here." He pulled her back into him. His arms came around her and his chin rested on her shoulder. " Hey little dude, my daughter thinks this stuff is pretty good and you need it."

She tried not to roll her eyes, her husband was doing exactly what she had been trying first; massaging a little bit out into his mouth.

She had to admit though he was better at it, the little guy was getting more faster. He was still cooing at the little guy but the boy was responding better; Lou was holding his head up so the nipple was in his mouth His fingers worked just above the boy's lips but she could feel the child starting to suck.

" He is finally eating." She sighed, the little boy was sucking greedily and it felt good.

" He just needed the right encouragement. You have Stephanie under your thumb, I get him." Her husband teased, she smiled when he kissed her cheek; he was too pleased that he got the boy to eat.

For awhile they sat in silence, Lou's hand had dropped to her stomach, she could feel the back of his hand against her forearm. When the little boy was finally finished she held him to her shoulder to burp him and then stood. She handed Lou the baby and took back her shirt.

" You know something. I never thought I would see you in the lab this casual." He smirked, carrying the baby with him as he unlocked the door; then handed him back to her. " Sadly I still have to work."

" Okay." He slipped out and she settled down behind her desk to rock the little guy. He soon fell asleep and Catherine found she wanted to as well. But couldn't, she had accidentally signed herself up for an all nighter, if children's aid didn't come back.

Trying to find something to entertain herself she glanced at the files that had been left on her desk, there were actually very few; Nick must have learned to keep up. He would be good at leading the grave shift, he had become a good CSI and likely in the next few months this was going to become his office. It wasn't even all that hard to think about anymore, letting someone else take the role of supervisor.


	38. Chapter 38

The night had dragged, child services hadn't made it back until early morning. Emily had spent the night running around and got back to her offices to sign out when the higher ups had asked of the little boy. By the time the social worker made it back there had been no point in making Lou catch a ride; she decided to wait him out and maybe they could talk on the ride home.

It had been a long night but nice at the same time; it had been an amazing feeling when the little boy started to eat. It had made Lou smile too. She knew he had made time in a busy shift to come sit with her, she had a feeling it might have been a hint.

Catherine easily slipped her daughter out of the car seat and cradled her in her arms. The little girl barely shifted, snuggling back into her. Her little baby was growing so fast, they already had to chase her around; though they had the advantage because she was still on her hands and knees. Yet that to was changing, more and more she liked it when they walked with her holding most of her weight through their hands as she got the hang of her legs. Little feet would stamp and kick as she giggled looking up at them squishing a few fingers for all she was worth.

It wasn't that long ago that she had been a little infant who couldn't sleep through the night and yet those nights felt a life time ago. As did laying down without her husband, and working at the lab; life had changed.

" Hey, Sara said you were still here. Ready to go home?" Lou stuck his head through the door, she could see that the shift had taken its toll on him; he looked ready to fall into bed.

" Sure, she is still asleep. I'll put her back in the carrier." She replied kneeling beside the carrier she had left on the floor; tucking the baby in gently.

" What time did they come back for the boy?" He stepped in and snagged the handle of the carrier, the other arm pulling her to his side. Comfortably she let herself fit into his arm and they walked out of the building.

" Not till five or so, he got forgotten about. Emily, Doc's wife caught it and she had understood a newer rep was going to come out to get him but it got over looked. She ended up coming back, taking him to her place for a while then he will either be adopted or placed in foster care." Sara had left the base to the carrier seat in the lobby, the back corner that never got any traffic; it was a long known safe spot to stash things often home to a lost and found. The grabbed it on the way out and she secured in in the back seat before sliding into the passenger side.

" Did they ever find out any thing about him? His name?" Lou asked, starting the vehicle and navigating out of the lot.

" Yes, his name is Adam. Not much else that I heard; Emily just called him that to see if she would get a reaction." She had wanted to know more about the little boy but the rep had been in a hurry so she hadn't pressed.

" Nice name, hope he ends up somewhere good. How was being back at the lab?" She smiled at his question, she had been wondering when that would come up.

" It was good. I'm going to call the Mayor and the Sheriff tomorrow. I told you some of my research was considered fiction, people writing about the people they wished there were working jobs that have not really been developed.

A common one is a person who knows what is going on with the cases, understands what's not being said and what cant be. Kind of like a liaison between the three divisions of an investigation; lab, department and medical examiner. There is a job sort of like it at a federal level but nothing with most units; none in the state of Nevada.

Its not a grief counsellor but more like a friend who will give it straight and understand but also fight. If its not being handled properly it would be recognized and addressed faster. I know I can do that, I know it would help people; but its also a safe place to start and it is still around the lab; I don't know that I want to give up my friends. Who knows I may even try my hand at writing or speaking." She finished with a yawn, Lou glanced at her with a smirk, one of them was going to have to take a nap and get up for most of the day; she knew that would be her because she didn't have to go to work again tonight.

" Wondered about that, you like the lab, heck you even like fighting with Ecklie; it will only be more fun now that he is feeling a hint of responsibility. I know you hate when people talk about it like that but everyone is always going to remember it and have their own memories of it. It brought forward the respect people didn't even realize you had earned and deserved." Lou answered seriously.

" I know, but I would just like people to start talking like it is, its over and no one can change anything and there is no guarantee that if we could go back any once could. It does confront what I mean though, we try hard not to confront that kind of thing; even between us we avoid addressing what it was. I know I do it, I don't know why but 'it' sounds better. You know its a year and a half the sixteenth of this month." She sighed, they both knew it and had come to terms with it but every time she heard someone wish they had done something she wanted to scream; in a way it was why she had avoided the bosses.

" Honestly, though how should we refer to it? How should I refer to what happened to my wife? I don't even think there is a clean cut definition, we know what he intended but you're alive so that doesn't count. You can't just expect people to move on because you have; I still deal with it Cath." His voice softened, she sighed, he was right; maybe she wasn't as ready as she thought.

" I deal with it, I deal with it every day I look at the stupid scar or someone sees it and tries not to stare. I know people who were effected by it have to handle it too. I just wish they would understand it is the past, there are lots of things in the past and this isn't the first time they've been hit by it." Catherine defended as the garage door slid down behind them; she lifted Stephanie out of the car seat.

Lou started to reply but got cut off by Stephanie, who was now awake and let off a stream of chatter then cuddled into her shoulder contentedly. Lou smirked replying." I guess that would be that."

" What you don't agree with our conversation Stephanie?" She asked the little girl who was currently tugging a strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail.

"She likes the scar, so do I; its a part of you. Right Steff?"He teased the baby, she gave him a pointed look but he just grinned; he had no intention of correcting the use of the nick name.

"I think it was probably a reminder she hasn't had her breakfast yet, she knows better than to have an opinion on that ugly line." Catherine cooed at the little girl, making her way into the house in the direction of the kitchen.

"Neither have I but I'm not so much in the mood for food as I am my wife." He called after her.

" You will have to wait on that one, someone has to entertain Stephanie until she decides to take her nap." She called right back, he would have to go upstairs and crawl into bed on his own; serve him right for trying to justify the damn scar.

Setting Stephanie in the high chair she moved to the counter to get a banana ready, she heard Lou come into the kitchen; for a moment she thought he had just sat at the table. Until he was pressed against her back, pinning her to the counter. " Woman, must you be difficult."

" Aaaaaheee." Stephanie interrupted, she glanced back to see Lou had given her her baby spoon; which she was happily flailing around.

" Daddy is being bad isn't he Stephanie? You tell him." She cooed to the baby, trying to slip her husband's grip.

" Cath, seriously hon come to bed once Stephanie's fed. She can entertain herself in her play pen for a little while and we are only down the hall. She is barely put down as is, one time won't hurt her." Lou whined quietly, they both knew the words 'play pen' would earn a protest if not tears.

" Honestly I don't feel like it Lou." She told him firmly.

" We don't have to do anything, could I just hold you?" His voice was still right next to her ear, he wasn't usually this clingy so she agreed nodding softly. It was nice to hear him say that if she didn't want to do anything he was okay with just cuddling.


	39. Chapter 39

Sliding the key in the ignition she checked her watch one more time. Catherine Vartann was excited, the hardest part was now over, the fun had just begun; and she really wanted to speed it up. Yet she knew her husband was home, hopefully sleeping, with their toddler.

Navigating traffic she regretted making the meeting just before rush hour, though it was the best time of the day to deal with politicians and politician wannabes. Before the day got hectic and complications or stupidity made things go wrong and soured moods.

Still she had gotten her way, without having to go think to much about why they were being lenient with her; she had to prove herself now. Catherine had taken her proposal of a liaison between departments to a board of the Mayor, Under sheriff, Sheriff, Lab Director, Chief of Police and Chief Medical Examiner. That much testosterone and ego was enough to make anyone nervous. Yet she had stood her ground and presented her case confidently; and it had paid off.

Mayor Attwater had been first to speak in agreement, asking where they should put her as all three divisions occupied the same building. With that it seemed it was down to the details and what she was not to get her hands on; they would begin with a transitional phase. The goal of that was to allow everyone to get used to the idea of firstly having her around again but also having her around in a new position where her first interest was not the case but how victims and families were treated.

A part of her was still reeling with how easy it had been, yet another part of her had a feeling this wasn't the first time they had heard of it. The job description was simple, work with all three divisions handling the case and feed it to the family, arrange meetings with the Detective or Coroner and advise to Victim's Services but mostly be available and understanding.

The scope of her interest was narrow, at least to start, she could handle homicides and sexual assaults as the head honchos seemed to agree that there was more care needed in those areas. To start she was happy with that, but eventually she wanted to expand it and teach a few of the useless departmental grief counsellors a thing or two about handling the people who saw it day in and day out.

She had been assigned an office just behind the police department lobby at the edge of the administrative section that occupied almost every floor of the building; every job required desk jockeys. It would be easy to move into and convenient, she would make it work; and was pleased that it was closer to Lou.

In a way she was purely excited but another part of her was screaming 'more I want more'. Yet she knew everything had to start from somewhere and this was her foot in the door. The slow pace of traffic was driving her crazy, she just wanted to get home and brag to her husband. She had heard him say he was proud of her, that he knew she could do it; but she was elated that she actually had.

Especially after two and a half years off work, she treasured the time she had spent learning the man who truly loved her and the gift of watching a tiny infant grow into a cuddly toddler who screamed mommy through the entire house. But for her it wasn't enough, she loved her personal time and would fight tooth and nail to keep some of it; she was just a woman who needed more. She was successful in the careers she chose and ambitious in what she took on. A stay at home mom sounded good on some days but it wasn't really her.

Before she had thought maybe it was time. When Lou had called her out on the scar and her ability to accept others reactions to her struggles it had eventually clicked that she needed more time. After that though she had decided to clean out her office at the lab, bringing home the remaining ties to the old job and putting them away. Her friends she knew would still be there, at least the ones who really cared ; they had been there all along.

A few more months with her baby had finished her maternity leave and made her feel better. She had focused on getting out more, taking Stephanie to the park and even joining a mom'n tots swim group. Watching people react when they noticed the scar and seeing people who didn't get it. When those things got to her she always had Stephanie there, a way to focus her attention with out feeling the distraction of other people's opinions. She had needed it.

Now she had a new start, a new job and office; it all started the beginning of next month. Turning into the driveway she punched the button for the garage door to go up. Home at last, she slipped from the car, snagged her purse and laptop. Slipping into the house she glanced around for her husband or daughter.

A sudden cry of 'mommy' told her where to look, Stephanie was toddling towards her as fast as she could, her balance was still not the greatest. She could get moving but stopping was the issue and the little rascal collided with Catherine's legs; she couldn't help but smile.

" Hi Stephanie. Did Daddy get all dressed up?" She asked scooping up the little girl, Lou had done a good job getting her up and dressed. Her hair was coming in quickly and Lou had managed to get the loose wisps that hung into her eyes captured back in a clip; which for once she hadn't ripped out.

" Yeaya." Stephanie's hands went into her hair, there was such a difference between them; her red blonde hair and her daughter's black baby curls.

" Where's daddy hon? Is he in the kitchen? He better not have fallen asleep on the couch and left you free to find trouble." She teased, using one hand to free her hair from the little hand trying to tug it from her scalp.

" I'm right here, I didn't fall asleep yet but I want to. How did it go?" Lou appeared from the kitchen, she could see exhaustion in his face.

" Good, really good. I got the job and the first person to back me was the Mayor. To start it is just an in between for the departments which I think they wanted anyways but it could become more and it will be normal hours for the most part." Catherine bubbled over grinning, it felt good to get her way, and see her husband happy that she got it.

"That's great, they letting you start beginning of the month?" Lou's arms wrapped around her side, Stephanie happily getting a hold of Lou's hand when it came to rest on her arm; she squealed when he squeezed them gently.

" Yea. How long has she been up?" She tickled the little girl who was smacking Lou's shoulder.

" Mhm, just after you left. We got a bath and all dressed up; we even got a clip in her hair. Then we had breakfast and read some books; she was just going to help me unload the dishwasher. Right mischief?" He tickled her, the little girl squealed cuddling down to her chest.

"Help or hinder? Leave the dishes, she can go down for an early nap; stay up longer this afternoon. Want to go to bed with me for a bit then I'll get up and she can help me with laundry and play in the yard; so long as she doesn't pull the sheets down again."Catherine smirked, as Stephanie discovered her necklace with careful fingers; before pulling.

"She probably wont settle right away and I'm starting to think she might tip that play pen; should we move it into our room?" Lou asked, guiding her towards the stairs.

"Not if you want to get any."

" I do but I also don't want to hear a crash when I'm making love to you." Lou kissed her cheek and Stephanie reached back over her shoulder.

"aove daddy?" The little girl asked.

"You would rather she lay there and watch?" She caught Stephanie's hand, the one tangled in her necklace and attempting to go over her shoulder with the other; pinching her neck.

"No but I don't want her hurt in that stupid contraption either. We got a good one I thought they were supposed to be kid proof; she's not that crazy for twenty one months. But there's already a hole in the mesh and she was standing up on the one edge this morning while I got her bath ready, if she really wanted to she could get it over."He grumbled as they turned down the hall and then into the nursery, she bypassed the playpen and set the little girl in the crib.

"She will be just fine in her crib, now I want to celebrate." She handed Stephanie her favourite silent toy, a book with pages that lit up animals when she pressed on the names, and walked into her husbands arms.

"That would work too. Mhm I don't like it when you leave the bed so early. I barely laid down this morning before you were flying off to the shower; you didn't even strip in our room." His words mumbled against her lips, she could feel his hands sliding down her sides; dangerously low.

"Sorry but I had meant to be up by the time you were home. You can strip me your self now, as slow as you want." She teased, somehow he had turned them around and he was backing her towards their bedroom.

His weight was pinning her to the bed, her chest was struggling to rise and fall with the force it wanted as his heaved against it; it had been a long time since he actually collapsed on her. He felt wonderful and she groaned when his lips found her neck again but he began to lift away from her.

"Unuh. Stay, she is still sleeping, you sleep." Her hands pulled his hips back down, he didn't protest.

Catherine knew he had wanted to hear that, he liked to be on her and for once their toddler wasn't demanding attention.

She relaxed, she could feel him drifting off, his breathing settled and his body relaxed more sinking into her. His head was resting in the crook of her neck, her fingers found their way into his hair; she liked this. She stayed that way until she heard Stephanie chattering over the monitor.

Carefully she slipped from underneath him, he groaned heavily, pulling the comforter over him she stepped away from the bed. Quickly she snagged her clothes from the floor and tossed them in the hamper, opting for comfortable clothes to wear around the house for the rest of the day. She closed the door behind her, hopefully it would keep out most of the noise they might make, and headed down to the nursery.

The little girl was sitting up in her crib, happily playing with the clip she had finally ripped out. She released a happy stream of chatter pulling herself up to stand against the rail; arms reaching up to her. Her little girl was so adorable, she reached down to her and the little girl grabbed her arms trying to pull herself up.

" Are you ready to come play?" She asked settling the little girl on her hip; time for laundry. Downstairs she pulled the load out of the washer and grabbed a sweater for Stephanie before going out to the yard. Pinning the child against her she got the sweater on her and then released the girl to wreak havoc on the yard.

She pinned up the first of the clothes before dragging out the sheets, Stephanie's favourite entertainment was running into them; putting them up she caught her daughter. The little girl was not going to be keen on going back into the house, she loved being outside; she sat down on the grass. Stephanie tried to take off but she knocked the little girl gently onto her back, tickling her until the child wanted revenge. The little girl was climbing on her, scrambling to get a hold; chattering a mile a minute.

" Silly baby thinks she is going to get me does she?" Catherine teased, scooping the girl up and spinning her around, earning a squeal.

Catherine took the little girl back to the step and sat down, snagging the handle of the little cart; Stephanie began a chant of 'yeya'. Helping her daughter into the seat she took the handle again and pulled the cart around the house towards the street. They were just going to go around the block she assured herself, glancing at the upstairs window; where her husband was sleeping.

Her daughter loved the ride and by the time they got back she was hungry and Stephanie didn't seem to fight the idea of going back inside. Catherine set her on the floor in the kitchen while she looked to see if there was anything quick to make. Withing seconds Stephanie was in the fridge grabbing at things; she caught the little girl's hands. Green eyes looked up at her, questioning why the fun had to stop; something struck her.

Green eyes, dark black hair, the little girl looked nothing like her; or Lou. Someday the conversation they joked about would come, this child would realize, or hear and want answers. She would have to answer to the little girl, probably more than once over the years. Yet right now the girl's only question was innocent; she just wanted to play. Stephanie was going to grow up so fast.

"What are you doing?" Catherine laughed, she had let the little girl free, Stephanie had promptly grabbed a squeeze jar of mustard and ducked around her. "You just want to be chased don't you?"

"Ah Monkey, you aren't going any where." Lou appeared in the door way, tossing the girl in the air and setting her in the high chair.

"Daddy's fast isn't he. You hungry?" Catherine laughed, snagging the mustard back, Stephanie was pushing against the tray.

"She is growing out of that thing, soon she'll just need a booster seat." Lou smiled opening the dish washer, unloading it had been put off.

"I know, she's going to start day care at the beginning of the month, we'll both be working again. Life is going to get crazier." She remarked, starting water to boil for kraft dinner.

"Mhm are you sure we want her to be an only child, specially if she has to be at daycare and a baby sitters?" Lou stepped up behind her, reaching over her head to put a stack of glasses away. She felt him pause, one hand coming to her hip; he wanted an answer.

" I guess, I assumed that was what we would do. I mean we aren't having another baby; I'm to old to do that again." She stumbled over her words, really she hadn't thought much on whether or not Stephanie would be okay as an only child; Lindsay had been fine and they had both been alone.

" I know, that's how you feel and I get that, I wouldn't mind if you were but you know there are other options." His voice was soft, she hesitated.

" I know Lou, but is it a good idea? We both are going to be working, we are going to be away; she will need all our attention. Anyway adopting is a long process and I doubt we would get approved for fostering." She sighed, he wanted this, although she wasn't sure which he wanted more.

" Maybe not, Cat, I was talking to Doc on last shift and apparently Emily needs to move little Adam; she's trying to bring home another kid. Severe addiction, just a toddler; poor little thing. Anyway Adam is clean and ready to be placed. Emily would recommend us." Lou still didn't move away.

" He is a baby, an adorable little guy. He will get adopted into a good home in no time." She pushed against him, to take the food to the table; he shadowed.

" A baby with a long list of problems, fussy and small. He needs love, he is going to get in foster care where he will get forgotten for the kids with bigger or louder problems. Maybe eventually he will get adopted, if he is cute enough and doesn't cause trouble." He dropped into his chair, handing Stephanie her spoon.

"Are we ready for that? And would it be fair to dump him straight into day care after what, two weeks in a new home?" She served Stephanie, catching the spoon before she managed to fling some of her food across the room.

"I don't know Cath, I just; will you think about it?" She heard him sigh, he wanted to do this; she wanted him to be happy.

"Yes. Talk in the morning?" She smiled, seeing his eyes light up a bit.


	40. Chapter 40

_Sorry for the delay, I've had some things that have been distracting me and they really hit this week. The reviews are so loved, they make me smile :) and this week made my day a few times. _

She sighed, the little boy in her arms was adorable; he was very different from the little bundle she had held that night in the lab. Her logic said it was a bad move, but her heart and her family said it was right. Her secret was weighing heavy, in a couple hours it would be in the open.

Stephanie was tagging along pulling on her pants trying to get her to stop and bring the baby back down to her level. Even though there was only a little more than six months between them Stephanie seemed so much older, not only because she was bigger; his start had taken its toll. Still Stephanie was already enthralled with him, she just wanted to touch him and look at him all the time.

The problem with that was Catherine still had work to do, her break was over. She had packed up Lindsay's stuff; most of it waiting to move with the girl in the summer when she got her own apartment. Stephanie's stuff had begun to move down towards that room though today it was all moving.

The playpen and crib were staying for Adam. The bed in Lindsay's room was against the wall with a high head and foot board. She had bought a rail to go along the only open side. Stephanie would be fine in there. There was still the dresser but she had moved the desk to the back wall and out of the way. Stephanie's toy box had taken its place along with a soft mat for her to play on.

Adam's room, the nursery, seemed empty now. There was still all the things there had been before minus but the little boy had so few things that the drawers that had been full of Stephanie's stuff were empty; his sleepers all fit in the top drawer. She had left the toys Stephanie had out grown and stopped playing with in there as well but the difference was noticeable.

Her morning was spent making trips back and forth between the two rooms, with Stephanie tagging along; after a little bit she had settled Adam down for a nap. Stephanie how ever had no intention of being put in bed for her morning nap. She was up and around telling Catherine off for everything she was doing wrong in moving things; she had attempted to take her squeaky book back to nursery.

It was adorable, but not helpful; she was working in a time crunch. Lou had a meeting after shift today and he didn't know this was happening. If her plan worked right she would be in their room with Stephanie and Adam by the time he got home; with both rooms set up. They could have lunch as a family and he could go to sleep, she would tire the babies out and then put them down for their afternoon naps and possibly join her husband.

She wanted to see his face when he realized they were going to raise Adam, he would be good with the little boy. Thankfully Emily had known a couple short cuts for the paperwork, all that was left to make it final was for Lou to sign the papers and drop them at the court house on his way to work. That would start their probationary period, Emily was going to try to pick up the case and take care of the visits. Which she thought would be nice, she had a feeling Emily and Doc had gotten kind of attached to the little guy.

Her last trip made she caught Stephanie to her hip and went downstairs to get the rascal a cookie and Adam his bottle; Lou would be home soon. Stephanie deposited on the bed, nibbling her cookie she grabbed Adam and joined her daughter. The little girl eagerly crawled into her lap to watch Adam take his bottle, she kept curious fingers from poking him.

The two were cute together and Adam was precious, if small. The little boy caught hold of Stephanie's hand, she had been mid reach to keep it from poking his tummy. He squealed, she started giggling, Catherine found herself smiling; she could hear Lou on the stairs.

The bedroom door opened, he took about two steps in before he froze; she grinned. Slowly he approached the bed, he reached out cautiously; she offered him the baby. " He is ours, all that's left is some paperwork you can drop off at the court house on your way to work tonight."

" What changed your mind?" He asked quietly, his eyes jerked away from the little boy for a moment as he joined her on the bed. She scooped Stephanie up and deposited her in the middle so he could sit beside her; the little girl just scrambled up to drape over her knees.

" You, and you were right; about a few things." She sighed, reaching out to tickle the little monster trying for her attention.

" Only a few? I want details woman." He grumbled, working an arm free to wrap around her; she let herself be pulled into his side.

" Life is hard and it is scary but we are getting through it; children are just beginning. We can give a kid or two a good home, there is no reason not to. That and it does hurt a bit to realize I found the man I want to have a family with now that I am to old to do that. But we can still make our family and we can support one so we should. Plus Stephanie shouldn't grow up alone, I used to wonder if it would have been easier on Lindsay to have a sister or brother." She let Stephanie worm her way into her lap; this was their little family.

" I wish you would stop saying you're to old, women well into their fifties have had babies; and you had Stephanie just fine. But I am glad you want to raise a family again; I really mean that. It will be good for them to be close." She watched Adam reach for Lou's face, this little boy belonged in their family.

She felt it now, seeing her husband smiling at their little boy and their daughter happily cuddling into her lap. Life wasn't easy, it never had been and never would be but this was a new chapter. The pain of the past was where it belonged and it couldn't be changed but the future could be. They could give these children a shot, the support they needed; protect them from the world for a little while.


	41. Chapter 41

An hour left until shift was over, she wanted answers before that time slipped away. Sometimes it felt as if she had never switched jobs, her work was as much about putting together the puzzle as it had always been; now social skills were just more involved.

She had to run between families and facts, riding people who had once been her colleagues for the answers she needed. Sometimes it was frustrating, when she wanted to go and get the answers herself. It didn't help that Ecklie had ended up getting her to work a case on days the one day they were short last month; it was a bit of a tease. Yet the job was different and it was right.

Everyday she was clocking out at five and going home to her family. Picking Stephanie and Adam up at daycare before going home to make supper before Lou got home; he had been able to rotate to days. This had simplified their lives greatly, though made it harder to see some of their old friends. It was good to be able to have the evenings as family time.

The kids were growing so fast, daycare had been good for them so far; once they got past the first week of being left alone with new people. They had made some friends, she had heard that Stephanie and one little girl really liked to stay with the babies; the little girl watched over her brother. The two had gotten close almost instantly; she knew they would chatter at each other the entire time they were in the car. Stephanie had finally started using her words, Catherine had guessed she had picked up a few but just enjoyed having her daddy's attention as he tried to teach her. The kids were so different in their own ways.

A screen finally loaded on her computer, calling her focus back to work. She had her own paperwork to do for each case she handled, but the formatting was both new to her and slow to load. Catherine compiled a file for each case from the reports she was given from the lab, Pd and medical examiner as back ground. Then completed an analysis of the family, considering the state of the case, whether it was closed or not and if the suspects were known to the family. The process was designed with the department shrink to help her analyze whether or not follow up visits were necessary with out progress on the case.

She had signed up to take an online course in sociology/ psychology and the stages of grief just to give her a idea of what training most shrinks had, and in the opinions of her bosses better qualifications for the work she was doing. Catherine viewed it more as a fishing expedition, it would give her a chance to look into her own emotions and what the course was teaching future shrinks, doctors and others who would be working in emotionally trying jobs. She had a feeling it would be much like sensitivity training at the lab, be kind, gentle and supportive but do not allow yourself to feel anything; she had come to have a very big problem with that technique.

Her job, officially titled public liaison, had been teaching her that. It meant something to people when some one else felt for them and not only gave them answers but listened to their pain. It was hard, there were times when it was harder to listen to families talk about their loved ones while she knew all the details that made the rough cases at the lab seem easy. But she had found a balance, her work stayed at work unless her cell phone went off from a current contact; her children's smiles could melt away any pain from work.

She had been on the job only two months but the difference was already noticeable, and she wasn't the only one noticing it. Everyone had become more effective now that the majority of the work was routine, sorting out the puzzles and following the leads; taking her along to meet the families and handing that part off. There had been almost no altercations in the hall of the precinct between families and suspects or parties of interest; down from at least one a week when tempers were high. Families had been happier with the support they had received Which made it so the cases that had already made it to court did not have families crying on the court house steps about how they felt overlooked or what details they felt they should have been told; this was made the Mayor happier.

But in her opinion it made her feel like she was accomplishing something, the wall she had felt when she was working cases; about the things she couldn't share as a CSI was gone. It came down to her judgement and understanding of the processes that were necessary to close cases what details she told families. Although with the five cases that had made it through court she had stopped in to see the families before hand and ran through the more graphic details that they would hear; and listened a bit more about their loved ones.

She was happy with the success she was having and happier still that others were noticing; the proof had really come the beginning of this week. The card on her desk reminded her of that, as did the final form she was now filling out. Closing form, the status of the case and the results of her final interview with the family, the names she had recommended for counselling and a final note of their satisfaction with the closure; whether or not they felt the victim had been rightfully answered.

This had been a good one, the most recent of her cases to get through court and also the most high profile she had headed up so far. It had ended up with a card delivered to the mayor, specifically for her and a donation towards expanding the public liaison operation, hence he had been in her office for a good hour this morning gloating; good publicity made him very happy but had stolen her focus.

All the same, she was getting a bonus the end of this month and they would begin looking for someone to assist her. To her the fast results proved that this was a necessary position, the problem was it was also unique; she didn't want to work with just anybody. The extra person would be very welcome as she had been regretting having to pick and chose cases but they needed to be ready to let go of judgement, listen to families and fight with the people they would likely become friends with. She knew she had rubbed Greg's nose a bit in her most recent case but her buffering had caught a mistake; which had initially unnerved her. It wasn't easy in any way and she had the advantage of being established in the building; a new person would have a challenge.

It was also supposed to be her new number one task, according to Mayor Attwood. She needed to put together a job description and a list of qualifications. That was a task that was going to end up being done some evening when Lou brought home his own paper work to do after they put the kids to bed; her hours here needed to be focused on the cases she was working; not fielding ideas on an assistant.

There just wasn't the time for that when she was here; her cases took precedence. Once she finished this report she had to look for her next case; this one was done. There were six that she had been requested on and four others that were open but she had to read them to see which she should take; she was only interested in ones where there were families or significant others.

There were some cases that she was not even involved in, personally she had nicknamed them Vegas cases; they seemed few and far between. When it came to death there was always someone hurting; it just depended on whether or not they came forward or could be found. Families that wanted to be involved and were close knit were her first priority. Currently five of ten had families involved, two only had husbands, one had a room mate and the last one had a child.

She wanted the last one, it would be messy and the little girl was only eight; likely heading to an Aunt once it was all worked out. Yet it was not one of the ones on the request list and it was being handled by day shift CSI whom she knew and hated; the woman was lazy and incompetent. Her assistance wouldn't be appreciated by the CSI but the detective on the case would let her on; O'Riley had it. More than likely Doc would have the autopsy of the parents; her only conflict would be in the lab. But she could end up having to run the case and watch for errors; the woman was known for it.

It was likely to be a head ache but for a kid she wanted to be involved to some degree but she might take it just to look in on the kid; then make her call. She would though keep an eye on it of she didn't get fully involved; kids needed love support. There was another case that caught her attention, but they all needed some; she didn't feel sure on any of them.

A glance at the clock told her it was almost time to head home. She didn't want to take to much home tonight as she knew Lou wouldn't, he had the next two days off so he would likely stay later to finish up. She would rather just have the evening with the kids and then some alone time with him. Quickly she flipped through each file and made necessary notes; she would think about it and team up in the morning.

Folding the notes she tucked them into her purse and shut down her computer. It was time to head home, pick up the kids and make supper. Locking the office she headed out of the building towards her truck. She headed away from work, towards the daycare; avoiding the strip and tourist traffic. Spring in Vegas brought even more people and slow moving traffic; and often crime. Most locals just found it made travelling harder and on days like this she tended to agree; that had been one perk of the grave shift.

Eventually she made it to the daycare and then back through the mayhem and out onto quieter roads and finally home. Getting both kids out of the vehicle, into the house and settled with toys was all she managed before she heard the car turn into the lane way. Hands in the sink she sighed, she had hoped to have supper on by now.

Fumbling for the ingredients for cheesy broccoli and the chicken breast she had left to marinade that morning she listened to Lou greeting the kids and answering machine beep; Lindsay's voice floated through the house. Slipping the chicken into the oven she listened as her older daughter told them about her final exam and first interview for her new job; mentioning at the end she was going to be home on Sunday. At least everyone would be home then she thought briefly; finally getting everything on to cook.

She had just turned to see what baby food they had left, something to supplement the meat for Adam, when she felt Lou's hand come around her hip. Turkey and sweet potato would work, she turned back into her husband's arms and leaned up to kiss his cheek. " How was your day?"

" Good, sadly eventful though, spring brings more tourists which seems to mean hookers get happy; I got called on three trick rolls when Vice came up short. I heard the Caley case closed successfully, a lot of the guys are muttering about it;happy they didn't have to duck those people wanting answers. Got plans for your next one? You're still just taking five at a time right?" His last question was more of a caution, she didn't need to look to see the intensity in his eyes to know it; he worried that she was going to stretch herself to thin.

" I'm keeping it to six but that's just for now, but two pretty much count as one for the work they are. Found a daughter that was truly estranged and parent's really don't care, so that's just the sister and then the other is that accidental at the dental office; convincing a couple of the hygienists it really was an accident. They seem to be more paperwork than actual work and both are pretty much done, I have one more meeting with the one hygienist and then talking through the trial with the Hanse girl. I've got ten to look over, I'm just going to pick one for now and when both of the other two are definitely done I will take another." She reassured him, not yet ready to share her news.

" I'll take your word for it. How was the meeting with the mayor? Everyone in the squad room noticed him going down there. I'm assuming it was good news?" His voice was innocent but she was curious as to what he had heard, she also knew he could be just fishing off rumours around the department.

"He is happy that it is done and closed without any real bad media, been awhile since a high profile case didn't bring some political mess up." She didn't take the bait, instead side stepping him to check the meat and put the cauliflower in two bowls; handing him the smaller one to mash.

Opening the oven to check the chicken she felt him brush by her, moving to the other counter; hopefully to get a fork. Pulling out the pan she set it on stove, and carefully lifted the potatoes out before turning back to get plates. A sudden smack on the ass made her stand up a little straighter.

" I hate being the last to know things, especially when it comes to my wife, the whole building has been buzzing about it since he left your office this morning. It will be good for you to work with someone again." Lou scolded her, she realized he had been waiting for her focus to shift away from their conversation.

" Sorry. I just found out today and I don't even know that I want someone to work with me. The help would be great but it has to be the right person." Catherine sighed, it sounded worse out loud then in her head.

" Ahhhhhbae." The squeal carried through the kitchen until Catherine felt a little body impact the back of her knees and a hand reaching up to pat her but; where it was most definitely not supposed to be.

" No Stephanie." Lou told their daughter, trying not to laugh, she glanced over her shoulder to see him scoop her up. " That's only for daddy to do. Mommy doesn't really like it to begin with, but I'm allowed; she might get mad at baby."

" That's right, she might." Catherine threatened, leaning over to kiss the little girl's cheek, the baby was not worried in the least.

" Its time for you and your brother to come to the table." He turned away, and she relaxed; a moment to soon. His hand made contact again, a bit harder; she turned to glare just as he opened his mouth. " You have to get her hard enough to make her jump anyways; otherwise there's no fun in it."

She sighed, sometimes she wasn't sure he had ever matured past the age of five. " Do not teach her that."

" I promise I won't teach Adam, he will pick it up on his own. Anyway its good for you and I like it." She started to open her mouth, his lips pressed against her cheek and his hand cupped her hip for a second before he left the room in two long strides.

Rolling her eyes she brought the food to the table, setting Adam's mashed up meal in front of the high chair and grabbing the booster seat from the corner chair; setting it on the one beside her. Lou came back into the kitchen with a toddler under each arm; Stephanie was trying to get free.

"You are in trouble, we'll talk about it after they go to bed." She reached for Stephanie.

"Oh you mean her."He grinned, letting her have Stephanie and rounding the table to put Adam in the high chair; she put the tray on the front of the booster seat.

"Her, of course." She mumbled as he fed Adam, she helped Stephanie; nibbling from her own plate as she did.

After supper, stories, bathes and bedtime she found Lou standing out on the deck; it was a beautiful night. As she stepped through the doorway, letting the screen fall shut, she realized his mind was far away. She slipped an arm around him, following his gaze out towards the dessert, their view blocked by houses but she knew the danger and beauty that lie beyond the city.

"Are you still thinking bout those trick rolls, or is something else on your mind?" She teased, knowing that his serious expression did have a reason; the lightheartedness from supper was gone.

"No, definitely not. I've just been thinking how this year is different. Stephanie will turn two in a bit more than a month, We'll have been married almost three years, it really doesn't seem that long. I still remember that day, that first week at the hospital; its clearer now then it was then. And then the trial and it finally being over, until the realization hit that it is never going to be over." She felt his shoulders slump with a sigh, he stepped away and she let him turn her in his arms; his hips pressing hers back against the railing.

"What brought this on?" She asked softly, his fingers had easily opened her blouse and her bra; his fingers were on the scar.

"I remember how red this used to be, swollen too. You didn't want me to see it at first and then when you showed me both Sara and I saw a lot more than the scar. I remember being so angry when Sara said that the incision was what it took to keep you alive, he had done it without a cut. They had to split you from top to bottom to fix you; they gave you the scar. Yet now I look at it and I don't feel that anger, its a part of you and I don't really mind it. I made peace, so did you and slowly everyone else has too; it has taken a long time." His hands had both come up to cradle her face; his palms warm against her skin.

" What is bringing this up now?" She asked, suddenly feeling her heart beating harder, it had been over two months since they had last talked about it; she liked not thinking about it here.

"I want to go see him Catherine, and I find myself wondering if you should too. I want him to know he is going to pay, that he can't hurt anyone anymore. I want to feel true peace before he is executed, and before Stephanie is old enough to need answers; honestly I want him dead by then." She heard the pain in his voice, this was something that may never truly rest; she felt the tension in his body. Yet she was conflicted.

" Lou I think you need to face him then but I don't know that I want to. I will think about it though, I promise you that." A part of her did want to stare Ray Langston in the eye and smack him, hard; just to prove he hadn't taken her fire. But another part wanted to just keep walking away, let him die and this whole thing fade into the past. She knew Lou needed to face him, it was his nature; he confronted his problems.

" I know I just watch her grow, I watch you, You are happier now then before, you are excelling in something that makes you happy; we are happy. I want him to know he didn't hurt us, he didn't cause us pain..." Lou started but she cut him off; she felt it too.

" He challenged us and at first it hurt but now we are stronger. You want him to know he won't be remembered when he is gone, that Vegas and the world are going to forget his name and crime. I know Lou but thinking about this, focusing on it; that is remembering. If you need to face him do it, but then come home and remember we have two beautiful children, we have each other and we are alive. He is living on borrowed time and someday it runs out, when it does he is gone. Our choices though, what we do is going to be remembered; our kids are going to remember it. And someday we will be gone but our kids will still be here, growing up and ready to face the world on their own, maybe they will think of the choices we made." She stressed to him, leaning her forehead against his, she saw him start to smile.

" You are getting very good at calming people down." He mumbled softly, tipping her head down, something that before she never would have allowed; his hold had to much control. Yet with Lou she knew she was safe, his lips against her forehead confirmed it.

" Mhm, I still know how to get you worked up if I want to." She teased, wrapping her arms around him, relaxing against his chest to enjoy his warmth and strength.

o0o

I dont know if anyone reading this would be interested but I do write my own novels. I have actually written several but one I am working on I have decided to put up online because it special to me. Granted it is a work in progress, there may be times when it looks a little rough; especially as I'm still figuring out the formatting . It is online at

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Some of you who read this story for Catherine's character, will recognize the first name of the main character in the story; how she has dedicated her time and skills to her cause has touched me. I would love to hear from people. Eventually it may end up on fiction press or something but for now it is a work in progress and is staying on my blog.

This has been a long time in the works and is mostly written, it does not mean I am giving less attention to this story. I am still working on it, I just have some tough scenes to write and I happen to be picky with how they are played out.


	42. Chapter 42

**Sorry about my last post, I didn't realize that it wouldn't show a link. I will try to put the link on my profile. **

**please leave a comment or something. and thank you for the reviews for this one. here's another one. **

She was working at her desk, clearly focused on something that didn't make sense to her. Her glasses slipped down her nose a little bit, he saw her twitch it to try to get them back up, clearly not wanting to stop. Finally her finger came up and lifted the corner of the frame, putting them back where she liked them.

He had been standing there a couple minutes and she hadn't even looked up, this was either something good or something very bad, if it was bad it meant someone had made a mistake; she had caught more than enough of those. He knew she worried when she caught errors on the way out of the lab, she was still proud to have worked there; not all the employees cared about their reputation.

But they were starting to pay for that, just as his wife's reputation began to grow even more only know it was public. Everyone was recognizing it and people who had known long ago continued to crop up. Though it had surprised him at how shy she had gotten about it; he had wondered if she hadn't preferred when almost no one noticed it.

Yet she was good at keeping herself out of it as much as possible, her reputation and the respect she earned was serving to further her point; he had known her to be passionate but this had been a scar. She was fighting to make it so others didn't have the same scar, but beyond that he had a feeling there was anger fuelling a small part of it; hate towards the man who had taken her comfort and put her on this path.

It had been a new path for them both and at times it was still hard, in a way they were still making peace with it; and probably would be for a long time to come. He had a feeling she was closer to that than him, he still had something to do; he had been stewing over it for months. In a way he was afraid to go but in another he knew he had to; he had known since he talked to Cath about it on the back porch a little over three months ago. He had been thankful she had let it rest that long because it was a hard decision for him to make.

Yet on the sixteenth of this month they would celebrate three years of marriage. Their daughter was well into their terrible twos and their little boy was working hard to keep up with his sister and all the mischief they could find. Even now as they were growing so fast but still being so little he knew the day would come when they both asked how they happened; neither looked like him or Cath. When he sat down to explain it to Stephanie he didn't want to feel the hate he felt today. He loved his daughter, and his wife, the memory that came forefront to his mind when he thought of them needed to be happier then it was.

When he thought of Catherine and Stephanie he saw Cath holding the little girl laughing as Stephanie reached to pull her mother's hair; both of them were happy. But there was still the lingering thoughts of what if, what if things had been just a little different? What if something came back on one of them? Would they be here with him or would he someday lose one of them because of a sick man's hand? But beyond that there was the thought of what if they didn't get a chance to talk to Stephanie? If she heard it from the media, or saw an article or worse someone tried to get her to talk about it and she didn't know. Those thoughts scared him and there were others, that were worse still but far more unlikely.

He hated thoughts that his family could be hurt, hated that it was the reality of the world; violence was as random as it was predictable and he knew that first hand. Any one could be hurt for any reason, it only had to make sense to one person but consequences hurt many. He knew it to well, and so did his wife; who was still focused on what ever she was reading.

" Hey Cath, what's got your attention?" He asked softly, she finally glanced up; her glasses slid again.

" I'm supposed to sort resumes and applications today; they want to start interviews first of next week. I honestly don't have the time." She grumbled, lifting a hand full of papers.

" At least once it is done you will have help. They took long enough taking applications." He stepped into the room, leaning against her desk.

" Right, you know how long it took just to get people to apply? First to get qualified people and then skimming their applications. Who ever we get for this had better work out, otherwise I just want to be on my own. You know I'd probably do better to just go to Sara and ask her to take the job." Catherine set the papers down, calmly glowering at the papers.

" How many is it narrowed down to?" He asked, she had been working on this a long time.

" Its four, only one really local, the others are all from other areas; out of state. I don't know about this and I don't like having all the boss's involved." She relaxed back into her chair, finally taking a break.

" That is always fun. Interviews are next week, when does the new person start?" He asked, knowing she would pick up on his discomfort soon.

"Beginning of next month, if all goes well. Today cannot be over soon enough, in the morning they will finally let me back to my job; the real one." Catherine grumbled, he smiled, she was focused and distractions irritated her.

" That's good, where are you're cases at?" He brought it about slowly.

" I've only got two open, others are done; gone through court. The two are in waiting; court dates end of this month and start of next. But I don't want to get involved with anything just to get pulled off for this kind of stuff. Anyway, do you mind if we just do pizza tonight?" She sighed, shifting the papers to the side, he could see that there was a pile of cases underneath.

" I'll be late tonight, you might not want to wait for me." He told her softly, feeling her gaze shift; she was curious.

" Where are you going?" He felt her fingers teasing his hand, he had a feeling she already knew.

" To see Langston. I need to do it."He squeezed her hand, she knew how long he had been thinking about this.

" I know you do. We will be up when you get home. " She gave him a gentle smile, he squeezed her hand.

" Thank you." He started to pull away from her, he was glad she supported him; still he needed to get going.

" Hey, tell him how beautiful Stephanie is." Catherine called after him, he smiled at his wife's calmness. Their daughter was beautiful and he knew what else his wife was saying; the pain of their history was dying.


	43. Chapter 43

**Sorry for the long wait.**

His mind was still racing, even an hour after. His heart too, the drive home had been a strange form of torture. Still as he stepped into his own home he felt it ease a little; he knew it wouldn't stop until he held her. Lou had realized that the moment he laid eyes on the man.

Prison had not treated Ray Langston well, but it had allowed a side of him to emerge; probably for survival. It was not that it ruffled him as much as it was that he saw the man's hands; hands that had threatened his wife's life. Something inside him had clicked and a strange mix of anger and peace came rushing back.

A cold though had settled into him even as his mind and heart raced; as he walked through his own home. It was a feeling he couldn't quite shake even as he ditched his coat, shoes and keys in the entry way. It squeezed in as he took the stairs and pressed around his heart as he checked the kids before going to his room.

For the first time in a very long he hesitated. His wife was already asleep, clad only in an oversized t shirt that had at one point been his. Catherine had kicked the covers off as she slept, she looked so comfortable. He didn't want to disturb her and yet he needed to.

Slowly he approached the bed and shucked his shirt and pants, his focus still on her; she hadn't stirred. As his hands found her hips, sliding over soft skin he allowed his fingertips to close over that smooth jut of her hip bones. Those curves defined, a memory and motion he hadn't concerned since they dated. He felt guilty that he was going to wake her yet his curiosity got the better of him.

Pulling up he heard the groan as she woke; she twisted against his grip. He heard his name as she arched into the bed, one hand scrubbing across her face. Letting his grip slip back he pulled her up again, seeing that smile forming softly at her lips.

"You're home." Catherine murmured, he sighed as he let himself down onto the bed; and his wife.

" I'm home." Lou whispered into her hair, his hands sliding up and around her as his body settled over hers.

Long ago he had learned Catherine liked to be pressed between him and the bed ; and the feeling of her under him was not one he about to turn down. One hand came up to her hair, knotting into long red locks while the other slid around to a familiar land mark on the warm body.

"He got under your skin didn't he. Its okay Lou." Her gentle words for once did not hold the comfort he sought.

Lifting himself away from her his fingers journeyed the obvious scar that ran her body to the one that had never been visible. His finger found the dip of her bellybutton and slipped in, pulling up a little he felt the rough mark of a scar she hadn't known existed.

Closing his eyes for a second he could see the man's face again. Dark eyes taunted him with a memory, one he had unintentionally fed; refreshed. Now, as he opened his eyes he found blue ones; brighter and more alert now.

He sighed, his head falling to her chest; he did not want to go through it again; not now. Safe, warm and comfortable he was settling with her, he knew in all fairness he should tell her; he didn't want to. Sliding one knee between her legs he shifted to make himself comfortable; to enjoy her until he shut down. " In the morning?"

Lou lifted his head for a moment before nuzzling her neck to rest for awhile; hoping he could just think for awhile. He could hear her heartbeat, feel her chest moving against his body; her chin snuggled him closer.

"I will be right here, we will talk in the morning." Her voice rumbled through her throat as she spoke; he felt her arms lace around his back. Knotted hands over the base of his spine pulled his hips into her. He smiled, feeling her in a way he liked; Catherine got it.

She was there, physically allowing him to feel her life; his safety. Catherine just held him, he basked in it; his hand still trapped between them he slept.

He felt a gentle tickle of air against his neck. Turning deeper into his nest he tried to avoid it; until his mattress groaned. Lou woke with a start realizing he had fallen asleep on his wife, and slept straight through the night.

He started to lift himself away when she stopped him. Her arms wrapped around his back, just as they had been the night before she turned to meet his eyes. " You stay put, the kids are still asleep."

Lou nodded blearily, glancing over her to the clock; it was still early. Since they had both more or less made the switch from nights to days after many years working the dark of the grave yard shift they still woke well before they needed to get ready for shift.

" Will you tell me about your visit now?" He heard the barb in her question, it was more of an order; he completely understood. Espeically after how he acted last night.

" Mhm." He would , after his morning kiss; she rolled her eyes at him. Working his hand from between them he slid both up under her head; his thumbs pulling her hair back behind her ears. " I most certainly will, I have some new you need to hear especially."

" And what would that be?" She played along with him, blue eyes still serious. He understood that too, soon their children would wake and it would get busy between getting them and themselves ready to leave the house for the day.

" Gossip, from the guards. Prison hasn't treated him well, he has lost weight but his professional face is gone; he has retreated into his mind more; his fantasies too. I don't want you to see him before we go for his execution." He swallowed thinking of the man's first question upon seeing him; it had not been an innocent inquiry of his wife's well being. It unsettled him.

" That is years off, isn't it? And I have no desire to see him, it has finally more or less died off; other than an aniversary piece last month I haven't heard any whispers of him in a long time." She brushed it off, reassuring him; though he could see the flag being filed behind her eyes.

"Not necessarily, the mayor wants him put down, I think especially now that your new task force is taking off and growing. Guards are whispering it might happen in soon; near our anniversary. One guy I went through the academy with is on his rotation; says he gets lots of visits from Ecklie. You know about that?" He lifted some of his weight off her; knowing her breathing had been restricted all night.

" No I didn't but I'm not sure it is my business. I wouldn't put much in the gossip and if they do decide doing it near or on our anniversary is a good idea I do not want to attend." He saw her eyes heat, something triggered a reaction; he didn't like it.

" If you don't want to we don't have to. I just thought you might want to see it done, him I mean; so that you know he is gone."

" Lou I know he is gone. As far as I am concerned he was gone when you and Sara told me he was in custody back in the hospital. If the bosses push for it than I am certain it will happen; espeically with his confession." He felt he fingers lace through his hair.

" Its not so much him I am worried about but more the crazies who might, who could come out of the cracks. And what I felt when I talked to him, I just don't like it."

" I know, I know. Lou its okay, maybe when we get the date of the execution we should take off. Talking to him isn't going to help, he is sick; but not in a way that can be helped. I don't want to dwell on that, the past or the scars; any of it. We have to move on and we see enough death as it is; we don't need to see him die." Her hand smoothed over his neck and he sighed at her soft touch; Catherine was tough and he was glad of that right now.

" You never wanted to go did you?" Lou asked, a soft smile playing across his face as it dawned on him; she really didn't want to see it.

" No, at least not now. I did, at first when it was still fresh but anymore I really dont feel like it. And I want that door as firmly closed as possible for when we put Stephanie in school. But Lou shutting stuff back into a memory is how I deal with stuff; when it is in the past there isn't that sting." Intent blue eyes were asking him to understand.

He did, it was what had made it difficult for him to get to know her; at least at first. There were things that Catherine wouldn't talk about unless very specifically asked; but after learning some of them he understood that. He also respected it. " Maybe we cave and hire a babysitter to take a trip with us? Take our honey moon?"

Her face split into a warm smile. " I don't think we need a babysitter and I don't think anyone else would like that but it would be fun."

Lou grinned back, yes it would be; he could think of kinds of warm tropical places he would like to take Catherine. He knew she liked sun and sand, so did their kids; he had watched the three of them playing in the box in the back yard. That might be a better way to spend the time Lanston spent dying; it would be much nicer than a cold bench pressed in with a bunch of high collers watching out of their warped ideas of respect; more like morbid curiousity.

" We both have vacation on the books, at least some; they let you keep yours cuz you didn't fully transfer out of the lab. They were still scared you might do something that would make them look as bad as they are." Finally he rolled off of her, pulling her with him; it was her turn to be on top.

She gave him a cheeky grin as she balanced herself on his hips; tucking her elbows under her chin as she leaned on his chest.

"Meh, they're not bad. Just not, um, maybe the word is human. Its all politics to them, trying to be in the right places and be angry about the right stuff; throw their weight around to make the public think they are passionate. Its fake but isn't everything in Vegas?" She tilted her head and he felt he was looking back in time, to the woman who was still living a secret; but it wasn't her mask either.

It was precious in a way, one of those statements that said she understood how the victim felt but without letting on to the true how. It was how she had lived for years, silently, until someone had hurt the silent go between no one knew existed. Sometimes he still had to stop and think about those simple things she had done over the years; it was a personal ethic he had come to understand. It ran deep in her but it amazed him at how long she had let it be unnoticed; and even now how she ducked it whenever it came up.

" You always have to see that line don't you? Find the excuse for the jerk who hasn't proven himself a true ass yet." He teased, knowing it wasn't true.

" No, I know those guys are asses they just aren't personal asses; they like to talk and flaunt. If it came to a fight though they wouldn't hurt the innocent; intentionally. And you know that." She gave him a look he saw her give Stephanie and Adam before she lifted herself off him and slipped across the room into the bathroom.

Rolling back onto his stomach he groaned. He still had a whole day ahead of him before the weekend and the bed was soft. Catherine had interviews today and so would be holed up in her office with a bunch of the bosses all day. It would not put her in a great mood, he knew she would see it as losing valuable time.

For that reason he hoped it went well and she didn't lose any more days. Partially since on those days he couldn't hope she would come wandering into the squad room or catch a glimpse of her in the lab; there weren't even any excuses he could use to go visit her and vent on a tough case.

A small smile played at his lips as he dragged himself from the bed; he liked his life. He liked working with his wife but he didn't like when the higher ups isolated her for interviews and he knew she didn't either. She didn't consider it to be work, more of an irritation; but it was very necessary. Cath was way overworked even if she was making a difference and it made her happy.

Finding his own clothes and snagging the clothes Cath had hung on the closet door and stepped into the bathroom; knowing she was going to growl at him. And he was right, hanging their clothes on the towel bar he sidestepped the curtain and slid in behind his wife.

He knew a stray hand would get him a reprimand but it was very tempting to let one wander. Still he reached for his shampoo, around Catherine; he caught the dirty look intended for him. She slipped around the other side of the curtain; he understood.

They didn't have time in the mornings and it was easy to get distracted. Still it was also faster to share the bathroom and then dress the kids so they could all eat together; it was something Catherine was big on.

He finished his shower and dressed while she finished her makeup then he took his turn to shave. Her hand slipped in his back pocket, smoothing his shirt into his pants as she went; using the hand tucked in to pull it. Her voice was as soft as her body against his back. "The kids had bathes last night. I'll get Stephanie."

Nodding that he heard he felt her push off him and slip away. Setting his razor down he moved out of the room and down to Adam's nursery. Their son was wide awake, playing happily with his bear. Smiling he lifted the boy out of the crib and set about getting him ready for the day.

It was twenty minutes later that he was in the kitchen, setting Adam in his high chair before disentangling Stephanie from Catherine's legs. She was busy making eggs for the kids, something else that surprised him as they settled in together with two babies.

Catherine was big on having the kids eat table food, they ate eggs and mashed everything with almost every meal; but both babies were healthy and happy. It made it easier to take them out too, there was always something to give them.

He also learned that Catherine herself didn't like eggs all that much herself. Even though she made the eggs serveral times a week as soon as the kids had decided they liked them she stopped eating then. Still the kids did like them, and both seemed to know that it was eggs this morning; rather than their cereal.

Leaning on the breakfast bar he waited for the toast as Catherine let the food cool and the kids worked happily on their sippy cup and bottle. He couldn't help smiling when Stephanie offered Adam her sippy cup of milk, he poked Catherine who had been tucking ice packs in the lunch bags she had taken out of the fridge.

She smiled too, taking the bright little bags around the counter and table to set them beside her purse; back tracking to Stephanie's seat. " Is that good Stephanie? Do you want to share?"

" Mommy." The little girl stuck the sippy cup in Catherine's face, happily trying to share her milk with her mom now.

" No baby. Stephanie's." He watched her coo, dropping a kiss on her baby's head before coming back and reaching for the bowls of food. She was such a good mother, talking to her babies and playing for them while still caring for their needs came so naturally to her.

Joining them at the table he set a piece of toast and an orange in front of her. Taking turns eating and feeding the babies the meal passed quickly and they were loading the kids into Cath's truck. " Will you be done on shift today?"

He glanced through the vehicle, Adam was reaching happily for the glasses she had hung from her shirt; he liked the view. " Plan to be, I should be in an innterogation most of the day; and doing paper work. Drive together?"

" Sure, if you're late though I'm leaving you there." She shut her side and slipped into the driver's seat; nodding he climbed into the passenger seat.

" You have interviews right?" He grinned, over at her; earning a scowl.

" Its one of the out of state first. I guess it would be bad to say I don't want him. I'd rather work with someone, well I guess with a lot of what we handle I would fell better if it was a woman.

I know for some of it, and eventually it would be good to have a guy involved to give the male support to some kids who would respond better to a male figure." He nodded, she wasn't finished but he could tell she was considering her words.

" I guess I feel I would work better with another woman, I wouldn't feel as if I had to scan cases as carefully as if I was working with a guy. And you know its not that I have a problem working with guys, you know how it has always been at work; it is just the sensitivty we handle." She finished , clearly frustrated with her justification; but it was understandable.

" Like if one of the detective's or CSI's walk in and ask you to come out to see a scene and victims they haven't met yet. With a woman there is a much smaller chance that a victim will have a strong reaction to comfort. I get it and I think it is important.

And maybe you should say that, there are facts and cases already in what you have been doing that would support that. Hey at this rate, maybe you will have a whole department under you by the start of next year." He teased, trying to relax her; Catherine hated it if she seemed sexist.

As they rolled past a sign advertising a strip club, with a law enforcement them he glanced at her; the stripper was a red head. No where near Cath but still she had a smirk similar to Catherine's and stood provocativly leaned against her pole.

Cath had been there and walked away and yet that was a part of her; it had made her tough but it had also softened her. Catherine had layers no one saw. There were layers that he had left on her that were good but others he worried about; especially when it came to their father.

Jake had spent time with him and then gone his own way, not interested in either of his parents. It made him wonder when he watched Catherine and Lindsay, together but also apart. Every Sunday Lindsay came home for lunch and spent the afternoon on the couch with her little brother and sister wrapped around her and her mom sitting at the other end. He listened sometimes as they talked about everything knowing that when she lowered her voice he wasn't supposed to hear the young woman telling her role model about something.

He knew that was what Lindsay saw when she looked at her mom, there were the fights still but they were few and far between. When Lindsay needed support she was not afraid to turn to her mom, she was fully aware that he got full disclosure from Cath but that didn't worry her. He didn't know what it was like to have that kind of a relationship; with anyone but the redhead next to him.

Everyday Adam and Stephanie grew up a little more and the simple question were starting to come. The questions he had not got to hear before; Jamie had been able to handle the cute little boy. It had been the teenager she tossed off to him. The harder questions were going to be farther down the road. And some of them, he feared, were going to be harder than either of them could imagine if Stephanie had to come to terms with how she was intended to join their family.

He hoped that they could teach her that it had no bearing, the intention had fallen flat and she was a treasured gift. But he had seen enough angry teens in PD, scared and in serious trouble but not reaching out for their parents. Steph and Adam had to know they could count on him, no matter what.

Just like he wanted Catherine to, he hoped he was proving that to her; but some days he wondered. And today was one of them, he could not shake those eyes and she was the one who calmly guided him on. It was so much more personal for her and yet she seemed to let it go; how many other times in her past had she done the same?


	44. Chapter 44

**Im back till this one is done, promise:) **

Navigating the familiar route to the daycare she kept one eye on the road and the other on her husband; her mind was with him as well. Something had bothered him after seeing Ray, she wasn't sure what it was; he acted as if his confidence was shaken.

He was trying to be himself and to be upbeat but it wasn't working, he couldn't focus. Catherine wasn't sure if was a little bit of shock from actually meeting with the man or if something had been said. Either was a possibility. Still at least Stephanie and Adam hadn't picked up on his attitude yet.

If he hadn't dealt with it enough to talk to her by supper she would ask him. She hoped if he had his time to think he would be able to. She wanted to know more, what the man had said and how he acted. Yet at the same time she wanted to wash her hands of all of it; especially when she looked at her daughter.

In truth all of it could have a greater bearing on her life than any of theirs and it could be good or bad. She wanted it to be good, she wanted Stephanie to know she was loved and precious; if she could she would never let the girl know the rocky start.

Turning into the parking lot she idled the vehicle and let Lou unload the kids. She watched them enter the building; usually it was her dropping them off. It was nice to watch him with the kids, two little bags in one hand with that arm holding Adam to his hip and Stephanie clinging to the other. They entered the glass common room and she could make out Stephanie racing off in the direction of the play area before Lou disappeared to hand Adam to the nursery aid.

A moment later he was back, she pulled back onto the road heading for work now. The silence was suffocating, she could feel Lou watching her; she wanted him to talk. Especially before she started the day.

Nothing whatsoever was going to be accomplished today and she was going to have to sit and grit her teeth all the way through it. The under sheriff, sheriff and director were going to be present along with her for the interviews of her new partner. It was not going to be a fun day.

Parking the truck she stepped out and slipped around her side to go to the front of the building. Lou caught her hand and gave it a squeeze; she returned the gesture. She knew he was focusing in for work and she had to do the same.

Taking her usual path around the front of the building and in past reception down to the back part of the building that had no real purpose beyond her office; the rest of the hall was used as storage. Stashing her purse she slipped back and across to the elevators to go up to the lab and catch some of her old friends going off shift; and get a coffee.

She rode up with a few cops she didn't recognize, but from the furitive glances she guessed they knew who she was. Escaping quickly she slipped down the hall to the break room and the coffee pot. Knowing the pot on the burner would be stale she started a fresh one and went for a round.

She found Nick in what had once been her office, Greg in his old one shared with Grissom and Sara now. But the later two were no where to be found. Wendy waved at her and gestured for her to wait from inside her lab. She had twenty minutes so she tipped her head to the break room and went to get her caffeine kick before it was devoured; she fixed a sweet cup for her spunky friend.

Leaning against the counter she sighed, hopefully Wendy would have something interesting to say. She could use some of the girl's spunk before she dealt with the stiff politicians all day. She wished Lou had been more relaxed this morning; it would have made things easier.

" Hey you, guess what." Wendy came around the corner and skidded to a stop in front of her. Offering the cup she earned a grateful grin as it was accepted. The brunette had ditched her lab coat and grabbed her purse; clearly on her way off shift.

" Please no guessing games, that's all my husband wants to do. I like plain speak, I can understand it easily." Catherine made a sad face, hoping she could just get the news without the dog and pony show; taking another sip of her coffee.

" Ecklie may have been in the lab last night and I may have got some gossip. One of the people you are supposed to interview didn't make it. A Leila Herris? Anyway you are down to three interviews today and your irritating panel is distracted with a hot new case. But well if things go bad today don't get to worried okay?" Wendy grinned at her, she knew there was a riddle behind the words but she would figure it out later; she didn't care if the interviews fell flat if they would let her get back to work.

" Great so now I've only got one woman going for the job, its bad to say but I don't want to be stuck with a guy. Oh well. If there's a hot case how come your heading home? Maxed out your overtime already."

" Naw, my stuff is done; I've handed the lab over to day shift. I'm going to go home but I might be back by lunch. You want me to bring you something? Comfort food to celebrate being done with the bosses?" The girl backed across the room to put her cup in the sink; having downed her sugared cup already.

" Okay, but why are you coming back before shift? Get out of here and stay away until you absolutely have to come back." She rolled her eyes before lifting her cup and downing the rest of hers and followed Wendy to the lift.

" Meh, cuz I can. I also want to be the first to hear all the details from the interviews." The brunette smirked and started to back up.

" Fine but I want details about the new case." Catherine called after her as the doors binged. They were on the ground floor and Wendy was escaping in the direction of the parking lot.

Smiling she walked back to her office to find her bosses hovering; her smile faded fast. Business was about to begin. Slipping in she took her seat directly behind the desk, there were no formalities with greetings; first interview started in five.

Catherine snagged her pen and notepad from the top drawer and dated the top of the page. The busier she looked to her panel the more time she could spend studying the potentials. She knew the questions she wanted to ask, there were only five; the rest she would leave to Ecklie and Attwood.

Her plan was simple and she planned to make it very clear. Her questions were first, after that they could ask what ever they wanted. She wanted to know if her new person would be able to relate, cope, understand, remain objective and nonjudgmental. References, work experience and time would give her the answers she wanted about determination and attention to detail; that was why she wanted to listen more than talk.

Settling in she waited while Ecklie went to locate the first guy. His name was Ryan Drassen, not a local he came from South Carolina; he was willing to relocate immediately. The resume and background looked good, cop gone CSI and then grief counsellor. Now he was looking to shift again, while resiliency didn't look promising he claimed to be a good worker.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt he might not have found his niche yet. As he stepped into the room she immediately noticed the tattoos up his arms; immediately she realized they covered scars. Close to the wrists the jagged lines were uneven and long healed, he had a past that might not be to nice.

It might give him a perspective, much the same as it gave her. The interview passed with out much note, he wasn't memorable and that was both a good and bad thing. Neither Ecklie or Atwood were impressed with him though and for her that was okay.

This time Atwood stood to go and find the next one. The woman was next on the list, Maria Eves. He returned with her and Catherine immediately found herself wanting the woman out of the room. She was not going to be objective when it came to the person she worked with; at least not completely.

She bypassed her questions with a slight nod of her head; the bosses pounced. The more she listened the more she was sure; it was going to be one of the guys.

Maria had an agenda and a pretentious pedestal that she happily sat on and told them how wonderful she would be. Catherine did not agree, though Ecklie didn't seem to mind her to much; she was cut from the same cloth as him. She had a feeling the woman was angling for politics in the future; Catherine was not interested in working with a wannabe politician. She had to deal with several irritating ones who oversaw her already.


	45. Chapter 45

** For everyone who loves a certain brunette :) and there will be family time in the next chapter**

The third interview was no better than the last, the man that came in was over tired and possibly drunk; she didn't want to get close enough to see if there was alcohol on his breath. But then this was Vegas, Sin City and people didn't always realize there was more to it than partying, gambling and getting laid. Apparently this man was one of those people.

The interview its self was not that bad, he had a good resume and answered questions easily and forwardly; it just would have been better if he didn't yawn every two seconds. Overall she was a little disappointed, only the first guy had any real potential and even there she wasn't sure.

In some way she had hoped that she would find someone today that she would enjoy working with and be able to trust enough to give cases to.

As Ecklie stood and stretched she glanced at her phone; Lou had texted her sometime during the morning. She heard Attwood's chair groan as the man got up, both preparing to leave; the mayor's voice distracted her from her phone. " We already have our opinion set on the last candidate; let us know when you make up your mind."

Catherine looked up in confusion as a file was set on her desk and the men left, shutting the door behind them. Cautiously she reached for the file, curiosity burning. The file was the same as the others, with the exception of the stamp; whoever this was already worked in the building.

Flipping it open she grinned, her friend had some explaining to do. All the same she read through the file and resume; noticing that no supervisor reference was noted. At least half the lab didn't already know about this; then she would have really felt like a dolt. Thinking back she knew she really should have seen it coming.

Her door popped open, and in slipped the brunette in question. " Hey, so how'd the morning go? I know I don't have the same qualifications as the others but I thought I might try it."

She laughed. " I can safely say you got the job. Out of the three I would only begin to consider one of them; and only just begin to consider. Why didn't you tell me?"

Knocking her ponytail over her shoulder Wendy came to sit across from her; setting the food between them. " Because I wasn't sure about it until the last minute so I went to Ecklie and told him only to give you my application if he didn't like any of the other candidates; if he doesn't like them I know you wont. I figured if someone fit he wouldn't give you the file and I would still come have lunch with you to hear about who is going to be joining you.

But if this happened you wouldn't have to start another round of hunting and be overwhelmed by yourself for a lot longer. Ecklie caught me in the hall, he said I could have it, I'm hoping you agree?"

" Of course I do, you know how to handle people and the procedures of the lab; we can catch you up on the CSI and PD ones easy. But who is going to cover the lab?" Catherine was grinning, today might not be such a bad day after all.

" He is going to move up the assistant from Swing shift. The team will have to adjust but the guy seems to be pretty good; total opposite of Greg though. Very serious and by the book, the team will get what they need and over time he'll warm to them; I think." Wendy was grinning from ear to ear and Catherine felt much the same; she could work with someone she not only trusted but knew.

" They'll have to cope, I need help and if the bosses are okay with it than you're it." Catherine took the sandwich offered to her.

" Good, any chance you want to catch me up to speed? I was told the job came with two weeks training so I could start independently at the first of the month. The new guy was more than happy to take the pay raise and switch on notice." Wendy asked, as Catherine nodded and gestured to the computer, her mouth full, Wendy dragged her chair around the back of the desk.

" He knew? Surprised that stayed quiet. Of course, I'll catch you up and then on Monday we will bring Lou in to help us rearrange this office; I'm thinking I will bring my library from home in so we can share it." Catherine set down her food and shifted her chair over before keying up the computer.

"Our current cases have changed, because I was stuck with this hiring crap so long I had to release my project by orders of our higher ups. So we are going to consider any open cases.

The criteria I use for choosing a case is need, openness meaning who is handling it and will I be invited on and rep; should I stick my nose in to see it done right. The good thing about this job is our involvement can almost always be justified; with every death or serious assault someone is grieving.

After that I look at the standing, and comments on the case; detectives and CSIs are getting used to our existence now. If they feel a family could use some support they will note it and those notes will be considered. Our priority is the newest cases that we can see through to the finish.

If however a detective thinks it would be beneficial for a family to meet with us between certain stages, especially before court they will let us know.

Once we choose our cases we commit, I think some we will work together, especially if it is families; but most we can work separately to keep up with volume. Our goal is that the family or persons involved understands what is going on, understands the speed or lack of and can know that their loved one matters. All this job boils down to is being a friend and checking up on the lab and pd to make sure it is all done right; to some degree we are quality control." She ran through it showing Wendy the past cases, paperwork, statements, hours and notes; explaining between bites.

" Okay so I get that, what forms go for what steps and how do you separate them?" Wendy finished her sandwich and leaned back from the screen; reaching over to toss her wrappers in the trash.

" I have a binder of blanks right now, you can go through and see; I still need them to remind myself on some days. The biggest thing is forget the forms until you get back here; at some point all parties concerned come here. Take your own notes in the field, details you feel matter; especially details about both the victims and the loved one. When you do that you basically get everything you need for the forms.

I am going to seriously have this office rearranged, Lou doesn't know it yet but we are going to be going somewhere and getting a wall organizer for this back wall and opening the room up a bit. We need to utilize this space better to make it more of a meeting room than such an office.

I'm going to turn the upper half of the back wall into a library and the lower half will be a combination of files and tools. We need to make the public feel welcome here, part of the problem with this building is the mystery and reputation it has. It does not feel people friendly." Catherine finished, brushing her hair away from her eyes as she leaned back.

" True enough. If we put our desks against the solid wall facing each other it would open up this half; maybe even half a wall organizer to keep the titles near us and a little out of the public eyes. Then a low bench or something with toys and articles on that side; divide the room with a small love seat or something? We could steal the one from the back room of reception; it never gets used and its actually nice. Then on the half wall, this side of the door put up a note board or something." Wendy gestured over to the one side showing how her idea would work; Catherine agreed that it would.

" A filing cabinet of some sort could stand behind the other desk. It would make the office feel nicer. This could work. I've stock piled notebooks down here; so far I've averaged one a case so if we fit the file in that we could just stand them on a book shelf. It would keep the room casual." The planning offered a relaxed break to finish lunch, Catherine wasn't sure she wanted to push Wendy into picking cases, with the brunette on she planned to take on more even while Wendy trained; but Wendy had worked through the night. Even if she seemed perky Catherine knew that was a front everyone got used to putting on when working the grave shift; even if the brunette was especially good at it. Yet knowing it was Wendy she was working with made it easier to think of the future, and the weekend; which was also the project Lou would be undertaking.


	46. Chapter 46

**As promised, more to come.**

Catherine sprawled across the couch, Adam on her lap waiting for another wet raspberry to come his way. Stephanie was at her play table, attempting to cram a circle into a square hole. She was entertained for the time being.

Focusing her attention back on Adam she curled her arms under her body and lifted his little body to her face. Nuzzling up his shirt she blew wet kisses against his tummy, much to his delight. She felt his little hands tangle in her hair as he squealed happy.

Setting him back on her stomach, his hands slipped free of her hair and he started patting her; hoping for her to do it again. She smiled as brown eyes glittered back at her, Adam was the exact opposite of her, Lou and even Stephanie.

His light brown hair and big brown eyes contrasted to her blue ones, Lou's grey ones and Stephanie's bright green ones. He was a little bit chubby, but it was so cute on him; he kept up to his sister easily. No matter the fact he was the youngest he was into everything.

" Tatatatatataa Mama." Adam broke her stream of thought, smacking her a little more firmly than usual. While Stephanie had refused to use her words for anyone who wanted her to Adam had picked them up quickly and happily.

" What baby?" She teased him a little bit, watching his face change as he hoped for her to cooperate. This had Stephanie's attention as her baby brother started a steady stream of chatter.

" Ada, bar." Stephanie told her brother, coming to the couch with his scruffy toy.

Catherine smiled as the baby took his beaten up stuffy and let himself flop back against the couch, twist to lay on his tummy and begin pulling on the bear's ears. Now that her brother was content with his bear Stephanie leaned her little body against the couch next the Catherine's head; little fingers reaching for her hair.

" Wha' doin' mommy?" She asked sweetly, it was the phrase they all heard more and more often; her big sister had taught it to her. The two had spent several afternoons curled together on the couch for Stephanie to learn it; Lindsay holding her baby sister close to her face and repeating the phrase over and over.

Until Stephanie greeted her at the door with it a few weeks ago, very proud that she could say it. Now they heard it and more words regularly; Stephanie was picking up a lot of words at daycare. " Mommy is thinking you would like a snack. Some yogurt?"

" Yaah. Ogurt." Stephanie squealed, getting Adam's attention.

"Alright then, up we go." Catherine smiled, getting her hands under Adam she scooped him up. Lifting him against her chest, the bear dangling precariously from his grip as he squealed happily.

Stephanie happily followed them to the kitchen, reaching for the legs of her high chair. After she secured Adam in his chair she lifted Stephanie into her chair. Getting Stephanie a yogurt cup and a few animal crackers, she settled Adam with a handful of crackers too and some apple pieces before turning to figure out a meal.

After a moment of rummaging she came up with the boiled potatoes from the night before and a decent dish of squash for the kids; she could make a tossed salad for her and Lou. Setting a pot of water on she pulled out a few eggs, Lou loved potato salad; and the kids loved it pureed. Pulling the burgers out of the fridge she set them out for when ever her husband got home; he had promised to barbeque.

The water boiled and she dropped the eggs in before returning to the table to entertain the kids, who were cleaning up their snack. Opening the cupboard she set the table, if most of her work was done before Lou got home then she could take the kids out back to play for awhile; the weather was nice and far to soon fall would be to far gone.

Getting a cloth she cleaned fingers that were now gooey from being crammed in little mouths with the crackers. Hands clean lifted both out and settled them on either hip. Once she crossed the kitchen Stephanie realized where they were going and started kicking to get down; it took Adam under ten seconds to copy her.

Setting them both down in the play pen on the deck she slipped back to turn the eggs off; putting the lid on to trap the heat for a bit. Back to the deck she slipped back out onto the deck and hoisted both out and kept them trapped to her against their squirming; she stepped over the baby gate and down the steps. Freeing the trouble makers in the sand box, she let herself down on the grass to relax; for now they would be busy without need of her attention.

Resting her head on her fists she watched the two playing. Stephanie was happily dropping handfuls of sand into a bucket that dumped when it got too full; starting the came all over again. Adam however was happily dumping handfuls of sand on a pile in front of him and then digging it back into his lap.

Watching the two entertain themselves she relaxed out of work mode; Lou was picking up the stuff for the office and then they would set it up early Monday. The weekend was theirs.

The kids didn't know how happy their parents were for the down time. Both to be together with the kids but also their night times alone; not so tired from the rush of working all day and two kids. They were just happy to play, not aware that they had two days at home; and away from their friends.

Stephanie had learned one of her play mate's name, some days she would babble about Kaila, known to Stephanie as "Kaya". Kaila also had a younger sibling, a sister who a bit younger than Adam; in the same group.

She heard the screen door smack back and turned, Lou was home. He had changed out of his work clothes, he had the burgers in his hands; he looked more relaxed than she had seen him in a while. As he started the grill she pushed herself up from the grass.

" Can you keep an eye on those two? I'm going to make a potato salad for supper." She joined him on the deck, leaning against his shoulder for a moment just for the comfort before pulling back.

He caught her wrist and eased her back against him, she smiled up at him; there was mischeif in his eyes. Leaning down he kissed her gentle, she smiled against his lips; it was so good to be home for the weekend. " Sure, its nice out tonight, should we eat outside? The kids will want to play till bedtime, they don't have to have bathes tonight do they?"

" Sure and no, they had them last night, they are going to need to be washed up though." This time she pulled away more firmly, one of them needed to go down and sit with the kids.

" Yup." He nodded, stepping around her, almost against her to get to the stairs. She just smiled and headed inside.

Taking the eggs out of the pot she ran them under cold water to peel them, the motions as more habit than thought; the window over the sink looked out onto the back yard. Her husband had, of course, not be able to leave the kids to their own games and was currently spinning Stephanie around in big circles; pure bliss was written all across the little girl's face. The little rascal loved having their full attention, even though she did look out for her little brother; play time with daddy was hers first.

Adam was sitting on the edge of the sand box, watching with big eyes; he was curious about everything. Not worried about letting his big sister try things out for him. She saw his face squish up as he giggled when Stephanie was set back on wobbly legs; immediately collapsing against Lou. Her husband reached down with one hand to steady Stephanie while already reaching for Adam.

She laughed when the little boy let out a squeal and hauled himself up to toddle out of reach; she knew what game he was starting. Stephanie caught on quickly and tore off in the opposite direction; Lou gave chase to Adam first.

She divided the eggs and potatoes into two bowls, added chives and mayo to one and half the mayo and some milk to the other. Tossing together the regular potato salad for her and Lou to have she set it in the fridge. Then set about pureeing the other bowl, Stephanie was at a point where if it was smooth and relativly thick she would feed herself with a spoon; Adam still just fed himself little bits of finger food.

But it was easier for both of them to eat smooth, she didn't mind it smooth; the chunks of recognizeable food though were nice. Lou, however hated it when it was smooth, but loved potato salad; she wasn't quite sure how it worked but it did.

Once that bowl was pureed she set it with the other one in the fridge, and pulled out some cucumber and baby tomatoes to cut up for the kids to eat; splitting the baby tomatoes in half and quartering chunks of cucumber. Catherine tried to make a point of giving Adam a few things he could eat himself at every meal; especially now that Stephanie fed herself almost everything with some accuracy. He kept in fierce competition to try and keep up with his sister, but it seemed a little like a up hill battle; she was constantly trying to learn new things too.

With Lou fully distracted by the kids she headed back out to barbeque, otherwise they would be eating late. Stepping onto the deck the delighted noises hit full blast; both kids were cornered in the back by the fence.

She put the burgers on the grill and then stopped to watch Lou prance closer, little by little; Adam grabbing Stephanie and squealing while Stephanie looked for escape. Catherine knew what was going to happen before it did, Stephanie shook Adam off and charged Lou; Adam escaping to the side.

Now trapped Stephanie would not allow herself to be held onto, squirming this way and that until Lou had to set her down or risk dropping her. As soon as she was on the ground the little monster tore off crawling as fast as she could.

Adam had made it to the other corner of the yard, cornering himself already but shrieked happily. "Dadadada heeee."

Lou threw her a glance before crossing the yard to tease the boy; who started giggling uncontrollably as Lou got close. All three of them loved that game, the kids knew it was a game to be played with daddy and not mommy; she didn't have the endurance for it Lou did.

Soon enough the burgers were ready and she took them off to cool while transferring the food and table settings out to the play table. She put half of one in a bun for Stephanie with a little ketchup and cut it into wedges, then put the other half in pieces on a plate for Adam; he didn't need the extras to try and handle yet.

Supper was a fun affair, the kids weren't quite sure they were done with their game yet and tried to take off a couple times. But once they had eaten both were content to go to the sand box to play for a while, letting their parents relax for a little while.

She sat in the grass beside Lou, her head on his shoulder and the light pressure of his arm around her back. It was nice, nice to sit with her husband but also to see how much he loved his kids; there was a comfort to that she was still learning. Being married to Lou was safe in ways she had never known life could be, and then there was the reassurance of knowing he was also her best friend.

The evening slipped away and they tucked the kids in bed, she was just coming out of Adam's room when Lou caught her hip; guiding her down the hall. " Lights are off and I already locked up, lets lay down."

She nodded and allowed herself to be led, maybe last night's visit to the jail had been good for Lou; he had just needed the time to process it. When their bedroom door was shut his hands slipped lower and his grin warned of trouble; she was up for it.


	47. Chapter 47

The weekend passed far to fast, Catherine spent Saturday morning doing laundry with Adam while Lou and Stephanie cleaned her room. She had poked her head in to watch, laundry basket on one hip and Adam on the other.

Lou gave the girl one of the toys from the floor, she tried to put it back on the floor; Lou told her no. She went and put it in the box, and so it was repeated. They did Adam's room while she remade the beds, setting Adam on the floor while she worked. In the afternoon they had gone to the park and had supper out for a change.

Then suddenly Sunday had arrived and the kids decided rather than having a lazy day that they wanted to get up early. Confined to living room the two munchkins had entertained themselves while Lou watched something on the upcoming football season and she cleaned the kitchen. The afternoon had been much the same, only the kids played outside and they sat in the grass. When the kids were finally tucked in bed Catherine sighed, it had been nice but it had been so quick.

Retreating to her room she waited for Lou to come back from saying goodnight to Adam. Going to the closet she pulled out the clothes she wanted for the next day, they were going to have an early start in the morning. Lou had promised to move the desks and set up the book cases before he started work; she would have to fill them and put everything back. Later she planned to make him help her steal the old love seat and chair from the back reception office too.

They would have to be out of the house in good time, and she was aware that she was the one that took the longest to get ready. Although since they had become a family she had gotten much faster, Lou still teased her about it sometimes; usually when they ended up late.

With her clothes set out she changed for bed, Lou had probably suckered into letting Adam look at another book; the little guy would need his nap tomorrow. Still she decided to go and see, she had just opened the door as Lou stepped up to it.

" Ready for another week?" He asked, his arms snaking around her; hands linked behind her back. She allowed him to walk her backwards.

" Mhm but it hasn't started yet." She reached around him to swing the door shut before it was out of reach. She let herself flop back on the bed as he went to the end of the bed to strip; she watched appreciatively. No matter how often she saw him undress it still made her heart flutter a little, a moment later he was beside her.

Easing over in the bed she made just enough room for him before rolling up onto his side; her chin on his shoulder. " Are you looking forward to training Wendy?"

" Yes, this is the best possible way it could all work out." Catherine smiled, after spending Friday afternoon orientating her friend she had felt a huge weight come off her shoulders; she knew she could count on Wendy.

" I don't know if all of us are going to agree with that but it is the best for you. Oh well either way, its going to be Brass and your old coworkers who suffer the most." Lou grinned, lacing his hands behind his head.

" Says Mr Days, they'll survive and we will be able to help out on more of their cases." Catherine rolled her eyes, he had to work with the day shift people most of the time now. But he was right, Wendy would be missed in the lab.

" They will, they always do but they've taken more than their share of hits." He said softly.

Catherine took a moment to study his face, he looked more relaxed too. Something in his face seemed at peace, the creases around his eyes seemed more relaxed. On Friday he had let something go, and it had helped him. It was good, everyday things slipped farther into the past and life moved on; especially with two little ones.

She was thankful for Stephanie, and Adam; both had come into their lives in such unexpected ways and yet she didn't want to think what life would be without them. Catherine really didn't want to consider what her life would be like without Lou, more and more she had learned to trust him and rely on him; they were getting stronger together.

When Lou managed to get the covers out from under her and then over her she snuggled against him; they went to bed early. They had to with the kids, it made their day full keeping up with both of them but it was good.

When the alarm cut through their sleep Catherine realized she had slept through the whole night; she had planned to talk to Lou later. They both must have fallen asleep, still it was good; she felt alert. It was a good way to start a busy morning.

Once she was ready and she got Stephanie ready she went downstairs to make the kids a quick breakfast and get their lunch bags backed. This morning they were going to have to get by with fruit and cereal; both of them preferred eggs but she didn't have the time.

Setting Stephanie on the floor she started making their lunches; Lou would need a few minutes with Adam. It was adorable to watch his big hands put on the boy's little clothes but it took him longer to do the buttons and zippers; especially when the kids squirmed the way he did.

But by the time she had lunches packed Adam and Lou had arrived; Lou put both kids in their highchairs and put toast down for himself and for her. She made their cereal and cut up bananas. Stephanie didn't get to feed herself this morning; they didn't have time to clean up the mess.

Once kids were fed they were loaded into the car, Lou was going to drive her truck today and go straight to the office and start working on stuff while she dropped the kids off; there was no room in the truck for them anyways.

Lou was already partially done the second shelf by the time Catherine arrived. He had moved the desks over, Wendy was lounging in the chair by the far desk watching. Two boxes of books occupied the top of the other desk. Wendy grinned around them as he cursed the shelves that he was putting in backwards; completely unaware of it too.

Suppressing a grin she set her purse and coffee down. " You were just going to watch him to fight it weren't you?"

" Maybe, he was doing well until he got to this step?" She smiled guiltily.

" What are you two going on about?" He growled, turning to give them a dirty look; he was frustrated.

" The shelf is backwards Lou, turn it around and it will fit." She kept her face straight as best she could; he looked so exasperated as he slid it in easily.

" Your shelves are done ladies. I'll leave you be." He slid the other three in and stepped away from it. Turning to face them he gave her a sad face before stepping close.

She leaned up and kissed lightly on the cheek; before stepping around him. He shook his head and left, undoubtedly hoping for more of a reward for his work; but he would have to wait until they got home to get it.

" Ready to start out on a new path?" Wendy asked, standing to help go through the books.

" Yea I am." She grinned at her coworker, in comfortable silence they put the books in their places and the file racks on the shelves before standing back to survey their work. This was their domain, their work place, library and break room all rolled into one; it worked.


	48. Chapter 48

If there was nay day to be busy it was not the day before vacation; Catherine felt frazzled. She would be handing the whole deal off to Wendy to sort through for a week, her friend had become good at her the job but they had been taking on much more; it was meant for two or more people.

Despite Wendy's assurances that it would all be fine, she would take care of it, she had ran evidence for all the cases for several years Catherine wanted it neatened up a bit. As it was she felt a little guilty about leaving for a week but if she left extra work for Wendy she would feel worse. The clock was ticking today, and for nothing in the world would it slow down. She needed to finish her paperwork for three more profiles before she left today; that way all Wendy had to worry about next week was her own files. Luckily her cases were all starting the wait period for court, more or less; she had rushed the last one a little but it was a fairly basic one.

Part of the problem was she would get partway through a form, remember something in the house that still needed to be done and look up to see that the clock said far to much time had gone by since she last looked. And set back in, finishing one form after another but still feeling the crunch.

Not to mention she had to pick the kids up tonight and though the didn't fully understand what was going on they were excited. When they had packed the suitcase for the two they had had to keep pulling Adam out of it, Lou had needed to show the child he could fit in it and after that all he wanted to do it was crawl in; to get pulled out again. Stephanie hadn't understood why her toys were being packed and as they put things in she had gone back and forth taking them out. After a lot of explaining they had got the three year old to understand that the toys had to be packed otherwise she wouldn't have them to play with when they went for a long ride.

Even though most of the packing was done there were little things that plagued Catherine, still needing to be done or to be added to the luggage. She was a little worried about travelling with two little kids. She was glad both were good walkers, she was taking a stroller but both kids had good legs on them. In the airports she planned to carry them but they would need time to get down and around between flights to tire themselves out; and hopefully sleep most of the time they were in the air.

Opening the last file she needed to type she breathed a sigh of relief; there had been sense in leaving the shortest for last. She was almost home free. Finish this, pick up the kids, park for a bit then pick up pizza on the way home; have an early supper and go to bed good and early. Then at one am everyone would be up and they would be out of the house by two at the latest, and then by three-thirty they would be across town at the airport. Through security and find their gate then just keep the kids awake until boarding at five thirty and hopefully they could all sleep the first flight.

It was just the getting to that final point where all they had to do was be on time and anything forgotten could not be changed. Just like finishing and printing the form she just filled out, when her ink jet spat out the paper she slipped in the file and snapped it shut; turning to find its spot on the shelf.

At least now she wasn't leaving to much of a mess for Wendy and the office was neat for the start of another week; it would just be the first one she didn't deal with. In a way though she was glad they would be gone for a week, for many reasons.

One being that on Monday Ray Langston would be executed and her family would be very very far away the entire week; it might have died down a little by the time they got back. But also because it would be so good for the kids, they were going to a themed resort, the Summer Lodge, it was built on the beach in Costa Rica with themes for kids and adults. The main level was reception and two restaurants but the lower level was a children's paradise with a special part built just for toddlers. The upper levels held rooms and looked out over a beautiful inlet; their sweet came with two bedrooms and one was specially designed for little kids. She was excited to see what it would be like, the pictures on the internet were fantastic and she had looked over the play place and seen all kinds of things the two trouble makers would be all over.

As an added bonus there was evening daycare provided, Lou had told her they would be using it at least once to go out together for a date night. She was looking forward to that. But even as she looked forward to it all she knew it would go by quickly. They would be there and it would be great but way to fast it would be over, she hoped the weather would be nice so they could enjoy the beauty of the place.

It was going to be their honeymoon and their escape, it would be great. But they would be coming home to an old would rubbed fresh again by the execution; she was really trying not to think on it too much.

Stepping down from the truck outside the daycare centre she went in to find her trouble makers; they were growing so fast. Stephanie could already reach high enough to get the tips of her fingers into Catherine's hip pockets if she stretched; usually wanting to be carried. And carrying her was becoming more and more of a challenge; she could no longer carry both Stephanie and Adam at once for any length of time.

Lou still could and did, but that didn't stop if one asked her to carry them the other would too; even if their dad was right there. She figured mommy was for rides and daddy was for games, if they were tired and wanted to rest they went for her. If they just didn't want to walk and were up for being tickled and played with as they rode they went for their dad; though if they fell asleep in his arms Lou would leave them be. Even staying up rocking them until they were sound enough asleep he could lay them down without waking them.

Finding Adam first she took the backpack the helper handed her and put it on his back. She had bought backpacks small enough for the kids to carry themselves and she wanted them to get used to it; only after daycare when it was empty and light. In the mornings she or Lou carried them in but after she made a point of putting them on the kids, and now that Stephanie was big enough she helped pack them in the mornings.

Usually Catherine still needed to repack them so that each child got one of what ever she was sending, otherwise someone would end up with both things of fruit and the other would have both sandwich containers or something. Heading down the hall with Adam holding her hand she made it to Stephanie's classroom, she knew she was a little later than usual but today Stephanie was the last one left.

Looking at what the girl was wearing she guessed there had been an accident, Stephanie was in her play clothes from the bag she left in the cubbyhole; not the clothes Catherine had put on her in the morning.

Pausing to get the wet clothes from the teacher she apologized for not sending a pull up for the girl.

Stephanie was more or less out of her diapers, just wearing them to sleep for the most part but if she had to wait to long there were problems. Still it had been several weeks since Catherine had needed to change her during the day because of it, the couple nights she had tried with out her pull up the sheets had needed washing. But for her age Catherine was pleased with her progress.

She just hadn't felt like doing the laundry, but the clothes could not be left to sit for a week either; she would wash them as soon as she was home and then they could spend the week on the drying rack in the basement.

Releasing the kids to the sand box she opened her notebook and went through her lists again. Then helped Stephanie on the swing and Adam up and down the slide a few times before it was time to get pizza. She called ahead to order, thank goodness for Vegas and a drive thru pizza place of all things, which meant she didn't have to bring both kids in to get the food and then wrestle kids and pizza back to the vehicle.

With the pizza she got home, relieved to see that Lou had beat her home and was loading the car. They just needed to put the truck in the garage and switch the car seats to be ready to go for the morning; that would make somethings easier.

The evening and early morning were a blast of preparations,checks and double checks and stops to locate where one child or the other had hid themselves to be found giggling happily. Having everything put away and cleared off was new to the kids, and so they investigated and undid all kinds of things just as Catherine finished doing them.

When they finally got out the door at ten to one she was relieved to turn around and see two babies cuddling stuffed animals in the back seat looking very excited to watch the lights go by through the back windows. This was the point of no return, if it was forgotten it was staying at the house and if it wasn't done it would be waiting for them to return; they had the kids, the tickets and the reservation. The craziness had to settle now.

Lou reached over and squeezed her hand, Catherine glanced at him. " Ready for a week of fun in the sun?"

She smiled as he used the familiar line, but it was very true; all of them were ready. It had been busy to get to that point but it was here; finally. " Are we going to celebrate four years on Tuesday?"

" We most definitely are, and the kids will spend the morning with us but the afternoon and evening is for you and me." He replied, lifting her hand to his lips, she knew if he wasn't driving with the kids he would have just leaned over; but he was a much more careful driver with his little rug-rats in the back.

" I'd like that." Catherine smiled, squeezing his hand; he could still put butterflies in her stomach.

Four hours later they were in the air with two content toddlers now fast asleep; Catherine happily closed her eyes to enjoy a few more hours of sleep. Once they landed and made their connection she would be starting to feel buzzed; and the kids would undoubtedly sense it. They would be busy enough getting car seats and luggage into the rental car plus keeping track of two little mischievous rascals in a busy new place.

Still by mid afternoon the wheels touched down in Costa Rica and they were getting luggage and car seats off the turntable while trying to keep little hands in one of their own; Catherine was starting to wish she had thought to bring a leash. After a little while Lou just scooped up Adam and went on doing stuff with him on his hip; he was strong enough to do that.

When she finally got her bag Catherine pulled the padded handle up sat Stephanie against it, her legs hanging over the front and told the girl to hang onto the poles coming up; before digging in the front compartment for a belt to use to secure her there. Stephanie was content there, and with the belt securing her to the perch Catherine felt a little safer, she felt better yet when the kids bag came around and she could switch out the old toys they had spent the morning with for ones they hadn't seen for a day or two.

Once they had all both bags, and both car seats and all the carry-on bags loaded somehow and mostly on Lou they headed down to the rental car area. Lou went in and left her with the kids and the stuff; she held Adam on her hip and the bags around her feet. Stephanie reached up to hold Adam's hand, not trying to get down yet; she would be happy if the girl stayed there.

Fifteen minutes later Lou pulled up to the curb with a blue ford fiesta, of course both kids squealed happily. He got out and loaded the bags, setting Stephanie on her feet and then he put the car seats in and put the kids in them. Catherine was more than glad to sink into the passenger seat and relax.

One more step before they could just relax, she really hoped Lou would have an idea where they would we go; she did not want to get lost.

But they didn't and twenty minutes later they were pulling up, the front of the building was beautiful. Designed to look like a elevated wooden home there were two entrances, one to the play area and the other a ramp to the main floor. Beyond it she could see the water, she shivered in excitement; she loved to swim.

Taking the ramp up she let Stephanie walk, which proved difficult. Catherine had to reach down to hold the little girl's hand and twist her other arm behind her back to hold onto the bag. Stephanie was moving as slowly as possible, with huge green eyes trying to take in everything.

She glanced over to see Adam doing the same from his perch on Lou's hip; both kids would enjoy exploring here. She had worried that they were to young to really enjoy this place, and had felt a little guilty pulling them away from the routines and familiar faces they had gotten to know around the daycare. But if their faces were anything to go by they would like it here too, she would just make sure they only spent the one evening with the daycare here; the rest of the time it would be family time.

She waited while Lou got their room keys, they were on the third floor; she was glad for the elevator. Outside the place was meant to look like a native hut but inside it was modern; the theme ran through out.

Stepping into the room Catherine was impressed, to one side was a kitchenette and a breakfast bar cut across; the other was styled as a sitting area, complete with a hammock looking out on a full wall of windows. To the left was a hall, heading down the hall she poked her head into the first room; meant to be theirs. The next was clearly a children's room, the beds were adorable, almost like hammocks only solider. They were almost like banana shaped mattresses made with sheets and rails.

The room was cute, she went to the end of the hall to see the bathroom. She was just peeking in when she heard little feet running down the hall; Stephanie crashed into the back of her knees.

" Come mommy." The little girl reached for her hands, Stephanie was so excited; Catherine let her have one hand and followed her.

Stephanie happily lead her to the hammock; Adam and Lou were already in it. She ran to her dad, reaching up for him to pull her up into his lap. Catherine smiled as the little girl laughed snuggling in her dad's lap; trying to get Lou to swing it more.

" You guys are having fun aren't you?" She cooed, lifting Adam up she sat beside Lou, the kids in their laps. Lou's feet were still on the floor and he rocked it back and forth. They both smiled as the kids cheered; vacation had started.


	49. Chapter 49

Catherine stared at the clothes she packed, there was nothing there for going out on a date. Lifting out the tops she had brought with her she tried to pick up one, Lou had planned for a date; his good jacket was tucked in underneath the rest of his stuff.

Her husband was down dropping the kids off at the day care centre for the afternoon. He had left her to get ready, she was struggling with that. Between two kids, work and a home to upkeep date nights had not been on their list of activities. Their dates consisted of a movie on the couch after the kids were in bed or time cuddling together once they were sure the two were asleep.

Lou liked her in purple so she choose the deep purple ribbed t-shirt that had a slightly daring neckline; if she paired it with light slacks it might pass as dressy. Slightly business though, not what she really wanted but what she had.

Hitching up the towel she had tucked around her and secured under her arm, sticking the tops back in the suitcase; hoping somewhere in her jeans she had packed a pair of slacks. She heard the door creak, Lou was back; he was going to tease her.

" You could have just got naked for me." Lou's voice echoed through the room, she turned to see him leaning against the door frame.

" I thought we were going out?" She rolled her eyes at him, glancing guiltily at the shirt she had picked out.

" I never said that but we can see, first though I want my wife." He strolled towards her, stopping a step away; he reached for her towel.

Catherine smiled as his hand pulled the towel away, Lou closed the space between them; his hands coming to her hips.

" You want something?" She eased herself back, her knees bumping against the bed; it was enough. Lou had to take another step forward; his leg coming between hers.

" Yes. I do." Catherine heard the need in his voice, his hands were gripping her hips tighter; she knew he would play.

Lou relaxed against her, his body spent and still within her; Catherine was comfortable. His hands were still holding her close, his body half over her; she let her hands rest on his back. Catherine turned her head, glancing at the clock to see it was still early evening.

Easily she slipped her hands down, making his head rise. She smiled when his lips pressed to her temple. " Its still early, are we going to go to the restaurant?"

He just looked at her, Catherine smirked as she realized he wasn't even considering it. " No. Lets get room service. I want you here and naked; all night. No clothes, no moving and no, I'm not sharing you."

" Lou, I'm not a toy you can play with and anyways; I'm always yours. We should go out, we never will at home; at least not on our own." She started to pull away, his face snuggled into her neck and his arms slid under her, hands locking behind her back; a low growl in the back of his throat.

"Cath, I'll take you out, I promise; we can get a babysitter sometime. But we don't get to be alone, like this anyways; I just want you." He nipped her neck a little, Catherine pulled back.

" Lou no, not there. Please." She squirmed, trying to dislodge his mouth from her neck.

" So we can stay in tonight? Call room service?" He asked hopefully.

Catherine rolled her eyes, if she pushed he probably would give in and they would go out; but the idea of spending the evening in the room with him was not so bad. With a sigh she gave in and slipped out of the bed; they were getting food. He growled unhappily. " Relax, I'm not putting clothes on but you are going to when the food gets here."

With the phone and menu she came back to the bed; she felt his eyes devouring her shamelessly. " I know what I want."

" You've already had me, you need food and so do I; then maybe we can play again before you go pick up the kids." Catherine taunted him a little, perching on the bed so he had to move to come to her; she felt his chin rest on her shoulder as he curled around her.

" I have to get the kids? I dropped them off." He reached around and turned the menu to the alcohol section.

" I'm not supposed to get dressed and if you don't want to take me out clothed I don't think you want me going down to daycare nude." Catherine turned the menu back around, she knew Lou was going to get something in the way of alcohol but he needed food to.

Much later she was snuggled comfortably in the bed, Lou was down getting the kids and she was trying to keep from drifting to sleep. Her body ached in a way it hadn't in over four years; since she and Lou had been goofing around when they were dating.

He had played with her in a way he hadn't since then either, it felt good to know that even though he had her exclusively he still needed her; even after everything. Yet she also knew it would be a long time before they had a repeat of tonight; and that was okay.

They had something better now, something so much more important; a life that they had built off the pain of their mistakes. As much as somethings in her past haunted her and she wanted to leave them behind she couldn't; especially knowing what was happening in Vegas this week.

But there was more to it than the pain. It was the knowledge that the mistakes, the choices and the pain had hurt her but they had built her; just as Lou's had him. If it wasn't for their pasts she doubted either of them would have begun the relationship they needed, the one that had become a marriage that was hard by times but good in a way she had never dreamed marriage could be.

And still there were the little things that though bad at the time had made them better partners and parents. Bad first marriages had taught them the value of honour and love; made them crave the secure safety of their union. Hard pasts had given them the grit to make it over the hurdles life and placed before them together; helping each other.

In the middle of it all there were two little angels that were meant for a rough start and a hard life but by chance had been spared it. Two kids who could grow up in a loving home, knowing no matter what they had their parents support when their births had been in attempts to inflict pain and the consequence of bad choices.

Even thousands of miles from her home she felt safe because she knew her husband was coming back; nineteen years ago that would have scared her. These past four years she had had so much love and support around her that she had understood why her first marriage had lacked it. Life had taught them how to be lovers, partners and parents; taught them how to stand strong together and alone.

This anniversary, back in Vegas a chapter of their life, the first chapter was coming to a close. Guiltily Catherine thought of the letter in her desk, the letter Lou had so nervously given her; as of midnight last night it was safe to read it. It was safe to stop worrying over Stephanie ever encountering the man who started the spiral of her birth; it was safe to face that final demon.

In truth she knew that if it hadn't been for Lou that fall she would not have recovered to go back to work, or defied the odds. The warm body that was molding her into his had gone to face his and delivered her hers.

Catherine rolled to sleep on Lou's chest, the steady beat of his heart overpowering her mind. They still had four more days of vacation before they went back to the real world and the life they would have to sort out yet again. She would savour those days just as she had savoured her anniversary and her marriage; it was a unique gift she could not live without.


	50. Chapter 50

Her week off had been wonderful but she was back to the office and judging by the hug Wendy had just given her it was time to be back. Walking into the building she glanced at a forgotten paper, glad to see that the head line was a fraud scandal; maybe it had blown over.

Though when she saw her desk, she smirked; it had blown over but it hadn't missed her. There was a daunting pile of envelopes in the centre of her desk, next to a stack of case files. Hanging her coat she went to her desk, tucked her purse in the bottom of it and started in on the mail.

After opening it most of it went in the garbage, she kept a few cards from people she actually knew; or had contact with in the last year. Tucking them in the top drawer of her desk she lifted out the other letter, one that had mysteriously turned up on her desk after the shelves were done; that Lou had later admitted to leaving.

Considering it for a moment she put it on top of the ones she was going to take home and put the whole hand full with her purse. Turning her focus, finally to the case files; this was the work she actually needed to do.

Flipping through she looked for the one to target first; and found it easily. A rape/mugging that had left the victim in the hospital; a teenager. Back to work, back to the job, and back to people who needed someone.

Her file was a prelim, Jody Tate had no family listed, a Vegas address and a retarded cop on her case; Lou had complained about him plenty. Definitely hers, first file out and she was gearing up to start snooping, it was a day shift case as it was; they didn't like her too much. It was their shift where she usually found the mistakes.

Gathering the things she would need to take with her Catherine prepared to leave, dropping a note on Wendy's desk as she left. Heading for her vehicle she caught a glimpse of her husband, dragging a man down the hall towards interrogation; life flowed on.

There would always be another crime, another victim and perp; scars left on people who did not deserve the pain. It was the reality of life and she was glad to count herself a part of the fight. In truth she knew she wouldn't be happy anywhere else, no matter how trying it could be.

Out there there was someone who needed a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold and an explanation given for complete brutality. Coming from someone who had seen both sides, someone who knew that no matter what there would always be the what ifs.

What if a different hand had been dealt? What if a different path had been taken? What if a life had been lost, what would make a difference?

The truth to those questions was within them, the answer would always be a what if. Humans found the worst scenarios to play in their heads, the worst outcomes to allow to haunt them. It was the true intervention and distraction that pulled the mind from the darkness of the world.

Catherine knew it to well, she knew it as well as she knew the headline of the Vegas Times on the morn of her anniversary. A time many had celebrated, but not a shared celebration. It had been private for her in many ways, one personal the other professional.

" Justice served in honour of the city and its finest", to many meant something sick, to her it meant something true. Justice had been served but it was not four and a half years after the fact, justice had been served almost a year ago; when she had returned to work.

The physical scar would stay with her a lifetime, marked on her flesh but the lesson she had learned would last generations after her death. Catherine knew that honour was not what she needed, deserved or wanted. Her validation came from her family, her work and the change she knew was coming.

Her validation came from the letter she had opened weeks ago, an old colleague and friend had crossed state lines and taken a risk; that card would go to her home but as a reminder. A Victims Liaison Service would be opening in New York State, run by none other than Sofia Curtis criminologist turned detective finally settled in her spot.

The finest of Las Vegas were moving around, and with them came a lesson they may not realize would make them better at their jobs. Catherine smiled as she caught her reflection in dark glass of a tinted wind shield. The scar showed today, just the top bit but it was something she never would have allowed even a week ago.

There was safety in knowing he was gone but also that it was finally over. It was other people's what ifs she needed to face. Hers had died, her had made her stronger, taught her a life lesson and bonded her to a true family; a life she lived with confidence.


	51. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Lou sat, relaxed against the head board of his bed, safe and comfortable; his family surrounding him. Catherine was curled into his shoulder with Adam sprawled across both their laps and Stephanie tucked under her mother's arm. All three were fast asleep, their day having taken its toll.

One week since their vacation and a lot had changed, life no longer had that silent threat lurking just beyond his control. The state had taken care of it, being effective with at least one thing; soothing the public along the way.

At least most of the public, he had taken his family and vanished for the week, his plan being just as effective; a brief talk with the Sheriff having its desired effect as well. His family had been left alone, for a week of relaxation and smooth transition back to life in Sin City.

Catherine had taken it comfortably, not letting her pain show and coping as she always did; only he had wormed his way into that strategy. He knew her peace was coming from her family and having the kids to look after but also her work.

This week she had been on a rough case, it was a mugging and a rape with all the idiots on it the department could find. She had spent her week sorting through departmental errors that had her job not existed would have sailed; and caused the whole system a big embarrassment.

A minor, mugged and raped a useless detective assigned her case bought a fake id. Girl's real identity, daughter to casino mogul, niece of a congressman; sister of a decorated war hero. Not a good place for screw ups.

Drugs, a concussion and retrograde amnesia could have made for a big mess but the woman curled into him had seen through it. A young girl, now in pain, scared, alone and unsure of her identity. The redhead sleeping on him had pulled every tactic she had known to get through to the girl, find her identity and her frantic family.

Earlier today Lou had listened to her share her story with someone other than a long time friend for the first time. To his knowledge there had only been three people she had described her personal struggle to; himself, Sara and Wendy.

Today, now released from the hospital to begin her own battle with acceptance 'Jody Tate' aka Acadia Chiftan, sixteen and a week ago thinking it would be fun to try the posh life of the strip. The daughter who was treasured but babied wanted some freedom, with a father as owner of Chiftan Enterprises and three casinos along the strip. Uncle a congressman and a brother decorated by the united states of America for his service in Iraq; Acadia had wanted her own taste of life.

He didn't blame her and as Catherine held her he realized his wife knew the same thing. He felt guilty for listening in but well, Wendy had left the door open and his position was out of eye line. Lou listened as Acadia described living with a family full of stories of life full of excitement while being confined to a private school, dance and voice classes.

He had closed his eyes when the girl leaned against Catherine's chest and poured out her pain; his wife just wrapped his arms around her. For a long time he stood silently as Catherine held her, the girl was listening to her heart beat; he could tell just by how her ear rested against Cath's chest.

Moments later the girl had sat up and he heard Catherine tell her she understood. His wife's hands had held the girls and he picked up the soft confidence in her voice as she started.

" Trust me Acadia I know, I don't say that lightly either. I was attacked while I slept, I never woke up while it was done; he drugged me." He watched as the girl nodded, hiccoughing through the tears.

" I woke up and I didn't know anything was wrong with me, I went to work and if a friend of mine hadn't realized something was wrong I would have died. Still getting help didn't make it better. It opened a criminal investigation before I even woke up. One of my colleagues was guilty, a member of my team; there had been other things about him before that." Catherine paused, she had the girl's attention, his too.

" It wasn't so much the pain of healing physically that got to me but the pain of reality. People said they understood but they had no clue, I couldn't face my friends, my daughter or even my boyfriend. I was drugged the night he proposed to me; I couldn't remember it.

But that was only the start, there was recovering physically and also trying to understand what was happening around me. Maybe it was worse because of where I worked, how it happened but in retrospect it wasn't any different then what you are dealing with.

People will want to help, they will want to be there for you. They won't understand, they wont get the pain you are dealing with. They won't know how gross it feels, they wont get how it feels to know someone else touched you with out your say so; I know there aren't words to describe it.

I cant totally get that either, I don't remember that and maybe that makes it easier but I promise you that someday it wont hurt so bad. Someday you will look back on it and you will be stronger because of it, you will be able to stand taller because you fought back.

You have to fight back, take back your life, go home to your family; accept their love and protection. Take time to heal, find people who can accept that they cant really understand; people who will admit it. Then take back your life, go back to school, take on activities again; live your life.

But most of all define yourself. This, none of this defines you. You are a beautiful young woman, your whole life is ahead of you and there are thousands of choices you are going to make in the next few months as you process this. Know that none of them are forever, there is only one thing you can do that you cant change; and I wont lie it may cross your mind.

But life is worth it, at sixteen you can make choices that will be fun, will be silly and will not hurt like this. Trust me I know, you don't have to let this scar you, or make you afraid; you can let it set you free." He clenched his fist as Catherine finished, he heard pain in her voice. She was reliving her own choices, ones that he knew had made her happy but still came back from time to time.

The girl's choke words almost made him step away. " But, you don't know, you cant know and I cant know if what he did will go away. What if he got me pregnant? I don't want his baby, I didn't want him to have my virginity. I wanted to wait, I wanted love and fun and..."

" and to be treasured, to experience something that felt like a romance book. You can still hold out for that, I can promise you that when you meet the right person it wont matter whether your a virgin or not; it will be all that and more. I cant tell you how many men I chose to share my body with before I met the man who became the centre of my world, and though in a way I wish I had waited for him I have two beautiful daughters I would not trade for the world and he treats them as if they are his but they are not; at least not biologically.

One whose father beat me and then endangered her life and got himself killed. She taught me how to be a mom and though I loved her I was clueless in so many ways; she is a beautiful young woman now and my mistakes have taught her things that had I not made them she may not have learned.

I am not truly my second daughter's mother, her parents, the ones she got her DNA from are dead. Both died heroes, her father blown up by and IED defending his country and her mother in the subway shooting six years ago; her body saved the life of a ten year old. Collectively the parents of those two decided to donate their children's embryos.

The man who attacked me impregnated me with one of them. He did not rape me, at least not in the way most consider rape but there were times and sometimes still are when it feels as if he did. He put a child inside me without my consent, he saw me in a way I never dreamed I would allow him to and set in motion a chain of events that led to another colleague seeing and doing things I never wanted.

But I can tell you this, that baby it three and a half now, my husband and I adopted a little boy as her brother and the two of them give me hope when the pain of it presses around me. When I'm afraid and it starts to hurt again I know my husband is there, he doesn't try to make me talk and he doesn't try to understand. He knows I just need to be reminded that I am alive, and that is a gift; a reason to celebrate.

I know there are people in your life who will understand.

I also know that if there is a baby from this you will make the right decisions as the time comes and no matter what you can call me; even if it is years down the road and you need to talk. I have been there and I have lived and so will you. You are a survivor and have a life in front of you that as of today can become anything, today is yours to shape but tomorrow is not guaranteed; you know that." He watched as watery brown eyes locked on his wife's.

Life had come full circle and he did understand what Catherine had been through. He understood that he had to be thankful he couldn't comprehend it; because she was. The past was the past and it couldn't be changed but how it was remembered and how it effected everyone could be.

His family was proof of that, his wife had defied the odds and lived when doctors weren't sure she would. His daughter had been born safely into the world in their bedroom when Catherine's body might not have been able to do it.

He knew what the what ifs were, they were the thoughts of scared people; who did not know that they possessed the strength to survive. No one could know that until they had to try, until their survival was threatened and then they needed the support to fight and learn how sweet survival could be.

While he had realized that as he listened to his wife comfort that young girl he finally understood her job. He had understood it was needed, he had worked enough gruesome cases, watched families and victims be jerked around by a twisting case and then have their heads spun in the legalities of the court room. Now he knew where the strength to do it came from, Catherine had started it and taken a risk in doing so; it was survival that had given her the strength to take that chance and be the start of change.

**The End**

**Thank you for all the reviews and hits on this story even today, a long time after it is done. I am excited to announce that a sequel will be posted today and I hope that there is still intrest. Please watch out for Catherine, Lou, Stephanie and Adam in Living for Each Day as they put the past behind them and teach their children about life, love and compassion.**

**Deea**


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